Sexy evil genius
Standing in the Shadows - Week 5
It's great being in a new tribe. I'm still with Sarge, John, and Chad, but there is a new lovely lady part of our team. There is another person who Jeff claims is a lady also, but I'm not sure. I know I would not mistake her for a woman even after having 10 drinks at a bar. Anyway, she seems nice enough. Better than putting up with that annoying Rory. Before the IC, Bubba was trying to get my attention. I was trying to ignore him. He better get used to being on his own. I'm on a new tribe now, and I'll looking out for myself only. Our new team won the IC, even though I lost one of the markers. The pringles and beer made everyone forget about my big blunder. It's safe to say that it doesn't matter how much I mess up because the spirits are on my side. Here's a bud for you, island spirits!
This whole tribe shake-up has totally ruined my strategy. I'm glad we won the beer and Pringles, but I'm in trouble. I mean, when I was in a tribe full of womens it was easy for me to blend in, mind my own business, and not be notished. But now that I'm the only attractive woman in a tribe full of men, it's imposhible to escape attentenen... attentum... *burp*... I can't hide. Sorry, I'm a bittle luzzed. *hiccup* I'm gonna need a new shtrategy. But I should prolly shoak up some of this booze. Time to prop a Pingle and work on my tan. I mean my shtrategery. Hmmm, maybe I can do both!
Travis is an idiot, but I don't know why that surprises me; it's not like the name "Bubba" conjures up a rocket scientist in the mind's eye. The genius manages to wind up in a tribe busting at the seams with sexy women, and then lets me catch him sending signals to his old buddy Chris. Who is that stupid? You'd never catch Michael Jordan telling the other team what the next play is, would you? Okay, basketball is a bad example. Pretty much all they do is pass, dunk, or shoot. And they trash talk a lot. "Hey Kobe, I'm gonna dunk on you this time." So I guess you could catch Michael Jordan telling the other team what he's going to do next. Let me try another example. He was sending signals to Chris, just like a third base coach. You'd never catch a third base coach on Survivor! And if you did, he'd never be dumb enough to allow the opponent to steal his signs. Though if he did, I don't know what good it would do his opponents to know he was telling someone to slide.
What the heck am I saying? I suck at sports analogies. Bubba, yer out!
Did you see that? Did you catch it? Choose one chief. Choose one chief! That was me! I was the one who figured it out. Then I gave Scout a bouncy cheer to show my support of the old broads. And believe me, the old broads need as much support as they can get. No wonder they used to lump me in with the twentysomethings. I keep showing them that I’m the perkiest member of the tribe, especially in my glowing green bikini. But you know what? I think the goddess of Vanuatu was trying to tell me something with that little shakeup because I felt like the ground was opening up beneath me when Scout didn’t pick me during the tribe split. She picked that little snot Eliza…and she put Julie in a spot…hello?!? I voted with your alliance when you needed me! It really hurt to see them all getting new buffs, while I flashed my perfectly white teeth and tried to be a good sport. But it turns out I was the lucky one - I got to choose which team I wanted to be on. Okay, so there was really only one choice since hooking up with all those men on Lopevi would have been suicide, but it was me who got to boogie on over to the team of my choice, no one else. You didn’t see me do anything in the reward challenge. It was weird…no one said anything, they just eyed me in the chestacalogical region and dove in before I could. Some of them went three times, but they never asked me! How strange. Can I let you in on a little secret? It’s a good thing my team was so gung ho, because I have a just a tiny bit of trouble swimming underwater. I can float great, but if I dive under the surface I just bob back to the top. No matter, we had new tribe members to meet and greet and share our precious sugar cane with. I wonder why Ami was so mad about showing the men how to whack open a coconut. It’s like she wants to put a sign next to our “YASUR” banner: NO BOYS ALLOWED. We lost the Immunity Challenge, but I wasn’t worried, even with Eliza’s little comment about keeping the men because we need their “strength”. Which woman do you think would get the boot first, little Miss Twiggy? I’m SO ready for that eviction.
