Paulie's Precaps - Episode 11: A Chock-Full Lecture For A Perceptive Man

[Paulie]

Hello, my old friend! I’m sorry I was unable to greet you at the door as usual, but as you can see, I’m in no condition to be moving about. Oh, it’s nothing permanent, I assure you. Just a common consequence of viewing the future too much. Sort of a carpal tunnel syndrome for the brain. When I’ve spent too many consecutive hours divining the future, my brain sometimes enters this frozen state as it attempts to regain some measure of contact with the present-time world of reality. The best analogy I can think of is when you’ve eaten too much ice cream too quickly and you get a brain freeze. That’s exactly what’s going on here, except for the fact that these brain freezes have an accompanying physical component, a particularly embarrassing one, I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s bad enough that the muscles in your face go completely haywire, resulting in this horrifying never-ending scream you now see locked into position on my normally-tranquil countenance. No, the real humiliation comes about when your arms and legs lock into place like twin steel girders, and you must be leaned against the wall by your first customer of the day in order to have even a chance at finishing off your schedule of appointments before midnight. I’ll tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you’re temporarily paralyzed and leaning against a wall. I’ve had some customers offer me food and drink, which has been an exceptional response since I couldn’t otherwise obtain sustenance in any way. But other unpleasant and belligerent clients have seen fit to hang things off my nose or push me to the floor to see if I truly am unable to break my fall. I foresee black eyes and other bruises in their future when this temporary brain freeze passes. But enough about my problems. Please have a seat so we can discuss the next episode of Survivor:All-Stars. Oh, don’t worry about me. I can see the cracked crystal ball just fine from this position. In fact, I can see the title shimmering into shape deep within it. It’s

A Chock-full Lecture For A Perceptive Man

It’s a calm, pitch-black night in the Pearl Islands. The final eight members of the newly-christened Chaboga Mogo tribe have returned from Tribal Council. The shelter is still incomplete so some of the group have elected to sleep on the beach. Others, namely Boston Rob and Amber, have decided to not sleep on the beach, although they apparently don’t want anything to do with the shelter, either. They appear to be having a heated non-verbal discussion.

A tree branch snaps nearby, then a startled “Whumph!” is heard as someone stumbles to the ground. “Rooob!” a voice hisses out of the darkness.

Rob rolls away from Amber and stares vainly in the direction of the sound. “Hoo’s theah?” he asks.

Out of the blinding darkness, an even darker shape steps forward, dazzling in its utter and complete darkness. “It is I,” the shape says. “Shii Ann.”

Rob rolls his eyes, although this gesture is completely lost on Shii Ann in the previously-mentioned stunning darkness. “Keep wockin’, SHE-Ann,” he says. “This stretch a beach is closed.” He returns to the urgent task of kissing Amber.

“But Rob,” Shii Ann says insistently. “I have information. Secret, devastating knowledge that will bring about the total downfall of my former tribe, the erstwhile Mogo Mogo. I don’t care about their demise. They mean nothing to me now. Surely you noticed my vote for Lex tonight? With that gesture, I denounced my former tribe and embraced your alliance. I will now take my place by your side.” She settles in the sand near Rob and Amber.

Rob scrambles sideways in the dark after feeling the light brush of Shii Ann’s arm as she settles to the ground. “What is the mattah with you, you side-show freak? Get outta heah!”

“Don’t you want to hear all the exciting factual data I have compiled on each remaining member of that doomed tribe?” Shii Ann asks, her voice rising. “I’ve got alliance blocs, voting histories, records of each fight, everything. It’s all up here in my supercomputer of a brain.” She attempts to tap her skull with her index finger, but misses in the crushing darkness. Only the cameraman, with his night vision equipment, catches the sight of her stabbing her own eye.

“SHE-Ann,” Rob says impatiently. “You guys are outnumbahd six to two. Ah you aware of this?”

