Anytime you're talking about serious discussions of around-the-world themed pot holders and mini, weiner-dog coats with satin, bone-emblazoned trim, you think one thing: comedy. Because home decorating and fancy pies are to comedy......what taser fights and prison gangs are to comedy. I.e. chock full of laughs. So yes, what I'm saying is, I am finding seeking-the-comedy in this show to be a fruitless pursuit. Comedy, wherefore art thou? *sigh*
So here it is: finale time. And/or sudden-finale time, as this one hour show suddenly *poof* popped into a two hour show as CBS made plans to catapult it into the atmosphere. We're left with two episodes, crammed, clown-car-style, into one. Here's Part One of the crammy goodness: the screen tests, and the selecting of The Chosen™.
It’s day 25 at the estate, and Kimberly is wisely surprised that she’s back to play the game. Also wisely surprised, and might I add, extremely pissed, is Mitch. Who thinks Kimberly should die a sweet, slow, death at the hand of a Home Sweet Home embroidered silk pillow, dyed to match a smart, velvet, fainting couch. But is he worried? Pfffft....no steenking way. She has as much chance of winning it all as he has of pinning Evander Holyfield. Is he right? Buwahahahaha!
First up on the rancho de perfecto, Joan greets them all in the kitchen to tell them the game changes now!! No more Beavers. No more Artisans. Only teams of one: starring each, wacky, perfectionist OCDer. (In actuality, I like the people, their ideas, and the show. *gasp* CBS reached their target audience: me. Shhhh. Back off. *holds up home-made, embroidered cross*) The news of their sudden solitude produces a chorus of smiles from the suddenly pleasantly antisocial bunch. The next challenge: a screen test in New York city, where they will all join CBS early show host Hannah Storm (scribbled in my notes as Henny Star, see what I do for you?), and create and demonstrate the making of a crafty and pointless item of their choosing. They’ll be judged on ingenuity and the ability to communicate their vision. The judges will be the only voters, they get 24 hours to prepare, and the contest starts...now! *all run off with Flintstone feet*
During prep time, all the peeps are busily sewing/baking/building pointless crafts most of us will never attempt nor desire owning. But I’m impressed with their creative zeal. The fact that Dawn can get that zippy about a “table scape” is really…well that’s just remarkable. Mitch is catty and totally rips on Kimberly for the re-emergence of her ribbon roses. Yes, she’s doing ribbon roses again, and as Mitch says eloquently, after noting her ribbon-rose related defeat time and time again, “that will go over like a fart in church.” Heather laughs. Ahhh. The eloquence. He IS a stylemaker. Kimberly says she’s been to the rock garden 2.21 billion times and doesn't want to go home again.
Cranberries, Magic Beans, and Neurotic Make-up Artists
Soon, all the peeps hitch a ride in a fancy limo to New York, and first up for the peeps is a makeover that none of them welcome nor expect. Mitch orders his stylist around in a very Mitchy way, Kimberly likes her hair the way it is, and Amy insists on getting "Go Beavers!" shaved into the side of her head. And/or an Audrey Hepburn upswept 'do. The one person most displeased with their stylist is Heather, who insists she's getting drag queened. <---new verb. The petite little man keeps covering up her freckles, and after arguing with him about it ten different ways, she finally hoists his wee form into the air, spins him like a plate, and hurtles his body into a shampoo display. <--partial fiction. She ends up running into the ladie's room and doing her own make-up in a huff. Was it wise to disregard the stylist's recommendations? We shall see, my pretties.
Soon, newly coiffed, everyone files into the studio to meet Hannah Storm, CBS host, and co-partner in each of their five minute segments. Dawn is all verklempt and jittery, and is adorned in the identical smock (smock = shirt in this case) that Hannah has. Hannah tells them all that relaxing is the biggest thing, and that she'll be selecting the peeps in random order. And heeeere we go!!
Dawn’s screen test:
Dawn is creating a table scape. A boring, dull, fabric covered table with plates. She has a big, bright smile, but her hands shake like she’s coming off a crack high. She and Hannah giggle about their matching tops. I’m atwitter.
Candace: thinks she looks awesome and hot but thinks her voice is all like a cartoon character sucking helium. Dawn says hey, helium is her style, and now that she knows no one likes it, she'll try to pipe it down a bit.
David: he wants her hair back in a bun. Grrrreat, useless, advice.
Bobby: unthrilled with the ending, and says that people are easily distracted by shiny objects in their 10,000-things-to-do mornings, but he thinks she looks great. So she's got that goin' for her.
Dawn tells us she feels great and delicious about her test, and thinks it has to do with her years of school teaching.
Mitch’s Screen test:
He’s all jazzed because he’s prepared for 20 years for this exact moment! Mitch adeptly works the stage while making an attractive apple candle holder adorned with floral, wire-speared cranberries. For the most part, he kicks it out of the ball park, but rushes the ending.
David: Dude thinks Mitch is a robot. I.e. no inflection in his voice. Loves the simplicity, but not thrilled by don’t nobody gott’oh, Mr. Roboto.
Mitch covers up Roboto voice by Pee Wee Hermaning, “I meant to do that.”
Candace thought he needed something. Chapstick? A wooly scarf? No. Personality. She wants to be entertained. But thought the ending was perfecto.
Bobby: wishes that Mitch was more zesty and flavorful like a southwestern ancho chili guacamole. He alludes to the fact that he may or may not have been snoring/counting floor tiles during the session and found himself, “eeeeeeeeeee” <----high pitched fading out ala Channel 3.
