January 6, 2005 -- It's enough to make Martha Stewart roll over in her cell. I'm talking about CBS's new "reality" show, "Wickedly Perfect," yet another outing where yet another group of relentlessly self-promoting no-talents share a house and vote each other out.
This time it's wannabes vying to be the next Martha Stewart, even though her name is never mentioned. And it shouldn't be - well not in this group. They have about as much chance of replacing her as I have of turning tall and thin in the next week.
For one thing, no matter what you think of Martha, you can't dispute the fact that the woman's brilliantly creative, and for another, she's charismatic - two qualities mostly lacking in this bunch of self-appointed geniuses who are nonetheless referred to as "perfect." Perfect bores is more like it.
They're all here: the strident bitch, the queeny stereotype, the weeper, and the other professional reality show sociopaths we've come to know and loathe.
At any rate, this group is broken up into two teams - what a shock. They are given challenges each week - what a shock. Celebrity judges then judge the creations they've made - what a shock. The losing team has to eliminate someone each week - what a shock.
The real shock is that the judges, author Candace Bushnell, chef Bobby Flay, and style expert David Evangelista didn't break an ankle rushing to get in front of the cameras first - I mean it's not exactly a camera-shy group. Stay home once in a while - it will do us good.
Anyway, in tonight's challenge, contestants must pick apples and make something creative out of them. Right. Upon seeing the results, Bushnell gushes, "The apple mat and display made a huge, huge statement."
What statement would that be exactly? That 3,246 apples a day made into an awning keep the doctor away?
I don't know who ended up getting booted because the network sent out the thing minus the ending for fear that critics will give away this tremendous secret.
"Wickedly Perfect" is mildly interesting, but it could make a huge, huge statement if the contestants made things we'd want to make at home. I mean, when was the last time you wanted to make an awning out of thousands of pieces of fruit?
CBS, Martha's home in her former incarnation (or is that incarceration) is sadly mistaken if they believe they can replace her with this bunch of sour apples.