Ultimate Love Test, Episode 3 Recap
Welcome back my friends to the reality show that never ends, or so it seems as it was announced this week that there will be a reunion show, dragging this series out to five excruciating weeks. Mantenna is devoting his considerable writing efforts into two episodes of Next Action Star this week (be sure to check out his ULT “moonlighting” gig in that forum), so I’m covering all of the goings on in Cabo with our fun-loving halves of the four couples being tested on this show, and Manny will be back for the next episode. This week I noticed that in the opening credits for the program, a series of words flash onto the screen: “Trust, Infidelity, Entrapment, Lust, Love and Test” and then the words morph into the title for the show. I hadn’t noticed this before, but it caught my eye. My personal favorite of this list is “Entrapment.” Where exactly that comes into play during the course of this show? Let me guess, Brandon is going to claim that he was set up on the video of him groping Brooke.
I’ll Credit This Show For One Thing: Decent Dates
So many reality tv dating shows feature really pathetic dates for the contestants. Meet My Folks often featured “half an hour with a picnic basket in the back yard” as a fantasy date. The Bachelor sends people out in such large groups I almost expect to see the object of affection to pass on down the line a rope with many handles for everyone to hang on to make sure they don’t leave anyone behind, just like kindergarteners on a field trip. No “line buddies” are needed on this show, as the producers have actually sprung for some pretty impressive dates. Too bad they didn’t save any of the production budget to actually try to promote this show. I still have yet to see an ad for it.
Amber and Roy sail in the ocean on a beautiful yacht that Roy calls “a rowboat.” Amber is very impressed with the boat and the view, yet Roy just like last week seems intent on re-creating a famous movie scene. This week it is Titanic and the scene, of course, is Amber and Roy standing in the bow of the boat like Leo and Kate. Kudos to Roy or the producers or whomever decided to spare us the vomit inducing Celine Dion soundtrack for the scene. Dear French Canadian viewers, don’t send me hate mail just because I can’t stand that screeching harpy who has sung schmaltzy songs about how she was nothing without the love of a man and other great messages for women. Fellow writer Wayner has already received the message that we have hordes of Celine fans patrolling the website defending her honor after besmirching that scarecrow’s image (and perhaps, hoping as I do, that she just once knock herself silly with all of that annoying chest pounding). There are many other reasons besides my lack of appreciation for Ms. Dion to send me a poison pen email to firstname.lastname@example.org m like the lame jokes in this recap, perhaps.
Amber is feeling a connection with Roy that she wants to explore, but she is cognizant of Diego and declines Roy’s request for a kiss. Way to go, Amber. I’m impressed, and frankly, that doesn’t happen often with this writing gig. Unfortunately Diego doesn’t see that scene. He sees Roy showering Amber with gifts that he can’t afford. So that prompts Diego to kick the shit out of a heavy bag in the gym and whine to his friend Jesse about how he’s fighting the urge to go kick the shit out of pencil geek Roy. Pencil geek, grit eating freak, scum sucking pee-head with a lousy physique, he’s a no good one man losing streak, Diego thinks Roy is a pencil neck geek. OK, that last sentence is really the lyrics to a great comedy song, so my props to Classy Freddie Blassie, the old pro wrestler / singer who treated us with the song pencil neck geek for my repertoire. Check out the full lyrics here: http://www.blogcritics.org/archives/.../09/230433.php and if you google it you can probably find a clip of it.
So It Appears That Jayre’s Test is Multiple Choice
Jayre lets us in on his reason for being on the show: he’s here to see what he likes and dislikes about his relationship with Carolyn. Carolyn lets us all know later that the reason Jayre’s here is because she wanted to test the relationship, but a country away Jayre can at least think he had some input in that decision. Just between you and me and the cockroaches in you Cabo hotel room, Jayre, I think it would be a good idea for you to let Carolyn think this was all her idea. Don’t even try to tell me there aren’t any cockroaches there. I was an exchange student in Mexico (back in the day, yeah, yeah, it was decades ago). The really nice places had cockroaches as that generally meant that the scorpions hadn’t eaten all the cucarachas.