Back in the green room, Mitchy tells everyone he did great, but tells us that Bobby Flay sucks rocks, has a job to do, and damn well better do it!! The fact that Flay's mind went buh-bye during his test, makes Mitch ready to snuff him too.
Amy's screen test:
Amy looks great, albeit wild, especially with that Beaver's logo shaved into her head. But she's all bubbly and smiley on screen while she makes snakes out of neckties. She manages to spill her beans/snake innards everywhere. Hannah and Amy chortle as the beans merrily frollick to the floor, missing the funnel at the careless Hand of Hannah, the HOH.
David: says wow, girlfriend had great energy, and if he had been zipping past the channel, he would have stopped.
Bobby: Apparently the beans did not frollick merrily for Bobby, as he thought the bean spillage was akin to the apolocolypse. Did she even try the craft beforehand? Um…uh duh…yah, says she. Well, wtf happened, Bobby wants to know. What happened is that they’re dry beans, dude. Chill. This tain't Chernobyl. Her kids have done it a billion times.
Candace: She thinks doing a project for kids took away some of the heavy duty, intense seriousness of stuffed animal crafts. Amy says, whatever, she wanted to be diverse enough to be able to do everything.
Kimberly's screen test:
Kimberly looks hot. *tsss* Caliente! She sports a slim black blazer and a coiff-y good bouffant that bounces and leaps with her every move. Not so exciting, is her two second craft: ribbon roses. But you wouldn't know it to watch Hannah, who is transfixed and merry and therefore.....easily amused. Later that night, Hannah will giggle over the light reflected off a shiny kitchen spoon. Kimberly explains her craft well and even has little ideas of things to use the ribbon roses for: i.e. purses, broaches, prison bribes etc.
Candace: Girlfriend, watching you made me feel like I could actually do it. And you looked smashingly delicious.
Bobby: Hannah branded you, now you’re totally the ribbon rose lady.
David: Loves her outfit, and would watch her just for her succulent appearance.
Kimberly ends up in the green room gushing to everyone about how amazing she did and la dee da she is loved. Mitch rolls his eyes and clutches the Home Sweet Home pillow more tightly.
Heather's screen test:
Whoah, girlfriend is serious. She woodenly demonstrates purse making, the most non-wooden of all of the Pointless Arts™. All while dressed like a big cotton candy stick with Shirley Temple curls. She's too stiff, she's rushed at the end, and overall....eh.
Bobby: Way cool that she had a fluffy little purse to show off at the end. He clearly covets the happy bag and eyes it for his own purposes. Whatever they may be.
Candace: She thought the craft owned Heather, and said she was missing that little spark that a person needs for purse crafting.
David: Helllllloooo Flashdance! Girl, wife-beaters and off the shoulder sweaters will not allow us to take you seriously in the way purse making should!
Bobby, butting in again: Um….yo, what’s the most important piece of equipment in the purse making? Heather gestures to non-existent sewing machines, making Bobby’s point clear: she should have had a sewing machine. Candace says two sewing machines, while Hannah agrees that it would be “hilarious” to watch her try and sew. <--guffaw, without feeling.
In the end, Heather is still pleased with herself, in a feel good, “what a feeling” way. She’s open to whatever happens.
Triumph of the Bouffant
Everybody’s atwitter in the green room. Kimberly pats herself on the back for having a bouffant o’ power, Mitch says he’s never gone to the chopping block, and Kimberly says that her chopping block days have only made her strong-like-bull.
In la studio, the judges deliberate over who makes the final two. On the one hand, it doesn’t matter. On the other hand, it just doesn’t matter. Actually, that’s just my opinion. They immediately decide that Heather is lame and zipless, and Amy has juvenile ideas. *bzzz* Gone. Both of them. *poof* In a puff of smoke. But they all loooove Kimberly’s ribbon rose extravaganza, and think she nailed it. The second spot is a toss up between Mitch and Dawn. Candace and David both thing Mitch has what it takes in the form of creative, zesty ideas and a will to be supremely Martha-licious for life. But Bobby thinks Dawn just has that sparkly sparkle and he hangs on tight to the way she lights up a camera.
Soon, the contestants are summoned back to the sound stage for the big reveal. Dawn’s finally allowing herself to be excited, which, sadly for her, is about two or three minutes premature. Mitch smugly thinks he’s in the lead.
The first pick is someone who’s been up and down but managed to pull out a fabulous screen test. And that person is……..Kimberly! She beams. Her bouffant remains still.
Up next, a person who just didn’t have the it factor, and that is…Heather. She says she’s okay, did her best and can let it rest.
The next person flew under the radar but despite having an adorable screen test, just didn’t have star quality. And that person is….Amy, who personally sees her under the radar thingy as a strength and not a weakness.
It’s down to Mitch and Dawn. Who will it be? Bobby tells us that the judges were incredibly conflicted. First off, Dawn has a tremendous amount of potential, and has that incredibly important star factor: good dentistry. Apparently her smile could light up an entire pack of Kools and a small book banning party. He then tells Mitch his screen test was iffy, but that he’s a great team leader with oodles (does not use that word) of great ideas. And..after a long deliberation, the person going to the finals with Kimberly is…………Mitch!
Everyone rejoices, all congratulate Mitch and Kimberly, and neither of them can wait to fight to the bloody death for the strange title of Wickedly Perfect.
Stay tuned shortly for part two of the finale, where Kimberly and Mitch ready themselves for their own magazine unveiling and a chance at winning the whole enchilada.