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Thread: Ultimate Love Test week 7: But What Will Happen To the BAND?!?!?!

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    LG.
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    Ultimate Love Test week 7: But What Will Happen To the BAND?!?!?!

    The Ultimate Love Test, Week 7: But What Will Happen To the BAND?!?!?!

    Welcome back long-suffering fans of Ultimate Love Test, as the three week test for the original four couples is drawing to a close. We’ve lost two of the couples along the way, along with any interest most of the viewers ever had in these people, yet we muddle on because it’s July and this is the only “new” show on this Wednesday night. Wait, there may be something on the “Watching Paint Dry” channel, I don’t remember a “Puce” episode before. Damn, it’s just a clip show. Ok, on to the task at hand.

    I’m writing this recap somewhat from memory because an page of my notes for the show are lost, probably stolen by some Roy-obsessed fan who doesn’t want me to condemn that guy with his own words. Unfortunately for them, I’ve got a pretty darn good memory. I wake up at night reliving this show, so curse that memory. Ah, memories, now I’ve got that stupid Moonlight song from Cats stuck in my head, intertwined with that terrible Way We Were song. Arrrrrgh. I may be a fool, but not a sentimental one.

    On the Trail of the Former Lovers

    Heather and C.R. return to L.A. and go to a spa for massages and facials. C.R. seems to enjoy the spa more than I would have expected, but then again, I don’t usually hang out with metrosexuals. Then they go to Runyon Canyon where they used to go when they were dating, and they can see the place where they used to LIVE TOGETHER! What?!? I knew that they had dated before, but I don’t remember ever hearing that these two had actually LIVED TOGETHER. Now I can see why Frank is a little crabby and taking it out on the tabby. Not that it is an excuse, because Melton didn’t do anything to deserve having the hatin’ Croatian on his case.

    They go back to CR’s apartment, where Heather says she hasn’t been since before she met Frank. So much for the theory that she broke up with CR to date Frank. Unless she happened to have had all of her stuff in her purse one day when she happened to meet Frank and never went back to where she was living, that don’t jive. At CR’s place they look at old pictures, and CR asks for her autograph on his copy of her band’s CD. The band’s name is Ballentine. They have a website. I can’t find the link, but it’s in one of the threads. Go buy the CD. They seem like sweet kids. And, if CR really does end up being the Yoko Ono of Ballentine, this could be a one and only CD from this band.

    Heather and CR have a fancy dinner, after which they have a heart to heart. CR admits that he still loves Heather and would like a future with her. He says he wants to build on what they had before, and Heather remarks, “well I hope it would be better than that” so apparently there was good reason to end their prior relationship. Hmmm, methinks there is more to this story, but apparently it’s not the direction the producers want us going, so we don’t get the low-down on the original Heather- CR breakup.

    CR shows that he really does care about Heather and tells her that he wants the best for her, no matter what she decides. CR says “You have a good head on your shoulders” to Heather. Oh, he wants her to make her own decision. What a novel concept. Even though CR was a jerk to Frank in Cabo, he does seem quite decent to Heather. Wonder if Roy will be this decent to Amber when she is trying to make a difficult decision about her future.

    Heather is ‘ready’ to be reunited with Frank and is looking forward to the test being over.
    A letter arrives for Heather with a check for $45,000, and the evening ends.

    Honey, I Moved In, and Then Threw a House-Warming Party for Myself in Your Place

    Meanwhile back at Heather’s house, Frank is finishing up his “moving in” project which includes assembling a dresser. Looks like Sauders. Good stuff. I’ve assembled a ton of it myself. Doesn’t really match with Heather’s décor, but I’m not sure that is really important in the long run. I’m sure it will look just fine back at Frank’s mom’s house.

    Frank sees pictures of Heather and CR at Runyon Canyon and realizes that they are back in Los Angeles, very close by. Frank is frustrated and ready for the test to end. He remarks that if it is Heather’s choice to be with CR instead of him, he’ll move on and won’t be peeking in their windows. Glad to know he doesn’t intend to be a Peeking Frank. That sounds like a new type of hotdog and crescent roll lunch entrée for a preschool. Or perhaps a Peking Frank, some type of American-Faux Chinese food dish along the lines of Chop Suey. I’m sure I’ll get hate e-mail for that line. The address is lurkinggirl@fansofrealitytv.co m and my partner on this show (though completely innocent of all of the offensive material in this recap) is mantenna@fansofrealitytv.com so drop us a line.

    Frank goes to hang out with Ballantine’s keyboardist to kill some time, jamming on his guitar. It looks very therapeutic. Melton is wishing that Frank would have thought of this idea weeks ago. The keyboardist’s girlfriend is rather concerned that if Heather breaks up with Frank “But what will happen to the BAND?!?!?!” Here’s a hint. Don’t anybody quit your day job just yet.