Jayre meets the second of his fantasy dates, Taneshia, a tall leggy beauty who says she can relate to guys because she talks to them. Now that is a novel approach. Here I’ve been trying to relate to guys by shaking my booty in their faces. Oh wait, that wasn’t me. That was Eva. Jayre seems very happy to greet her at his hotel room door. Jayre welcomes Taneshia in, and says he has a hard time keeping his eyes up looking at her face. Jayre didn’t really need to tell us that, because the camera is following his glances and we can all see that even if Jayre was looking straight ahead, he’d still be staring straight into her chest. Did I mention Taneshia was tall? Yes I did. Have I mentioned that Jayre was particularly tall? No, I didn’t. Not that he seems to mind. Jayre lets Taneshia feed him shrimp cocktail appetizers even though he says he’s allergic to shrimp. Once Taneshia verifies that it’s a rashy kind of allergy and not a swelly kind, he’s eating right out of her hands. Big Daddy wasn’t ready for feeding right away, but later he decides that it’s worth the risk of an itchy rash to let Taneshia drop a deep fried crustacean into his gullet like a mama bird into her baby’s open yapper. Why is Jayre not only referring to himself in the third person, but has given himself a nickname? Who do you think you are, Johnny Fairplay? Oh wait, Jayre isn’t nearly that annoying, unless of course he tries to get sympathy by saying that his grandmother has died. Yeah, like Carolyn would let him get away with that.
Jayre is struggling to be faithful and not enjoy his time in Cabo too much, but when the fantasy girl Taneshia knows “the secret code” that “what happens in Cabo stays in Cabo.” Oh yeah, that is unique. Anyone who’s ever heard of spring break, yet alone been on one, or a trip to Vegas, or seen an ad to travel to Vegas, or, well, pretty much anyone but Carolyn is familiar with this code, yet it still surprises Jayre that Taneshia is familiar with it. Maybe Carolyn does keep him locked up in the back room in their apartment in New York, as he seems to think that he invented it just while leaving for this trip. Meanwhile, back in New York, Carolyn is supposed to be studying for school, but instead she is fixated with the pictures and video of Jayre. Somebody send Carolyn a book of crossword puzzles or something, anything, to distract her from this misery. Here’s a puzzler for you, Carolyn: which of the following was not a destination for Lemuel Gulliver in Gulliver’s Travels: a.) Lilliput, b.) Brobdingnag, c.) Japan, d.) Balboa, e.) Laputa, or f.) The Land of the Houyhnhnms. First member to PM me the right answer gets a shout out in my next recap. Can’t beat that for motivation?
Hey Lady, You Were Throwing Your Boob At My Hand All Night!
Good day Cabo, time to catch up with Brooke and Brandon. Brooke comes to Brandon’s room and invites him to meet her for lunch. As you may recall, Brandon crossed the line with Brooke in the last episode when he played slap and tickle waaaay after it lost its appeal to Brooke. Back home we hear Kenesha say that if Brandon ever cheats on her again, that will be her cue to leave. Ding, ding, ding, I think I hear a cue. If we were watching the old Groucho Marx show You Bet Your Life I would bet that we were about to hear the magic word entitling someone to the $100 prize. Brooke tells Brandon that she’s lost total respect for him, and asks how many times he would have kissed her if she would have let him last night. Brandon’s response: “When we were drunk, or when we were sober.” Brooke replies “That doesn’t matter” and I think Kenesha would tend to agree. This isn’t really a denial, is it folks? Just like when Oliver North would receive a question in the Iran-Contra hearing before Congress (this was back in the 1980s, my apologies to the youngsters), Ollie would spend the next 5 minutes conferring privately with his attorney Brennan O’Sullivan, and then respond (with a straight face, I may add) “I do not recall.” Yes, it always takes me five minutes with my lawyer to confirm that I don’t recall something when I’m asked about it. And Brandon’s defenses are just starting to mount.
