Some people watch Golf on TV. Some people watch Bowling. Some people watch little cars do 80 laps around a little track. And yet even these people never tuned in to Wickedly Perfect. But for the
fansfan out there, here's part deux of probably the most riveting episode of television since the Brady Bunch maid spent an entire episode shopping for meat. Not that kind. Dangit.
First up it's time for Mitch and Kimberly to find out exactly how their final cage match will go down. Will there be crafting? Knife fights? Nudity? *fingers crossed* Mitch and Kimberly immediately meet up with Joan to find out they're both throwing coming out parties for.....themselves. The loft space they’re standing in will be spliced right down the middle, where they will throw side by side shindigs. Each contestant will work with Tentation, pronounced-wrongly-to-me-as-Tentaysheeown, to design a gathering using the finest caterers and party planners. At the party, each finalist will also unveil their own magazine cover, a magazine that they will name and design with the help of a photographer and graphic designer. In the end, it's all about their image, and they'll be judged on every aspect of how they present themselves and how much of a buzz people get off each of the parties. Each person gets two days to prepare and $20,000. The person with the sweetest shennanigans wins it all!
Mitch wants to beat Kimberly. And sadly, I think he might mean that literally. Kimberly says Mitch is a jackass and pities him, but that he, “puts together cool flower arrangements.” <-----snotty.
Up first, both Mitch and Kimberly meet with their party planners. Kimberly’s extremely excited not to have to ask her fellow peeps for permission to ribbon-rose it up anymore. Her vision for the party is a happy, embracy feel, and tells the planner that she wants the party to reach out and hold the people, like a sausage-y good pig in a blanket. She wants it all to be more about the environment than the food, and envisions a rustic French or Tuscan theme. She ends up choosing a rich, coacoa brown and harvest color pallet, insisting that she doesn't want anything she does to look Mitchy, i.e. nothing minimalist or asian.
When Mitch meets with his party planners, he first tells us how puzzled he is that the judges see something in Kimberly, because in his eyes, girlfriend is as exciting and innovative as Ishtar. He tells his planner that he wants clean and simple, but hot. <---ode to Paris Hilton. Red hot, to be exact, picking out rich oranges and enough tomato red to blind a bull. He picks out all his fabrics with extreme flourish and ease, telling us fabric picking is like consuming oxygen for him. I.e. refreshing and effortless.
Work it, baby, Work it!
Up next it’s covergirl or boy time. Mitch is first, and he adorns himself in a caliente red sweater, posing with arms crossed and a really fakey look on his face. He ends up picking up a bland background so that he’ll “pop” right from the page, I’m hoping in 3D fashion. But no. He gets all Frankenstein on his image when he has the graphic artist lop his head off one picture, his hand off another, and combine them into FrankenMitch. The name of his magazine: Directions for Living. *snore*
Kimberly’s wearing the same outfit from her screen test for her shoot, and poses dully in front of a French Chauteau, making her cover the hottest magazine to hit dental offices since Horse and Hound. She says that she always knew that one day she’d have a magazine, and apparently, today is that day. She ends up naming it equally blandly, with Lifestyle. Which, in many people’s world, is a condom. But in her world, it gives off already-been-there décor tips. At the top she adorns it with her initials, two backwards K’s in scroll, so that they don’t even look like her initials, further adding to the Equestrian Today-like partayyyyy atmosphere. Her only work with the graphic designer comes when he takes the lines out of her face, and adds a miniature goat in the background.
Shrooms and Other Reasons to Get High
Early the morning of the party, it’s time to look at purty things like flowers. Kimberly decides she wants a tree in the center of the party. When she deals with Keiko (<---not married to O'Brien. *waits for Star Trek fans*) she tells her that she knows that Mitch is way skilled in this area, and needs to rely on Keiko's Keiko-ness to kick ass. But no matter, she's not worried, says she, she has other things to crush him with. Like that Horse and Hound cover.
