Welcome to the fourth edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Guatemala: The Maya Empire! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
We would’ve won the food competition if Rafe hadn’t fallen in the water. For God’s sakes, he’s just a kid – he should’ve been up that rope like a monkey in a tree. I really wanted that fishing equipment. I know all about fish, and I could’ve shown how valuable I am to the tribe. It does no good to complain, though, so I made a little inlet at the water’s edge and caught some minnows. Better than eating ants! I was surprised when Brian told me there was talk of voting me off. Why? Because I’m older? If those fools had been watching instead of complaining, they’d see how busy I’ve been – cooking, grinding corn – always carrying my fair share of the load. Fortunately for them they decided to boot that lazy Morgan instead. Go back home to your manicures and facials, girly-girl. I’m one tough cookie and I’m not ready to leave!
It's my duty as a nurse to take care of anyone that is in medical need, and right now, Blake is the only one that is still hurting bad. Just between you and me...now that Blake is not puking every minute, I can see how handsome this young man is. Those eyes and those muscles.....mmm. Oh, Blake! Lie down and let momma nurse you back to health.
Look at me! I’m the young buck coming to get you, healthy, strong, and eager. See those guys sucking wind over there? See them on their hands and knees. I’m a man dammit! Suck it up, and let’s win some challenges. I’m gonna climb those ropes like a spider monkey on crack, boy. That’s how you do that. I’m not even afraid to get a little dirty and drag the other tribe through the muck. I may not be the smartest player, but for now I’m strong, and my tribe needs me. I'll learn my lesson soon enough.
Man, when is this dehydration going to end? You know I still feel crappier than a baby’s diaper, and I probably look even worse. I am definitely sick of going to tribal council. I ain’t never seen that immunity idol upclose. Is it nice? Does it shine? Is it true that someone doesn’t get voted off when they’re near it? Since I am still so weak, it’s probably best if I just lay low for a few days…I probably shouldn’t talk to anyone and let everyone focus on Blake and his freaky breathing. Oh sure, I’m still going to compete as best I can, but really, I plan to not really be a factor either way for a few days while I recover.
Sure, I was feeling under the weather the last time you saw me, but I took care of myself, conserving my energy, laying around at camp and having Margaret wait on me. Resting like that paid off, as I kicked some ass in the reward challenge. I've been having a hard time breathing, though, I get like that when no one compliments my abs within 48 hours. Margaret, man, she's something else...she even let me lay my head in her lap! Yeah, I'd prefer to lay my head in one of the younger chick's laps, but it's any port in a storm, buddy.
Okay, so I don't know how to climb up a ladder. When I'm guiding people in the wilderness, there aren't any ladders! Now what I AM good at is finding insects to eat. I came up with a fat grasshopper, but no one was interested. Then I found a slew-gillion ants, but no one besides Gary would eat them. I'm bringing my skills to the table, but no one appreciates me! Then Lydia had to sneak in on my food provider action with her darn minnows! *sob* When will they appreciate my efforts? When will they see the beauty of the real me? I may be a wilderness guide, but my heart is like a delicate flower.....and my tribe is pulling my petals off, one by one.
I'm starting to have my doubts about Bobby Jon. I mean - yeah, he's hot and stuff - but when it comes to participating in challenges, he's all brawn and no brains.He cost us a lot of time on the obstacle course, but luckily, this little road runner was right behind him to pick up the slack and lead Nakum to victory. Heck, yeah. During the immunity challenge, I could tell it was hard for some of my teammates to get any traction in the slippery mud. But having slipped and fallen in elephant crap at least a dozen times at work, I felt right at home. If only the boys had let me take on Stephenie in a head-to-head competition, I'd show 'em who the real all-star is.
If I had only wore more foundation I would’ve been super cuter. I mean, isn’t that how all the other previous blondes made it so far? Yeah, sure I could’ve picked up a log or two. Maybe put some water in one of those icky pots and fumbled my way through making some corn mush, but those darn challenges left me pooped. You try and wrestle in the mud and then get back to camp and clean up to look nice for the boys. I may be blonde and bimbo-y, but ditzy I am not. And here I sit with Jim, sipping fun fruity drinks and eating tofu with bean sprouts, cursing my tribe for completely setting me up with no warning. *long pause* Ho hum, I’m off to see what Jeff is doing…
If someone were to ask if our tribe is gelin’, I’d say yeah, but nobody’s gonna be braidin’ my hair…nosirreee. Keep your mitts off me, girlie. Personally, I’d just as soon crack the baton over someone’s head, as braid their hair, because afterall, I’m no sissy girl. On the othah hand, I may be tough, but I ain’t eatin’ no grasshoppahs yet. I’m holdin’ out for a food reward of say, lobstah and a Grey Goose martini. In the meantime, as long as my team members ain’t talkin’ about me leavin’, I’m okay. I’ll just keep throwin’ names out there for snuffing, like gunnin’ down bullseyes at target practice.
Did you see that, man!? I mean...did you SEE THAT? I smoked the competition on the spiderweb thing. I was so superior, they asked me to run it twice! Keep packin' on the pudge, Tobey MacGuire, because I'm coming for your job. Yeah, Rafe screwed us out of the immunity by not being able to climb that ladder, but we gotta keep him around... I mean, we got the landscaper, the fishmonger, and the gay guy: we're the most diverse team. Can't mess with that formula. I know everyone's wondering why I messed up so badly on the tug-o-war, and here's what I have to say about that: I've shown I can be the superhero AND the underdog. And did you see my captivating green eyes? Do ya hear that? That's the sound of Hollywood calling! Hee! Well, I tried to get that chick Stephenie voted out tonight, but she used her wily ways and foiled my plan. Bye, Morgan... I'll miss you and the girls.