Then Brandon turns it around on Brooke and claims that she’s just assuming that he would have actually kissed her, and that he didn’t actually cross any boundaries with respect to his relationship with Kenesha. Please note this is the only time that that Brandon ever uses the words “respect” “relationship” and “Kenesha” in the same sentence. Brooke says that Brandon is “very sexual at a very fast pace” and Brandon asks “how was I sexual? Did I grab you?” and then we are treated to the clips of last night with Brooke yelping “Hey! That’s my boob!” Brandon is now claiming that he would not have kissed Brooke, he didn’t break any rules with Kenesha, and that his behavior is between Brandon and his girlfriend. Brandon glares at Brooke and she says “what are you going to do? You look like you’re going to box me. You look like you could growl behind that face.” I tend to agree. I’ve received some ticked off email from contestants from various reality tv shows that I’ve written about, but I think I’ll forward anything I get from Brandon straight to my virus program to be sanitized for my protection.
Brandon is one bad liar, folks. He wouldn’t have won any prizes on The Liar’s Club as he can’t even decide whether he should go with “nothing happened” versus “it was Brooke’s idea” versus “hey, this is all fine in Kenesha’s book”. Attorneys call it “arguing in the alternative” when they take both sides of an argument and still win either way, but on reality tv dating shows, it just shows that you’re an ignorant boob who just got caught stepping out on your girl and you can’t face the music. Brooke declares that she . . . can’t . . . continue in a very dramatically paused scene reminiscent of William Shatner’s Captian Kirk, or perhaps his turn as T. J. Hooker, also a fine piece of acting interjected with many . . . dramatic . . . pauses, but with Adrian Zmed in tight pants in almost every scene (oh, and Heather Locklear too, I didn’t forget our male readers).
Do NOT Anger the Skinny Croatian
Catching up with C. R. and Heather, Heather and C. R. are toasting “Heather getting her head straight” and we get to see more shots of Frank bugging Milton the cat back at the house. Franks states that he’s a little jealous. He trusts Heather, just not the other guys. Then Frank writes on the calendar at Heather’s house “I am pissed off” on the second day after she left in a thick black pen. I’m guessing that because it is Heather’s house that he just wrote that on her calendar, and if he wrote that there just so she could have a reminder for the rest of the year that Frank was pissed off on this particular day. It makes me wonder what other emotions Frank is journaling on that calendar and if perhaps he’d be interested in purchasing some smilie stickers, as they could be a great time saving device (and not to mention darn cute) if he should ever happen to be in a good mood. My particular favorites are Hello Kitty smilie stickers. Check out this posting on EBay, Frank, you can get 60 of them for just $2. http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll...category=11794 I’m feeling happier just thinking about you getting those stickers. Hell, send me an email Frank and I’ll mail you the stickers myself. Of course I’d need to sneak them past my 4 year old daughter, who for some reason thinks that all stickers that have ever been exist just for her. This includes postage stamps. We’re still working on that lesson.
Frank asks Milton “do you know where your mom is at? Where’s Heather?” Milton answers back “Frank, you’re a fruitcake. Why are you talking to a cat?” Be careful, Milton, Frank looks like a vegetarian, but you never know. If he’s given up eating until Heather comes back, you might start looking tempting.
Heather and C. R. go on a date and swim with the sea lions. Again, these are very cool dates. I want to go on this show. Only it’s over and I doubt there will be another one. And oh yeah, I’ve watched way too many of these shows to ever appear on one. But the dates are cool. Heather loves animals as she grew up on a farm. Heather claims that the sea lions are as excited to see us as she and C. R. were to go. I’m not convinced of that myself, but who am I to judge the excitement level of sea lions? A marine biologist, or better yet, a marine animal psychologist? No, just a jaded reality tv show recapper. Heather gushes about how spontaneous and fun C. R. is, and that she is starting to question her life with Frank.
