The show begins with Mitch and Dawn, sittin’ in the kitchen, K-i-S-s-I-N…..wait, that won’t work. Mitch lies and says he’s stunned they’ve made it to the final five. *snort*<---us...chuckling. For we know the man has already picked out his first, crisp, egyptian cotton apron for week one of The Mitch Hour™. Alternatively, the soft and cuddly Dawn prefers not to think about the end of the contest, as she feels all verklempt over sending Kimberly home the night before. She's so tired of the game being so...so....game-y.
Soon Joan greets both teams in the foyer wearing a big, green, ice fishing vest, ready to deliver the news of the next challenge. Both teams will be given a vacant lot that to landscape and turn into a community park. And as Joan is a proper-type of lady, there is no fanfare when she mentions the surprise…ise…ise..*echo*. Apparently lot-landscapin’ requires mucho muscle and they need help. And...there are people out there looking for a second chance. And with that, the staircase above them suddenly fills with all the people previously ousted from the show. The remaining contestants cheer and get all giggly as if they’re happy. Mitch goes so far as to say, “this is so cool!” <----lies.
Joan lets them know that they can choose any contestant to work for their team, and being that team Artisan only has two remaining members, they get to pick first. Mitch and Dawn immediately huddle and soon choose the woodworking Tim. Mitch says they took him for his carpentry skills, and because he has testicles. <----(well he said, “because he’s a man.” But, I choose to word it this way.)
There is no consensus with the Crafty Beavers, however. Both Heather and Amy want Tom, while Darlene cringes and insists she will hurl up her spleen and a World War II boot if he rejoins them. So what she’s saying is, no. We flash back to footage of an incredibly rude Tom mocking Darlene, and we can understand her boot feelings. But Amy and Heather smilingly ignore her and insist on picking Tom anyway. Apparently, they need testicles too. *insert your own joke here* He joins, and Darlene ends up fakely hugging him in typical reality TV fashion. I.e. “I
don’tLOVE you, *under breath* you rat bastard!” <----basic sentiment.
Team Artisan picks again, and they nab Kimberly, all because Mitch says it would make Dawn happy, and also I do believeth he's also interested in her skilz as a woodworker. This is not said, but I imply it.
The rest of the roster:
Beavers pick Denise
Artisans pick Michelle
Beavers pick Mychael<---saying it once: lame spelling.
Artisans end up with Margo.
Joan soon gives them the lot parameters: each must contain a meditation area, a picnic spot, and be aesthetically pleasing. This time, the individual project is a topiary. They get 24 hours for the task this time, and will be shopping online at Sears for everything they need. Each team has a budget of $5,000.
The exciting development: If any of the returning contestants are part of the winning team, and the judges decide their individual topiary is the best, they'll get a second chance to come back and kick more perfectionist hiney. If not, then....buh-bye. Forever......ever...ever..*thu nder/lightning*. All are thrilled that they get a chance to prove themselves again, and they cheer and squeal in delight. Not so happy is Mitch. Who is always King of the not-so-happy camp. All nab several things online before loading up their trucks and heading down to the lots.
Each team has identical lots with a staging area in front of each, with big walls of plastic surrounding them, keeping the opposing team from peakage and idea stealing. Both teams get a bulldozer, all their Sears-purchased tools, and the same amount of vegetation, lumber, sod, and helper monkeys.
When each team finally sees their lot, they’re wowed by them. The lots being large, square, featureless rectangles of sand, we see that they’re wowed easily. Dawn tells us that her husband builds homes, so she’s used to landscaping and is totally stoked and ready to giddy-up on the challenge.
Mitch states the obvious by saying if Artisan loses, they’re both up for elimination, and the four ousted members/helpers will be responsible for helping to decide who goes home. And as he doesn’t want that to happen, he immediately gets going by drawing a swirling pattern for the garden.
While team Artisan starts grooming the ground and digging out a pond, the Beavers sit there and plan and plan and plan, killing valuable time. Amy lets us know that she can sooo win the whole contest because she’s the complete, uber-package. Tom suggests using the sod vertically to make it more interesting, and Heather agrees, saying the place doesn’t have to last, it just has to look good. Darlene cringes. Eventually, Amy takes control and demands they map everything out, while telling us she doesn’t really WANT a leadership role, but everyone starts coming up to her and asking her what to do anyway.
*singing* Ho Ho HO......Greeeeeeen Giant
Okayyyy, this episode is going to be all about ho-ing. Not that kind. But up next is a very interesting half hour of footage in which we see the progress of each of the lots coming along either A. like a well-oiled…..oily thing/Chippendale with Swayze moves, as in the Artisan’s case, or B. like the Chris Farley of Chippendale land, i.e. bumpy, not-so-hot...and awkward. As is the case with the Crafty Beavers.
