Excelsior! It’s Superhero time again, and gee whiz if I’m not excited to recap it for you! Say what you want about Star Wars Nerds or Star Trek Geeks who like to go to Sci-Fi Cons and dress up as their favorite characters from their chosen universe, but don’t be dissin’ on these folks who have come up with a Superhero idea, complete with costume and backstory, and are willing to dress up and work to flesh out said Superhero…and even further, to put themselves through trials and tribulations to themselves be more hero-like. I admire all of these folks. *Sniff* They’re like, heroes.
I’d go through a rundown of last week’s premiere episode for you, but if you tuned in this week without A.) catching one of the gazillion reruns over the past week on Sci-Fi Channel and Bravo, or B.) reading my recap of last week’s episode (yeah, I shamelessly self-promote…so what? Read the recap here ), there’s just no helping you. Why the hell did you miss this show in the first place, huh?
My Date With Super Folks (Or 20 Questions For Our Heroes)
The morning after the 2nd elimination, Stan Lee greets his wanna-be superheroes as they are making their way to the super-breakfast nook. Lemuria is a little frightened since Stan can choose to eliminate anyone at any time, and maybe she talked in her sleep and said something bad about the fact that it’s beyond belief that a radioactive spider bite could actually transform a teenager into a person with the proportionate strength of a spider who can climb walls. Luckily for her, Stan merely has an assignment for his super crew. Perhaps some of the up and coming heroes don’t think some of the others don’t have what it takes to be a real superhero. With that possibility out there, everyone now has the chance to anonymously ask questions of their fellow heroes, and Stan will read them aloud and give the hero queried a chance to respond. The Iron Enforcer is psyched! He has a ton of questions for his fellow “pin heads”. Yep, that’s what he thinks of all of his co-heroes. Funny thing…the only pin head I have seen so far is *gasp* The Iron Enforcer!
Once all of the questions have been pneumatically tubed off to Stan, he starts in with the grilling. First up, a question for Creature. When was the last time she washed her hair? It’s scary! Creature responds by telling everyone that her hair stores her powers, so for her to wash it means she would be powerless. The next question is for Fat Momma…and I think it came from Creature, since she is such a raw foods/body image nazi. “Do you honestly think a fat superhero is a good role model for kids? Ouch! Fat Momma certainly thinks she is a great role model, otherwise she wouldn’t even be here. Here’s a question for The Iron Enforcer…Would it hurt you to use a little deodorant? Ha! The pin head gets poked. His response? To break wind toward Lemuria and wave his hand to try and disperse the stink even more. Brilliant! The next question is for Major Victory, and asks if he thinks it’s alright for a superhero to be a male stripper? He responds that he is no longer a stripper, and he learned a lot from the experience. The others have issues with what he could have learned as a stripper, but MV’s point is that he learned from his mistakes, and he can point that out to kids. Final question is for The Iron Enforcer. Someone thinks that he might be on steroids, and is that legal? He’s a little pissed off by that question. He responds that if steroids are used to do good, then it’s ok. So…that’s not a denial, right? You are on steroids? Hmmm…explains a lot. The Iron Enforcer thinks he looks better than anyone in the house, how dare they single him out when everyone else has all the issues. Watch out! ‘roid rage a comin’!
The Dogs Of War
After the question and answer session, Stan Lee again interrupts the heroes as they eat their breakfast. He has another challenge for them, so they better eat up and save their energy. Stan wants them to take the Hummerbird over to a little old lady’s house and help her get back inside since she has locked herself out. All the aspiring heroes have to do is go over the fence through the back yard, open the back door, and let the little old lady in through the front. Seems simple enough, right? The heroes all head to the back alley to scout out their mission, look over the fence, and are instantly attacked by ferocious, snarling, likely rabid guard dogs! Ok, I just made the rabid part up.
An ambulance shows up, and of course Stan Lee has one of his roving TV monitors back there. I gotta get me some of those…and some henchmen to haul them around for me. He gives them the parameters of the challenge (climb the fence, and simply touch the back door), and also has the ambulance crew provide bite-proof guard dog training outfits for each hero. Remember…none of these people actually have super powers…they’re just playing hero on TV. Major Victory is only a little frightened, and tells everyone that he has a new name…Major Dogfood! Priceless.
