Unan1mous-A Recap In Two Acts: Masterpiece of Boredom
Welcome back to Unan1mous! For some reason, I’m doubting that anyone really missed the recap last week, since really, nothing happened. I wish I could say that the subterranean cretins had figured out that only one of them was going to get any money, and either just voted for that person, or got the hell out. But no, instead they have decided to continue to bore us with their petty fights and attempts at backstabbing.
When last we left the C.H.U.D.’s, they had yet again failed to unanimously award someone the cash money, this time, though, not one person had more than 2 votes. As always, with failure comes consequence. They now would have to vote to outcast one more player. Who will it be?
Act I: This Ain’t Poker, Baby! (4/12/06)
The bunkermates have all secretly voted for who they want to be outcast from the game. It’s Adam, the pro poker player. Steve, Jameson, Vanessa, and Tarah all voted for Adam, because they think he is a strong player. Steve, completely forgetting that Adam was his biggest supporter, says he is a reader of people for a living, and his poker skills somehow make him more dangerous in this game. He’s the one guy I would want to keep in the game and on my side. Anyways. Adam is kind of shocked, but he’s going to stay at the table and keep playing until he wins again. I guess he doesn’t really understand the concept of “outcast.”
Lay Down Your Cards
Before the players are allowed to leave the Inner Circle, J.D. stops the cash countdown, and announces that there is another player who has had airs of leaving the bunker. Jamie has been sick for a few days, and bunker living is really not helping her to recover. No fresh air, no sunlight, and 24/7 with this crew is not good for you. J.D. asks her a couple of times if she truly wants to leave, and Jamie tells everyone to be true to themselves while she high tails it out of there. Luckily for the others, the prize will not be cut in half since Jamie left for medical reasons. Hopefully she still gets her full appearance fee.
Adam looks like he is off his rocker since he has been designated as an outcast. He has kept himself separated from the others, even going so far as to not eat with the others. On the subject of eating...FOX is either screwing with us or with the contestants. Whenever they cut to a commercial or come back from commercial, they show us the supposed “surface time”. But when they came back from a commercial this time, they showed a sunset, then showed the players picking up their meals, and it was clearly breakfast food. Orange juice, coffee, muffins…well that’s all I saw. Hopefully it is the contestants that they are screwing with. Anyway, Adam is pretty hurt about being the outcast. He just keeps sulking in the corner and playing with the poker chips he brought into the bunker with him. Finally Vanessa has had enough. She keeps trying to get him come and join the discussion, but Adam will have none of it, and she basically calls him out on his baby-like antics. Adam doesn’t care…he wants Vanessa out of the running, and he will use his cunning to get what he wants. When Steve approaches Adam a little later in the day, Adam shares that he knows who foiled the vote for Steve. Very deftly, Adam lets Steve mention Vanessa’s name, and then simply says he can’t say anything else. Booya! Steve hates Vanessa.
There’s No Alliances In Poker
Slowly but surely, these lab rats have all started to form alliances. Steve has somehow aligned with the guy that really screwed him—Jonathan, as well as Adam and to some extent Richard. Jameson, Tarah, and Vanessa have also formed a unit. Richard really seems like a floater, as does Steve to some extent. The alliances are humorous in that they aren’t forming to vote for someone…they are aligning to get rid of someone. They are all doing the exact opposite of what they are supposed to be doing. Ahhh, FOX, you weave a sticky web. Both Adam and Jonathan have now convinced Steve that Vanessa is behind everything that’s going on, and that she is the one who voted against him to extend the game.
Playing With A Not-So-Full House
The grifters are all starting to go stir crazy. Living in the bunker is not a fun experience for any of them. No TV, no books, no music…there is absolutely zero to do. And the entire time they are there, the cash is ticking down…second, by second, by second. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Richard is pissed about it. His money is swirling down the drain. I say J.D. should give Richard $5 of the drawn down money so he can buy a clue.
Soon, it is time to vote again. The guinea pigs gather around the table in the Inner Circle, and J.D. stops the cash countdown while they vote. When J.D. has all their balls in his hands, he reads the votes. Surprisingly, the first two votes are for Richard, who perks up totally thinking he has a chance to win the money now. Oh, if only! Sigh. Wouldn’t that be a lark? Steve knows that Richard will never get a penny of the prize. Jonathan says so too, and is amused at the way Richard reacted when he heard his name twice. Oh yeah, and Richard is nuts by the way. Jonathan wants us all to know that. J.D. continues on, and the tension doesn’t really amount to much. Obviously, Richard doesn’t get another vote, and the votes are spread around the table. The vote is not unan1mous.
