1/8 Premiere – “Welcome to Hooterville”
Hooterville was a fictional place with pretty girls and dumb guys. This one is the same but they have more ( fake) hooters than well, a real Hooters.
The show has been in the works for over two years on two networks trying to find that perfect match of a sucker willing to give away their own money and a TV friendly family to skirmish over it reality TV style. Our friend Penny caught wind of the show, and decided to media-ho her whole family. Pay attention, as ho’s figure prominently in the story. Or should I say the gentler “floozy”, the name of one of Penny’s stores. Our sucker with the goods that Penny talked into “giving up” is her third hubby Bill Long. He is 73 and she is his fourth wife.
The whole location of this show is somewhat undefined. They live in that Mecca of opulence in the desert Scottsdale AZ, but the goods they are playing for is a 560 acre ranch in Kansas. I’d bet all my pennies she has visited neither Kansas OR a ranch in her life. She has nothing to lose. Someone in our fine membership pointed out that a ranch of that size in Kansas is worth roughly the same as a very small property in a large city or you may be able to get a decent tee off at the Scottsdale Country club for a day or so. In other words – not much. Why are these people here anyway then? In one frightening word Penny. It’s “the Penny Show” and it’s scarier than Freddy Kruger because she’s real. Add in cheesemeister Mike Fleiss and a few assorted family members and you have a show that gives a new low to reality TV. It’s really hard saying that in a year where already we’ve had “Who’s your Daddy” believe me. Victoria Gotti is Mother Theresa compared to this witch, only I’m sure she does her own whacking just for the fun of it.
The show starts in a generic Fleiss mansion somewhere. It’s nowhere near as nice as the last Bachelor one, but still not too shabby. Our host Tony Hoakes waits outside. Never heard of him before, maybe because Hoakes=HOAX and they are screwing with our heads. I’m missing Chris Harrison right about now though, and it’s only a few seconds into the show.
The Hoaxster waits as the family members start pulling up to the house, not in limos as per the usual Fleiss show, but in really expensive vehicles. Penny is out first from a nice Porsche. She has badly bleached hair styled like Medusa, and has with her two of those small yappy evil dogs that would tear your throat out in a heartbeat if treats aren’t forthcoming on demand. We have heard that her “boutiques” carry a line of doggy clothes, so watch for some nauseating canine fashion. She tells us she is smart, tough, competitive and surprise – vindictive. Whooda thought?
Next is Billy in a nice Dodge truck. Luckily for him he is Bills son NOT Penny’s. He is only eighteen and has probably been browbeaten to appear to even things up as it can’t be all Penniphiles. He tells us his relationship with Dad has been rocky, but he loves him and would do anything for him. ( Like say, appear on a ridiculous pseudo reality show)
Bette comes next in some kind of dark car. She is Penny’s mother and looks surprisingly nice for the parent of a spawn of Satan. She gives us some excuse about keeping Penny in line, when we have all figured out by now if she didn’t appear, that Hellspawn would cut off the allowance for this poor 73 year old. Yes she’s the same age as Penny’s husband for those counting. No, don’t think Anna Nicole for a sec, Penny has not a drop of lovable ditz in her soul . Not a lovable anything for that matter. Poor granny.
Ashley pulls up next in a Mercedes. No truck for the Ash. He is Penny’s son and has the creepy hair of hellmom , but not the freaky eyes. He tells us Bill is “somewhat” of a father figure. At least as much of a father figure as an admission like that will get him in the real will. He is pretty laid back and is probably appearing to save his family allowance as well.
Another Mercedes brings Kristen. She works in one of Penny’s stripper stores and is an ex-girlfriend of Ashley’s. This surprises me as I didn’t think Cruella de Penny would allow this. She is appearing to save her job, and tells us “with fake boobs and blonde hair she is a mini-Penny”. No no no sweetie, mini penny like mini-me from Austin powers would be “E-vil” (do the hand gesture quotation marks – c’mon you know you want to)
Penny’s brother Scott arrives next in a Hummer. To be polite, I’d say a Hummer might be the only vehicle that would hold Scott. He is 400 pounds easy and works currently as a manager for Bills condos. Yet another person fighting to keep their job. Being around Penny would cause me to stress eat too as it must be tough to be brother of Satan. He thinks Bill will be happy to see him. Probably so they can commiserate.
Another employee, Danielle gets out of another Mercedes. She says that Bill likes her because she’s loyal and he likes pretty girls in general. Redundantly, she is here to keep her job. Unlike the other implanted ones, Danielle dares to be a brunette so watch for some defiance.