First up, the Artisan’s are alllll smooth and tasty. Tim gets busy being Timmish, i.e. he puts together a kick-butt bridge over the dug-up pond area, and makes a child’s mini playground. Michelle spends a lot of time working over her topiary, because she wants back IN to this contest. Kimberly tells us that as soon as she got there, she grabbed a saw and went psycho building things. As all psychos do. “Should I kill that guy….or make an attractive artesian spa?”<---mind of the psycho.
So. Everything’s running smooth like Wesson oil in Artisan land. Until…*organ music* dun….dun…dunnnnn…..they begin working on their personal project/boxwood hedges, and Mitch jams his fingers into the shrub only to decapitate his artsy thumb! Ahhh! He’s been thumbitated. Because this is TV land where hurling is now camera worthy footage, they go ahead and show a close up of Mitch’s thumb and all I can say is…..ewwwww. *shudders* No likey the footage. So Mitch ends up flying to the ER, wondering what will happen to him over the next twelve hours. This sends Amy into full throttle boss mode, telling all the peeps they need to behave as if Mitch will never be back. In the ER, Mitch tells the doc to just fix it and let him go. He arrives back at the lot with 7.5 hours to go, his thumb glued shut, and ready to dive into his personal project.
In Beaverville, even without the thumb problems, things are loco. First off, they start off wayyyy too leisurely, taking for-ev-er to create everything. Darlene, a non-builder, tackles building a picnic table from scratch. Turns out, girlfriend is brilliant at it. According to her, wood is like fabric, and a pattern is a pattern. Everyone’s jazzed about her handy work, even the Darlene-hatin’ Tom is all impressed and said that if he had a dollar for every time his opinion of Darlene changed, he’d be a rich man. Meanwhile, Heather directs the digger man to move mounds of stuff....everywhere. Willy nilly. In the end, the dirt and weeds are simply redistributed.
Denise is in charge of the Beaverland exercise area, and all end up brainstorming and deciding on building a rock wall. Darlene insists it's cheesy, while everyone else thinks it "rocks". <---ha. Lame. Sorry. *hangs head for umpteenth time* Anyhow, they think they need the short and awkward rock wall in order to anchor the exercise area. Soon, Heather and Darlene argue over tree placements. Darlene wants one over the picnic area, while Heather is like, no, girlfriend, it will totally block it from view. Darlene thinks Heather’s a bossy beyatch, and Heather is irritated with Darlene’s meddling. They compromise on a few key locales for tree placement and soon, Heather insists there will be no more chitty chat over the plan. The plan is the plan, and no more deviation.
In the morning, the Beaver’s camp is completely falling apart, and their zen pagoda becomes, as Tom calls it, a “noGoda”. Denise thinks Heather never takes responsibility for her mistakes, and everything in Beaverland is so non-Beaverlicious, it’s not funny. With only 4 hours left, the Beavers decide to toss up a quick and simple meditation area. Again, non-builder Darlene hops in and builds a simple box structure with lattice walls, and Tom’s impressed that people keep throwing curve balls at Darlene that she somehow manages to catch and thrive on.
Running with Scissors
With only a few hours left, it’s topiary time. All the peeps begin working intensely on their little, loveable shrubs, just to make sure they have a chance to either stick around, or get back in the game.
Kimberly makes a derby hat.
Tim makes a jutty blob he calls a rose.
Michele makes a martini glass with odd little olives.
Margo makes jutty blob #2, known as “teddy bear”.
Dawn makes a diamond. Eh.
Amy makes a shoe/shapeless lump.
Denise makes a butterfly/shapeless lump.
Heather goes for simple, babies, and brings it on home with a sphere!<--excitement
Darlene makes a mushroom.
Tom’s topiary truly sucks, as he makes a dice that he fills with awkward looking dots and sprays with glitter. Dude’s shrub isn’t even square, man.
Annnnnd last but not least, Mychael carves a heart. Awww.
The final lots:
An awning and a fireplace from Sears for the meditation area.
Two square wooden tables with umbrellas and a climbing tower etc. for the picnic area.
A happy pond and a suhweet bridge finish out the classy set.
Little lattice area with benches for the meditation area.
An eight person picnic table for the picnic area.
Fitness center with a climbing wall. Pffft. It sucks.
Fire pit lined with flag stone. <----not sucky.
Soon, the three cuddly little judges arrive to dole out the insults. They head to Beaverville first, and are immediately in orgasmic delight over Darlene’s picnic table. David wants to know if Darlene comes with batteries, and Candace believes she could build a picnic table too. <----foolish. David wants to try the rock climbing wall, and immediately monkies up the jutty triangles. Soon he is all of….five feet off the ground! The rest of the world ant-like….he screams. Like a leetle girl. And/or no, he just hovers there and hops off, giggling, taking a chunk of the wall with him. Denise’s eyes pop, but David giggles and says he he he…it won’t count against them. They immediately want to know who knocked out the meditation area, and are impressed again with Darlene’s sudden building skills, while the rest of her team compliments her handiwork. Candace asks Heather what she did, and she bumbles around with a “a whole buncha stuff!” kind of answer. She ends up fibbing and talking about how the pagoda didn’t happen due to warping wood, versus the real story that the structure was so unsound, it started falling apart in the middle of the night, and they realized that hey…getting crushed by a miniature building is not very *ohm* ish.