Heather and C. R. go for a swim and look very comfortable with each other. C. R. wants to be with Heather, and he wants to kiss her, but he also says he doesn’t want her to be uncomfortable so he doesn’t want to put a whole lot of pressure on her. Other than that pressure on her thigh from when you’re holding her close while swimming? I’m just asking . . . The fact that these two used to date leads to a familiarity that has to sticking in Frank’s gut right about now.
How Do You Think Kenesha’s Friends REALLY Feel About Brandon?
Back home Kenesha is hanging out with her home girls. Kenesha’s best friends Jen and Ladan look like they’re having fun as they are cooking and making margaritas while they talk about Brandon’s likely escapades in Cabo. Ladan says that Kenesha and Brandon are on opposite ends of the maturity spectrum, and wonders what Kenesha sees in him besides his six pack. I assume she’s talking about his abdominal muscles and not his beer, as he drank that all last night and then some in his quest to get drunk and hit on Brooke his first night in Cabo. Girlfriend Jen is convinced that Brandon will cheat on Kenesha again, if he hasn’t already. Folks, this is only day two of the three week Ultimate Love Test. These are friends of Kenesha who have meet Brandon in person. What do we like to say at the FORT about you can’t edit in a bad personality (props to fellow mod Cali who originally penned that gem). I’m just saying . . .
Brandon is whining about Brooke’s decision to leave and quit the show. Brooke has completely lost her appetite for lunch by just talking to Brandon. Forget about Atkins and South Beach, as this sounds like a new diet craze. Talk to Brandon before every meal, and you will lose your appetite. Brandon calls Brooke a “drama queen” says that “it would have been a shame to spend three weeks with Brooke because she would never amount to anything more to me than a pretty face.” This guy is the epitome of bitter grapes and goes on to say that she’s stuck up and thinks she’s “all that and a bag of chips”. Oh, that last line reminds me, I’ve got a bag of Funyons in my kitchen. Hold on, don’t mind my sloppy typing, ooooooh, Funyons are my favorite kind of chips. However, thinking that I resemble a bag of chips doesn’t strike me as a feat of the superego. “Cowardly” Brooke flees the show and Brandon stalks around trashing her. Run away Brooke. Run away Kenesha. It’s just a shame that more women haven’t seen this show to be fairly warned, as Brandon is still out there dating, folks. Reality tv dating show OR public service announcement, you be the judge.
Come and Knock On My Door, Three’s Company Too.
Jayre and Teneshia are dancing in the hotel, displaying some nice dance moves. Taneshia is dancing in high heels which make her appear a good half a foot taller than Jayre, but he doesn’t seem to mind and seems to be enjoying himself. When Jayre tells us about how he wants to be married to four women, a male friend of mine defends this comment, clarifying that what he’s really saying is what he really wants is qualities that a lot of different women possess, but not easily found in one woman. What he’s really looking for is FrankenWoman, a creation of a woman with both big boobs and small boobs, big booty and small booty, oh, and the personality of a monster, as that is the characteristics which meet Jayre’s ideal woman description are physical. Monstrous personality? Insert your own Carolyn joke here.
As Jayre and Taneshia are shaking their bootie in the hotel, the doorbell rings again and it’s mystery woman number three, Amanda. We are introduced to Amanda who states that Jayre won’t be tempted if his feelings for Carolyn are real, but that she does like to flirt. Jayre hits the town with Amanda and Teneshia. They go dancing, drink tequila, and do jello shots off Amanda’s tummy. This bar looks like fun, as they take turns getting hung upside down like a fish on a line and having booze poured into their mouths while hanging from the rafters. Jayre again adopts the persona of Big Daddy and declares that he and the ladies shut down the club. Jayre staggers back to his hotel room, dog tired from his night on the town, and then realizes that he’s not alone in his room. He follows a string of candles to Eva in a tub wearing a bikini and soaking in a bubble bath. Eva invites Jayre into the tub and Jayre declares “I like Jacuzzi’s” and then discretely leaves the bathroom to go put on his swim trunks in another room. Do you think Carolyn will appreciate these efforts? Hmmmm.