In Mitchville, he selects the flowers easily and effortlessly, totally scolding a poor Tentation party planner from buying too much. He says this isn’t his first time at the rodeo, and I shudder when my mind accidentally conjures up images of him in chaps. Nooooo! *pokes own eye* Mitch quickly disposes of the flower task and moves on to food, where he immediately asks the Tentation chefs about the most requested food items. Apparently the most popular thing on the menu is their signature cheesy-puff with truffle oil. <---not by Cheeto. Mmmm. Me want. Everyone’s atwitter as he includes these on the menu with extreme glee. Accompanying the cheesy goodness is a potato sushi. Mitch nearly tweaked the menu at the last minute, he says, until he realized, hey, he's not a chef. His total food budget is $8550. And as they never include Kimberly's food tally, this figure is pointless.
It's Kimberly’s turn to select her own gorgeables. The chef also recommends the popular cheese puff idea, but she poo poos it in favor of her own favorite foods. She wants the food to be her; i.e. an imitation of something long-since established. She picks a specialty drink of champagne with cinnamon almond sticks and we are as wowed as one can be over nut sticks. <----suddenly reminded of SNL's Crotch Bat™ and Crotch Missile™. Mitch’s signature drink consists of watery tomato water with a shot of alcohol in it. Which it needs in order to make tomato water sound good. Can you believe I’m bringin’ this all to you, live? Neither can I. *pinches self*
In a final flourish before the parties begin, Mitch insists that his waiters all wear the same red shirt he’s going to sport. So he’s essentially made himself a waiter. In the final stretch, Mitch touchingly begins to cry and says it’s all so overwhelming, and that he’s paid his dues and this is finally payday for him. Awww. Kimberly tells us she doesn’t have the experience Mitch does but thinks she’s the more genuine person and the better person, and that warm-and-inviting will kick the ass of red-and-tomato-scary any day.
El Noche De La Fiesta!
It is finally time. THE time, for the shenanigans to get under way, in the way that only shenanigans can. We see a speed demo of the set-up of each of the spaces, and theoretically marvel at the extremely different choices made.
In the end, Kimberly’s final party:
$19,800 price tag
Tuscan homey party with a big floral tree in the center; huge, chocolate brown, square, fur-covered benches surrounding it, scented votive candles, big overstuffed pillows on everything, harvest colors, and elaborate floral arrangements with hydrangea everywhere.
Mitch’s final party:
$19,700 price tag (<---pointless figures, because they matter so little to the outcome of the show, that they may as well have given us the coinage in yen or yak currency - which fyi, are not the same.)
His room explodes with a scary, red, stark setting. And/or as they call it, chic city. Red and pink carnations explode all over huge red benches with pillows, a curved bar, white birch branches, and a ton of arrows on the floor.
Mitch and Kimberly prep their wait staff:
Mitch: Chop, chop, people! Pop! Sparkle! Shine like a crazy diamond!
Kimberly: Have fun!
Mitch tastes his, devouring every bite like a hungry chimp.
Kimberly, on the other hand, is not even aware she has food, choosing instead to cheerfully coif her hair with the palm of her hand.
Soon the veil between the parties is pulled away and Kimberly and Mitch meet to eyeball the other's mistakes/successes and taunt each other in their heads. Kimberly’s wearing a strapless little Oscar-type gown, while Mitch wears a red shirt and suit, looking waiterrific. Both are stunned at how differently their spaces turned out. Mitch compliments Kimberly’s space, saying it’s pretty, but then tells us it’s boring and imitative. Kimberly tells Mitch she wanted everything to be the opposite of him, and dangit she takes the high rode instead of using that opening for a well-timed dig.
The party soon begins and the guests arrive to a chatty and giggling Mitch and a subdued but friendly Kimberly. Mitch makes quick use of his red shirt by carrying hor devours trays everywhere.
Soon the judges arrive in their swanky get-ups, ready to live it high on the hog/potato sushi. Mitch’s all atwitter while the judges check his space, and we see Bobby Flay asking Kimberly if she really, really, wants this. We’re assume “this” is the role of Stylemaker, vs. the hot drink he's holding. Kimberly tells him it’s her ideal job, and later tells everyone how she chose the water side after a coin toss. This information is pointless now, and yes, this is the excitement contained in this party. Woo. Hoo.