Mickey gets out of a big Ford truck. He is a long time friend of Bills, putting him squarely on the show can’t be all Penniphiles side. He tells us Bill is a pain in the ass. Probably because he would ask a friend to be on a cheesy reality show just to please his creepy wife.
Crystal (suv ??) is next. Her relationship to the pair is somewhat undefined. She tells us Bill is like a surrogate father and has always been there for her. She is twenty and very pretty. Still an implanted bottle blonde, but in not such a harsh streetwalker kind of way.
Not sure whether she works for them or is just another anti Penniphile.
Josh arrives last on a motorcycle. He tells us that Bill took him in when his own mother was on drugs, and his father in prison. This must have been waaaaay before the Penny Reich, as I could not see her allowing a kind hearted gesture like this. He and Billy are friends.
They all assemble in the inheritance room with Hoaxhost as he tells them he holds in his hand the last will of Bill Long. ( three lines of calligraphy on a stage prop do not make a last will & testament , but I digress.) They will all be voted out one by one in the “inheritance chain” till only one remains.
Each week they will face off in a challenge to test the qualities Bill admires most, Determination, Endurance and Intellect. Hey wait – I heard Bill himself say his admired qualities were Aggressiveness, Tenacity and Honesty. Oh, Fleiss must have had to change it so Penny could actually play, as she doesn’t do the honesty thing at all I’m sure. Anyway, back to the challenges. The winner is that old reality TV chestnut “immune” , and gets to protect one other person from being cut. That person in turn protects another and so on till the third person left. That person must choose who to protect and thus who goes. This is the “inheritance chain”. Hoaxster dismisses them telling them the challenge is the next day.
Penny gathers her peeps for a blood drinking cerem.. er I mean to strategize. She announces that Billy is first to go. She hates Billy. Billy tells us that in Eighth grade Penny told him he was “worthless” just like many wicked step-mothers before her. After that he stopped caring. Yes words are as bad as blows to the head Penny. What a warm fuzzy family moment. Penny then tells the crew to “prostitute yourselves” if you have to, to win. That’s been her secret for success in life – why shouldn’t it work here? I hope hubby has a great divorce lawyer on speed dial.
First competition is classic Big Brother. They all have to put their hand flat on a large safe and hold a piggy bank in the other. Last one standing wins. After nine hours and fourty five minutes Josh, Ashley , and of course Penny are still standing. She could stand for days when cash is involved so no surprise there. They make a deal Josh where Josh will save Penny this round , and Ashley the next if they save Billy. Hoax presents Josh with a big gaudy ring that is supposedly Bills designating him protected heir.
The lobbying starts with Penny saying Billy is still going , She lied. quelle surprise. Danielle seems to be more on the Billy side and feels sorry for him.
They all seat themselves in the inheritance room with Hoax, while Bill cools his heels in the dining room ready to strike the loser off the stage prop. Josh picks Penny, good to his word . It then goes down Ashley, Granny Bette, Scott, Kristen, Danielle. In the Fleissian style, Hoax comes in and points out this is a crucial point in the inheritance chain. She must pick the last protected one, and by default the loser. She picks Billy spoiling Cruella’s plan. Mickey is the first cut. His response – What a F’in dumbass. He says with the Penny cartel he had no chance against that “ greedy manipulative bitch”. Another warm fuzzy moment at the Long family reality show.
Not surprisingly , Penny is really angry at Danielle. Inexplicably she is shown in confessional in a trucker hat crushing the ratty Medusa hair. Maybe she slums when really angry. She threatens Danielle’s job leaving all the lawyerly types watching rubbing their hands together squeaking ‘wrongful dismissal suite’. Danielle isn’t afraid of Penny , and Billy is very happy she kept him. Mickey says he wants Josh to win in a parting statement.
The next day , Danielle Billy and Josh form an alliance in the sauna . Very clever as ratsnest head Penny wouldn’t dare go near that humidity. She’s not a go with the fro kinda girl. Penny meanwhile is on the first of her many daily rants. She’s talking about what a taker and manipulator Danielle is. Not for the first time I’m struck by how incredibly narcissistic she is. Pot meet Kettle. She also repeats the “I’m going to fire her” threat. Lawyers are now jumping up and down. I suspect the divorce lawyers have joined the labor , and inheritance specialists in the Penny watch.
We are back in the inheritance room with Tony Hoax as he explains from now on before each challenge they will each get a minute to whine and beg for a challenge advantage to be determined by Bill. You remember Bill. He’s the sucker that married Penny and lost his son and his cahones all in one fell swoop.