    Frank has a party at Heather’s house with his band-mates, friends, and his very cute sister. It looks like fun. More fun than Frank has been for three weeks. Maybe Frank really is a cool guy to hang out with, as Heather obviously sees something in him. One of the musicians joins Frank’s guitar playing with a song about Heather and the picture frame from hell with pictures of Heather with CR from The Test. Let’s just say I think some of the choicest lyrics were edited for television. See, I DO know that they edit these shows.

    A letter shows up with a check for $45,000 for Frank, and the party rages on. Rock on, Garth.

    Vermont Is Made For Lovers, and Sucks When Your Girlfriend is Off With Some Rich Bozo

    Meanwhile in Vermont, Diego runs into Amber’s mom, Ali, while he happens to be followed by a film crew. What a coinky-dink. Ali is great. She picks at a salad while Diego chows down on big hunk of beef. Ali says that she’s very easy going, and I’d tend to agree. After all, if my daughter were cavorting around on a reality dating tv show, I’m not so sure I’d be so thrilled about it. Let’s hope this television trend is long past before my four year old could be asked to be on Ultimate Love Test 15th Anniversary or anything like that. Somehow I doubt there will be a sequel, but if there is, you can bet that Mantenna and I will somehow get suckered into covering it.

    Ali likes Diego and hopes that it works out for them, and that the money will give them more opportunities as a couple. Why yes, an extra $98,000 COULD come in handy in our lives together, Diego admits. Wonder if Amber has thought that through. Diego tells Ali that he wants to marry Amber and asks for her blessing, which she gives. Then Diego goes engagement ring shopping. Let’s hope he kept the receipt.

    A letter arrives with Diego with a check for $49,000. He can’t believe it. This guy really does wear his emotions on his sleeve. Wait, muscle shirts don’t usually have sleeves. Aha, I think I see part of the problem here.

    Hey Baby, I Can Give You Everything, like, um, Picture Frames, the Really Expensive Kind. Every Day Will Be Like This, Unless I Actually Go Back To My Job.

    Roy and Amber head to LA, where Roy shows Amber the town. First they go to an art gallery and look at the exhibit. Amber remarks that they aren’t many art galleries in Vermont. She hasn’t been to many real art galleries. Apparently she doesn’t notice the “This Space For Rent” signs on the walls of this gallery, or perhaps mistook it for some nueaveu chic post modern statement on society piece, very Warhol derivative.

    They go shopping on Rodeo Drive and have one of those Pretty Woman shopping scenes. Gah, I hate Pretty Woman, and despise Julia Roberts and anyone else who thinks dressing up a whore in expensive designer clothes makes her into a lady. Yup, as long as he has enough money, then any dreams can come true. Somebody better hand me a bucket, I’m feeling quite nauseas. Amber shops until she drops and Roy encourages her to try on everything, as does some crazed sales associate who encourages Amber to “spin, spin around Amber” so perhaps I’m not the only one feeling a bit nauseas. Yes, my 4 year old daughter picks out dresses based on how they look when they are spinning around. Perhaps she has a bright future in the retail clothing sales industry.

    Amber gets her hair “did” and a facial, you know, the stuff that the ladies from Outback Jack call “the usual” at their salons. Roy takes Amber out for a fancy dinner at some place that Roy claims was started by four Chinese women without the support of their husbands. Well because it’s in California, a community property state, the joke would be on the ladies if they ever wanted to leave their husbands, because their income and business proceeds obtained while married would belong 50% to their unsupportive spouses. Just injecting a little bit of harsh reality into a supposed “reality show” folks, that my snarky charge.

    I notice that Amber picked out a dress that is a mini-skirt on one side and at least tea length on the other side. Either that, or her dress got stuck in a wood chipper and Roy valiantly protected her from its evil clutches, but I’m pretty sure that would have made the highlight reel. No matter, she looks good, her face is all done up, that is at least until it drops to the floor when Roy takes her back to the same gallery they has visited earlier and she sees that Roy (meaning the producers of the show) have set up an exhibit of her work in the gallery. She’s shocked to see so many of her photos and other art pieces on display, and a crowd of people looking them over.

    She sells a photo print for $80, and the crowd disperses. They must have been rented by the hour, and time was up. Now Roy moves in for the big sell. Amber, you MUST go with what you love. You love THIS. Look at all of this STUFF. You CAN’T go back to dumpy Vermont and your dumpy boyfriend. PICK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Amber says that she loves being with Roy because she’s never been with someone who was always putting her first. That because it isn’t all about you, Amber. I had flashbacks to the episode of The Bachelorette when it was Trista’s birthday and gosh-darn if it wasn’t all about ME for Trista that day. Hey, I was a middle child. It’s never been all about me, and you can call me crazy, but I don’t think that’s a really good basis for a relationship. With another person. Yes, a two person relationship should be all about one of the people in it. Ok, I’m a bit looney that way.