The judges begin to intimately check out the space and the food, and both Bobby and Candace comment about how much they love nuts. At least the ones along Kimberly's bar. The writer of Sex and the City may mean more. Bobby comments on how her house drink is spot-on for the season, and all three love how inviting and cozylicious her party is. But that charm is soon to hit the dirt when they all take their first bite of Kimberly's appetizers. Candace wants to hurl up an old shoe, and says everything she puts in her mouth, she's forced to spit out. One of her choices: a meatloaf and mashed potato hors devour.
At Mitchapalooza, he greets the judges enthusiastically and points to the arrows on the floor, saying they’ll get what those mean later. He gives them all his tomato watery specialty drink, which Bobby tells us is horribly out of season, and sooo much an August thing, instead of a late August thing. Mitch runs off in a panic to get a server who “knows what they’re doing…like…yesterday” to serve the judges their little cheesy puffs of food. Mitch's food: potato sushi with creme fresh, veal oscar with crab, asparagus and saffron rice, and a cheese puff with gruyere cheese and truffle oil. The judges think everything is…to..die..for. *faints*
Up next is Joan, introducing each of the contestants for their big magazine reveal. Mitch is up first and immediately launches into heavy-duty host mode. He says this is the night of a lifetime, and says he's been dreaming of this since he was 12. He makes a joke about his supportive parents, saying they always wanted him to pursue his dreams, which apparently, was a big deal for his father, a high school basketball coach who encouraged Mitch to go forth and maketh the world pretty with flowers. *audience chuckles, except for Gene Simmons, who for some reason..hey…what the hell is Gene Simmons doing at this party?* He says that he’s fortunate to have the name Mitchell Adam Pennel, because of the delightful MAP initialing. And with that, he whips the tarp off his magazine cover to reveal the busiest little ugly cover you’ve ever seen, with Mitch’s image smashed in the middle and a little “map” in a box on the side. The magazine is called Directions for Living, and I’m underwhelmed. His goal is to give you directions everywhere, to Paris, to a dinner party, to the nearest Trekkie convention. The judges are also underwhelmed, but seem to really dig that the MAP logo is thankfully small.
Up next it’s Kimberly’s turn. She starts by saying she’s a homemaker from Atlanta, and has been cooking and sewing and building for years. She thinks there’s a void in the domestic arts, a void she wants to fill with ribbon roses. Her goal is to forcefully inject style and elegance into people’s lives, but wants to do it in an approachable, feel-good way, letting people know they CAN cook a meal for six, they CAN make ribbon roses, they CAN adorn their cell phones with macrame covers. The magazine title: Lifestyle. The judges all think she photographs well, but aren’t shocked or impressed by the magazine’s subheadings etc.
Both finalists end the night thinking they nailed it. Only one of them did. According to Mitch, ‘tis he, as he believes he won it before the contest even started. A less cocky Kimberly believes she won it on party night in conjunction with her daily, sparkling, feel-good personality.
Time To Rock
Soon it’s time for everyone to once again assemble at the rock garden where the judges must choose. All the other contestants show up to watch pointlessly from the sidelines and weigh in on who they think will win. Tom says it’s a toss up, because both Kimberly and Mitch have such different styles. Darlene thinks the next person must be attractive and teachable, and thinks that allll piles on Kimberly’s little bird shoulders. Margo thinks Mitch has it in the bag by having the most skilz.
First up, the judges nail them with final questions:
Candace to Mitch: What did you want your party to say? If your party had a voice, what would it whisper in the wind? Explain. Mitch says he wanted his party to be passionate pink and orange and tell a story about himself, thus not really answering the question.
Candace to Kimberly: same dealio. Kimberly says her main objective was making the guests warm and comfortable.