Josh goes first and Bill seems happy to see him. He starts by thanking him for the opportunity. Bill gets a frozen smirk on his face that doesn’t leave as the succession of them try to cry, and wheedle their way for the leg up. Penny looks especially haggard in her trip in. People with too big of an implant for their frame need to check cleavage for the wrinkly saggage she has going on. Ewww. She tells Bill she is in a lot of pain from her previous challenge. Bill knows this means if you know whats good for you you will give it to me. Hoaxhost tells us that they will know at the challenge who has the advantage and dismisses them.
Back on the delusion train, Penny tells everyone how fake and patronizing Billy is. (Pot-Kettle 2) She then confirms that if the old geezer gives his flesh & blood the advantage, she’ll make Bill’s life miserable. Empty threat if you think about it, Every day with this hag is probably already unbearable.
They are brought to a generic set of horse stables for the next challenge. The top three finishes from the last challenge are team captains and must pick a team to complete this challenge. Josh goes first as he’s the previous winner. He picks Billy and Danielle which I name team revenge against Penny – Revenge for short.
Penny picks Mom and brother Scott for team Bad Seed. And finally Ashley has no choice but the remaining two blonde bimbets for team Barbie.
It’s a show how well you do stable chores challenge as picked by Bill. How utterly sick and twisted to actually expect a ranch owner to – you know – work in the stables & stuff. Team Revenge is pumped as two have them have done the work before.
Challenge 1 – complete two metal horse corrals. 2- Fill a trough with water from another trough up to a fill line. 3- Muck out a stall ( you know – horse manure ) and replace it with fresh straw and shavings. Not difficult and not brain taxing.
Team bad seed is fuming. How dare Penny be asked to perform menial labor? The nofair squeals can probably be heard in Kansas. Then comes the fun part. Three cute cowboys come out and unfurl wrist and ankle cuffs. Normally a dungeon theme would cheer Penny up, but she then realizes the team will complete the task shackled together. Nofairnofairnofair. The first team that completes the challenge and unlocks one of their members to ring a final challenge bell is the winner. The person that rings is the protected heir , so presumably the other two would be expect to be protected. Penny brightens a bit when Hoax tells her she has the advantage and thus her team. They will get a minute head start.
Off they go with Penny dragging elderly mom and morbidly obese brother. Not surprisingly even with Bad Seeds minutes head start; team Revenge still finishes the corral challenge first. Team Barbie is fairly close behind. They finish the water challenge and speed off before team Bad Seed finish the first challenge. The Revenge and the Barbies muck out the stalls while Bad Seed comes to the water challenge where they promptly quit without trying. Five minutes of labor is all you can expect from that crew. Team Barbie makes a critical error when they forget to lock the stall and must go back Team revenge finishes, and unlocks Billy for the win.
Penny freaks. Oh how routine this is getting.
Penny reminds Josh of his promise to protect Ashley. She seems to have conveniently forgotten their broken promise to protect Billy. Penny wanders from group to group ranting about one thing or another. This is getting really old really quick. She has her family under such tight control out of sheer terror of her rage they all know to fall in line or suffer. How incredibly sad. It reminds me of a bad movie of the week, but these people are real. The laywers must be on the phone to Bill by now – or at least doing a mail blitz. Ashley starts to tell bitchPenny to just shut up and not make such a spectacle. Even poor Scott wonders about her sanity. At Kristens afternoon birthday party it is finally figured out that poor Kristen herself will be going. The previous night she had tried to save herself in the old go to Ashleys room and prostitute yourself Penny way. She says they Looove each other, but everyone knows he loves Mama and her cash more.
They are supposed to have a protected heir dinner before the ceremony, but only the Billy alliance and Crystal show up. The Penny alliance is getting drunk by the pool. Ashley is still telling her to shut the hell up, or they have no chance.
At the ceremony , Bill is again relegated to the dining room, while the others gather with Hoaxy in the inheritance room.
Billy picks Crystal then Danille- Josh- Ashley ( fulfilling his promise , but not before a really nasty threat by Penny.) Ashley, much like Bill Sr has lost his cahones and picks Penny – Bette. Bette must make the “crucial choice” as Hoax calls it. She picks Scott. Kristen has been bawling her eyes out the whole time knowing what’s coming. She meets Bill in the dining room and tells him how brutal it’s getting. He strikes her from the will for effect and then she tells us she and Ash are so over.
Next week – Penny rants and raves like a loon
-Ash makes Penny’s birdsnest hair look normal when he gets an even worse “do”. Is there no conditioner in that house ?
-Someone slings a bomb or a backpack at someone from a car and calls them a bitch.
Is this the worst of cheesy TV? Hey how should I know? I just think this woman is a poor excuse for a human. Cash for the send Penny to work in the stables forever fund to firstname.lastname@example.org