Welcome back to The Ultimate Love Test, my dear friends. I'm happy to be back with you again this week, but also a bit nervous, as LG. has been doing a wickedly-awesome job recapping the last two weeks. Nevertheless, I shall try my best, and maybe later we can go relax under the sun with an unlimited budget to burn. Yeah, I bet even I'd be looking pretty good, then! So, let's begin. The seas of looooove are getting rougher!
When I Rush, I Rush For You
The camera eye opens in Cabo and finds Heather and C.R. enjoying a nice luncheon under the cool sea breeze. Heather is getting more and more confused, torn between her love for Frank and her returning feelings for C.R., which are flooding back like crowds flocking to a Star Wars sequel. (Yeah, it’s the romantic in me.) After the lovely meal, Heather is sitting on the couch in her room when a knock comes at the door. She expects C.R., but . . . why, it’s her best friend, Danielle! They chat a bit, and Danielle delivers Frank’s message from last week. Heather seems a little disappointed that it isn’t more profound and amazing, but still, tears begin to well. Now, blame it on the editing if you will, but I think that Danielle plants some more seeds of doubt in Heather’s mind. Heather decides that she wants someone who’s open and willing to fully commit to her and hopes that Frank will step up and become that somebody. She has her doubts, though, as it took him a year to say the L-word.
Back at home in California, Frank has fallen under the weather. He drags himself out of bed, looking more frazzled than ever, and tells us that he feels like he’s disappearing—emotionally, physically, all the way around. He hasn’t been eating well, but while he is, he’s been experimenting with some unorthodox cooking techniques. I had no idea that you could make a quesadilla on a stove burner with a cheese stick! A part of him is saying “Screw this test! It’s not worth risking our relationship.” SAY THAT TO HER, FRANK!!!
The now-familiar red monster truck rolls next to Heather’s house, bringing Frank the company of Steve “The Hype”, himself, joined by friends Mike and Armando. The Hype has formulated a brilliant plan . . . the four of them shall take a road trip to Mexico in their RV and “ambush” Heather and C.J. er . . . T.J. er . . . R.J. er . . . C.R. Frank decides quickly it’s a great-sounding plan, so they hop in and take off. Frank, riding shotgun, tells us that this test, this . . . ultimate love test . . . is probably about how far he would go to hold onto Heather, and he’s going to go as far as it takes to find her. SAY THIS TO HER, FRANK!!! The Hype is confident that it won’t be hard to find Heather once they get there—she’s a hot chick.
Dancing Like Nobody’s Watching
Amber appears on the screen and tells us that she’s growing closer to Roy, but is torn because Diego is at home. Yes, the great dilemma. We see a shot of her and Roy walking down the beach, hand in hand. When they’ve decided they’ve walked far enough, Roy does a little pirouette to turn around and head back. Hence, the title of this section . . . people always try to make this sound like a good thing, but it’s not.
Meanwhile, Amber’s best friend and ex-roommate, Lauren, arrives in Cabo, impressing us with her extensive Spanish skills. Gracias. Diego, meanwhile, is back home in Vermont, fishing and feeling miserable. Shall we say . . . up the creek without a paddle? He doesn’t care about the money anymore, he just wants Amber back.
Oh Yeah . . . Her
We are now treated to a little introductory clip of Carolyn and Jayre, where Carolyn laughingly insists that Jayre is “stupid.” Carolyn is quite sure that Jayre simply wouldn’t know what to do if a girl came on to him. Isn’t it great to know you’re loved?
Perfect segue to the scene of Ronald visiting with Jayre. The two are as close as brothers, and Ronald is astounded when Jayre introduces him to his three fantasy women, Amanda, Eva, and Teniesha. Who, I might add, are conveniently lying out on the beach a la Baywatch. Jayre is still convinced that his plan of marrying four women is a good one, but he has realized that the fourth woman is at home. I bet someone feels a little guilty now. . . .
