Episode 1 - "Is that a laser pointer in your pocket?"
I don't quite know what ABC was thinking when they had the concept for this show. All I can think of is that the hochos must have thought someone was actually asking them if they were warm when they green-lighted this drivel. Ah well, I bit the bullet, and watched more silicone dance across my screen than I ever have in a single 2-hour period.
This is the first of what I hope are only 2 or 3 recaps of this show, because I am sacrificing small animals to the Network Gods that someone will find their brain and cancel this. I'm joined by KylieGrant, who will give me the women's perspective - and I'm sure it's not going to be kind. Kylie here, and you're absolutely right John. My first thought was..."I sacrificed watching 'Friends' for THIS?!?" Oh boy, here we go.
We open in Los Angeles, the city where silicone was born. Our host, JD Roberto (if you've seen him before, you must have been watching Animal Planet in the wee hours of the morning), explains the concept for anyone too stupid to understand that there IS no concept. Our "hotties" will be judged on their face, body, and sex appeal. And apparently personality and arrogance has a lot to do with lowering that sex appeal score, as we'll soon discover.
In LA, the competition for Hotness was fierce. So fierce that one poor girl who'd probably skipped 10 consecutive meals and pried herself into a leopard-skin dress simply passed out. The only interesting person from LA was Geoff, who said "I'm hot because I'm obviously ridiculously good-looking, but also because I'm modest." Yeah, I got that. Thanks for spelling it out.
We then move to San Diego, and lemme tell you that absolutely no one stood out in San Diego. They all looked like they'd stepped out of Barbie and Ken-doll world. Did someone say Ken? After being introduced to our judges for the first time (more on them later), we also saw a little bit of Dallas, which looked exactly like San Diego, but with a southern twang.
On to the Southeast - first stop: Miami. Saggy boobs, stripper clothes, Betty Boop, yada yada yada. You know the drill by now, right? On to Atlanta, where we learn that Lorenzo doesn't like "fake boobs", although as we'll find out later, actions speak louder than words. They show an entire 5-minute clipfest of all the ass-smacking the contestants have done to this point, and we're also treated to the first application of the "Too Hot" censor-banner when one of the Atlantans drops trow.
Atlanta is also where we learn some Randolph-inspired English. He teaches us the word "thankles", which apparently means "thick ankles" in designer-to-the-stars-speak. Thanks for that. Nice thankles. I was really impressed. I mean, thankles has to be the best abbreviation since FORT, right?!
One last little clip in Atlanta, as some of our rejected "not-so-hotties" speak to the camera. We meet Juliet, who says that "in front of the camera is where she's the most comfortablest. On the stage is the most funnest - the more funner - the most funn...est." Looks like grammar skills aren't included in the total package. Quit while you're ahead, girl. And put something on over that bra.
On to the Northwest, first stop Seattle. Too much coffee for these folks. We get the Attack of the Twins here, although none of them had a chance against the original hot twins, Derek & Drew Riker from TAR3. Then we're on to Denver, where Debra thinks the addition of a large snake will help her chances hey, it worked for Britney! , and one of the unnamed guys thinks that being "Hot" is "90 percent mental and 20 percent physical." ....if I only had a brain
Finally, we get to the Northeast, the location of this episode's second hour, and the focus of the show. But, before we get to see New York City, we're treated to the idiots who sent in videotapes. I don't think a single one of them made it. Word to the "hot". Ahh, NYC. I finally felt at home. Unfortunately, my brothers and sisters from the city that never sleeps didn't do a great job of 'representin.' For example, Skylar "I've got a cute little butt, don't I?" while flashing her thong...Modesty can be a virtue sometimes, hun. On to the Windy City, Chicago, where we meet Chiann, a dentist who speaks 4 languages, and who makes it to the final 32.
Funny enough, in the Northeast, we don't see Minneapolis featured. I only mention this because about half of the Northeast's final 32 hail from the area, more than any other city, so it's strange.
At this point, we're told that in the next hour, the 32 hopefuls from the Northeast will be winnowed down to 8 - four males, four females, 8 balloons full of silicone. Don't forget botox and collagen, too! And thus ends our first hour.
Hour 2 - The Northeast
32 Hopefuls passed the hotness test in order to make it this far. They've GOT to be the hottest 32 people in the northeastern US, right? Uhh, WE weren't on the show. If so, I'm moving out of this zone, because it's a huge embarassment to be from the Northeast zone right now. You can't see me squirming, but I am. Really. I second that. I swear it, I don't know any of those people from NYC.
The three judges are re-introduced, because it's quite likely we've already forgotten them. Judges? Ooh, you mean those washed up celebs that are trying to run the show. Randolph Duke, designer-to-the-stars. Sporting 5-o'clock stubble and a smile that makes grown, uh, men melt. Rachel Hunter, swimsuit model and sporting the thickest head of hair I've ever seen on a person. I don't see how she's judging this. She's not that hot....her hair needs to come out of her face! Lorenzo Lamas (who I affectionately call "lame-ass" whenever I say his name out loud), who has dated every female on the face of the earth and married the few who weren't repulsed. I've never dated Lorenzo Lamas....what does that make me? He's a biker dude who has a new toy - a combination pen/laser pointer! You can just imagine how handy that laser pointer's going to be on the ladies wearing extremely small bathing suits, right? You ain't seen nothin' yet. And I don't know that we NEED to see anymore....