Shii-Ann laughs nervously. “I find amusement in your characterization of Kathy and myself as ‘you guys.’ As I mentioned earlier, I have cast my lot with the rest of you. Now let’s start with Kathy. I know several fascinating tidbits about her, any one of which could be used to rally support for a game-ending uprising against her.”

Rob lunges out in the darkness. “Awright, SHE-Ann, that’s it!” he yells. “I’m gonna wring yoah neck if you don’t get outta heah imMEDiately! I don’t need yoah help!”

Shii Ann rises silently to her feet. “Very well,” she says gravely. “You have made a catastrophic error in judgement, Rob of Boston. Had you accepted me into your inner circle, we would have assuredly found ourselves seated before the jury when the dust cleared. Now that you have tossed my good will back in my face like so much poisoned oatmeal, I have no choice but to bring about your immediate exit from this game. You will rue the day you made an enemy of Shii Ann Huang! Good day!” She drifts off into the darkness, tripping once more over the fallen tree branch in her retreat.

“Poisoned oatmeal?!” Rob says. “Wheah’d they find that girl?” He shrugs and reaches out in the darkness for Amber.

The next morning, the tribe is interrupted in its half-hearted construction of the new shelter by the arrival of Tree Mail. “All right, everyone!” Rupert calls. “Let’s take a break and go do the Reward Challenge! We’ll get back to the digging later. I want this one to be as deep as possible. In fact, I want to see China if I put my head in that hole. I won’t make the same mistake again. A shallow hole on the beach! What was I thinking?!”

The group piles in the communal canoe and paddles over to Shark Shark Shark Ahhh Help Shark Beach, which, according to legend, was named for the final words of the otherwise obscure European explorer who first discovered the island. Jeff is seated on what looks to be a raised arm-wrestling table. He’s poring over a half-completed crossword puzzle as the Survivors arrive at their mat. He peers over the top of the newspaper at the Chaboga Mogos. “Welcome, welcome, everyone,” Jeff says in a bored monotone. “Maybe you can help me with this puzzle. I’m looking for a 7-letter word for ‘fool.’”

“Big Tawm,” Rob suggests.

“Atcher service!” Tom crows. “Whaddaya want, big feller?”

Jeff stares at the puzzle intently. “Well...it’s the right number of letters if I spell it the way you pronounce it,” he says. “But a conventional spelling is going to come up one letter short. Besides, it doesn’t work with any of the cross letters.”

“How about ‘fool’?” Jenna offers thoughtfully.

Jeff stares at her silently for several seconds, then shakes his head and looks back at the puzzle.

“Hey. Good answer, Jenna,” Amber says supportively, clasping her companion’s forearm.

“The word is ‘deceive,’” Shii Ann says quietly.

“Dumbayass!” Tom exclaims. “It hasta mane stoopid. ‘at’s whut ‘fole’ manes! Ya fole!”

“No, Tom. She’s right. Amazing.” He fills in a few boxes on the puzzle, then folds the paper and puts it in his pocket. “Well, Shii Ann. Too bad for you today’s Reward Challenge has nothing to do with crosswords!” He tosses his head back and releases one sharp bark of laughter. “No, today’s Challenge hearkens back to the days when the Pearl Islands were the world’s leading exporter of thumb-wrestling champions. Little-known fact there about these islands that have been your home all this time. We like to educate around here. It’s the least we can do for nearly starving you to death and letting you be ravaged by weird diseases, all in the interest of television entertainment.”

“’ass raght!” Tom hollers. “Least youk’n do!”