    Amber says that she is ‘not ready’ to make any decisions. She cries in the limo back to her hotel like a rejected Bachelor candidate. The test is over.

    Amber receives a check for $49,000 (which is $4,000 more than it would have been if Diego had done as Oily Royly had chastised him for not doing and bought 5 minutes of time with Amber). Does she appreciate this? We’ll find out next week.

    Recapper on a Soapbox: A Brief Editorial

    Here we have a tale of two couples, both tested by the lure of an outside man who is interested in the lady. For Heather and Frank, the outside man is CR, Heather former live-in boyfriend who still loves her and has remained friends with her for years while she has dated Frank. CR respects Heather enough to understand that of course she has feelings for Frank, and doesn’t push her to make a decision about her future without at least letting her talk to Frank for more than the 5 minutes allowed in Cabo. He wishes her well and worries about his own future and whether he may have another chance with the woman he loves (and has loved for years).

    Then we have Roy. Roy has never met Amber or Diego before this show, but has some perverse hobby of going to tv shows to break up committed relationships for sport. While Brooke was cast in the same “role” for Brandon and Kenesha, it was clear from the first unwanted grope from Brandon that Brooke wasn’t there to try to “steal” Kenesha’s man, but instead to test his maturity level, which was Kenesha’s main concern.

    Roy, on the other hand, is all about OPP and uses his 3 weeks of alone time with Amber to convince her that Diego isn’t good enough for her. What the heck does Roy even know about Diego? Roy is pushing himself and “the rich lifestyle” that Amber deserves like he gets some sort of sales incentive if she dumps Diego. Maybe he really did start to like her in the three weeks that he’s known her, but does he really think he knows more about what Amber should do with her live than she does? Push, push, push, we need to move some of this inventory. Every existing relationship must go. Move them, people, and we’ll all eat lobster at the August sales meeting.

    I’m sorry, but why IS this guy even on this show? Can’t Dr. Roy get a date with a decent woman on his own? Oh, I know why Roy is on the show. To quote my favorite insult comic dog, Triumph, he’s there To Make Me PUKE.

    Alrighty then, next week the two couples are reunited, on camera of course. Count on tears. Count on decisions. And then count on an update of all four couples, that will likely be not the same as the decisions they made without having a chance to talk (or watch the show on tv). I’m really hoping that Kenesha has realized that Brandon is light years away from a committed relationship. Oh, and watch Jayre slap his forehead when he realizes that he would have gotten $50,000 all to himself just for going off to Vegas with his trio of ladies and spending another, what, 3 days with them. D’oh!

    Join us next week when Mantenna and I will pool our collective resources in a “no holds barred” finale recap. Lordy, we hope it is the finale anyway. Toodles.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

  2. #2
    Courtesy and Goodwill Mantenna's Avatar
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    Oh, LG, you are completely brilliant. Awesome, awesome job . . . you had me falling out of the chair with your snarkalicious wit.

    A few of my favorite quotes:

    We’ve lost two of the couples along the way, along with any interest most of the viewers ever had in these people, yet we muddle on because it’s July and this is the only “new” show on this Wednesday night. Wait, there may be something on the “Watching Paint Dry” channel, I don’t remember a “Puce” episode before. Damn, it’s just a clip show. Ok, on to the task at hand.
    Meanwhile back at Heather’s house, Frank is finishing up his “moving in” project which includes assembling a dresser. Looks like Sauders. Good stuff. I’ve assembled a ton of it myself.
    Me too!

    He remarks that if it is Heather’s choice to be with CR instead of him, he’ll move on and won’t be peeking in their windows. Glad to know he doesn’t intend to be a Peeking Frank. That sounds like a new type of hotdog and crescent roll lunch entrée for a preschool. Or perhaps a Peking Frank, some type of American-Faux Chinese food dish along the lines of Chop Suey. I’m sure I’ll get hate e-mail for that line. The address is lurkinggirl@fansofrealitytv.co m and my partner on this show (though completely innocent of all of the offensive material in this recap) is mantenna@fansofrealitytv.com so drop us a line.


    One of the musicians joins Frank’s guitar playing with a song about Heather and the picture frame from hell with pictures of Heather with CR from The Test. Let’s just say I think some of the choicest lyrics were edited for television. See, I DO know that they edit these shows.
    That wasn't merely a vocalist, it was Steve THE HYPE!