Take It Down
No winner means one more loser. Yep, you guessed it, time to outcast another player. Again, the players will enter the soundproof booth and state the name of the person who they want to be outcast. Whoever has the most votes gets X’d, and not in the Jamie Kennedy kind of way. But there is a twist…a safe box just popped out of the table where the outcast uniforms usually pop up. Nobody knows what is in it, and the outcast will get to open it and keep the contents. Is it information? Is it more secrets? Or is it a nice cash prize? Everyone enters the booth and votes, and J.D. reveals the next outcast to be…Steve. Steve went from one vote away from $1.5 million, to not being eligible for the cash at all. He didn’t see it coming at all. J.D. tells Steve that he is no longer in the running, but his vote still counts. And, he does get the contents of the safe at the head of the table. Steve snatches the box, brings it back to his seat, and enters the combination that J.D. Gives him. What’s inside? Is it killing you? Yeah, me neither. But FOX seems to think that this game is suspenseful, when really it’s just kinda boring. But whatever. It’s intermission time. Take a quick break, and scroll down for Act II.
Act II: What? Oops, I Fell Asleep(4/19/06)
Now I Lay Me Down To Snooze
Ok, so Steve has the safe box, and the combination. He can get at whatever is inside. Upon opening the safe, Steve recognizes the contents as a piece of paper with words on it, but it almost seems like he can’t even read it, even though it’s in large bold print. He gets some coaching…which must have been edited out…and reads what it says—basically that he gets to take someone with him to outcastville—which is the corner where Adam has been sulking this whole time. Everyone is nervous that he is going to pick them, since they have all been trying to manipulate him the entire time. Steve thinks about it a little, but since he believes that Vanessa was the one that caused him to miss the $1.5 million, she’s going down with him. Vanessa is pissed! She knows that Steve was just manipulated into taking out two strong vote getters, and driving a wedge between them.
I Pray For Each Of Them To Lose
Now it’s starting to look like everyman for himself. Not a single one of them is trying to rally votes for themselves, and no one is thinking about who to vote for. They are all thinking about who to vote against and have outcasted. It’s mayhem!! Steve is going around trying to figure out why he went from almost winning the prize, to being an outcast. Yet he is aligned with the very person that caused him the loss. The man cannot see the forest for the trees. I’ve met top level Scientologists that were manipulated less than Steve.
If I Should Pass Before Shows End
All of the test subjects are soon called into the kitchen and sat at the table. J.D. comes on the monitor above the kitchen table with an announcement. Considering the bunker doesn’t have cable, there sure are a lot of TVs in it. Anyway, J.D. announces that, since everyone seems to believe that the money should be rewarded based on character, who better to tell everyone about the remaining candidate’s character than the people that know them best. Suddenly, Jameson’s partner Rob shows up on the monitor in a previously filmed video of him telling everyone why they should reward Jamie with the money. Apparently he saved his sister’s pet by spending his life savings for it to have surgery. Talk about letting your emotions guide your financial decisions! Next up is Richard’s Grandfather…I think. He tells the crew about Richard’s qualities, and let’s them know that he has a nice Italian mom that wants a new house. And Richard can continue to live in the basement!! Next, Tarah’s sister Shana tells us that Tarah is totally broke, and totally needs the money. Totally. Finally, Jonathan’s sister graces the screen. She is really nice and gives him a very favorable spiel. When she was on unemployment, Jon would leave $20 on her dresser every morning. Hey, I admit it even got to me…but then I recall that this is the guy that lies about having a disease that requires your balls to be cut off, and I catch myself before I start to actually like him.
Just Thank God For Me, My Friend
After some more secret alliance meetings and talking-in-whispers, it is time to vote again. They all gather in the Inner Circle to submit their votes. J.D. reads the votes one by one. Who here thinks this vote might be unanimous? No, me either. Jonathan gets the first 3 votes. The next vote, which could be Jon’s, is for Richard. However, the next vote goes to Jameson, and the vote is not unanimous. Who would’ve known? Not me.
As always, non-unanimous vote = consequence for the gang. Another person will become ineligible for the cash prize in the form of becoming an outcast. And who better to decide who should be outcast than the other outcasts? J.D. sends the still eligible players out of the Inner Circle. One by one, J.D. will call an outcasts name, and they will then recall one of the still eligible guests to return to the table and not be outcast. And the eligibles are all shaking in their boots, realizing that each of them has screwed over each of the outcasts in some way. Steve is first, and he brings Richard back to the table. Adam goes next, and he brings Jonathan back…but Adam won’t explain his explanation for explaining why he explained that he wouldn’t explain. Vanessa is the final outcast, and she can only bring either Tarah or Jameson back to the table. Who will she choose? Who will join the outcasts? Next time, my friends. Next time.
This show is making wish I was outcast from my living room: firstname.lastname@example.org