Episode 4 Recap: It's All About the Ice Man
Temptation Island 3: It’s All About the Ice Man
Bill and LG with you again. I am in italics as usual, and LG gets to use normal font. I need a better agent.
Anyway, we are recapping another week of Little House on the Pra… what’s that LG? Oh, sorry. Yes, Temptation Island. I know, it doesn’t seem like Temptation Island, but it is. I mean, look, right over there is Mark, and he is he is showing videos and everything.
Sure, an episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants has more adult entertainment value than this show so far, but LG and I are patient reality veterans. After all, this is FOX. There are only three sure things in life. Taxes, death, me being alone on a Saturday night, and sex on FOX reality shows. Wait, that’s four… hmmm… math never was a strength of mine. But back to the point, there is no way we are giving up now.
On with the show. It is Day 8, and let’s check in with LG over at the ladies resort.
Thanks, Bill! Over at the coupled ladies resort we’ve got yoga and deep thoughts. Kara in particular has a “lot to think about” because she saw video of some blonde hanging all over Jason. To Kara, it looks like he’s developing something “physical,” as opposed to the “intellectual” connection with Jeff that Kara has been developing. Stop snickering, Bill, that’s what she said. Yup, Jeff is deep. He and Kara must have been collaborating on a theorem for cold fusion together in her room when we last saw them. I’m sure “look, there are the next Nobel Prize for Physics winners” is what Jason thought when he saw the video of Kara and Jeff at his last bonfire.
Melissa saw Mike-ho touching girls “not like a friend” and snotty coupled gal Kristin, who always has to lord her superiority over the other coupled girls, chips in that she thinks that she’d be mad if she saw Eric doing what Melissa saw Mike-ho doing. Well, you won’t really know how you’d feel if you keep avoiding watching tape of Eric, won’t you Krissy.
Meanwhile on the guys side, Michael is lamenting his difficult situation. Sandra likes him, but as soon as she went ga ga over him, he lost interest. He confesses that he likes spending time with Tiffany, but he just can’t figure out why they are fighting over him.
Poor Michael, he is just so misunderstood.
But then, like getting his Victoria’s Secret catalog in the mail, a fantasy hits him… “It’s a jungle here, only the strong survive.” He compares it to a war, and I can envision a line of guys in Iraq lining up for a transfer. Please send me to that war Sarge! Finally, he thinks there may be fights over him!
He mentions the potential fights in a laughing, hopeful way. I am sure in his thoughts, the fights involve lingerie and pillows, and there are no casualties, except for someone’s innocence.
I think it might be time to dial down the medication Michael.
Our host Mark Wahlberg appears, a vision in a blue dress shirt with a white t-shirt poking out underneath. Wish I were playing peak-a-boo under Mark’s clothes. Oh, sorry Bill, little tangent there. Ladies dates . . . right.
Things had been quite chummy amongst the coupled ladies despite Kristin’s holier than though attitude at bonfires, right up until it was time to pick their next round of dates. Even though they’d only been on one official date, some of the coupled ladies had been honing their “intellectual connections” with “special” single guys, and Stephanie had been spending her time with Derrick. Kristin gets first pick of the guys and selects Derrick. Stephanie is shooting darts at Krissy with her eyes.
The next thing we see is Single Guy Ryan, acting as the narrator, saying that the girls were all friends, but things are getting catty now. Hmmm, since when is Surf Photographer Ryan the narrator of this show? I guess it was his prize for being the Last Ryan Standing at the coupled ladies side of the island.
Kristin and Derrick go horseback riding and then have a picnic. Kristin proclaims Derrick “intriguing” and Derrick, well, he doesn’t get a chance to get a word in edgewise because Kristin is talking about her favorite topic: Kristin. There is some pretty darn funny editing of clip after clip of Kristin talking about herself and Derrick sitting and nodding, bored out of his gourd. He gets an aside in which Derrick wishes he won’t have to date Kristin again right after she raves about what a great conversation they are having. Of course it’s a fascinating talk, Kristin, when you’re doing all the talking. Shesh.