Now, in this first part, each of the 32 contestants will appear on stage. Above them, there is a huge sign that says "HOT NOT" (I think they have it backwards, myself), and after being introduced, the correct side of the sign will light up, indicating if they made it or not. The judges have already made their choices, sparing us too much wasted time.
Candice, Nick, Philip, Ann, Mel, Rebecca, Bettina, Aaron, Skylar, Derek, Christina, Frank, George, and Chiann (!) are sent packing. Buh-bye, you're not hot enough for this crowd. Now, I'd posted the list of 32 hopefuls, and there were obviously some replacements. No Carrie from my hometown, or a couple of others. I'm bummed, to say the least.
Malinda, Lisa, Sean, Jermaine, Cari, Teresa, Jonathan, Bobby, Nicki, Ken, Roderique (!), Elizabeth, Sherika, Travis, ChiChi, and Kevin make it. The field is now 16. ChiChi made it? Geez. Does hot equal unhealthy now? More about her later...
Now, each of those 16 will model in front of the judges in tiny bathing suits, and they will get individual scores from each judge on what? That's right: face, body, and sex appeal. You've been paying attention. Good for you for staying awake this long. Trust me, it's been tough.
For some reason, they ALMOST go in order, but not quite. They also mix up the judges, and the judges mix up the scoring. They're trying to make this extra tough. I'll use RD for Randolph, RH for Rachel, and LA for lame-ass - oops, I mean Lorenzo. The first score is for the face, the second is for the body, and the third is for the sex appeal. Scale of 1-10, because all hotness should always be on a 1-10 scale, shouldn't it? Of course, but I doubt any of these will be registering tens....
Malinda - RD: 7.5, 7.5, 9 RH: 5, 4, 8 LA: 9.5, 8.7, 9.9
I get the feeling there's something about Malinda that catches Lorenzo's fancy. I can't quite put my finger on it. Collagen fan, perhaps? But Rachel was not so easily impressed. Neither was I, Rachel has better taste than I thought.
Lisa - RD: 9, 9.9, 9.5 RH: 9, 9, 9.5 LA: 9.9, 9.7, 9
Everyone loved Lisa. And she really looked a lot better on TV than in the press shot. Even I would have given her Randolph's scores. Amen. Lisa is one of the best looking of the ladies, all things considered. I don't know about 9.9's though. She wasn't THAT hot.
Sean - RD: 8.5, 7.5, 6 RH: 9, 5, 7 LA: 8.9, 8.7, 7.5
Rachel thought that Sean was "too big". That just bums me out, and I don't know why. I thought Sean had the whole package. I am taking up for Rachel yet again. The top of his chest was scarily built, reminded me of a gorilla! Also, you may start to pick up a pattern here. Rachel and Randolph tend to go even or half points, but Lorenzo likes to give "7.689" or "9.7216". I'm not quite sure why, I think just because it gives him more syllables.
Jermaine - RD: 7.5, 8.5, 7.5 RH: 8.5, 8, 7 LA: 9, 9.5, 85.
After Sean, Lorenzo and Rachel thought Jermaine had a more "normal" body, and gave him higher scores. He's definitely built better than Sean (in a not-so-gorilla type way); I'd say he's deserving of higher scores.
Cari - RD: 9.5, 9.5, 9 RH: 9, 8, 9.8 LA: 9.8, 9.5, 9.9
Cari is the first victim of Lorenzo's laser pointer. After pointing it at her "Bermuda Triangle" for several seconds, much to the delight of the audience and the dismay of Rachel, he then slides it down her legs, pointing out that there is space all the way between her thighs. He doesn't like that. He wants those thighs touching at some point. So ladies, if you wanna be hot for Lorenzo, squeeze those thighs together. You know all of us ladies stood up to 'check' immediately after hearing this, don't you? I was actually proud of Lorenzo's thigh comments. I was expecting him not to like it if they DID touch.
Teresa - RD: 7.9, 7.5, 6 RH: 7.5, 6, 6 LA: 9, 7, 8
Teresa has tiny little mosquito bites - not a bad thing, but for purposes of this competition, it's a standout non-feature. Randolph suggests that she should have put the gel-packs in before coming out. I felt sorry for her, actually. I didn't think they were that big of a deal.
Jonathan - RD: 8.5, 9.5, 9 RH: 9.5, 9.8, 9.5 LA: 9.8, 10, 9.5
Lorenzo says he's got the perfect body, and I shiver a little. I'm sure he'll get a little more "personal trainer" business from this gig. Obviously, everyone loves him. He'll go far. A ten from Lorenzo?! Unmerited, in my opinion. He has a nice body, but definitely not a perfect 10.
