Welcome back for another round of psychological experimentation on human lab rats placed in a (supposedly) underground bunker somewhere in California. That’s right, this is a recap for Unan1mous, the show that thinks it’s hip enough to pull off substituting a number for a letter. You guys are sooooo cool. But honestly, it just makes me want to pronounce it as it should be….”You-nan-one-mous”. Whatever.
When last we left the caged rats, everyone was trying to decide what the worst secret is (choosing from a former mental ward resident, a carrier of live ammo, or a grafter money grubber who exploits the system. Honestly, that’s the worst in my book. If you have the money, be honest and pay your way. I’m so honest about paying my way that I hesitate and flinch when my fiancé wants me to go behind her in line at Bed, Bath, and Beyond so we can both use 20% off coupons and get the maximum savings. But then we saved $50, so I shut the hell up. Anyway, I digress…) and J.D. was on the “Big Brother” screen waiting for an answer.
Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs©
After discussing the secrets for a few minutes, J.D.’s big ole’ mug shows up on the big screen and demands their answer. Since everyone of them runs when faced with good mental health, they choose the secret of having stayed in a mental ward. And that secret belongs to…Richard. Couldn’t you just see it in his eyes from the get go? This guy is either an actor paid to be the stereotypical whack job, or he really is slightly off balance. He is now ineligible to win the money, however he is not out of the game. His vote still counts, and he gets to decide who will get the money, and who won’t. J.D. tells him to take the outcast uniform that is popping out of the head of the table. It’s a shirt with an “X” on the left shoulder. As Richard approaches the head of the table, everyone is just shocked at how the producers seem to be rubbing his face in it. Not only can’t he win any money, but he now has to wear a scarlet letter for the rest of his time in the bunker? Hell no. I would be out of there faster than you can say You-nan-one-mous.
Richard is none too happy. He needs this money…for therapy, I think he says. He separates himself away from the others in another part of the bunker, but the cameras still follow him. He’s really pissed at the producers and the camera people. So angry, in fact, that he says he wants to reach right through the camera and strangle someone. As he paces, he stops, and quickly looks right into the camera with one of his insane looks. Are you sure you didn’t just escape that mental ward, Richard? He eventually announces that there is no amount of money that is worth all of this, and whinily asks the cameras to just leave him alone. Richard—hear me out here, buddy—you can’t win! You don’t want the cameras on you? Leave the friggin’ bunker! Get the hell out of there, $750,000 for someone else be damned. Please!
Back in the main bunker area, everyone has gathered on the couch to discuss the cruelty of this show. No one is enjoying this…well, perhaps Jonathan is. He’s getting to put on his whole “testicular cancer” act and pretend to be someone others would actually think worthy of receiving $1.5 million. It’s a good feeling to pretend to not be the total dirtbag that he is. Richard returns from his pouting, but this time with sunglasses. He tells everyone how mad he is, and that he also thinks this show is lower than low for the cruel twist. They all want to get the heck out of the bunker, because it is breaking them down mentally. They finally understand that to get out, they have to just figure out who should get the cash so they can all agree.
Big Sister is Calling
Sometime later(I don’t know, is it night? Is it day? Are we to believe the cutaways to the outdoors when they cut to commercial? Which way is up?), Big Sister calls all the participants to the Inner Circle, where J.D. statics in to talk to the crew. Since they were unable to come to a consensus at the last vote, they are going to institute a few “motivations” to get them all to agree. First, the producers have chosen a group leader who is going to lead and organize the group discussions and the voting. That person is Vanessa. Her first responsibility is to choose 1 person who will go into an isolation booth and won’t be able to hear everyone in the Inner Circle. That way, the others can talk about that person. Vanessa chooses Steve, the average Joe truck driver. He will enter the isolation booth and not be able to hear the dealings at the table. However, he will get to talk to someone…his wife! Inside the booth is a phone, and Steve has them dial up his sweetie. Steve sobs and tells his wife just how much he misses her. He tells her all about the stress and the challenge, but he has also met some wonderful people. Are those imaginary friends? Because these aren’t wonderful people, Steve-O. Steve also takes a moment to make sure his wife won’t be upset if he has to lie or do whatever it takes to win. He then tells his kids in a confessional that they should never lie, cheat, or steal in life. Hey man, it’s a game. They’ll understand. And you have nothing to worry about anyway…I don’t think there is a cheating bone in his body.
Outside the booth, the others are starting to form a consensus. Steve is the guy that everyone can agree on. He’s just and average guy who wants to do right by his family. He’s honest, and really seems like a nice guy. After the Inner Circle session, the whole crew questions Steve on the couch. They all want to know if there is anything in his past that they should know about that would make him unworthy of the vote. Nothing. Steve is squeaky clean since he was married at 19, and a daddy by age 20…all he has done is work hard and lead a boring life. They all agree. Steve is the man, and he deserves to take home the money. Adam is a little bummed that he won’t be winning the reward, but he also knows that seeing the look on Steve’s face will still be pretty rewarding.
Soon the participants gather in the Inner Circle for the next vote. Everyone is confident that they will be leaving the bunker soon. J.D. leads everyone through the voting rigamarole, and the balls are dropped into the twisting tubes to J.D.’s scrawny little hands. I’m sure they reorder the votes before he reads them. Steve gets the first vote, and he needs 7 more to win $1.5 million. The votes keep coming up Steve, until J.D. reads a vote for Vanessa. Whoa! Everyone starts freaking out…especially Kelly. She doesn’t understand that since you can’t vote for yourself, Steve had to vote for someone. But J.D. calms the crowd to read the last vote…for…Adam?!?!? Yes, the vote is not unanimous. And Steve is crushed!! Wouldn’t you be? How cruel is that? Who would do something like that? Richard for revenge? What did Steve ever do to him? Was it Kelly because she really believes that money is the root of all evil, and doesn’t want anyone to have the money? Great, let FOX keep it and develop even more crappy sitcoms while they put the really good ones in the terrible timeslot and give it no support. Bring back "Arrested Development", damn you! And now, since the vote is again not unanimous, there will be more consequences. The $1,500,000 begins ticking down like the timer on a bomb. J.D. explains that every second they cannot come to a unanimous decision, the pot grows smaller. That’s negative interest, people!
I Told You He Was Having Fun
Everyone gathers on the couch and the denials start flying. Everyone claims to have voted for Steve, except for Steve, and everyone swears it is the truth. People start throwing accusations out, too. Obviously, Richard is a possibility, since he can’t win. But no. It’s Jonathan, the self professed ladies man. He either wants to stick around to flirt with Jamie in a place she can’t just run far, far away from him, or he really is enjoying his time pretending to not be a sleazeball for once. Or he’s a mole planted by FOX. Either way, he admits to changing his vote in confessional, and he is really proud at what he has created.
Just Let Her Go
Somebody is lying. Plain and simple. And Kelly can’t deal with it. She wants out. She simply does not want to be around someone who can lie like this. Adam is upset with her…he doesn’t want her to leave and take half of Steve’s money away. Steve’s money? It’s in FOX’s hands until this vote is unanimous…have you forgotten already? Anyway, Adam can’t believe she can’t stick it out for just 24 hours more when they will vote again. She doesn’t want to stick around, she doesn’t care. They yell back and forth for awhile, until J.D. calls out from the Inner Circle. He has caught wind of Kelly’s desire to leave, and he is going to put her to the question. Will she stay or will she go?
Be sure to tune in next week to find out if Kelly is going to cut the pot in half or stay and help give away a large sum of cash. And…who’ll win the money? Next time, my friends.
I wouldn’t mind being in the bunker, as long as I had access to FORT! firstname.lastname@example.org