While the stalwart MrDobolina is off saving the world in a secret, undisclosed locale (I’ve all ready told you too much), I am stepping in as his trusty sidekick to take all you true believers through this week’s episode of WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO. Like all superhero sidekicks, I am smaller, wimpier, and have a much sillier costume. Why am I doing this job again? Oh yeah, the big boss sometimes lets me hold his cape. Oh and I get health benefits. It’s quite a good plan, actually! Trust me, you need it in this business.
This week’s show starts with our Hero Hopefuls running amok in the streets of Los Angeles. In spandex, no less! I’ve seen a lot crazy things in the streets of LA and this really takes the—no, actually crazy people in spandex are quite normal there, especially in Venice. But anyhero, back to the show. Major Victory runs with his distinctive aplomb run across the street and accosts a rather confused looking fellow on a corner to inform him that the bag he’s wearing does not match his outfit. What is this, “Superhero Eye for the Bemused Guy”?
Creature, ever the environmentalist, spots an empty Styrofoam cup on the ground. POW! She runs behind a man and apprehends him by grabbing his shoulders. BAM! She say she believes in “making the world a healthier place” and therefore tells this guy to pick up his trash. BOOM! After saving the planet, she then crosses against a red, which in our part of the world counts as jaywalking. BOO!
Speaking of jaywalking, Feedback spots two girls doing that very thing, and he runs up to tell them that they are breaking the law, but if they need help crossing the street, he would be happy to escort them. They run away, as they should, from the crazy man in tights. He then helps protect the innocence of some wee ones, by telling children to move along and not look in the display windows of a lingerie shop. Thanks, Feedback, for defending the youth of America from the morass of moral turpitude that is…hosiery?
Fat Momma says that she wants to win this competition by being the same way she is in real life, genuine and truthful. She knows she doesn’t look like “the typical superhero” but she accepts herself the way she is and thinks Stan will also. Fat Momma is not afraid to stand up to abuses of power by authority figures. She tells a parking enforcement officer off for letting his car sit in a clearly parked loading zone. Oh yeah, take that, authority gone astray!
Lemuria wants everyone to know she is here to win, and is not fake, and not phony, and not redundant, and doesn’t say the same thing over and over with different words. I don’t blame you if you didn’t catch all she was saying, because it’s so hard to hear what she’s talking about over the loud, deafening din of her GIGANTIC BREASTS. She attempts to yell at a passing driver to remember to put his turn signal on. I don’t think he heard her, but it’s just as well. With the Road Rage in Los Angeles, she’s liable to get a spray of bullets. Hope that Super Strapless Bra Stan gave her is bulletproof!
Major Victory, meanwhile, is helping some older ladies cross the street. He gallantly takes his cape off and lays it over a puddle while two little old ladies walk over it. One accidentally slips a little. Major Victory, whom everyone knows is an ex-stripper, talks about he decided to turn his life around and wants to make his daughter proud. You mean a little girl wouldn’t be proud of her Daddy doing pelvic thrusts on top of a small cocktail table to Duran Duran’s “Wild Boys” while wearing a loincloth littered with single dollar bills? I know mine would! A vestige of his dancer past reveals itself when Major Victory moonwalks across the boulevard. There’s a double entendre in there somewhere, I’m just to lazy to find it.
Behind the Cape: Superhero Secrets Revealed
After a hard day saving the world from itself, our novice heroes return to the lair, where Stan Lee meets them via monitor with an interesting development. Who else shows up on another monitor to teleconference with them but THE
IRONDARK ENFORCER [cue ominous music]. If I might interject my opinion here, I’d like to say that I like this guy a heck of a lot more as a bad guy than a good guy. And even he seems to be having a heck of a lot more fun as a baddie, his acting hammier than a Monte Cristo sandwich.
The Dark Enforcer has been doing a little background research on our heroes-in-training, to see if he can dig up any info that might help aid Stan make his decision when it comes to hero-worthiness. Seems a few family and friends with loose lips are about to sink someone’s ship today. Creature looks particularly nervous. “They’ve been lying to you through their teeth…You wanna see their loved ones throw them under the bus?” Dark Enforcer says with relish. Hmm, relish on a Monte Cristo; never tried that before. Sorry! I really should eat before I write these recaps.
