Temptation Island: 8/28 Premier Episode - It's All About the Love

[Bill]

Temptation Island
8/28 Premier Episode

It’s All About the Love

Welcome to the premier episode of the latest season of Temptation Island. We are your FORT recappers, Bill_in_PDX and LG. and we’ll be sharing recapping duties this season. Bill will be reporting from the coupled guys’ perspective, while LG will be following the coupled ladies in their adventures on the other side of the island with the single dudes. We get an exciting new intro featuring a lightening storm over a tropical island with lots of tidbits from future episodes.

Bill here, and this is my first foray into the great “experiment” that is Temptation Island. LG is the veteran, and I am the rookie, but I shall do my best to learn quickly. All the couples assure us that they are confident their relationship is strong, and that they look forward to learning about it on the island. Yes, TI is known for it’s relationship building. I wonder how long these feelings will last?

The other thing that quickly jumps out about this show is that there is nary a camera shot that doesn’t start or end on some bare body part. Not that I am complaining mind you.

Let’s meet the couples:

Melissa and Michael – These two are both models err… a bartender and promoter… from Long Island. Apparently the modeling isn’t working out to well for this former Miss New York, as she still lives at home, at age 29. Michael is on the same housing plan himself, so he has no room to throw stones. Melissa is sure about Michael, but he is younger than her (he is 25), so she feels this will be a good test of their future. If any couples are going to split, my prediction is that it is this one.

Kristin and Eric – Eric is 25, and a caterer. He looks older than that though, not that he is a bad looking guy at all. Meanwhile, Kristin is 21 and a student. They met in college. According to their bio’s, they have been dating for 3 and a half years. That means that Eric pretty much snatched up Kristin her first day on campus, or maybe she got him as part of her tuition assistance program?

LG picks up now to brief us on the remaining two couples.

From Chicago (home of Paradise Hotel’s Toni) we meet Anthony and Stephanie. Dating for 3 years, living together for 6 months. She’s putting on makeup. They met in a bar, and just like in the movies everything stood still for Anthony when he first saw her in the bar. She admits that she starts fights on purpose, how mature, and Anthony speculates that she does it just to get makeup sex. Yeah, that’s the ticket, Tony.

From Las Vegas, we meet Kara and Jason. He has pictures of “dream girls” on his wall (again, what adults do that?) and has nasty tattoos on his shoulders. It’s ok, because Kara’s got a huge nose and an ugly tattoo on her back. He has a copy of Kara’s page in a bikini calendar, but it’s not on his wall with the other pin-up girls. She says he isn’t ready for a real relationship. Kara says that Jason “needs to be sure, like I am” about their relationship. Good idea, then, coming on this show.

Separated from each other they will mix and mingle and date 28 singles specifically selected to entice them. We get to see Mark L. Wahlberg in khakis and a light blue short sleeved shirt, looking damn fine, standing on the beach, welcoming us to Temptation Island. How YOU doin’, Mark?

I’ll tell you how he is doing. The poor guy decided to host Anything for Love as a holdover between Island stints. Given that career choice, and his recurring role on this fiasco, I am reminded of the Grail Knight in Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade, “You have chosen poorly.”

Oh, you weren’t really asking me that were you? Sorry, keep going please.

Couples are on the plane, flying towards the island. Kara and Jason are kissy kissy on the plane and Kara says she can’t picture him “hooking up with” someone else. Well I sure can, because I’ve seen the ads for this series. Anthony gets a headache just thinking about Stephanie dating someone else. I get a headache thinking we might need to type out “Anthony and Stephanie” every time we refer to this couple, so some shorter nicknames are in order. Michael says that he loves Melissa so much, that if she finds someone “better” than him, he’d rather see her happy with someone else than unhappy with him. That’s odd, because an unhappy mate is generally my goal in relationships. Mark greets the couples and then asks them about rules. Everyone looks a little sheepish because they hadn’t really thought about it. “No running naked on the beach,” proclaims Melissa, but others seemed rather “open” to the experience. Let’s just remember that there are cameras in them there palm trees, kiddies.