Jeff shakes his head briskly, as if to rid himself of a buzzing gnat. “Anyway,” he says, “here’s how it’s going to work. We’ll have three rounds of single-elimination thumb battling. Winner takes all. To determine how to seed the eight of you properly for this tournament, you will each square off against PITS, the Pearl Island Thumb Simulator, a brilliant training tool devised by the Pearl Islanders back in the days when their thumb-war factory was operating at full capacity. You’ll each get ten rounds against PITS, which will gauge your performance using a complicated evaluation routine and rank you according to your relative skill. After that, the fun begins.” He slides off the edge of the table and drops to the ground. “All the battles will take place right here, including the preliminary matches against PITS.” He reaches under the table and produces a large rubbery hand mounted on a plastic stand with a digital display in front. “Meet PITS, the finest thumb-wrestling simulator in the world. This bad boy whipped Kasparov! Of course, that was back before Kasparov discovered his true calling, but still! Very impressive. Wanna know what you’re playing for?” He grins and jabs his finger excitedly at PITS, his eyebrows raised in anticipation. When the Survivors are silent, Jeff sighs in exasperation. “OK, obviously you get to keep PITS, which is a huge psychological boost this late in the game. AND we’ll slip thisin its open hand.” He holds up a gleaming can of beans. “Worth playing for?” Jeff asks. A few Survivors mutter something. “All right then! Let’s get underway!”

One at a time, each Survivor steps up to be measured by PITS. The limp rubbery fist is a thing of beauty when it’s in operation. As soon as the thumb war is declared (following the standard 4-count preparatory period), the thumb explodes into life like a miniature cobra. Its combined swiftness and strength are an unbeatable combination. None of the Survivors win even a single game against PITS, but the sophisticated ranking algorithm does manage to sort out the better players from the worse ones. At the end of the evaluation period, Rupert has the top seed, and Shii Ann clocks in at #8.

“All right,” Jeff says, setting PITS aside. “Let’s have our 4 and 5 seeds up here. Kathy and Tom. Take your positions.”

The two settle in, glaring at one another threateningly. “Goin’ dowwn!” Kathy says fiercely, pointing at Tom aggressively with her free hand.

Jeff raises one arm. “Survivors ready? Go!”

Together, Tom and Kathy intone the starting mantra for any respectable thumb battle: “One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.” Instantly, both players pull their thumbs back into a defensive posture, retreating as far as possible from the opponent, thumbs erect. After a moment, Kathy lays her thumb defenselessly in the center of the thumb arena. Tom strikes quickly, attempting to end the contest in one stroke. He falls prey to Kathy’s expert execution of the old “turn the tables” maneuver, however. As soon as his thumb makes contact with hers, she slips her thumb out of the way, allowing Tom’s momentum to carry his thumb all the way to the fleshy central arena. With cheetah-like speed, Kathy slaps her own thumb atop Tom’s, pinning it in place. “Grrrahhhhkk!” Tom exclaims in disappointment. In seconds, the game is over, and Kathy moves on. Other first-round winners include Rupert over Shii Ann (which was over before Jeff switched arms), Amber over Jenna, and, in a surprising upset, Alicia over Rob.

In the second round, Alicia dispatches Amber with ease. Then Rupert and Kathy step up. Upon declaring their thumb war, both players adopt a more aggressive “circle the opponents” approach. The two attempt to feel one another out by jabbing and feinting, measuring reactions, forming conclusions. Suddenly, Kathy executes a perfect “can opener,” lifting her fist and forearm to literally gain the upper hand on Rupert. He tries to duck under and use his wrist to push her back down, but that’s exactly how the can opener works. On the attempted pass-through, Kathy brings her own thumb down like an anvil. Rupert squeals in dissatisfaction as Kathy pins him in place. She moves on to the finals to face Alicia.

The final match is a classic in the annals of thumb wrestling. Both players are obviously accomplished veterans, regardless of their showing against the power of PITS. Each woman manages a partial pin of the other, but not long enough to end the match. Alicia tries her own can opener, but it’s clumsy and easily thwarted. Kathy attempts a barrel roll feint, running her thumb quickly through the zone in hopes of luring an attack from her opponent, but Alicia doesn’t bite. Kathy then pulls out the most challenging of thumb wrestling moves, the “rattlesnake.” She cocks her thumb at the first joint and wiggles it up and down, an open invitation to Alicia to knock the thumb down and into a pin position on the down stroke of the rattle. It’s a bold and dangerous play, but it pays off. Alicia lunges at the rattler, but Kathy anticipates her move and darts sideways, arcing her thumb quickly over the top of Alicia’s advancing attack and then carrying the thumb directly down to the arena for the pin.