The revelations begin with Creature’s [snarky air quotes]good friend[/snarkyairquotes], Regina, who dramatically says, in a pre-recorded segment, “I have a little, dirty secret.” She’s a man, Baby! No? Oops, sorry, I’ll wait for it…Regina says that “my girl has not always been so environmentally friendly.” GASP! Apparently they were once in a hotel room together (the guys in the room lean forward with more interest at this detail), and Creature thought is would be fun to take some products from the hotel room and chuck them out the window into the fountain at the front of the hotel (the guys lean back, slightly disappointed). Turns out Creature was once a litterbug. Stan points out the hypocrisy of Creature’s environmental crusading after hearing that she likes to chuck rubbish out of windows for kicks. Wasn’t it St. Augustine who found that senseless crimes were the most unforgiveable? Creature blathers a bunch of nonsense in her defense, but Stan doesn’t look convinced. Creature rather pissily confesses, “I love my friend Regina, but she may have just cost me the grand prize.” CAT FIGHT! (Guys lean in closer again…)
Feedback’s wife has a secret of her own to share. She’s a man, Baby! No? Wow, I am so off today. She says that while Feedback seems like a “perfectly organized man” who arranges his luggage into separate zip lock bags (I’m from a family of people with OCD, this doesn’t shock me) when he’s away, at home he is “messy, inconsiderate, and a slob.” For proof, the camera pans out to reveal his office; or, rather, the piles of paper, notebooks, tape and other various objects strewn about that is obscuring the view of his office. GAH! She says his real superhero name should be “Captain Clutter.” He laughs, but fires back saying that she said he could have one room in the house to mess up. Stan says, “Your wife is much kinder than I am.” Mr. Lee’s feeling is that kids look up to superheroes, and being inconsiderate and a slob is not the best message to send. Feedback, repentant, promises to clean up his act.
The next person we meet is, as she calls herself, “Fat Momma’s Momma.” Laverne, her real name, says that Fat Momma is not as proud and accepting of her own body as she leads people to believe. After college, getting married, and having her first child, she gained weight (who wouldn’t?), and she and her sister looked for different ways to lose it. Stan says her “message from day one has been that you’re proud of your body, and people should accept themselves for the way that they are…Now I hear the opposite, you’re constantly going on diets.” Fat Momma says she doesn’t want people to think they don’t have to care about their weight, but if they don’t like it, do something about it, but she’s learned to live with what God gave her. Stan says, “That doughnut was a little hard to swallow,” while Dark Enforcers starts eating something crunchy as if to punctuate the point. Hey, no fair to have snacks and not share!
Now we meet Austin, a hunky himbo who not surprisingly informs us that he is Major Victory’s ex-coworker in the “clothing removal business.” In ye olde stripper dayes, Major Victory shook his money maker to the delight of many ladies, and also earned the nickname “Thong Man.” Dark Enforcer does a mocking dance and then waves a dollar bill in the air. Stan can’t even keep a straight face through this testimonial. Major Victory says, “I don’t even know who Thong Man is,” as he lifts his cape up to reveal his derriere in patent leather hot pants, “This bad boy goes all the way across.” He then claims the moniker comes from his preference for flip flop footwear.
Stan then turns his attention to Lemuria, noting how nervous she looks. She just squeaks, “I’ve got some very nice friends, let’s see how it goes.” Lemuria’s friend Brandy asserts that she “uses her sex appeal to weaken mere mortal men” and is “infamous for strutting her stuff and dancing on table tops” before asking if one can be “too sexy to be a superhero.” If it’s crime to cram 20 pounds of cleavage into one small strip of gold lamé, then yes, Lemuria is guilty as charged. Stan questions if this is typical superhero behavior. Lemuria admits to table top dancing—hey, at least Major Victory got paid, I’m just sayin’. She then says she’s going to kill her friend when she gets home, “and after what she said it might be sooner rather than later.”
Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish
After gathering his thoughts, Stan Lee conducts another sudden elimination. He calls Creature, Major Victory, and Fat Momma to the fore, as Feedback and Lemuria bring out the trash can. Stan finds the recurring theme of stripping troubling in Dark Enforcer’s report and Major Victory’s street antics (when he took his cape off for the little old ladies); he doesn’t think Spiderman would ever give up his mask, or Superman his cape. Hey, I’d like to call Stan Lee out on his own hypocrisy—he makes this stripping criticism of Major Victory as he sits in front of a framed picture of his co-creation with Pammy Anderson, Stripperella. Don’t believe me? Google it, good citizens.
Next, Stan wonders aloud if Fat Momma is perhaps not as satisfied with her weight as she’s led everyone to believe. Then he scolds Creature for going “on and on about recycling and the environment” when her best friend reports that she is a “litterbug.” Even worse, Stan points out that she broke the law that morning, when she flagrantly crossed against a red light. He says that one must always act in a superhero-like fashion, even when helping others.
Time for Stan to get rid of another contestant. For flauting the law, and littering the streets, er, fountains, Creature gets tossed out with the trash. Figuratively. But literally, she must first take off her superhero costume and do the ceremonial discarding into the garbage can. “Live hard and love harder; be brave,” Creature says before leaving, half naked (there wasn’t much to the costume, folks). And with that, the garbage can o’ death flares up with livid light (okay, these FX were probably added in post).