Tyveculus decides to go first, since he figures he can wear the dogs down and help everyone else that goes after him. He jumps over the fence and charges at the dogs like a defensive end going for the quarterback. The dogs jump on him and bite down on his suit, hanging onto him with all they’ve got. But Ty simply carries the two dogs to the back door, touching it in a mere 16 seconds. He has obviously never had dogs, because any dog owner knows that it’s nearly impossible to wear dogs down in only 16 seconds. Creature goes next. She’s laughing nervously as she hops the fence, and charges the dogs. They take her down faster than The Flash running the 100 meter dash, and after 12 seconds of being dragged around on the ground she gives up, yelling “Uncle,” and the dogs leave her be. The next victim is The Iron Enforcer, who thinks he is all high and mighty and will have no problem with the dogs. Hey, just get a little ‘roid rage going, and you’ll be fine. He hops the fence and just waits for the dogs to come to him, thereby increasing the distance he would have to drag the dogs with him to the door. He fights and struggles and eventually drags the dogs up onto the porch, but the dogs drag him down there, and he gives up with only a few feet left to get to the door. No one can believe that he gave up when he was so close to his goal. Loser. Chew toy number four is Feedback, who is determined to not let Stan Lee down again. He leaps the fence and prepares to sumo wrestle the dogs. They latch onto Feedback, but he insists they won’t take him down. They do, but he fights back to his feet, and finally makes it to the door. Next up, Fat Momma. If any of the women know how to throw their weight around, it is her. She gets into the backyard and tosses a donut at the dogs hoping to distract them. The dogs make quick work of her anyway, getting her to yell “Uncle!” after only 18 seconds. Major Victory is ready to face the dogs. He gets to the fence and salutes the ferocious dogs. He tells everyone that dogs love him…he’s easily digestible. Really…Major Victory? Favorite. Hero. Ever! He jumps into the yard and the dogs latch onto his suit viciously. It’s no problem for the Major…he carries the dogs along, riffing the whole time. Once he makes it to the door, he takes off his helmet and asks “How’s my hair?” Lemuria heads into the yard next, but she is taken down quickly and shaken like a rag doll in the jaws of, well, a psychotic, ferocious dog. She is shaken so hard that her helmet starts to fall off, at which point she declares “Uncle.” Next up is Cell Phone Girl, who is scared of dogs since she was once bitten by a dog. She gets into the yard, and yells “Uncle!” the second the dogs breathe on her. Her excuse? She’s got a headache. The final fresh meat for the dogs is Monkey Woman, who declares that the dogs are going to have to kill her in order to prevent her from making it to the door. She struggles and struggles, going over 9 minutes in her dog wrestling bout. She sure has the tenacity that Stan the man is looking for, I’ll give her that. Finally, Monkey Woman makes it to the back door, worn out and disheveled, but still the only woman to make it that far.
After the dog challenge, Stan reminds the heroes that an elimination can happen at any time, and that time is now. The heroes gather in the foyer of their lair, and Stan explains to them that the challenge was all about courage. He congratulates Monkey Woman on her great and tenacious performance. On the other hand, three other heroes reacted completely opposite. Cell Phone Girl said she had a headache and gave up after only 4 seconds. She steps forward. The Iron Enforcer also gave up when he was only a short distance from the door, and he’s the biggest and supposedly strongest guy there. He is asked to step forward. Finally, Creature is singled out for her laughter during the challenge. She doesn’t seem to be taking anything seriously, and she is asked to step forward. After hearing from each of the three nominees, Stan Lee decides to send Cell Phone Girl back to her charging dock. She takes off her cape and gloves, and places them along with her communicator into the trash, where they are vaporized.