“Kathy wins Reward!” Jeff calls. He flips PITS to her. As announced, the rubbery fist now clutches a magnificent can of beans. “I’m tempted to bring Shii Ann with me so I can finish this darn puzzle tonight,” he says. “But I know it would be more fun to watch her suffer. So you guys can go.” He pulls the puzzle out of his pocket, smooths it on his leg, and leans on the table to continue working on it. The Survivors look around awkwardly for a second, then decide it’s time to head back.

The next day, Rob and Amber are interrupted from a joint tonsil evaluation by the arrival of Tom and Alicia. “What do you guys want?” Rob asks, wiping his lips with the back of his fist.

“So you’re cutting us loose, huh?” Alicia demands angrily. “Shii Ann the Brain arrives on the scene, and all of a sudden, she’s a better risk than the allies you’ve had since the game began? Nice, Rob. Nice.”

“What ah you tawking about?” Rob asks. “I tode SHE-Ann last night to take a hike!”

“Ah, but that’s not what we heard from Rupert and Jenna,” Alicia continues. “Come on in, guys.”

Rupert and Jenna step out from the trees and walk over to sit in the two chairs that nobody seems to notice were there before. The audience hoots at the arrival of the pair. A caption appears at the bottom of the screen as they settle into their chairs: “Think Boston Rob has broken their alliance to be with Shii Ann.” The audience roars its approval.

Alicia turns to Jenna. “Why don’t you tell us what you’ve heard?” She hands the microphone to Jenna.

Jenna raises her finger in the air as she points at Rob. “So he was all, ‘Let’s go to the Final Four, you and me and Amber and Rupert.’ So I was all, ‘OK.’ Then he’s like, ‘Hey, Shii Ann, vote with me.’ And I’m all ‘Huh?!’ But she was all, ‘I’m gonna win and so forth.’ And so I’m like, ‘You get outta my face with that BLEEP, I swear!’ And she was like ‘Rrrroowwwrrr!’ Which BLEEPed me right the BLEEP off, and I’m all, ‘You wanna piece of me, sista?’ And she’s like, ‘Why don’t you take that up with Rob?’ And I’m like, ‘BLEEP straight, girlfriend!’ So all I want to know, Rob, is ‘What the BLEEP?!’”

The audience whistles and stomps its feet as Alicia retrieves the microphone, her eyes gleaming with excitement. “That doesn’t sound too good for you, Boston Rob!” she says. “How do you answer those charges?”

“I’ll tell ya what I think,” Rob says, his voice high and angry. “I think she’s one stoopid BLEEP if she believes even one wuhd of the BLEEP SHE-Ann is shovelin’.”

Rupert leaps to his feet. “You watch what you’re saying about her!” he roars angrily. “Me and her are an alliance, and we have tribal loyalty and what-not, which is most definitely not what you have, you BLEEPin’ BLEEP weasel BLEEP BLEEP!”

Rob stands up and flips his hands in the air carelessly. “What’s up, homey?” he inquires. “What’s up?!”

Rupert grabs his chair and tosses it at Rob, who ducks sideways and just avoids getting pegged. He charges Rupert, but two Security guys in T-shirts step in and wrestle both him and Rupert to the ground. The audience screams its sheer enjoyment.

At that moment, Shii Ann peeks in from the trees. A caption beneath her flashes on the screen: “Started all this with her lies.” As the audience whoops its approval, she clears her throat. “Um, guys, we need to go to the Immunity Challenge.”

“Ooooooo!” says the audience.

The tribe heads off to Snappin’ Her Fingers Beach, a beautiful island getaway where Eddie Money himself once spent an idyllic vacation. A large stage has been constructed here, with a red curtain hanging down in front. Eight chairs have been set up in front of the stage, and Jeff is sitting in one of them, still hunched over his crossword puzzle, when they arrive. The puzzle itself appears no different than when they’d left him the previous day. When Jeff hears the Survivors behind him, he hops up from the chair and calls everyone in so they can find a seat. He glances quickly at Shii Ann. “Twelve-letter word for ‘Feeds on corpses or carrion’?”