Things were going along pretty well right up until that radio lady had to open her big mouth about me being an ex-NFL quarterback. That’s right folks at home. I am not sure if it has been mentioned yet, but I am an ex-NFL quarterback. Oh sure, when Brian asked me about it I lied, but that is only because I knew that if they learned I couldn’t really landscape the camp as promised, they would boot me out for certain; probably out of jealousy related to me being an ex-NFL quarterback. Besides, it’s not like the editing keeps playing up this story for any reason right? What story you ask? The ex-NFL quarterback story, in case you hadn’t heard about that, and since I hardly ever mention that I was an ex-NFL quarterback (darn, it slipped out again) I think the story will die down. Surely this ex-NFL quarterback thing is a non issue and that lie will not come back to haunt me at all later. What could possibly go wrong? I do like my position in the game, and appreciate the support of the fans at home. In return for that support, I will share with you now a little known fact about me. Yes, the rumors are true; I did play a little quarterback in the NFL. Remember, that’s just our little secret, so don’t tell anyone, especially princess radio sportscasters.
Gary Hogeboom can call himself Gary Hickbottom or Gary Hedgehog. He can’t fool me. Landscaper, my ass! More like overpaid benchwarmer. At least he never rode the pine for the Chiefs. Once I recovered from our hike last week and got a real chance to assess the other team, I knew exactly who he was. This was a fun week for me. We won both challenges, and I did my part to contribute. Not only did I get a bag during the reward challenge, I also waited until just the right minute to announce Gary’s former occupation. That gave Judd the edge necessary to get our first of the three flags we needed to get that immunity idol. Plus, I got to wrestle with Brian in the mud and whisper in his ear. I really prefer Jello wrestling but mud will do in a pinch. I’m working on a chant to taunt Gary next week. My only worry is that I forgot to take those nutritional supplements and bulk up a little before I got to Guatemala. I’m afraid a stiff breeze might knock me over.
I didn’t enjoy going to tribal council last time. No one told me Jeff Probst likes to quiz you using the Socratic Method before allowing you to vote. It brought back really bad memories of my first year torts professor who managed to move me to tears when I couldn’t explain what “last clear chance” meant while my fellow students snickered in the background. This week I made myself as invisible as possible and avoided having to open my mouth except when absolutely necessary. I did put on my favorite lavender bikini and help out in the reward challenge. I was really happy when Blake managed to stumble across the finish line first. It was great to make good use of our reward and catch some fish the next morning. After all, as my grandmother used to say, fish is brain food and we need all the brain power we can muster to deal with Professor Probst.
When I first planned out my strategy, I told myself I would be the best player to have ever played. I was going to lie like Richard Hatch, play the cute card like Elizabeth, and excel at all of the challenges like Tom..........Screw that! Knocking down women into the mud, and burying their faces in my armpit is much better! You haven't lived until you plaster some fragile features into the hot, filthy ground!
P.S. - You can thank me later for saving Lydia. She's so cute! I just want to pinch her cheeks and give her a festive cupcake.
I don't need the International Brotherhood of Hotel Doormen, Greater New York Area Local #9482, to tell me when someone's slacking off. I can see that I'm hauling water and Blake's sitting on his ass, whining about "I can't breathe," and "I can't move" and "I have a sucking chest wound" or whatever. I'll carry luggage, but I'm not carrying a tribemate. I'm glad this isn't a union tribe, that's all I can say.
As far as myself, I'm trying to dominate the challenges. Holding my 300 pounds above water in the rope challenge was kind of tough, but I was all about that tug of war challenge. I might not have been Mr. MVP Quarterback 1934 or whatever Skeletor Gary was, but tug of war is MY GAME. So I think I showed the tribe why they need to keep me around for a while.
Fiddlesticks! I'm on a losing tribe again! And they wanted to vote me off! Fortunately I managed to divert THAT line of thinking pretty darn quick. Morgan, Lydia, whatever. I'd have voted to get rid of anyone, even that hunky Probst, if it had kept the target off my back. I deserve to stay! I deserve to finally win! I earned this in a completely different season! So back off me, buckos. You don't want a piece of this.
Yo. Word. *flashes sign* My name....is Briana. You may remember me from such famous Survivor moments as "short blur getting stick" and "the dot in panaramic island shot #2487b. No. Not that dot. The other dot. The one with the feet and the head!" Sigh. *chuckles* You know you're huge when your left elbow appears on screen right before a Target commercial. Ahhhh. Fame. *more chuckling* Like Bob Chicklesworth of Cornpole, Iowa, and Patricia Hoopschocken, of the Coney Island Hoopschnockens........I'm about to become a household name. That's right. Britney Spears, Carmen Electra....and me. Survivor contestant #174. 174 in the hizzouse! Woot! Ahh yes. But you, me, and your stuffed bean burrito all know my silence now means I'm in the final four!!!! He he!! *Britney-like-screams* Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go check out Blake's abs.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Burntcrow, Dinahann, Lucy, Mariner, mrdobolina, oneTVslave, Roseskid, Shazzer, Speedbump, Suncat7, Totoro and Wolf