Highway Star (Or, The Last Ride of the Fearless Four)
Frank and his pals scream down the highway in the RV on their top-secret search and rescue mission. The sun is shining, The Stooges blast from the radio, and the quatro amigos are united in a common vision: stop Heather from falling in love with this A.J. guy. I mean, C.R., rather. The Hype offers Frank some friendly advice, “Don’t be in a hurry to marry this girl . . . you’ve got to play your cards right.” Frank replies that he is probably the last dude to listen to.
Everything is peaches & cream until Armando wonders aloud if Frank might get in trouble for leaving. After all, that card said, “Stay here and await further instructions.” Frank starts thinking and scratching his head, which we all know is a bad sign. What if he gets a message and no one’s home? I’m sure that Melton would get it for him, but Melton, unfortunately, cannot answer the door, being a cat and all. They ultimately decide to turn around and head back to the house, much to everyone else’s chagrin. How far would Frank go to rescue Heather? How about 15 minutes south of Downey? It’s a start, anyway.
The Ballad of the Mollusk
Kenesha has flown to Cabo, hoping for the best but preparing for disaster. She says it’s not a question of love at this point; it’s a question of consistency. This immediately gets Depeche Mode’s “A Question of Lust” stuck in my head, and I suspect it will remain there for the remainder of the week. Brooke waits for her to arrive in the lobby, as she’d really like to inform Kenesha that her boyfriend’s a piece of *bleeeep*.
Brandon, meanwhile, is sulking alone in his room. He still feels that he’s been unfairly judged and that he never broke any rules. I’ve given Brandon a new nickname. He looked as though he would have enjoyed several more limbs to wrap around Brooke on day one; hence, he is to be further known as “The Mollusk.” The suckers would no doubt be a nice touch, too. The Mollusk is starting to miss Kenesha . . . he misses the intimacy and misses being loved. Yep, it’s a hard life. So hard. Me, myself, and . . . who?
Brooke meets with Kenesha, and they have a heart-to-heart. Kenesha is impressed and surprised that Brooke is so honest about everything, and that Brooke appears to be on Kenesha’s side. Kenesha finally says that she knows exactly what she’ll do about all this. Brooke wishes her the best of luck.
The Big Peregrine Scene-jumping Part
Why not give it its own name? It happens in every episode. We now jump to Amber’s world. It’s an artistic place. Lauren is showing further knowledge of all things Spanish, as she is giving Roy the inquisition while the three sunbathe. Her gut tells her that he’s genuine, and he’s very different from Diego. Amber is still in conflict whether or not she should explore her attractions with Roy, for Diego is, as always, still back home. Unless he’s currently driving to Mexico in an RV on a whim. Laura feels that Amber should seize the opportunity and live life to the fullest. Carpe diem and all that. Back in Vermont, Diego is, indeed, at home, and he’s really starting to look distraught. He says that he’s tired of watching the pictures from Cabo in the moving Harry Potter-like picture frame, yet he can’t stop watching them. Diego thinks the doc's a chump. Diego’s dad offers a bit of fatherly advice. “Right now, you’re thinking about her in the relationship, and she’s thinking about herself in the relationship. It might be interesting if you started thinking about yourself.”
Elsewhere, C.R. takes Heather horseback-riding down the beach. Actually, ABC takes them both horseback-riding, but I digress. They ride off into the sunset, literally. This is just getting to be too much.
Ronald and Jayre are relaxing by the beach, and Ronald delivers Carolyn’s message to Jayre, complete with the head-smack. Jayre says in a confessional that the smack “almost felt loving,” and it was “classic Carolyn.” The next day, Jayre, Ronald, and the Bikini Bandits all go sailing/frolicking in the water. Everyone seems to enjoy themselves (of course), and Jayre composes a message for Ronald to give back to Carolyn. “Tell her that I’m having a fan-tas-tic time, but I’d be having a better time if she was here.” *game show wrong-answer sound* True, Jayre is having the time of his life, but he revealed to us via confessional that he's not even thinking about Carolyn.
