Unan1mous 5/3 Recap – The Blurry Blob Guy’s Getting’ Paid!
Ok, show of hands, everybody…after Jonathan messed up the “Steve vote”, who here thought anyone would win the money? Anyone? Bueller? No, this prize is going to zero, and FOX is realizing that they have probably found the goose that lays golden eggs. Not only is this show drawing ratings for some unknown reason (probably because it has such a strong lead in with “American Idol” in front of it), but now they aren’t even going to have to pay out a prize to the winner. Well, at least for this week, the blurry blob guy is getting paid.
Last week on Unan1mous…wait, what the hell did happen on last weeks show? Oh right…nothing. Nothing happened. It was like an episode of “Seinfeld”. Ok, not so much, but really, Jonathan revealing he already has money, and Jameson trying to work everyone to vote for him is really not much. This week, I’m sorry to say, not much really happens either. Other than some grade school name calling utilizing a lot of very adult words and a cavernous split between the bunker-heads, there is no real progression of the game. Zero dollars and an exit from the bunker to get away from all of these freaks is probably going to be the prize.
This Beat Goes On
The vote is on…again. Supposedly, everyone had decided to vote for Jameson, and all Jameson had to do was convince the 2 other eligible bunkermates to vote for him. He talked with Jonathan and Richard separately and had done just that…convinced them to vote for him. So, this vote’s going to be unanimous, right? Wrong. Jameson gets 3 votes, and the other votes go 3 to Jonathan and 1 to Richard. Sweet. Jonathan reveals that he is simply continuing to play the game…the game of “If I can’t win, no one can.” So, no unanimous vote means there are consequences. This time, however, it’s not about casting a choice out…it’s about returning one of the outcasts into eligibility. Adam couldn’t be happier. Somehow he thinks he has played his cards right, and now he is going to get to ante up again in search of the prize. It’s all a bunch of card related talk with him. Is he a card? Not so much.
How Tarah Brought Down The Bunker
J.D. instructs the entire table how the returning outcast will be chosen. The eligible players will go into the isolation booth, and the four outcasts will debate for 15 minutes and whoever the majority of outcasts picks to return will return to the game. Once the eligibles are isolated, the fur starts flying. Adam immediately mentions that he told everyone that he would be voting for Jon at this vote, but Steve doesn’t remember it that way. Steve is upset that even though Adam is an outcast, he is still making alliances and going behind peoples’ backs. Adam wants back into the game bad. So bad, that he threatens to just let the money dwindle to zero. The other three want to have nobody go back into eligibility because they are smarter than the producers, and they know that if there is another choice on the ballot, it lessens the chance that the money will be won anyway. Seriously, who thought up this twist? Probably Stan down in accounting, since it will end up saving the network $1.5 million. Eventually J.D. returns to hear who they have chosen to return. When they tell him their plan to have no one return, J.D.’s not having it. They must choose someone to return, and if they won’t vote, J.D. is going to give one person the responsibility of picking. Since Tarah is the group leader this week, she is tapped to pick the returnee. She can pick any one of the outcasts, including herself. She has five minutes to decide, and the second J.D. is off of his screen, Adam and Steve start going at it to try and get themselves voted back in. Well, really, Steve was just lobbying that Adam not return. He really thinks Adam is too much of a manipulator. And who better to point that out than the guy that Adam has manipulated the most in this “game”? Since Steve won’t relent about Adam not returning, Adam decides it’s time for the fuzzy blob guy and the “bleep” guy to get some work. And he sets the tone for the rest of the episode. Finally, J.D. returns for Tarah’s decision. She votes with her heart, and not because Adam bullied her, and chooses to return herself to eligibility.
Back To 4th Grade
No one is happy in the bunker. Everyone realizes that this prize is going to zero. Some of them…okay, Adam, Richard, and Jonathan, want the prize to go to zero. Like I mentioned before, if they can’t win the prize, no one will. These are the guys that, when they can’t win the race in a video race car game, will turn their car around and go against the direction of travel to try and crash into the leading players. You know the type…little boys…aged 12…like to talk about boobies. The three brats head back to their “fort”--one of the bedrooms--and begin to pout about who has played the better game, them or Jameson. Jonathan thinks that he’s played the game the best, since he is the one that didn’t vote in the “unanimous” vote for Steve. He tells Adam about his one (and only!) “brilliant” move in the game, and Adam tells him that there is no way he should ever reveal that to everyone else, as a war will commence. At the same time, the other 4 players are out in the living room discussing how it is possible that Jon got three votes. Jameson fesses up to having voted for Jonathan, since their deal—sworn by each on their mother—was to vote for each other. Steve states the obvious—that Jonathan swearing on his mother obviously means nothing, since he went against a clear “mother-swear” (that’s similar to a pinky swear, only I would think more binding). Jonathan overhears Steve’s statement, and has to rush to defend his mother, huffing to the others that they don’t know his mother, and they shouldn’t bring her into this, ever. Funny thing, Jon…it was YOU that brought your mother into this. This guy is a dink. We call them “Joey Neckchains”…just like the guys you used to see on “Dance Party USA”. Anyway, Jonathan comes out to defend his vote, and to reveal what a huge game player he is by telling everyone that he’s the one that didn’t vote for Steve. And then he storms back to his “fort” to strut in front of his two buddies. Adam tells him how glad he is that he has revealed the deception. Am I the only one that heard Adam say Jon should never reveal that fact not 5 minutes ago??
Some Name Calling, A Lot Of Swearing, And Someone Cries
Soon enough, it’s lunch time…or dinner time or maybe it was breakfast, and the producers were just messing with them by serving cheeseburgers. Anyway, it was one of those meals, and the divided bunker displayed itself in all of its splendor. The boy brats at their dinner at the living room table, drinking their beers and laughing as if they hadn’t a care in the world. Meanwhile, the rest of the crew ate like civilized adults at the kitchen table. But both sides were gossiping about the others. This episode has taken us from grade school to high school all in a half hour! Richard, Jonathan, and Adam were all so proud of themselves saying they’re happy to see no one get the money, especially one of the other four. The other group just talked about how the boys were all the types that have nothing to do in life, except play games. Jameson walks over to try a little détente with the boys, and Steve soon joins him. When Jon reveals that he has no problem with staying in the bunker for a month, Steve starts right in on him saying, basically, that he’s a loser and is happy to be getting 3 square meals a day, all the alcohol he wants, and really nothing to do with himself all day. Adam doesn’t like the implications of that, and starts a yelling match with Steve about how he has never insulted him, so why is he being an insulter? They curse at each other back and forth (I must have counted at least 20 bleeps and blurred mouths) until Steve is herded out of the room by Jameson.
Steve is very upset. He is crying like a baby. He feels like he has been shamed on national TV, and his family is going to think less of him because of the things that have happened during this game. Normally, he would have slapped someone like Adam down…supposedly. But to be cursed out like Adam did, and take it like a girl…man, the big guy is crushed. Jameson tries to cheer him up and tell him he did the right thing by walking away, but still, Steve’s really bumming. Jameson can’t really believe that the bunker has turned into this…a cesspool of lying, name calling, and backstabbing. But it has. Much to the joy of the producers and their financiers. As we cut away from the bunker, everyone tells us they believe the prize will dwindle to zero.
Well, even though Ryan Secrest told us that this was the final episode of Unan1mous before American Idol was over, it’s not. Still one more week, crap fans! I’ll see you here for the finale next week. Thank God it’ll finally be over.