The singles arrive. First, a boat full of shirtless men, and LG’s wondering where she can order up one of those for her next party. Mark asks the coupled guys how confident they are feeling with the half naked guys parade around them. Everyone agrees it is a good looking group of guys, and that the coupled ladies will have fun. The tempters / single guys wander off and a boat of bikini clad women arrives and proceeds to parade around them to a collection of death glares from the coupled gals.

I give you this bracelet as a token of my intention to cause infidelity . . . The single ladies give a bracelet to the coupled lady of the guy they found most attractive. Melissa got none (poor Michael has no fans based on first impressions), Kristin received 3, Stephanie got 4, and Kara is heaped with 7 bracelets. That’s right, exactly half of the temptresses are gunning for Jason. Apparently less is more when it comes to hair and attractiveness for the temptresses. Kara proclaims “it’s all in good fun” and giggles that Jason will have a good time on the show.

The guys do the same thing and it is a little more evenly divided as Eric got 4, Michael got 3, Anthony got 6, and Jason got 1. Trying to save face, Jason says that the one guy interested in Kara is “probably the best looking of the guys there.” Jason thought that he was going to get another bracelet as Jeff leaned over like he was going to hand Jason one, but then Jeff did a junior high “psyche!” move and pulls his hand away, leaving Jason looking like a chump with his hand out. Jason looks really pissed, and Jeff is taunting him, reminding me of Nelson from The Simpsons. Ha ha. What a jerk.

Mark gives them 5 minutes to say goodbye, and with that smarmy charm that I’ve missed since the our last visit to Temptation Island, Mark reminds them that their final kiss at the end of this 5 minutes may be their last kiss ever! They also get matching necklaces to wear. Lots of smooching and hair stroking going on, then Mark calls them all back. Kristin tells Eric that they will figure things out so that everything will be great and they can have puppies. Um, ok. That of course could preclude them from being eligible for future editions of Temptation Island, as not even Fox would want to be responsible for breaking up the relationship of puppy co-parents. The temptresses take the coupled guys off down the beach. Stephanie was mad at herself watching Anthony cry as they were leaving. Michael’s stomach dropped watching Melissa walk away. They must have been viewers of the first two seasons of this show because they were expecting a later separation, as I was certainly expecting some tearful final dinner for the couples with a late night separation by moonlight.

Michael got over it pretty quickly though, as he went on a one man quest to change his perception that first night. He was strutting, he was flexing, and likely, he was annoying. Oh, and he wasted no time dropping the news that his girlfriend wants babies… now!... Yes, the dreaded biological clock is ticking, and Michael is not sure if he is ready for that. Talk about rolling out the read carpet Mike, nice work!

Meanwhile back at the coupled ladies’ camp, Melissa is talking about thinking “what is Michael doing now?” and Kara is also wondering about Jason’s state of mind. It doesn’t appear that the women were “fraternizing” with the tempters like the guys were with the temptresses. Maybe the guys are too busy getting tanked on free booze and hanging out with each other to tempt the ladies the first evening there.

Meet the singles: Hey, I will go ahead and volunteer to grab the ladies, because that is the kind of guy I am.

Tanaya – No, that is not a typo, that’s her name. She is 26 and from SoCal. She is looking for someone to put out her flames. Hmmm, maybe you should try Tinactin or something like that, Tanaya.

Erryn – 21, a waitress from Kansas City. Yet another strange spelling of the name Erin… or is that Aaron? Or Eryn? Can you guess that she did absolutely nothing of note on the show so far?

Eve – Is 28, and a stunt woman from Minneapolis. Who knew they needed stunt women in Minneapolis? She only tells the guys that she likes to jump off buildings and set herself on fire. Tanaya is immediately upset, thinking, “Hey! That on fire bit was my line!” Oh, and Eve doesn’t say so, but I assume she loves cheese.

Derrick – 21, model from Big Lake, MN, says he’s here to date your girlfriends. Says that he will “do anything” if he thinks there is something there. I can tell he’s from Minnesota because his eyes look like piss-holes in snow. And to think he’s a model.

Ian – 23, New Orleans, very unique and very adventurous, wearing very flowery shorts, with an unusually short intro.