The judges then visit Artisan’s area. They see the picnic area first while Dawn explains it all, telling them that they were thinking family was important, hence the reason for the play area being so close to the tables. Everything folds up, and the judges comment semi-snidely that hmmm…isn’t it interesting that apparently Kimberly and Tim built everything??? David, the adult child, wants to play again, and ends up testing out their footbridge. It’s footbridgey good, and he is pleased. Bobby asks about a theme, and when Dawn says there really isn’t any, just sort of a “something for everyone” theme, the judges are mute. Overall, they think the place is really lovely and it’s near a real community, saying that the people who live nearby could actually take it over right away. Mitch agrees, and says that everything is functional as is, and people can start enjoying it immediately if they want to.
Sloppy and Unsafe Versus Purty and FUNctional
Annnnd it’s judgin’ time. All gather in the little living area while Joan reminds da bosses what they’re looking for: meditation area, picnic area, the feel of the overall park, and the individual topiaries.
First up, the judges ask questions about the decisions the peeps made as a team:
To the Beavers:
David: Yo, what crackhead laid that sod? It’s sloppy and lame. Heather says she took the initiative. Bobby: Um….like….why a fitness area? Denise says it would be different, and different is good. Bobby says different is fine, but unsafe is so non-fine, it’s crazy. And apparently, their little workout land was very unsafe.
To the Artisans:
Candace: Sooo many great elements. Beautiful flowers, really put together and well planned out.
David: sat in the meditation room and thought it was great, but why wasn’t there el log-oh in the fire? Michelle says that it’s like any other public park, and hence it’s a BYOW = Bring your own wood situation.
Soon it’s deliberation time for the judges, and the two teams are whisked away. All three judges agree that team Artisan’s park is sooo much more aesthetically pleasing and functional. Bobby goes so far as to say he would actually hang out at their park, and all agree that it rocks. Alternatively, the Beaver’s park is unsafe, unfunctional, and overall…a stupid piece of work. And soon the peeps arrive back to hear….*drum roll*….Team Artisan wins it! In a landslide! And/or a landscaping slide! *groan*
And it’s topiary time. Did someone on the winning team design the best overall topiary? The answer: yes! They pick Kimberly’s derby hat to be the best while Mitch’s eyes roll back into his head and he rubs his temples in disgust. She tears up and rejoices, while Mitch tells us there’s more talent in his decapitated thumb than there is in Kimberly’s entire body.
For the Crafty Beavers, some more disappointment, as they realize that not only will one of them be going home, but the ousted peeps get to help decide. But first, the judges must pick the two most jacked-up topiaries on that team , which honestly, wouldn’t be hard amongst the lumpy, completely mangled shrubbery. They end up liking Heather’s simple sphere the best, and single out Amy and Darlene for potential elimination. Darlene weeps and tells us she refuses to campaign for herself.
In the kitchen, Tom, Denise, Heather and Mychael all debate on who to send home. Tom says he never thought in a bazillion years that he’d ever spend time agonizing on whether or not sending Darlene home was the right thing to do. Heather prefers Amy over Darlene, and all agree they’d watch an Amy show over a Darlene show. Mychael quickly points out Darlene’s incredible skill level, and is amazed that girlfriend could knock out all that carpentry so fast and so expertly. Denise says she could go either way.
Soon, all the Beavers assemble stoically in the rock garden. Joan gives them both a chance to say why they should stay in the game.
Darlene: she weeps and says it’s been her privilege to work with these talented people, and thanks them for the encouragement and enthusiasm and creativity. She wants them to do what’s best for the game, and insists she’ll have no hard feelings if they don’t think it’s her.
Amy: she’s had the time of her life and doesn’t want it to end. She wants them to consider her abilities and talents and passion for creativity.
Heather: Says she and Amy work better as a team and therefore…Darlene bites it.
Mychael: Amy needs to go.
Denise: When it comes down to it, who does she aspire to be like? The answer: not Darlene.
Tom is the deciding vote annnnd without further ado: he says the person he’s picking to send home is going to rock the real world and could probably own her own network. He ain’t a-scared of how this person will fare on the outside. And so…he selects…Darlene. Both Amy and Darlene cry a little while Darlene hugs all and walks off into the misty night.
Darlene’s final words: she hurts deeply and thinks she’s honestly the most well rounded. She wishes she’d played more Machiavellian in the game, and it breaks her heart that she wasn’t more of a beyatch. According to her, next time the beyatch comes out of the cage.
Next week: No more teams, a move to New York and *gasp* screen tests for everyone! Stay tuned.
In the mood for mocholate. firstname.lastname@example.org