While Eva is giving Jayre a backrub, she asks “do you miss your girlfriend?” He stammers and yammers, and it’s obvious that he’s never worked as a political spin doctor. Well heck, even former President Clinton’s cadre of spin doctors can’t keep that guy from bragging in his book that he slept with an intern just because he could. Everyone watch as Clinton’s handlers all slap their foreheads in unison. Eva offers to give Jayre a backrub from the front while in the tub, which is an interesting approach because it requires close proximity and I’m not sure it is ergonomically correct. Jayre says that he’s tempted to give her a kiss, but doesn’t because he has a girlfriend. After the hottub, Jayre gives Eva a kiss on the cheek and sends her on her way. Carolyn should be happy about this show of incredible restraint in the face of the most aggressive tempting going on in this series, but somehow I doubt it. Jayre knows that if he kisses her, he will lose Carolyn. He states he needs to figure out what he wants before he acts. Think first, then act. Brandon might need to take some lessons from Jayre.
Cris Cross Would Get Sick From All Of This Jumping Around
Back on the boat with Amber and Roy, they caught a fish about the size of Roy. Amber is enjoying her time with Roy and is impressed when he cooks her a dinner of Thai food. Amber loves Thai food and I get the impression that she doesn’t get authentic stuff in Burlington, Vermont with Diego. A little stir-frying later and the boat smells like curry, but they don’t seem to mind. They toast with champagne to a new friendship, and perhaps more, Amber chimes in. Diego is again shown taking his frustrations out on some poor, defenseless punching bag at the gym. Diego says he’s “already been made a fool of” on the show as his workout buddy Jesse shakes his head and rolls his eyes. I think Diego is working up to grand reality show fool status all on his own here, as he needs to get out of the gym for at least one shot this episode if he wants to come off as anything other than a meathead.
Back to Roy and Amber, she acknowledges that Roy is “not the typical guy” she dates as he’s more set in life, more mature than she’s used to dating. Roy says “I want to kiss you” and Amber replies “I can’t do that, but I appreciate your honesty”. Amber was impressed that Roy even asked to kiss her and that he respected her answer. Amber blathers on about in a normal situation, of course she would kiss him, but she met someone really interesting while she’s already really attached to someone. I watched all three seasons of Temptation Island, folks. Yes, somebody had to. Let’s just say if it wasn’t for Brandon, I’d hardly recognize this as a “temptation” and “relationship testing” genre show, as the couples for the most part have been pretty darn respectful of their left behind mates. Well, all of that is under the assumption of course that they were willing to test their relationship by going on a tv show, so let’s not forget that little bit of “reality” in this reality show.
Mr. Postman, Have You a Letter, a Letter for Me?
Good grief this recap is getting long and taking forever. Fortunately we’re to the point in the show where every couple is going to do the same thing. A friend of the person is Cabo is going to visit the boyfriend or girlfriend back home to let them know they are going to Cabo and will deliver a message to their mate. Frank is back at home when Heather’s friend Danielle shows up. Danielle is heading out to Cabo and wants to know if he has a message to bring to Heather. The picture frame has new images of C. R. and Heather having fun and he’s jealous. Frank’s message: “I love her, and I’m not mad at her.” Danielle is unimpressed with her message and says “you’ve been cooped up her for four days and that is the best you can come up with to tell Heather? I can tell you from a woman’s perspective, she would like something more.” Frank suddenly turns into the Croatian Woody Allen as he starts stammering “well, I’ve been under a lot of pressure, I wish I could come up with something phenomenal to say, but I’ve been under incredible stress . . .” Seriously folks, if you have this episode on tape, listen to that part and tell me you don’t think he’s turning into Woody Allen. He does have a message for C. R. “you don’t have a chance with Heather, you’re barking up the wrong tree, so back off.”