“Necrophagous,” Shii Ann replies. “Rhymes with ‘sarcophagus’.”

“Thanks,” Jeff murmurs as he records the answer. He folds up the puzzle and slips it back in his pocket. “Okay!” he says with a clap of his hands. “Let’s get things rolling here so you can be on your way. I don’t want to look at you any more than you want to be here. Today’s Challenge is a mental Challenge. If you’d like, I could just loop the Immunity Necklace around Shii Ann’s neck now and save us the trouble of having to go through with this whole thing. Anyone? Anyone?” Only Shii Ann raises her hand. “All right then. We’ll do it. Just remember: my money’s on Shii Ann, and I think we COULD’VE all been on our way back to camp at this time. Think about that for a little while.”

The Survivors hang their heads in shame.

“OK, today’s Challenge will test your ability to observe details. In a moment, this curtain will rise, and a well-known reality TV celebrity will make a special presentation for you. No slides, no visual aids, nothing but his voice for, oh, maybe half an hour. Pay careful attention to every word he says. If you’re paying attention, there will be much to learn. If you’re not, you certainly won’t get as much out of it. A chock-full lecture for a perceptive man.” Jeff turns and smiles into the camera. “OR a perceptive woman,” he says, bowing his head deferentially to five-eighths of the remaining contenders. “After hearing the lecture, you’ll be given a quiz. Just a simple twenty-question quiz about what you heard during the speech. Whichever one of you answers the most questions correctly in the shortest period of time wins Immunity. Couldn’t be simpler, could it?”

“It couldn’t be more boring, eithah,” Rob says.

Jeff swings a finger up to point at Rob. “There is no place for that kind of hurtful talk here, Mariano. You just keep pushing me, all right? I want you to. You’ll see what happens.”

“Woooooo!” the audience says.

“All right. Let’s get this show on the road!” Jeff says. He climbs up to the stage and stands there with one arm raised. “Survivors ready? Go!” He switches arms, then runs off stage as the red curtain goes up.

A solitary figure is revealed on stage. The man raises a microphone to his mouth and walks forward to the very lip of the stage. “How are you, Pearl Islands?!” the man asks, then drops his head and holds the microphone out, pointing it at the group of seated Survivors.

“Cestahnino!” Rob shouts. “Why do we hafta listen ta you? Didn’t you finish fifteenth or something like that?”

Amazon Rob flushes briefly before recovering. “You’re listening to me because I’m still the professor of this game, even if I’ve never won it. All of you could learn something from my deep knowledge. I know more ways to win this game than you know how to lose it. So sit back, keep your mouth shut, and try to pick up something useful. All right?”

Boston Rob folds his arms belligerently, but he leans back in his chair and remains silent.

Amazon Rob nods in satisfaction. “Good,” he says. “Let’s get started.” He pauses briefly, then takes a deep breath and begins. “Survivor. The name says it all. It’s not a life or death struggle out here all the time, but it might as well be. When you’re voted off, it feels like the end.”

The lecture continues for some time. As the Survivors battle the urge to fall asleep during the discussion, just snippets of the lecture are heard and understood. Rupert lightly slaps his own face in an effort to ward off sleep. “....our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty....”

Amber pinches the skin on her arms, causing her eyes to briefly shoot open before she again starts to slip into a deep slumber. “....Christmas, Ted, what does that mean to you? I know for me, I wanted to be kicked...in the head...with an iron boot....”