Stephanie was pretty steamed that Kristin was horning in on her action with Derrick. So who does Stephanie pick? Why, Jeff, who has been glued to Kara’s arm ever since Jason showed the slightest sign of falling for Jeff’s punk-ass act. Kara’s not amused.
Stephanie and Jeff’s date in on some little boat. Stephanie wanted to see what Kara was talking about, as apparently she had been bragging up Jeff’s “intellectual” qualities. Jeff says that he thinks he has more in common with Stephanie than Kara, and hopes that he’s going to spend more time with Stephanie. That could cause some controversy. Oh wait, controversy isn’t allowed, as that would make this show more interesting.
It’s Melissa’s turn to pick and she’s unsure whether to pick bad-boy Jerome or his nicer pal Sterling. What to do. Oh the drama. Sadly, this is one of the more dramatic moments of tonight’s show. Melissa picks Sterling, and then proceeds to spend a good chunk of her date with Sterling talking about Jerome. Lucky Sterling. Actually, this date looks rather fun, as they’re riding around on “banana boats” and that has me singing the Banana Boat song in my head Daaaaayyyoooo, Daaaaayyyooo! Daylight come and I wanna watch Temptation Island.
Kara was not sure who to pick since her main squeeze, Jeff, has already been snapped up by Stephanie. She picks Guiles, who looks rather pleased to be picked, but in her voiceover she says she picked him because he’s like a brother and she’s not looking for a “romantic time.” Hmmm, intellectual interaction equals romance. I’ll try to think of that the next time I’m reading the Internal Revenue Code, because Code is damn sexy. Nope, not working.
Kara and Guiles go kayaking, and he’s done up his hair in some bizarre many little pony tails sticking straight out look. Good thing it was Kara who views him as a brother and not me, because I’d knock that stupid hairdo right off his head if he were wearing it like that next to me on national TV. What are you thinking?!?!? *BIFF*
Well, so far the ladies seem pretty well behaved LG. How disappointing. Only one thing left to do, dump a bunch of alcohol into the guys evening party, and hope for the best.
The Michael love triangle is getting sorted out. Sandra reads the writing on the wall, but I guess she didn’t use Hooked On Phonics, as she wants to know for sure that she has been dumped. I mean Michael running off all the time with Tiffany might just mean that he is playing hard to get. Right?
Michael is confronted by Sandra, who wants to know if he is physically attracted to Tiffany. Uhm, gee Sandra, have you ever heard the phrase ‘don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to’? Oh wait, maybe that phrase is, ‘do you have eyes woman!?’
He lets her down gently in the kind and considerate trademark Michael way. Then he trashes her in confessional. He wants her to get over him, and “keep it moving!” You do know all of this will be shown on TV right Michael? They told you that right?
He does like Tiffany. Tiffany likes him. Tiffany says, “We haven’t talked about his girlfriend, just us. This is about to happen.” Cut to a scene of Michael with his hands on her stomach.
Meanwhile, Anthony and Ashley are getting to know each other, and it involves the most basic of human mating rituals, the incessant flirtations that only the two people involved can stand to hear. He has a pretty smile. She has a pretty smile. “His eyes speak to me”. His eyes talk? Hmmm… sounds like a personal problem Ashley, maybe you should grab some of Michael’s meds.
Finally, in the hammock, Anthony and Ashley lie intertwined and then hide themselves beneath a pillow. I am guessing at least a kiss, if not, then some sort of weird Caribbean complexion check. What do you think LG?
I think Stephanie could at least be happy that Anthony and Ashley were holding that pillow up over their faces instead of over other body parts, as that would lead to higher ratings, and FOX doesn’t want that. And I’m having Big Brother 3 flashbacks of Roddy and Chiara in the hammock. Ish. Ok, it’s fine if they keep it clean, but anything that reminds me of Chiwhora is not good.
It is Day 9. Yup, over halfway done now.
