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Thread: Are You Hot- Zone 3 RECAP- "The Northwest"

  1. #1
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Are You Hot- Zone 3 RECAP- "The Northwest"

    Are You Hot? Zone 3, "The Northwest"

    Before I start this week, I want to say a few words to the ABC photographer who's taking publicity shots of these contestants: Learn how to take a picture! All of the pictures taken so far have been extremely not-hot, which kind of goes against the whole purpose of the show, right? You know it's bad, when the contestants have to e-mail me to send better pictures, because they're so embarassed by the ones ABC took of them.

    Okay, now that I've got that off my chest, our completely unknown host JD Roberto once again welcomes us to the show, and tells us the results of Zone 2's web voting. For the dudes, Ryan and Kevin P. make it. For the gals, Chantille and Valerie move on. We'll see them in 2 weeks, assuming the show's not cancelled by then.

    Then, we're introduced to our judges again, because we've probably forgotten who they are and what, if anything, qualifies them to be judging what's hot. I have to admit, I laugh every time JD introduces Lorenzo as "international heart-throb Lorenzo Lamas!" Saying it over and over doesn't make it so.

    We then proceed to the point of the show - parading 32 variably-hot men and women onto the stage, and seeing if the big "Hot" or "Not" lights up. All this, accompanied by witticisms from JD like "that firefighter's on fire!" Ah, JD, maybe that photographer's a better joke-writer. Couldn't hurt to ask. Half the contestants are eliminated, and a few of them are shown bawling to the camera as we cut to a commercial - it almost seems like they've aspired for their whole lives to be "Hot", only to be told they're "Not", and they're CRUSHED!

    Back from commercials (damn, The Family looks like a great show!), we're now going to get the individual look at the 16 finalists who made the "Hot" cut.

    Aja - Does a cartwheel onto the stage. Rachel right away doesn't like her. She tells Aja to "stop staring and smile." Lorenzo once again proves he has the worst joke-writers working for him, asking Aja her heritage. Aja answers "Irish and French", to which Lorenzo replies "I've got a little Irish Spring happening myself..." Oh, good one! I get it! Oh, one more thing about Aja worth mentioning. As we cut to a commercial later, Aja is crying, and says "I can't imagine anything worse than being judged." Perhaps she misunderstood the whole concept of the show?

    Brandon - Brandon is going to be a "tiger". Rachel asks him if he plucks his eyebrows, and Brandon says "hey, I'm Italian, if I don't pluck 'em, I've got a unibrow goin' on." Good answer! I wasn't going to mention scores, but I can't help but notice that Randolph has only given 2 different scores for the first 2 people. It's either been 7.9 or 8.1 for all 6 scores so far. I'm not sure what defines a .2 difference, but apparently Randy sees something.

    Jessica - Jessica thinks she's "perfection", but she should really be filing a lawsuit against her plastic surgeon. I think he ran out of silicone on her right side. She has the most crooked boobs I've ever seen, which I could excuse if they weren't surgically enhanced. Lorenzo hauls out the FlawFinder(tm), and points out her stretch marks, but amazingly enough, not her boobs!

    Eric - Eric is the firefighter who's "on fire." Rachel says he has Milli Vanilli hair, Randolph counters that it's "Bo Derek" hair instead. I pre-rated this guy as the hottest of the guys, and I confirm that rating here. Eric is da man.

    Ivy - I'm so much better off knowing that Ivy is "happy naked." Randolph asks her to turn around, and out comes the "Too Hot" censorship banner, because Ivy's wearing a G. She's so pale, it's apparent she's indoor Ivy. But Lorenzo likey, and he gives her 2 10's and his hotel room key.

    Rob - Rob's a musician/aspiring model (aren't we all?), and he knows he's too skinny, so he's got to "do his own thing" to stand out from the crowd. I'm guessing his own thing might be being mistaken for Lenny Kravitz, who did Rob's thing about 10 years earlier. He gets decent marks, but Lorenzo tells him he'd have to put on at least 15 pounds if he were to make it past this round.

    Ann - Randolph thinks Ann has small boobs, but a nice butt. I have to concur. Lorenzo says he feels the heat (must be leftover remnants of that burrito he cooked in his pants last week).