Bobby - RD: 7.5, 8, 5 RH: 9, 9.5, 2 LA: 9.5, 8.0, 7.0
Why did Rachel give him a 2? Could it be because as he came out on-stage, he said "Rachel, I heard you don't like pretty faces - how can you look at yourself in the mirror every day" or something like that. I couldn't quite hear it as my jaw bounced off the floor. Anyway, Bobby made a tactical error and opened his mouth. Bobby's the skinniest guy in the competition, so if he's reading this, he should know, I could take him. ;) He seriously looks like a 13 year old. Definitely too skinny for my tastes. John, when you two fight, I want to be there. I never turn down watching someone get crushed. :D
Nicki - RD: 9, 9, 9 RH: 8.9, 9.8, 9.8 LA: 9.5, 9.0, 9.8
Nicki has the most monstrous application of silicone this side of the Rockies. Actually, she's got her own personal Rockies going on. Lorenzo breaks out the laser pointer again, and I cringe. But no, he's pointing out her perfect (and un-pierced, I might add) stomach! Yay! Of course, even after saying he didn't like "fake boobs", he gives her high marks. Of course, men are suckers for washboard abs. He didn't even have to ask her 'how much?' Randolph says she's wearing the happiest spandex ever.
Ken - RD: 8.5, 8.5, 7.0 RH: 9, 9.9, 7.5 LA: 9.1, 9.8, 9.0
Lorenzo HATES Ken's hair. But gives him good marks, so that's good. I fear I am with Lorenzo on this issue. *Shudder* When we get to Randolph, he says "put your hair back down. I love it!" Ken gets good marks, but has all the sex appeal of a ham sandwich.
Roderique - RD: 8.5, 7, 7 RH: 8, 8, 7 LA: 9, 9.3, 9.5
Rod comes out with a HUGE 'fro and a teddy bear on his hip. Rachel has him hold his hair back, and he's actually a decent-looking guy without it. Ehh. I wonder why Lorenzo liked him so much?! Randolph asks about the bear, and it's because his mommy couldn't be there to watch his hotness on parade. Aww, how 'sweet.' I'm guessing she's hiding in a closet with the blinds drawn at this point.
Elizabeth - RD: 8, 8, 9 RH: 5, 9, 9.9 LA: 9, 8.8, 9.8
Rachel doesn't like Liz's huge lips, which Liz swears are real. Ha! Her lips are real, then so are Nicki's boobs. But, the guys do, so she gets high marks from them. Everyone agrees she's got a nice body, though.
Sherika - RD: 9.5, 9, 8.5 RH: 9.8, 9.5, 9 LA: 9.5, 7.0, 9.0
Sherika has a British accent, and is a TV host from MSP, although no one has ever seen her. She's pretty skinny, though, and Lorenzo doesn't like that, so she gets a low body-score from him. Good for Lorenzo. Once again, props to Lorenzo! I was afraid that practically unhealthy-looking would turn out to be what the judges thought was 'hot.'
Travis - RD: 10, 9.9, 9 RH: 8.5, 9, 9 LA: 9.5, 10, 9
Randolph doesn't give anyone a 10 on body, because he says "there's always room for improvement." But it's obvious that Travis is a keeper. Everyone loves him. Rachel says he has a "surfer's body". I loved Travis. He was probably the hottest guy of the night!
Chi Chi - RD: 8.5, 7.5, 8 RH: 9.9, 7.5, 9 LA: 9.3, 7, 8.9
Chi Chi is WAY too skinny, thus all the low marks on body. I was seriously shocked by how small she was. I actually felt sorry for her! Randolph says "you need to get to McDonald's and get a few greasy burgers" and Lorenzo follows up with "don't skip any more meals." I'm happily impressed that the judges are telling women to EAT.
Kevin - RD: 8, 9, 7 RH: 8, 8.9, 7 LA: 9.5, 9.5, 8.5
Now, I'm going to stick up for Kevin. Randolph asked him to open his mouth and show his teeth. Kevin had such a hard time doing it, you could tell he was crushed, his lip kept quivering, but he was a good sport. His teeth were uneven, but very white. I'm a "mouth guy", and notice mouths, but Kevin's had nothing wrong with it. Kevin, if you don't win, your mouth is just fine, bud. *Drool drool* I was actually surprised Rachel didn't give him higher scores. He's got a surfer vibe, too.
After a commercial break (people pay to run ads during this stuff?), we get the results of the judges scores. Half of the men and half of the women will be eliminated, and the remaining 4/4 are up for the viewers to vote on.
The Men: Jonathan, Ken, Travis, and Kevin.
The Women: Lisa, Cari, Nicki, and Sherika.
And there we have it. The viewers were able to vote until 3pm Eastern on Valentine's Day, so it's up to them. The top 2 guys and 2 girls will move on to the finals.
Next week, another zone. Stop, you're giving me nightmares already! I was kind of zoned myself at the time, and I'm too lazy to go back to the tape. I'm already going to have nightmares, why taunt the spirits?
Until next week. May your thighs always touch at some point. Trust me, they always do. We wouldn't want that to be a problem. This has been Kylie and John, with "Are You Hot?" At least in our cases, the resounding answer is 'yes.' ;)
You can reach the authors by e-mail if you'd like. John at firstname.lastname@example.org or KylieGrant at email@example.com.