Big Tom slides all the way down in his chair and covers his face with this hat. Before long, he’s snoring so loud the Survivors have to struggle to hear Rob’s lecture. “And so, in conclusion, I *HNNNNKK!* Survivor, and if you think about it, what that really means is *HNNNNNKKK!* there’s no reason why that wouldn’t be the case. Consider a bowl of fruit. Now it doesn’t *HNNNNNKKKK!* could, however, provide some insight into what I’m talking about. So as you *HNNNNKK!* do spend some time thinking about that. You might find it’s the most important I said today. Thank *HNNNNNNNKK!*”

Jeff walks onto the stage, applauding deliberately and attempting to sway the Survivors to do the same, but their facial expressions are glassy. There will be no reaching them for at least a few more moments. After thanking Rob and pointing him to the exit, Jeff turns to the still shell-shocked Survivors. He holds an air horn up to the microphone and lets off a loud blast from it. Tom’s arms shoot out and he falls over backward in his chair. Other Survivors jerk into motion and either cover their ears or simply start running. It does appear, though, that Jeff has caught their attention. “All right, everyone,” he says. “It’s time for today’s Immunity Quiz. There’s a laptop on the ground under your chair. Pick that up and get started. Ready? Go!”

What follows ranks as the most boring footage of Survivor ever recorded on film. Only Shii Ann provides any entertainment value at all as she blasts through the questions almost as quickly as they appear on screen. She finishes answering all twenty questions in a dizzying thirty seconds. The others clock in at various points for the next couple of minutes.

“OK,” Jeff says. “Let’s see who wins Immunity.” He’s set up a laptop of his own with a giant flat-panel monitor that currently shows the All-Stars logo superimposed on an oversized thumb print. “When I type your name, if the screen turns red, you don’t win Immunity. If the screen turns green, however, Immunity is yours. The thumb print on the screen, by the way, refers to yesterday’s hilariously madcap thumb wrestling Challenge. We’re not trying to rip off any other reality television series out there. Huh-uh. No way. We’re not even aware that shows like The Mole even exist. Everybody understand?” He looks coldly at each Survivor in turn. “All right. Let’s start with Rob.” He types in the name, and after a brief pause, the screen turns bright red. “No Immunity for you, Mariano!” Jeff taunts him. He pauses. “Let’s go with Tom.” He types in Tom’s name. The computer instantaneously shifts to red, and recorded peals of laughter burst out of the computer’s speakers. “Hm,” Jeff says. “Looks like the computer is editorializing, Tom. I didn’t know it could do that.” He looks around. “Well, let’s just end the madness. Shii Ann.” He types in her name, and the computer screen quickly goes green. Applause and appreciative whistling are broadcast from the speakers.

Shii Ann walks up to accept the Immunity Necklace, then locks scowls with Boston Rob, who is clearly not happy to see her protected from the next night’s vote.

At the next Tribal Council, Kathy is ejected 7-1. “Sawry, Kath,” Rob says as her torch is snuffed. “It was supposta be huh.” He points at Shii Ann. “’s all right. She’ll join you next time.”

“Yeah, that makes me feel better,” Kathy says. “I’m going to go dance a jig.”

And the visions are gone. I think the brain freeze is passing, too. My legs are starting to feel less like cement and more like jello. No, don’t be alarmed. That’s a good sign! See you next time!

Your comments are welcome. E-mail paulie@fansofrealitytv.com.

[Google]

 

[lalol]

hahahaha how could I ever guess that title
Great job Paulie

[Wenders]

Originally Posted by Paulie

“How about ‘fool’?” Jenna offers thoughtfully.

[Stargazer]

I don't even know where to start. This is one of my favorite Precaps of all time. You'll have to be prepared for some gushing. I laughed my butt off.

Originally Posted by Paulie

I’ll tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you’re temporarily paralyzed and leaning against a wall.

Aint it the truth?

He returns to the urgent task of kissing Amber.

The enitire Shii Ann/Boston Rob scene had me in stiches from beginning to end. I don't dare even quote parts of it for fear of quoting the entire thing. Hilarious!

“

She attempts to tap her skull with her index finger, but misses in the crushing darkness. Only the cameraman, with his night vision equipment, catches the sight of her stabbing her own eye.