At breakfast, Michael shows up late. He is clearly hung over, and why not, he didn’t get to bed until 6am. Then he mentions that he didn’t actually go to sleep until 7am. Hmmm… did you do the deed Michael?
It is time for the guys to vote on eliminations. There is a huge difference now between how the men handle their votes compared to the ladies. The women agonize over it, and take some time. The guys, pretty much hand it off to Jason, and he quickly boots Kristin and Melanie, without hesitation. The guy is the grim reaper.
Kristin says that they didn’t “conversate” with her. I am guessing that is talk, but who knows, it might mean participate in an Amway meeting or something. Melanie’s self esteem didn’t really take a hit, as she says “they didn’t deserve” to be with her. Okay…
Back at the Ladies side of the island they’re about to go through another round of eliminations, and before they leave Jerome is pleading his case to Melissa, the only one who would bother to keep him around as he’s managed to annoy everyone else except Sterling. Sporting a very stylish sports jersey with the number 5 emblazoned on it many times, he’s the skinny man’s Ruben Studdard as he’s only got girth for a single digit. Jerome is rude, and talks over people, and he’s got a shaved head but caterpillars for eyebrows. Sounds like a real catch.
Melissa gets some “picking” advice from either Ian or Ryan, I can’t remember and can’t read my notes. Anyone? Ian or Ryan tells Melissa: “Whomever you want to stay, make sure you pick them.” It’s profound, and it’s also the theme for this series. Do what you want. Ok, now for the pickins’
Mark joins the ladies and tells them that yet another single guy needs to check out of Paradise Hotel. Oh wait, that’s a different show, and a more exciting one at that. But one of the single guys will be leaving. This time Mark is wearing a short-sleeved turquoise shirt that highlights his eyes. Ah yes, back to the show.
The ladies will need to save the guys they want to stay, as that leads to gratification action back at the ranch. Kara saves Jeff. I wonder if Kara hadn’t saved him, would Stephanie have stepped up? We don’t know, because Stephanie goes second and saves Ian. Melissa picks Sterling (not Jerome). Kristin saves Guiles.
What’s next? A second round. Ok, it’s Kara’s choice and she saves Ryan. Stephanie picks Eric. Melissa has a really long, overly dramatic pause. Melissa cries. Melissa says she feels like an idiot. Trust me Melissa, you look like one on it too. She finally decides to save Jerome. Other people roll their eyes. I don’t get that reaction, as everyone else gets two picks, why shouldn’t Melissa? Of all people she should be able to have a guy or two around that she’s interested in, because everyone knows what a man-whore her boyfriend is, so she could be spending her time now lining up dates for after the show ends. Kristin gets last pick and saves Michael land sends Chris packing.
After the elimination ceremony, Jerome and Melissa snuggle in a hammock, trying to get to know each other now. That’s big of him, now that Melissa nearly had a nervous breakdown keeping you on the show, try talking to the girl. Melissa claims he’s much nicer one on one than he is in groups. Melissa, honey, a decent guy will be nice in public too, not just when there is no-one else around to impress besides you. Still though, Melissa should get her say of who she wants to stay just as much as anyone else. Anyway, what is going on with those guys. Bill?
It’s time for the guys to head off to bonfire. Anthony is nervous. I think he is feeling guilty now.
They meet up with Mark, and he informs us that tonight is a little different. The women will be seeing a must play clip, while the guys get the option to watch, without the women knowing that they looked.
This is clearly an attempt to break up the Kristin and Eric deal to not watch. Would it work?
No. Eric keeps his word. Mark looks sad.
Yes, Mark looks a little disappointed that Eric didn’t take the bait, but Mark looks good with a furrowed brow. Oh, sorry Bill, back to your fascinating description of the men’s bonfire.