Pssst…it’s me, Eliza. Why am I whispering? Well, it started with the earthquake. Not to be trite or anything, but it shook me up. Seeing the other women go to pieces…well, it made me think about my game so far, and how easily you can look like a screechy fool out here. So now, I’m trying a new strategy. It turns out that if I don’t backstab anyone, get in any arguments over chores, or talk about voting strategy they don’t give me camera time. But don’t be fooled...I got my opinion out there, I just thought it might look better if I didn’t argue my point so masterfully. Let someone else take the heat for a change. You know, instead of pointing out who let the team down during the challenges, I just participated with my mouth shut. I still did a kick-ass job, but quietly, without calling attention to my expertise. Instead of insisting that we try to keep a little muscle around the place, I let Lisa and Ami get their way and voted to boot Bubba. So did it work? I think so. I mean, look at Scout…her personal cheering squad elected her “chief.” *snorts* You just go right ahead, Scout. What a joke. I’ll be laughing my size zero bikini top off when Scout gets to the merge. Somehow I don’t think she’ll be winning a lot of immunity necklaces. And you know how it is…no guy can resist the big ole’ eye flutter - not to mention a bit of skinny dipping. Meanwhile, I’m sitting pretty with the girls, because they can’t risk tossing one of their own if they expect to survive the merge. Before you know it I’ll be sailing into the final four. *leaning back in hammock* Still, as I watched that meaty form leaving the Tribal Council tonight, I wondered if we are going to regret losing Bubba. We should have taken down Miss Airbags.
Shoo-ee! I tell you what, this tribe switch-up thing was just made for old Twila. No more dealin' with them sun-tannin', hair-braidin', lay-aboutin' young chicks! I got me some MEN now. *burp* Oh yeah, and beer. Beer, chips and men -- that's all I needed to make this here island a real paradise. Hell, one of 'em even works a road crew! Just like me! *burp* So we bonded over the hassles of gettin' comp time. It's startin' to feel just like home. Sure, one of them young girls had to come to the new tribe with me. But she ain't gonna last long. No way can she bond with these fellers like I can. They're gonna see me as one of them in no time flat. I mean, tell me one thing about me that's not man-like. Can't, can you? *burp*
Today we had a couple of visitors. One guy asked for our chief and we called Sarge. When he stepped forward he was handed a scepter and necklace then the guys left. Shortly after that the earth began to shake and everyone got excited. When we arrived at the reward challenge Jeff asked us if we had felt the rumble, then told us to drop buffs and the tribes were reshuffled by Scout. Since Scout chose the tribe members, Sarge got to choose his tribe. Bubba and I ended up in the chick tribe and then we got down to the business of reward. We lost. The women welcomed us to camp by feeding us and sharing their new island survival tips and tricks. I was glad to find out just what that native taught them after the previous reward. Whew! The immunity challenge was brutal. We had to build an outrigger. Lisa and I found the final section of the boat but I had trouble with the knots and that lost us too much time. Then the last two navigated the water poorly and we never recovered. There was so much going wrong and we lost as a team. I just hope the rest of Yasur saw it that way. I was pretty sure that Bubba or I was going home. I pled my case at tribal council and Bubba left the tribe. I guess the women could really see what an asset I could be at least for a few more days.
OK, so there was no merge. But, this tribal switch thing couldn't have come at a better time! I was getting tired of looking at Rory and Bubba, so to trade them for the ladies (OK, some of the ladies plus Twila) was like a breath of fresh air. Having the women join us did not slow us down at all, as we won both the Reward and Immunity challenges. Beer and Pringles and seeing these women in a waterfall...what could be better? Well, it would be better if the women's bikinis just happened to fall off while we were at the waterfall, but I'm not going to quibble. Hey, at least I didn't have to watch Rory and Bubba in that waterfall and worry about their bathing suits falling off. Of course, I doubt Bubba would have taken that stupid Bob Barker t-shirt off for anything, but I digress...
Well we really shook things up this week. First the earthquake and then the tribe split. I was pretty happy to stay with Lopevi. Scout practically picked a winning team for us. All of that was good in terms of the game, but the big news is that now I can get a turn at sleeping in the first class spot. Once again, respecting the Stone has helped me. This week I will be asking the Stone to make Julie nude sunbathe. It will be a true test of the power of the Stone. Let’s cross our fingers.