Jayre’s friend Ronald stops by to see Carolyn to get her message to him. It’s a message in four parts:
1. I love him
2. I miss him
3. Stop touching those bitches
4. Hit him in the head. No, don’t tell him, actually hit him in the head. Here, take this lead crystal paper weight with you. It’s like a slug-o-gram. Just like a singing telegram or other gift delivery person, only delivering a right cross or a left hook instead of candy or flowers. Good thing they’re sending Ronald and not Mike Tyson to deliver this message to Jayre in Cabo.
Amber’s best friend Lauren stops by to see Diego to get his message.
I love her very much, I miss her. I trust her 100%. I don’t care about the money, I just want her back. Diego keeps talking as Lauren starts heading for the door. Lauren is in her car, driving away and Diego is still shouting out messages to Amber: “Tell her to be good, not to run away with some guy just because he has money and a PhD because that would be weak.” Lauren fills us in: “Diego is a very jealous person, and he’s trying very hard to hide it because he doesn’t want to appear weak.”
Rather than a visit from a friend of Brandon’s to take him a message, Kenesha gets a note to pack her bags. She’s leaving for Cabo the next morning. Kenesha speculates “maybe I do have something to worry about” and our old friend, foreshadowing, has made an appearance.
Wait, There’s More, and a Friend Named Steve The HYPE
Frank is hanging out with his friends, Mike and Steve “the Hype”. We get no explanation as to why Frank’s friend is named Steve the Hype, but it is quite curious. Mike and Steve the Hype drive over in a bright red monster truck. They comment that C. R. looks like Eddie Munster and has a blockhead. They show video and Frank is blown away. “What do you think about them apples,” Frank says. They watched the video of C. R. and Heather swimming together and commented to Frank “he doesn’t look like an ex-boyfriend, dude.” Frank is standing under a stuffed deer head, saying “you’re going to see one angry skinny Croatian guy who is eventually going to just flip out.” I wonder if that dead deer on the wall bore witness to the last time this skinny Croatian dude flipped out. Steve the Hype might know for sure.
Amber says that Roy’s hand on her waist “felt right” and that Diego is the bad boy type that she’s dated before. It’s a bit embarrassing that my girlfriend isn’t standing up for me more, Diego tells his Dad. Amber gushes that Roy is the kind of guy who would be a wonderful father, a wonderful husband. Diego is mad that “some chump” is taking up all his opportunities to be with Amber and he’s having a hard time being a nice guy about it. I think this couple is probably learning the most from being on this show, and I sincerely hope that the thing that Diego learns is not that beating the crap out of someone in Mexico will land you in the pokey, and that the cockroaches in a Mexican prison pass for meals.
Carolyn watches Jayre meet both Teneshia and Amanda and declare that every day is like Christmas for him in Cabo. Amanda says “I don’t care if his girlfriend feels threatened. If she feels threatened, that’s her problem.” This is the tip of the iceberg for Carolyn, as she truly flips out when she sees the video of Eva in the hot tub asking Jayre if misses his girlfriend. Carolyn storms out of the room and runs off crying, saying: “the only one who cares about me is me, I’m finished.” And folks, so is this recap. Sorry it was so late. Sorry it is so long. And you thought from Love Story that recapping meant never having to say “you’re sorry.” Mantenna will be doing the heavy lifting with the next episode, and we’ll both be back for the reunion show. I’m leaping over to cover Outback Jack with Ilikai (why yes, I AM the lucky female writer who gets to collaborate with all of the male writers at the FORT, don’t ask just how I rate) so join us again for more Ultimate Love Test and hey, give Next Action Star and Outback Jack a spin too. Why not, everything except reality shows are in repeats.