Bobby: why did Kimberly pick such a stately background for her mag? She says it appealed to her because it was sophisticated and elegant while still being well worn and loved.
David tells Mitch that his magazine cover was a little busy, whassup with that? Mitch says he wanted to tell the story about how his name and concept came about, and needed it to be a bit busy, but felt it was important to get his story and point across in the first issue.
Candace, menancingly to Kimberly: Um…did you taste your
garbagefood? There’s an uncomfortable silence where Kimberly’s eyes bulge and she says no, indeed she did not, she was too busy getting her hair and make-up done. The other contestants’ eyes pop at this grave error. Candace insists it was a critical element, but Kimberly says if she had tasted it, it would have been too late anyway, and is overall still pleased with how everything turned out.
Bobby wants Mitch to tell him why he chose such a horribly out of season tomato water martini, isn’t that a summer drink, dude? Mitch says he thought it worked because he wanted something different, and seasonality wasn’t at the top of his priority list. Kimberly tries to trump Mitch by saying she picked her drink because the nutty spicyness would be good for that time of year and worked well with her color pallet.
Finally Mitch and Kimberly get to speak to everyone directly and tell us why they each deserve to win it all. Kimberly flipped a coin and wanted to go first. Her whole deal is that she’s a homemaker from the south and is really, really, freakishly passionate about the domestic arts. Her vision is to bring it on back to peeps in an unpretentious way, giving them years of goodness and craftiness from someone they trust, someone who inspires them to believe they CAN make their very own doily.
Mitch’s answer is so pompous, I’m awed by the big balls he sports. He says that God gave him a special gift, and that it’s time he stepped up and shared it. “Much is given, much is expected,” he pompously reports. He wants to give back and thinks his winning is a big step in bettering the world. Yes, all eyes pop.
Finally it’s deliberation time, and the judges huddle together to decide who gets it all. From the sidelines, Denise says Mitch is a tempermental hussy, but he’s the most creative and hence, should win. Dawn obviously hopes Kimberly gets it, but says if Mitch does she’ll be just as jazzed/stoked/ready-to-cartwheel.
David says that Mitch handled the questions so dang well, he’s just impressed. Bobby’s disturbed that Kimberly didn’t taste her food at all, but Candace thinks her party still came off really well with the big flower tree sucking you into the brown world. Bobby and Candace notsomuch impressed with Mitch’s party, however. Bobby calls it Valentine’s Day on steroids, while David thinks it was an innovative city party. Candace digs the birch branches but thought the place had absolutely no atmosphere. David disagrees, but Candace still thinks Kimberly did a better job.
When it comes to the magazine ideas, Bobby thinks Mitch’s concept is way better and says his idea spoke to him, as only magazine covers can. Candace agrees and finds it mucho appealing. In the end, all judges mirror Bobby’s voice by saying it’s gonna be a toughie.
And the Oscar Goes To…
It’s time to finally announce what we’ve not really been waiting for. At stake: a book deal with Atrium books, a subsidiary of Simon and Schuster. Six guaranteed appearances on the CBS early show. A deal with King World to develop their own TV series. And an SUV, a GMC 2005 Yukon Denali.
Candace says she voted for the person who knows the audience and knows what they want and how to give it to them. Her vote is for…..Kimberly.
David respects both of them immensely, but had to look at past challenges and whose ideas spoke to him the loudest. That person is………..Mitch.
And it’s down to poor Bobby to break that tie, which makes it even harder for him. He says that when he was trying to decide who should win, he wrote down some words that he thought would describe the victor: Potential, smart, marketable, and comfortable. And that means………Kimberly.
Everyone rejoices, elves dance, Mitch hugs her, and all the other peeps excitedly exclaim various things while tackling her with hugs. And oddly, Mitch says he didn’t have any sinking feelings, which looks to be an actually sincere statement. He says we haven’t seen the last of him. Kimberly realizes she won’t be a homemaker anymore, but has so many ideas for cookbooks and other books, and thinks she’s ready to take on the world.
No it isn't. firstname.lastname@example.org