    Billy - Billy's a good-looking guy, but Randolph wants to see his face in profile. As Billy stands there facing sideways, he displays the longest tongue since Gene Simmons. He must have to roll it up inside his mouth. Whatever he does, it earns really high marks, and I think Rachel needs a few minutes to recover. (So did Kylie!)

    Amber - Amber's an NFL cheerleader, so I'm not sure why she's so terribly nervous being in front of people. But she's visibly terrified. She gets comments like "doll" and "adorable", but as we cut to commercial, she's near tears, saying she was so nervous...

    Morgan - Morgan is "hungry." Rachel pegs him right away, saying he has a "psycho killer" face. He really does. I don't think anyone fully gets over his face, so he doesn't do too well.

    Krisi - Krisi's 18, and that fact will hurt her. Why she's gotten such monstrous fake boobs at 18 is anyone's guess. But Lorenzo, ever the gentleman, mentions that she looks like a "naughty school girl." No one thinks she's grown into her sex appeal yet, so she's doomed.

    Tony - Tony's shaved head makes him really stand out. And since he took the time to e-mail us a better picture, I'm prone to like him. Rachel is in love with his bald pate. Randolph gives him an extra 2, and wonders if he has an "extra 2" anywhere else. Oh, you're so SLY, Randy! We'll never crack that code.

    Carlie - Carlie is the not-hottest I've seen tonight. She has small boobs, wide hips, plump legs, and is wearing the most unflattering bathing suit I've ever seen. The judges agree with me, as all judges should. If it's any consolation to you, Carlie, I thought you had one of the prettiest faces.

    Shipley - Most of the girls on the forum pre-picked Shipley. He seems older than the other guys, and without checking his age, I think it's just the wrinkles around his eyes. Rachel says he has a "Mel Gibson" face. Shipley's really nervous, too, but gets high marks from the judges.

    Renee - Renee is a dream nanny. She's gotta be almost 6' tall, and Randolph calls her a "tall drink of water." Lorenzo has her turn around, and point out her "great ASSet." (his stress, not mine). She gets high marks.

    Scott - Scott's confident, and honestly that's all I have to say about him. Completely forgettable in every way. And after 15 more memorable contestants, I find that I really wasn't even paying attention at this point.

    Woohoo! We're almost done! But first, we have to find out who makes it to be voted on by "the viewers" (6 people who could make it this far, and another 3 who punched in the numbers by accident when they were calling their insurance agent).

    For the guys, Shipley, Billy, Eric, and Tony make it, and there are really no surprises there. They were the only 4 hot guys in competition.

    For the girls, Ivy, Renee, Jessica, and Amber make it. For a few moments before Amber's name is called, you can see that she's resigned herself to not being picked - the surprise and happiness on her face makes it all worthwhile.

    Until next week...May your boobs always be straight, and your tongue long.

    You can reach the authors of this article at admin@fansofrealitytv.com or kylie@fansofrealitytv.com

  2. #2
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    Some of my favourites...

    We'll see them in 2 weeks, assuming the show's not cancelled by then.


    I laugh every time JD introduces Lorenzo as "international heart-throb Lorenzo Lamas!" Saying it over and over doesn't make it so.


    Jessica - Jessica thinks she's "perfection", but she should really be filing a lawsuit against her plastic surgeon. I think he ran out of silicone on her right side. She has the most crooked boobs I've ever seen, which I could excuse if they weren't surgically enhanced. Lorenzo hauls out the FlawFinder(tm), and points out her stretch marks, but amazingly enough, not her boobs!


    Excellent job John and Kylie.
    Funny stuff.
    "That's Numberwang!"

  3. #3
    hottie-boom-bottie!!! lilgiggly's Avatar
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    do you think it seems a bit conceited to go on a show titled "how hot are you"? some friends and i were having a discussion about it. i just wanted to see what yall thought!
    :monkeybut

  4. #4
    hottie-boom-bottie!!! lilgiggly's Avatar
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    oops, screwed up on the title there. yall know what i meant though.
    :monkeybut

  5. #5
    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    I don't think it's bad to test your hotness. What I think is really bad is the people who cry because they're "not hot". Like that's all they've ever aspired to, and now their hopes and dreams are crushed forever.

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