Crime and Punishment
The final four get a good night’s rest; in the morning, they all stand around the kitchen counter for breakfast. Don’t they have any stools they can sit on? What kind of budget have you got there? Oh I forgot, this is basic cable. Stan briefs them over their cereal: they are going to meet hardened criminals, who are still in incarceration. Our heroes will sit with these convicts in hopes of convincing them of the error of their ways. Stan emphasizes that they are “dangerous, convicted felons.” Lemuria finds the prospect “really terrifying”. Yeah, she’s probably way too pretty to throw into a mix of hardened criminals serving time. Heck, Major Victory is too!
The would-be heroes are then brought to a fenced-in corrections facility where ugly, angry people in bright orange suits are picking up trash. I hate to question Mr. Lee again, but is this real? Do prisons really have a coed inmate trash collection program? I bet all these so-called hardened criminals have SAG cards and representation at CAA. This is Hollywood, after all.
The scary people stare down our spandex-clad contestants, who aren’t looking so heroic or super at the moment. Stan comes on the communicator with more instructions. They will be playing a “Secret Test Game” that involves covert completion of the following tasks: 1) one person must hug an inmate 3 times, 2) another must brush hair out of an inmates eyes 3 times, 3) one must rub the shoulders of an inmate 3 times, 4) and the last must sit in an inmates lap for 10 seconds. Is this the “Secret Test Game” or an excerpt from “Stan Lee’s Flirting for Dummies”?
Stan adds, if at any time their inmate finds out that they are doing this for a contest, they will automatically be on the chopping block come elimination. Now Stan left it up to the heroes to divvy up the tasks. Lemuria, perhaps prepared to use her pretty persuasion, is the first to volunteer for lap
dancingsitting. Fat Momma agrees to do the hair brushing; Major Victory the shoulder rubbing; and Feedback, the hugging. “I have to rub an inmate’s shoulders three times; that doesn’t sound good. Even saying it doesn’t sound good,” Major Victory frets. Hang onto your chonies, then, Thong Boy. Let the public displays of affection begin!
The guard reads off a lengthy waiver they must sign, which says they assume all risk for things like bodily harm, a hostage situation, or, you know, death. An inmate glares at them murderously. Oh sure, yeah, pass me the Mont Blanc, I’ve always wanted to be someone’s cell block bitch. Major Victory asks if the inmates know that this is not a conjugal visit. He might have been being facetious, but the guard laughs menacingly and says the way he’s dresses, there’s no guarantee.
Lemuria volunteers to go first. The guard brings out a big, burly broad in chains and hand/leg cuffs; a ruddy, angry woman who is like a cross between Nurse Ratchet and the bitchy coach lady in Porky’s. Lemuria looks like she’s going to cry, and that’s before the session even starts. There is a long, slow-mo shot of Lemuria walking over in her gold lamé pantsuit. Holy Camel Toe, Batman! Will Prisoner Ballbricker like the goods? I guess Lemuria’s not her type, because the prisoner is super mean the whole time, insulting Lemuria’s costume, swearing, and being generally inflammatory for the duration of their meeting. Time is running out, and unable to complete her task, Lemuria, in a fit of desperation, tries to physically force herself into the lap of the inmate, who reacts with violent rage, screaming, “Don’t ****ing touch me!” Fanboys everywhere wish a machine were created that would allow them to switch places with that inmate. Lemuria looks crushed. The guard ends the visit right there.
Fat Momma is “scared as hell” of the sight of the angry inmate, who got good and riled up by Lemuria’s physical lap-sitting assault. Fat Momma tries to bond with the female inmate by sharing her super powers: “When I get really angry I can grow five times my size and stomp the **** out of people.” Inmate lady scoffs, “Are you kidding me with this crap?” Fat Momma sees hair dangling in her face and seizes the opportunity. She gets in brush #1! Inmate doesn’t like being touched, but Momma wants to keep the momentum, so she offers to braid her hair. “Yeah, that’d be hot,” the inmate cracks, but Momma sneaks in another hair brush. The guard gets suspicious at the disturbance and starts walking over; Fat Momma quickly gets in one more brush, and completes her secret task.