Mike – 29, a well spoken African American man is such a humanitarian, he’s “Here to help you find the answers to the questions you came here to address.” Ah, thanks Mike.

Jon – 25, inline skater from Minnesota, looks like a goofball and has underwear sticking out of his shorts. He falls down while walking up to introduce himself. Says that he once defended an Amazon village using only a glass of water and a pick axe. I once tried to cure a killer hangover using similar implements with not very satisfying results, Jon.

Ida – Is 24 and from Toronto eh. Where every night is Saturday night eh. See, that is the problem with the metric system, it screws up the days of the week. I know if we switched here in PDX, I undoubtedly would be stuck on Monday morning.

Kaileen – A graphics designer from Diamond Bar, California, she is 25. She is also quite a hottie.

Kristin – You can’t have too many models in a reality TV show, and this one is 22 and from Kansas City.

Maria – She lets us know that she is representing Miami. The whole city I guess. She is 25, and works as an actress/model when she isn’t out representin’.

Jerome - 26 from Fort Lauderdale, he loves his Mommy and interior design (not that there is anything wrong with that) and then he talks trash that if you want some season, holler! If you win you win, if you lose, your girl is coming home with me. I hope you’ve got a big boat to get back from the island with 4 formerly coupled women then Jerome, as there are generally no “winners” on this show.

Ryan – 22, surf photographer from California, wearing red shorts and very little airtime in his intro.

Scott - 25, applying for LAPD and wants to be a SWAT guy. Maybe he is saying that because he wants us to think that of Colin Ferrell when we look at him. It ain’t working, Scott.

Sterling - 25, a model, a distinguished Omega gentleman from Nashville. There are a lot of people to try to keep track of here.

Ashley – This 22 year old from South Carolina sells fitness equipment. She tells us that she believes in love at first sight. I wonder whom she has fallen for already?

Melanie – A waitress from LA, she is 23 and enjoys big hoop earrings. She tells us that the day of intros was her birthday, and she wants her present! Sorry, Melanie, you are already on the show, so no one can give you your self respect back as a gift.

Kelly Ann – Is a 24 year old retail manager, also from LA. She looks like Lisa Kudrow.

Amy – Comes to us from West Virginia. She is 23 and is a teacher. We can only hope that she upholds the highest levels of professional conduct, much like Heidi did on Survivor. No really, quit laughing…

Jeff - 23, small business owner, says he’s a very sincere person and “if I like you, you’ll know that I like you” but this is the guy who was a jerk to Jason earlier.

Ryan – 26 from Michigan, flowery shorts and no way to keep him straight from the other Ryans. Damn that Bachelorette show, all the guys want to be Ryan now.

Ryan – 23 from Santa Monica, yet another Ryan with no distinguishing characteristics.

Keith - 28, a construction worker from Kansas City who knows how to use his tools. Maybe he is a tool. That remains to be seen.

Chris – 27, claims to be the All American Boy who knows how to treat a woman right.

Guilio - they call me Guiles, and I’m from Queens (no kidding), claims he has been practicing for this his whole life. Like Chris, Guiles knows how to treat a woman because he loves his mother. I hope he doesn’t love his mother like he might love the women on this show. That’s just wrong, man.

Sandra – Is a 23 year old actress / dance instructor, from Los Angeles. She says she is blonde, but we shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover. So what are you saying Sandra? That you dye your hair?

Corie – The elder stateswoman of this group, 30 year old Corie is a respiratory therapist from Las Vegas. So far, she is playing the game under the radar . . . which is great for Big Brother, but not quite so effective here.

Tiffany – Finally, we come to Tiffany, who is an admin assistant from Boca Raton. She is 23, and ready to rumble!

Time to pick the forbidden fruit. Like last season, each coupled guy picks a tempter that he wants to block from his girlfriend, and vise versa for the ladies. Anthony picks Derrick, but says he’s not worried about it. Stephanie picks Tiffany. Jason picks Jeff because he was an ass to Jason yesterday. Jeff is grinning like a maniac. Jason looks really, really mad. Kara picks Amy. Jason says Kara shouldn’t be threatened like any of the ladies because none of them look like Kara. He’s right, none of the temptresses have big honking noses. Eric picks “big Ryan” as apparently even on the show itself they don’t have any better way to keep all the Ryan’s straight. Eric picked this particular Ryan because he seems like a nice guy. Kristin picks Maria because she looks likes she’s confident and has an awesome personality. Michael picks Ian. Melissa blocks Tanaya, and Michael says that he credits her choice as a good block.