Stan Eye For The Hero Guy
After the third elimination, Stan gathers the heroes again in the foyer with something fun for them for once. It’s a hero costume makeover! Of course everyone is excited to get new costumes. Stan asks Lemuria to step into the next room for her new costume. According to Stan, Lemuria’s costume is way to disco for the new millennium. Stan’s helpers take some measurements, put a blindfold on her, and lead her into the changing room to give her a new look. Presto, change-o, she comes out, removes her blindfold, and looks in the mirror to see a whole new hero. Not only is her new costume tight and form fitting, it actually has some straps to help her keep her boobs from falling out. She looks great! Next into the costume insta-change machine is Tyveculus…who I think already has a pretty sweet costume. He comes out, and really, he looks like he’s wearing a bad male stripper outfit. Stan changed his helmet to more of a Greek rooster looking thing with about a 1 foot tall feather Mohawk on top of it. Stan isn’t so sure if the look is right, but when he asks Ty if he likes it, Ty declares that “Today, I am a superhero”. He walks back into the other room, and everyone starts laughing at him and Major Victory even does the chicken dance (why? WHY? For some reason, I can’t get away from the chicken dance!). Ty starts to rethink his liking of the new costume, but the last straw is when Feedback tells him “Ty, today you are Stan Lee’s biggest fan”, referring to the feather monstrosity on his head. He heads back into Stan’s lair to discuss the situation, but he is really worried that Stan will be angered by Ty’s change of mind. Ty tells him that he’s getting laughed at, and Stan agrees that a hero shouldn’t be laughed at. He tells Ty to go and put on his old, cool costume on.
The rest of the heroes are shown getting their costume makeovers quickly. Major Victory looks mostly the same, but now with a cape. Fat Momma looks amazing with her new costume and hairdo. Now she’s “Hot Momma”. Feedback gets his look updated, and throws some kicks and karate poses much to Stan Lee’s amusement. Creature looks completely different…and much better with clean hair and some makeup. Monkey Woman looks basically the same, but still, new duds, man. She let’s out her signature monkey screech. Finally, The Iron Enforcer…he looks, well, exactly the same, save some new sunglasses. Stan isn’t quite sure…something is just not right. He wants to think about what it is, and he’ll get right back to Iron.
Stan gathers his newly costumed heroes in the foyer again, and lets them know that they are being judged at all times. What does that mean, exactly? Well, it’s time for another elimination. Up on the roof he informs the heroes that he was watching their reactions as they got their new costumes, and it was quite telling. Ty is seriously starting to poop his old costume’s pants right now, since he rejected Stan’s new look for him. As well he should be…Stan calls Tyveculus up first. Next, The Iron Enforcer is called up, and finally, Feedback joins them. Stan is taken aback at Ty’s change of heart regarding his costume, since Ty told him he truly liked it. Honesty is a hero virtue. Feedback is on the block simply because he made fun of Ty’s new costume. But wait a minute, Stan…isn’t one of Spider-man’s endearing qualities the fact that he pokes humor and makes fun of people? Finally, Iron Enforcer has been on the chopping block in every single elimination. He quit the dog challenge, he didn’t stop for the little girl, and no one in the lair seems to like him. Plus, that gun just bugs Stan, since heroes don’t kill. The person leaving the lair tonight is The Iron Enforcer. He drops his huge gun, his sunglasses, and his armband into the garbage can, where it is instantly incinerated.
But wait! While The Iron Enforcer walks away down the alley—talking smack about Fat Momma and the other heroes while he’s at it—Stan Lee’s voice chirps out from another roving TV monitor. Stan tells Iron that he has finally figured out what wasn’t right about his costume makeover. The Iron Enforcer makes a lousy superhero…but he would make a GREAT supervillain!! Stan wants Iron to become this hero league’s arch enemy, and asks him if he can give him the makeover he wanted to give him hours ago. Iron is into it, and Stan’s henchwomen drive up in a van to get the makeover done immediately. He jumps in the van, it shakes, rocks, and flashes lightning, and a completely new villain jumps out…The Dark Enforcer! His costume is mostly black, with a silver X across his chest, and a silver helmet completely covering his face. The heroes are going to have their hands full with their new arch-enemy!
My arch-nemesis? Commercials. firstname.lastname@example.org