    A letter arrives with Diego with a check for $49,000. He can’t believe it. This guy really does wear his emotions on his sleeve. Wait, muscle shirts don’t usually have sleeves. Aha, I think I see part of the problem here.

    Hey Baby, I Can Give You Everything, like, um, Picture Frames, the Really Expensive Kind. Every Day Will Be Like This, Unless I Actually Go Back To My Job.

    Apparently she doesn’t notice the “This Space For Rent” signs on the walls of this gallery, or perhaps mistook it for some nueaveu chic post modern statement on society piece, very Warhol derivative.

    Gah, I hate Pretty Woman, and despise Julia Roberts and anyone else who thinks dressing up a whore in expensive designer clothes makes her into a lady.
    Wonderful job.

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    What I Do Best Watches2MuchTV's Avatar
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    Wonderful job LG! I can't wait to see what you and Manny will do for the finale! (more entertaining and exciting than the show itself!)

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    LG, You and Manny are AWESOME!!!! I loved and agreed SO much about ROY - he just cannot give us a break - glad he's gone!!!! NO MORE of his stupid crap - Celebrate that one!!!!! Oily, You had him pegged from day one!!!! Great Work!!!!

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    FORT Fogey canadian_bunny's Avatar
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    [QUOTE]
    Quote Originally Posted by LG.
    Frank is frustrated and ready for the test to end. He remarks that if it is Heather’s choice to be with CR instead of him, he’ll move on and won’t be peeking in their windows. Glad to know he doesn’t intend to be a Peeking Frank. That sounds like a new type of hotdog and crescent roll lunch entrée for a preschool
    ... Sounds like a nice new entree to me!


    A letter arrives with Diego with a check for $49,000. He can’t believe it. This guy really does wear his emotions on his sleeve. Wait, muscle shirts don’t usually have sleeves. Aha, I think I see part of the problem here.



    Roy takes Amber out for a fancy dinner at some place that Roy claims was started by four Chinese women without the support of their husbands. Well because it’s in California, a community property state, the joke would be on the ladies if they ever wanted to leave their husbands, because their income and business proceeds obtained while married would belong 50% to their unsupportive spouses. Just injecting a little bit of harsh reality into a supposed “reality show” folks, that my snarky charge.
    .. Now this is funny as hell Makes me think of Divorce Court.. "I want half!"

    I notice that Amber picked out a dress that is a mini-skirt on one side and at least tea length on the other side. Either that, or her dress got stuck in a wood chipper and Roy valiantly protected her from its evil clutches, but I’m pretty sure that would have made the highlight reel.



    I had flashbacks to the episode of The Bachelorette when it was Trista’s birthday and gosh-darn if it wasn’t all about ME for Trista that day. Hey, I was a middle child. It’s never been all about me, and you can call me crazy, but I don’t think that’s a really good basis for a relationship. With another person. Yes, a two person relationship should be all about one of the people in it. Ok, I’m a bit looney that way.
    Yeah thats the idea of a relationship (two people involved)

    Great Job LG... cant wait for the next one by you and Mantenna!!
    Last edited by canadian_bunny; 07-18-2004 at 07:09 PM.

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    Cy Young 2010 Mariner's Avatar
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    Now I can see why Frank is a little crabby and taking it out on the tabby. Not that it is an excuse, because Melton didn’t do anything to deserve having the hatin’ Croatian on his case.
    Great job L.G.! The above was my favorite part that hasn't already been quoted.

    Your community property analysis had me giggling. Attorneys just can't help but think that stuff. I did the same thing during the show.

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    Frank seems like an mellow guy and I've never seen him terrorize Melton the cat.He plays with him and in all Reality(no pun intended)he's been taking care of the cat the whole time Heather's been gone.OK,so I'm crushing on the sister and it might look like I'm just trying to get in good with the Bro.,but I dig him.The guy's a talented bass player and I like his sense of humor.Hey man if that was my girl with CR,I might have gone Travis Bickel on him,but Frank was cool with the dude,even joking around with him.So he's a late bloomer moving out!I've known some losers who have their own pads!!Doesn't Diego live at home??Hey Frank ,if you're out there,I wanna go to a gig if you guys stay together in the band!!! P.S.Bring the sis around



    Surferboy

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    eny
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    Such a horrible show , such talent in the recapping pool

    notice that Amber picked out a dress that is a mini-skirt on one side and at least tea length on the other side. Either that, or her dress got stuck in a wood chipper

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    FORT Fogey Noreen's Avatar
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    I taped this one and have yet to watch it, now I don't have to.
    I didn't hate this show and was interested for a few weeks............
    Thank you for you great recap.

  10. #10
    Blue Mooooooooon Blue Meanie's Avatar
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    Hilarious recap, L.G. I can only wonder what could have been with your lost notes.
    Paintin' the Town Blue!

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