Anthony wants to see his, and Michael practically trips over himself begging to watch. I think he is hoping someone else someone else joins him on the slime side soon. The clip starts, and we see Stephanie spending time with Derrick again. Chris comments that he thinks Stephanie “has it for Derrick” but we see little incriminating evidence on the tape. Anthony isn’t worried. “He’s nothing.” Then he mockingly says “maybe he has something to say”, but he doubts it.
Jason chooses to pass. He really toned it down this episode. Not sure what is going on with him.
I think they’re called mood stabilizing drugs, Bill, you know, like Prozac, but I don’t want to keep messing up your report, so carry on.
Michael is last, and he is definitely watching. We see Melissa and Jerome hanging out again. Then someone comments that they saw Melissa take her necklace off. Finally, a partially obstructed shot of Melissa on a patio with Jerome, and while they tried to make it look like kissing, Michael figured out that it was whispering. Now with the way they are sitting, whispering or kissing is a small difference, but Michael is grabbing on to whatever he can at this point, and I don’t just mean that in the metaphorical sense.
Michael is not worried. He says he doesn’t believe the necklace story. Further, he says his nickname is Ice Man, and he can’t be broken that easily. Talk to me Goose…
Mark then says one of the most bizarre comments I’ve heard yet on a reality tv dating show, and after surviving “I’ve got Lawyer in me!” and a host of other strange comments, this one takes the cake. Mark tells Eric and Jason, who declined to view the videos of their girlfriends: “You’re riding the way you want to ride it.” OK then. Saddle up, boys, it’s time to head the posse back to the hacienda and check up with the booze-soaked floozies.
We go to commercial. I am sick of previews for the new FOX drama Skin. We get it already! Forbidden love, wrong side of the tracks, cheesy FOX plots. No more previews are needed. In fact, just let Romeo and Juliet take the poison, and let’s move on.
Bill, I’m digging the theme song for Skin that they are playing in all those ads. The show will probably suck, but that’s what I thought about The O.C. after seeing a million ads for it during Paradise Hotel this summer, but it’s actually a decent show. Ok, I’m busted watching teeny-bopper programming, but Fox is my favorite channel. It’s got cheesy reality TV shows, football, That 70s Show, hell, maybe I’ll just watch Fox from now on.
Oh, back to the recap, and it’s time for the ladies bonfire. Rather than individual tapes, this week the ladies get a group clip and it’s a “must view”. Note that it is not “must see tv” as Fox doesn’t want to have to pay royalties to NBC. Michael is all over the video, groping everyone in sight. Anthony is in the hammock with Ashley. Jason’s in the hot tub. Eric is smoking a cigarette and blowing the smoke in the air. More for Kristin to be smug about, super. Everyone else’s boyfriend is interacting with women like horny teenagers, but Eric’s regressed to earlier than high school and is smoking in the boys room back in junior high. Yeah Kristin, be real proud about appearing on Temptation Island.
Stephanie knows Anthony likes “nice girls” and thinks that Ashley seems more his type. She thinks Anthony looks happy. Isn’t that special?
Kara noticed that Jason was in the hot tub with the same woman he was with before and states “it looks like he’s made a friend” but wonders if it is more than friendship.
Melissa of course took the brunt of it, having been silly enough to be in a relationship with Mike-ho. Melissa sputters a couple of times “I don’t want to do this again” which leads me to believe that Melissa has caught Michael cheating on her before. Melissa wonders “What’s going on in his head?” calls Michael a jerk, wants to throw her necklace in the fire, and correctly assesses her clips as “the worst.” I guess worst if you’re a part of a couple on the show. In Fox’ opinion, they’re the top of the pops. Mark probes Melissa again, just for kicks, and she said “I told Michael to follow his heart” and I surmise he’s following an entirely different bodily organ. Melissa and Mark agree that Melissa is going to be alright, and at least one regular reader of our recaps has offered to help her pick up the pieces. Hey Melissa, send us an email and we’ll hook you up with some fans.
Next week, women release a little frustration, both with the guys and each other. Michael continues to be… well… Michael. Plus, the women have to wear headphones because their bonfire video is to graphic for… what? The palm trees around them?
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