The Continuing Ballad of the Mollusk
Kenesha arrives at Brandon’s room. Brandon’s mouth turns into a smirky smile, but there’s no warm welcome looking back at him. Kenesha tells him that she’s not at all happy with the way he’s been acting, especially since it was day one. Brandon’s eyes shift in paranoia, and ask if she’s been talking with Brooke. “Brooke’s a very distorted little girl,” The Mollusk sneers. Kenesha replies that it doesn’t matter if he didn’t “do anything;” what matters is that the intention was there. The Mollusk successfully nails the coffin of his watery grave shut with his response, “I don’t like anything about her, but it doesn’t make any difference! I’m the same way regardless!” Oh my. He is down in a hole, indeed, and I don’t think that he can be saved. They argue back and forth for quite some time, and I think Kenesha’s just about had it with all his excuses and delusions.
All That Jiggles is Not Jello
Meanwhile, Roy and Amber are headed out to a nice candlelit dinner. Amber uses the old ploy that she got ready in five minutes, and Roy responds, “Wow! You look amazing!” He then pirouettes her around, and they stroll down the lane on their merry little way. Roy tells Amber that she should do what she wants to do. Carpe diem and all that. Amber says she’ll have to do a lot of soul-searching.
Heather and C.R. are swimming, as usual. This time, it’s in the water beneath the walkway by her room, or so it seems. Heather is very happy to be around C.R.; he’s so loving and so giving. He also has his initials tattooed on his arm. Maybe it’s the psychoanalyst in me, but I noticed that Heather dips her hands in the water and continues to mess up C.R.’s hair, so he now sports a Frank-like ‘do. I’ve concluded that this is a subconscious message from deep within her id. *Manny crosses legs* Now, tell me about your childhood.
Later, we meet Ronald and Carolyn back in NYC. Ronald delivers Jayre’s message to Carolyn, but she is not impressed. “Was he missin’ me when he was lickin’ Jello shots of some girl’s stomach?” Ronald tries to respond with something like, “Well, I was not there for that, but I’m sure. . . .” However, he cannot get a word in edgewise, for Carolyn is on a rampage. She can’t eat, she can’t sleep, she can’t study anything but the Harry Potter pictures. She is distressed beyond words at this abuse of trust, and Jello. She repeats herself a la broken record, “I don’t want to see him anymore.” That record skips seven times.
Give Me That Z-O-L-O-F-T
Kenesha and The Mollusk are still arguing. Kenesha is simply livid by now, while Brandon is thinking, “Why, oh why does she always have to bring up that I was messing around with two women? It’s not fair.” *sniff* Kenesha decides that she has no more tears left to cry, and she speaks the words everyone’s been waiting to hear, “I’m done with this relationship.” She walks out, and Brandon is stunned. He wanders outside and wallows in misery, at one point yelling desperately into the air, “Keneshaaaaa!” *Echo ECHO echo* Unfortunately, he is not as skilled as Roy in recreating movie scenes, and Kenesha is gone. Poignant piano music weeps in the background, and we, the viewers, get our own message:
Brandon and Kenesha quit the show
They forfeited the $100,000
Three couples remain
See the World and all That
The three back at home all receive an ULT-O-Gram, yet again.
Frank: “Pack your bags for a chance to see Heather. Be ready at. . . .”
Diego: “Prepare for travel. Be ready at. . . .”
Carolyn: “Pack your bags for a chance to see Jayre. Be ready at. . . .”
No, I haven’t a clue why Diego’s is different from the other two. Diego is excited that he gets to travel, but he’d love to get the opportunity to see Amber, if possible. I don’t really blame him! Frank is a bit apprehensive, and doesn’t think it will simply be that easy. Still, it’s a chance, and that’s better than he had before. Carolyn is “Not sure if she wants to see him anymore.” Surprise, surprise! I’m just glad she didn’t say it seven times again. So, what’s going to happen? You’ll have to tune in next week to find out, even though the previews already revealed it. Will Diego deck the doc? Will Frank clock C.J. er . . . C.R.? Why is Jayre no longer smiling?
Share some Jello with me (no, not that way!) at firstname.lastname@example.org