She drifts off into the darkness, tripping once more over the fallen tree branch in her retreat.

Ok, maybe a couple quotes from that scene. These visuals made me giggle out loud.

A shallow hole on the beach! What was I thinking?!”

The group piles in the communal canoe and paddles over to Shark Shark Shark Ahhh Help Shark Beach, which, according to legend, was named for the final words of the otherwise obscure European explorer who first discovered the island.

I have to confess to usually just skimming over the beach names. So this was an unexpected laugh. I actually snorted.

“How about ‘fool’?” Jenna offers thoughtfully.

Bwahahahaha!


Too much to quote from the thumb wrestling or talk show scenes either. I was almost on the floor laughing in both of those.

The two attempt to feel one another out by jabbing and feinting, measuring reactions, forming conclusions.

Kathy's battles were the best.

A caption beneath her flashes on the screen: “Started all this with her lies.”

The Survivors hang their heads in shame.

Big Tom slides all the way down in his chair and covers his face with this hat. Before long, he’s snoring so loud the Survivors have to struggle to hear Rob’s lecture. “And so, in conclusion, I *HNNNNKK!* Survivor, and if you think about it, what that really means is *HNNNNNKKK!* there’s no reason why that wouldn’t be the case. Consider a bowl of fruit. Now it doesn’t *HNNNNNKKKK!* could, however, provide some insight into what I’m talking about. So as you *HNNNNKK!* do spend some time thinking about that. You might find it’s the most important I said today. Thank *HNNNNNNNKK!*”

The thumb print on the screen, by the way, refers to yesterday’s hilariously madcap thumb wrestling Challenge. We’re not trying to rip off any other reality television series out there. Huh-uh. No way. We’re not even aware that shows like The Mole even exist. Everybody understand?”

Okay, this madness must end or I'll have the whole thing quoted. As I said, one of my all time favorite Precaps. *wanders off giggling to herself*

[cali]

Loved it Paulie!

I'm actually glad Star quoted so much... I loved everything she quoted and these:

Originally Posted by Paulie

But other unpleasant and belligerent clients have seen fit to hang things off my nose or push me to the floor to see if I truly am unable to break my fall.

Now that you have tossed my good will back in my face like so much poisoned oatmeal,

The ENTIRE Thumb-wrestling bit!


“When I type your name, if the screen turns red, you don’t win Immunity. If the screen turns green, however, Immunity is yours. The thumb print on the screen, by the way, refers to yesterday’s hilariously madcap thumb wrestling Challenge. We’re not trying to rip off any other reality television series out there.

Thanks so much for bringing a smile to my face, and a laugh to my lips

[Bill]

The Jerry Springer audience scene had me

[spegs]

Originally Posted by Paulie

But other unpleasant and belligerent clients have seen fit to hang things off my nose or push me to the floor to see if I truly am unable to break my fall. I foresee black eyes and other bruises in their future when this temporary brain freeze passes.

Out of the blinding darkness, an even darker shape steps forward, dazzling in its utter and complete darkness. “It is I,” the shape says. “Shii Ann.”

Shii-Ann laughs nervously. “I find amusement in your characterization of Kathy and myself as ‘you guys.’ As I mentioned earlier, I have cast my lot with the rest of you.

Now that you have tossed my good will back in my face like so much poisoned oatmeal,

Shark Shark Shark Ahhh Help Shark Beach

Meet PITS, the finest thumb-wrestling simulator in the world. This bad boy whipped Kasparov! Of course, that was back before Kasparov discovered his true calling, but still!

Kathy then pulls out the most challenging of thumb wrestling moves, the “rattlesnake.”

Rob stands up and flips his hands in the air carelessly. “What’s up, homey?” he inquires. “What’s up?!”

Just remember: my money’s on Shii Ann, and I think we COULD’VE all been on our way back to camp at this time. Think about that for a little while.

“There is no place for that kind of hurtful talk here, Mariano. You just keep pushing me, all right? I want you to. You’ll see what happens.”
“Woooooo!” the audience says.