A giganimous Jabba the Hut-lookin’ mean man is brought out for the guys. Nice. Major Victory does his famous run across the street. The guard greets him but after the ruckus with Lemuria and Fat Momma, warns him not to put his hands on the inmate. Major Victory wrestles with how to massage a convicted criminal. Major Victory says he has “magical hands” that will help him to relax. Oh I’ve heard this line in bars before. It didn’t work then either. The inmate is a little too mush-mouthed for me to understand, but he’s not into the massage idea. Major Victory tries to appeal to the guy by earnestly admitting that he hasn’t always done right, and helping him is helping himself; he then walks around Big Inmate to pick up the chair he knocked over, and Big Inmate yells, “Don’t stand behind me!” before Major Victory puts his hand on his shoulder to calm him down. Okay, understandably the guy in prison doesn’t like the strange man in Spandex offering him massages to stand behind him. Major Victory then says because the inmate thinks it’s ridiculous to talk to someone in a cape, he’s going to take it off. There he goes, stripping again! Somehow before the guard intervenes again, Major Victory completes his secret task by doing two quick shoulder rubs under the guise of getting Mr. Scary to sit down.
Finally, Feedback. His strategy is to simply talk to the guy, and if there’s a “genuine moment” then they’ll hug. Oh yeah, and then hold hands, skip through the candy forest, and sing songs about rainbows. Good luck to ya. Feedback starts the meeting by gently asking the officer to take the inmate’s handcuffs off, promising that he won’t go anywhere. Clever! Earn trust, and get inmate’s big arms free for some cuddlekins, all in one fell swoop! Feedback earnestly tries to get to know his inmate, asking how he got there (serving life for four counts of murder). Feedback gets the inmate to reveal that his father was killed, then Feedback responds by admitting his own father killed himself. There is a long pause, before the inmate looks upset and says he wants the meeting to end. But Feedback gets in a heartfelt speech that although he can’t know what Mr. Life Sentence is feeling, he does know what it’s like to lose a father. Feedback then says he could “use a hug” and hugging would prove there was trust between them. Amazingly, the big guy greets Feedback with open arms. Feedback tells him he’s sorry about his dad, then swoops in with hug 2. Feedback promises to remain in touch, and booyakasha, hug 3 is complete. Feedback believes he was “true to [his] morals” in turning an “emotional connection into a physical one.” Again, all these techniques can be translated to the world of dating.
The final four gather on the rooftop for yet another elimination. Big billboard Stan (isn’t that cool?) flashes up yet again. Stan confesses to liking each and everyone of the people who are left—and he means that both as characters and as real people. That makes this elimination particularly tough.
Lemuria did not complete her task today. Major Victory, though Stan commends him for “really working hard to make a connection” with his inmate, again stripped [wait for it] off his cape. Stan says he’s very impressed with MV, but “you just can’t seem to keep your clothes on” (again with Stripperella in the background, oh the hypocrisy). For these reasons, Lemuria and Major Victory are called to the red boxes of death.
Stan says, “I hate this moment more than you will ever know. I don’t want to eliminate either of you.” Why not keep them? All the finalists are fantastic in the final four. The could be a group called “The Fantastic Four.” That’s never been done right? Why are you all looking at me like that? No, I wasn’t dropped on my head as a baby, why do you ask?
Sadly, someone must go home. For not completing her task, fan fave Lemuria (whose name Stan pronounces about 5 different ways in the course of one speech alone) is the one who must turn in her lamé. It’s an emotional goodbye as Lemuria peels off her costume (the guys rush over to hug her a little more quickly) and walks out the lair, thighmaster in hand. She brought a thighmaster to the lair?
I Can’t Stand to Fly; Or, Even Superheroes Cry
But the tears have only started. Stan has nothing but the highest regard for the Heroic Trio remaining. He compliments them on their “passion, integrity, intelligence, and courage.” He feels close to all three of them, saying, “You’re almost like family to me now, and I can’t put into words how proud I am of you.” Then there are more waterworks than an episode of “Tyra”—and that’s just Feedback! Major Victory and Fat Momma also well up with tears, and express their gratitude for being there and earning Stan’s approval (MV also promises that, except for the bathroom, he’ll keep his clothes on at all times).
But it’s Feedback that’s the most choked up, giving an emotional speech with tears streaming down his cheeks about how he never had a father, and Stan’s praise makes him think of his father—“He wasn’t there for me, but you were; and I know it sounds corny, but Spiderman helped me become an adult, and that’s what I try to live up to everyday.” Stan Lee humbly says he’s not sure if he’s worthy of such words but “Thank you, son.” Being called “son” but Stan @#$! Lee? Feedback is the envy of comic fanboys everywhere.
Stan tells everyone to get some sleep, because tomorrow is a new day. We get ever closer to the final decision. Who will be Stan’s newest superhero? Tune in next week to find out, or fly back to FORT for more from everyone’s favorite super-recapper, MrDobolina. Excelsior!
Another good thing about being a sidekick? You always get to ride shotgun! For more information on becoming a superhero sidekick, get on your communicator to snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com for a special message you can only read with your decoder ring!