These eight are immediately sent to the boats on the dock. Jeff is still talking trash. He says that he’s not interested in Kara, as he likes intelligent girls and she can’t be intelligent because she’s got a big monkey of a boyfriend. Nice manners. I don’t think it’s editing, as Jeff, he seems like a real asshole. Pretty sure wee haven’t seen the last of Jeff.

Back in the boys camp the next morning, Michael continues his quest to be THE most popular man on Temptation Island. He is doing aerobics with the ladies, he is spending time with the ladies, he lets us know that he loves all of the ladies. He admits that he would have been very tempted by Tanaya, and it is probably good she isn’t here… or is she? Michael is well on his way to becoming this season’s man slut.

Meanwhile, Jason is still reeling from the confrontations with Jeff, and the realization that there are 14 guys gunning for his girlfriend. He misses Kara. Then why the hell are you here Jason? A little less time in the tattoo parlor, and a little more time thinking about these things would have come in handy I think.

Stephanie says that she didn’t pick the temptress that she felt was the biggest threat for Anthony’s heart because that “defeated the purpose of the show” and that her “biggest competition” is still here, but Stephanie doesn’t reveal which temptress she fears the most. Temptresszilla, eeeek, grab torches and run away.

The guys gather around Mark, and he has a surprise for them (though not much of a shocker for those of us at home). Those four guys they thought were leaving were in fact selected to be the first dates for the ladies. Just as they feared.

There is quiet tension around the fire as the news sinks in. Mark, ever helpful, wonders what could help ease that tension? Oh, I know, lets bring the four guys on right in front of the coupled men so they can gloat!

Jeff is laughing like a hyena. What a psycho.

You are right LG, it appears Jeff will enjoy his role of shattering other people’s relationships. I guess we all have to have goals in life. Someday, Michael wants to move out of his parents house, while Jeff likes stealing other people’s girlfriends. I wonder how that looks on a resume? Relationship Destruction Engineer?

I am sure things will heat up quickly, starting next week. LG?

Join us next week as the girls find out about the big twist, the couples date their forbidden fruit, and then the guys get their first glimpse of their girlfriends at the bonfire video review. Your comments are welcome, email: lurkinggirl@fansofrealitytv.co m or bill_in_pdx@fansofrealitytv.co m .

[Google]

 

[fluff]

Apparently the modeling isn’t working out to well for this former Miss New York, as she still lives at home, at age 29. Michael is on the same housing plan himself

Tanaya – No, that is not a typo, that’s her name. She is 26 and from SoCal. She is looking for someone to put out her flames. Hmmm, maybe you should try Tinactin or something like that, Tanaya.

Michael is well on his way to becoming this season’s man slut.

Meanwhile, Jason is still reeling from the confrontations with Jeff, and the realization that there are 14 guys gunning for his girlfriend. He misses Kara. Then why the hell are you here Jason? A little less time in the tattoo parlor, and a little more time thinking about these things would have come in handy I think.

Jeff is laughing like a hyena. What a psycho.

Great job guys

I have a feeling this will be the most entertaining season yet.

[mimi]

VERY funny recap ... thanks for some good laughs! I agree with Fluff; this season will most definitely be very entertaining, and quite possibly the best one yet!

[MajiH]

OMG That rocked, you guys. Piss holes in the snow. FANTASTIC!

[springkey]

this is as good as watching the show on tv~

[hollywoodbarbie]

I agree with Springkey ...you guys recapped the first episode brilliantly.It's going to be a great season!

[LG.]

thanks for posting, Bill. I love your line about Kristin being part of the tuition assistance program.

[voyager265]

Thanks for the great review. I don't have time for another reality show so I will be doing this one just from your reviews and if the first one is any indication then I will enjoy them more than I would have the show. Keep up the great work.