Things were pretty grim at my command in the south Pacific. Life as a soldier isn’t for everyone. I was just about to resign my post , when some members of the local army came and offered me the symbols of command. I took this as a sign . Then the earthquake came , and well if that isn’t a sign of my manifest destiny , I don’t know what is. Mark Brunettes camera people screaming like girls during the quake provided as much entertainment as a shore leave at home.
At the reward challenge I was given the opportunity to choose a new team . One without Rory. Of course after ridding ourselves of that boot camp disaster , we went on to win not only the reward challenge but the immunity. My new female soldiers are more qualified to perform duties than the ones we ridded ourselves of. I know that it’s un soldier like , but I keep feeling the corners of my mouth moving. The unit members tell me this is called a smile , and that I might actually be happy.
Our tribe of women really took a turn for the better this week. We've learned to get along and pull together. We were taught how to reap the rewards of nature's bounty in this beautiful environment. I'd like to think my benign wisdom has been a positive influence on our little coven, though I admit the influx of sugar cane hasn't hurt. Either way, my tribemates acknowledged my spiritual leadership by annointing me their chief. Mother Earth literally shook with approval. When I divided the tribes, my first thought was that I wanted to split up the two remaining young women. After that it just seemed funny to stick Eliza with the two men least likely to pay attention to her Betty Boop eyes. I landed just where I wanted to be - surrounded by women smart enough to keep the men in their place. I'm starting to feel confident that I've got this game now. I just have to stay centered. As long as I understand my place as a miniscule but integral mote of dust in the cosmic spew, I can make it to the final four. *assuming lotus flower position*
Whew, that was close! I was almost filmed actually saying something this week. I was just minding my own business that morning, slinking about among the trees, when one of the producers bumped into me and asked me who I was. When I explained that I was one of the players, he whisked me away for a confessional interview and grilled me on things like what my name was, how long I'd been there, what tribe I was on, things like that. Well, I was in the middle of this tense interrogation when I was spared by a massive earthquake. The camera flew off in a random direction, and I knew I could use the diversion to make good my escape, which is exactly what I did. I'm going to have to be more cautious. I don't want people noticing I'm here. If anyone ever sees me, I might get voted out.
Well crapdang my cray-nium...I dun been dumfoozled! I was sittin’ purty…clearly in full control o’ this game, but the Islands of Fahr apparently must remain simply rich with i-run-nee. Well, har-dee-har har. I’s not laughin’. It all started to fall apart with this dummytwofackle all-male trahbe. Somebody turn down th’ testosterone level, puh-leeze!!! Who gives two bits and a hen if I wanna keep muh sleepin’ spot? If Bubba don’t wanna move, Bubba ain’t movin’. So when we finally git the trahbes shooken up a bit, and Bubba finally gits some company from the lay-days, that big dumb idiot Chris has t’ go and ruin it all for me by not respondin’ t’ my top-saycret sub-ter-fyoooge signals. But wait. Oh no, they weren’t so top-saycret after all, ‘cause Ami just had t’ notice the whole crappydoodle thang!!!! Pay no mahnd t’ my Incraydible Hulk-like Buh-serker Might ™ carryin’ the whole danged canoe frame in th’ challenge. Nooo. And pay no mahnd t’ muh riskin’ health n’ heart bah paddlin’ the gol-durned canoe when I right cain’t swim. Noooo. And by ALL MANES, pay no mahnd t’ my liftin’ heavy thangs an’ bein’ a packmule fer all the gals at camp. Nooooo! Pshaw. Riskin' her-nee-ay-shun. Y’all can just turn on Bubba; that’s fine n’ dandy. *sah* This is what it’s like when doves cry. I still miss muh family, but now I have no choice but t’ drink muh sorrows away in Loser Lodge. Far thee well, y’all! Cuba Libre!
The contributors, in alphabetical order: Bill, Bravo, cali, eny, Feifer, hepcat, Ilikai, Lobeck, Lucy, Manny, MissF, Paulie, Shazzer, sher, spegs, Stargazer, Wayner, and Zaius
When you're ten years old and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again. - Jack Handey
Read Paulie's Precaps for Survivor:Vanuatu: 1
Horror of Horrors
Funny about that Massive Earthquake interupting things when Leanne was about to actually say something. Almost spooky.
Originally Posted by Paulie
He who laughs last thinks slowest
#oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16
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