What follows ranks as the most boring footage of Survivor ever recorded on film.

We’re not even aware that shows like The Mole even exist. Everybody understand?” He looks coldly at each Survivor in turn.

“Yeah, that makes me feel better,” Kathy says. “I’m going to go dance a jig.”

Awesome, Paulie! Worth getting up for this morning

[ManySkills]

Originally Posted by Paulie

Tom’s arms shoot out and he falls over backward in his chair.

You made me laugh out loud at work!

I'm a little worried what that says about me, though ...

GREEAT recap!

[Faulkenham]

Hip Hip Hooray for Thursday!

Originally Posted by Paulie

They appear to be having a heated non-verbal discussion.

I will now take my place by your side.”

Had you accepted me into your inner circle, we would have assuredly found ourselves seated before the jury when the dust cleared.

“Let’s take a break and go do the Reward Challenge! We’ll get back to the digging later. I want this one to be as deep as possible. In fact, want to see China if I put my head in that hole. I won’t make the same mistake again. A shallow hole on the beach! What was I thinking?!”

“Maybe you can help me with this puzzle. I’m looking for a 7-letter word for ‘fool.’ “How about ‘fool’?” Jenna offers thoughtfully. Jeff stares at her silently for several seconds, then shakes his head and looks back at the puzzle. “Hey. Good answer, Jenna,” Amber says supportively, clasping her companion’s forearm. “The word is ‘deceive,’” Shii Ann says quietly.
“Too bad for you today’s Reward Challenge has nothing to do with crosswords!” He tosses his head back and releases one sharp bark of laughter. “No, today’s Challenge hearkens back to the days when the Pearl Islands were the world’s leading exporter of thumb-wrestling champions. Little-known fact there about these islands that have been your home all this time. We like to educate around here.”

He holds up a gleaming can of beans.

The next day, Rob and Amber are interrupted from a joint tonsil evaluation by the arrival of Tom and Alicia.

She hands the microphone to Jenna. Jenna raises her finger in the air as she points at Rob. “So he was all, ‘Let’s go to the Final Four, you and me and Amber and Rupert.’ So I was all, ‘OK.’ Then he’s like, ‘Hey, Shii Ann, vote with me.’ And I’m all ‘Huh?!’ But she was all, ‘I’m gonna win and so forth.’ And so I’m like, ‘You get outta my face with that BLEEP, I swear!’ And she was like ‘Rrrroowwwrrr!’ Which BLEEPed me right the BLEEP off, and I’m all, ‘You wanna piece of me, sista?’ And she’s like, ‘Why don’t you take that up with Rob?’ And I’m like, ‘BLEEP straight, girlfriend!’ So all I want to know, Rob, is ‘What the BLEEP?!’”

"you BLEEPin’ BLEEP weasel BLEEP BLEEP!” Rob stands up and flips his hands in the air carelessly. “What’s up, homey?” he inquires. “What’s up?!”
Rupert grabs his chair and tosses it at Rob, who ducks sideways and just avoids getting pegged. He charges Rupert, but two Security guys in T-shirts step in and wrestle both him and Rupert to the ground.

“Twelve-letter word for ‘Feeds on corpses or carrion’?”
“Necrophagous,” Shii Ann replies.

Jeff swings a finger up to point at Rob. “There is no place for that kind of hurtful talk here, Mariano. You just keep pushing me, all right? I want you to. You’ll see what happens.”

He’s set up a laptop of his own with a giant flat-panel monitor that currently shows the All-Stars logo superimposed on an oversized thumb print.

“Hm,” Jeff says. “Looks like the computer is editorializing,

“Yeah, that makes me feel better,” Kathy says. “I’m going to go dance a jig.”

My dear goodness, thumb wrestling, jerry springer, and the mole, I can't take this, I am going to get fired from my job for the ridiculous laughter. I was actually going to quote quite a bit more but I am trying to cut back.

[mulvajo]

wonderful as usual!