Welcome, dear readers, to another episode of Survivor Fiji: Spoiled Brats. The brats I’m talking about are the Moto tribe, of course. These people have gotten more luxury items early in the game than any other tribe has ever had: a kickass shelter, plenty of food, fire, water, a bush shower and toilet, even a hammock, for crying out loud. I hear Jeff is planning on building them a Super Wal-Mart down the beach. Yeah, they’ve earned a few of those things, but please. It’s getting difficult to watch Ravu struggle, licking water off of leaves and eating snails while Moto lounges around with bloated bellies, napping in relative comfort. Bad twist, guys. Bad, bad twist.
Bullies: Not Just For Grade School Anymore
Yet another loss for the Ravu tribe last week has Rocky’s panties all in a knot, and he’s taking out his frustrations on Anthony. For whatever reason, Rocky just doesn’t like the guy. I don’t know why, he seems pleasant enough. A bit of a self-esteem problem, as Anthony himself reveals, but that’s no reason to jump on the poor guy’s case. “You play this sympathy case once in a while that drives me nuts!” says Rocky. He rags on Anthony for being a sentimental guy, and compares him to a “broad.” So, apparently in Rocky’s world, being a real man equates to being a flaming asshat. Seriously, I wish one of those sea snakes would bite ol’ Rocky in the nether regions. Let’s see him man up after that.
Meanwhile, over at Moto, it’s a paradise in comparison. Stacy and Lisi lounge at the beach, and let it slip that there is a five person alliance: Boo, Stacy, Lisi, Edgardo, and Alex. The five Musketeers, Lisi calls them. They think they have it made. You know that means they’ll self-destruct by next week, right?
Smurf Off, Lisi
One Moto member isn’t doing so well, however: Gary, aka Papa Smurf. He still feels ill, out of breath and dizzy. Cassandra worries about him, wanting him to feel better. The poor guy is eaten up with insect bites. Lisi, on the other hand, seems more worried about having to “babysit” him because he’s ill. “I don’t want to take care of him,” she says. This woman doesn’t have a compassionate bone in her chunky little body. If I didn’t hate her for laughing at Yao Man last week, I sure do after hearing her talk trash about Gary.
Time for the reward challenge: both teams must line up on a narrow balance beam over the water. Each team member must make their way around the other tribe members to reach a platform on the other side. If you fall off or push someone off, you have to start over. The first tribe to get all it’s members on the platform wins. Sort of a modified leapfrog, if you will. The winners will receive a bunch of fish, spices, pillows and blankets, and....a king sized bed. Yes, you heard right. A king sized bed. Is this Paradise Hotel or Survivor? Sheesh.
Slinky little Michelle has no trouble making her way around her Ravu tribemates, but Lisi and Stacy keep knocking each other off the beam. Yao Man gets a faceful of Rita’s boobs as he crosses by. Dreamz (man, I hate that nickname) has a brainfart and actually comes up with a good idea: everyone squats down to allow the others to step over them, instead of around. Ravu all jump in the water to change their lineup, but they still lose ground to Moto. Ravu had an early lead, but Moto still wins, remaining undefeated in challenges. They send Yao Man to Exile and grab their goods, heading back to camp. They proceed to decorate their new bed and chow down on huge plates of fish and rice. All is good in Motoland.
Not so much back at Ravu’s camp, though. Rocky is throwing another fit (seriously, why doesn’t someone just punch him in the face already?), literally throwing things around camp, yelling and making the others uncomfortable. “Why don’t we just call Jeff on the Jeff phone, and go hey Jeff, we’re ready to vote somebody off today!” he bellows. The Jeff phone? Gee, I know who I’d vote for. He then goes on to say that he’s skinnier than homeless people he knows. “I know fifteen homeless people that are forty pounds heavier than me. Are you serious? They get more nutrition in their diet!” Someone tries to tell him nicely to shut the hell up and stop being so negative, but Rocky claims that he’s not being negative, he’s just stating the obvious. And obviously, he’s a major fruitcake. I thought Shane was nuts.
Earl likes Rocky’s spirit, but wonders why he won’t get off his butt and actually do something about their problems. Like, try to find some food. Chop some palm fronds to make a better bed. Something. Anything.
The Freaks Come Out At Night
Night falls, and the predators come out - one in the form of Liliana, as she gives the guys backrubs in the moonlight and flirts relentlessly, much to the ire of Lisi. Honestly, I’m still struggling to remember if I’ve even seen Liliana before this. Liliana laughs it up with the guys as Lisi simmers across the shelter. “I know in her little diabolical Mexican mind, she’s trying to come up with something, you know?” says Lisi. Jealous much? I don’t know who’s the bigger idiot tonight: Lisi or Rocky. After that comment, it’s a tie.
Papa Smurf is all smurfed out, and calls the medics to carry him out of there. I’m not sure what exactly is causing him so much trouble, but he’s had enough. They strap Gary to a carrier and lift him onto the boat. The others give him a lukewarm goodbye, and Lisi is heartbroken, exclaiming that now there’s one less person and it gives her a better chance. Bitch. Alex seems to be the only one that realizes losing a tribe member right now is not necessarily a good thing.
Coming Soon To A Theater Near You: Rocky XV - The Crossdresser
Now, I don’t know what happened while my local channel was showing severe weather reports, but when Survivor came back on, Rocky was running around naked and Rita was looking nauseous. I quickly joined her at the thought of naked Rocky, and gave silent thanks for the fuzzy blob guy. Just, ew. It sounds like Rocky was trying to lighten the mood (after killing it earlier with his ranting) by dressing up in one of the girl’s tops and putting coconut tops in to look like boobs. It was a disturbing sight, I tell you. He must have found some good weed back in the jungle somewhere for this kind of mood change.
Immunity Challenge time, and Jeff informs everyone that Gary is officially out of the game. He also comments on Rocky’s pink top, telling him that it’s a good look for him. Ha. The game starts with four members of each tribe locked in cages. Another tribe member will run out with a key to free one person. That person will then free the next, and so on. They must all then get in a boat and paddle back, picking up the remaining tribe members, making a human pyramid on the beach to reach the last cage, and freeing the last person. Of course, Moto wins this one, too. Heavy sigh.
But wait - there’s another twist. Jeff throws Moto a little bottle with a message inside, and unfortunately Lisi catches it. I was hoping it’d smack her in the head. They pull out the paper to read: which is more important to you, comfort or immunity? To keep your immunity, you must give up your camp. To keep your comfort, you must go to Tribal and vote out a member. They quickly decide to keep their fancy digs. Ravu gets the immunity by default. It seems to be the only way they’ll ever get it.
Snakes On A Beach
Moto trudges back to camp, not happy with the fact that they must boot someone that night, making their numbers even with Ravu. Dreamz (grr!) immediately begins yapping about being honest and open about who to boot, not wanting the tribe to turn into snakes. Not wanting to point fingers, he does just that, naming Lisi and Cassandra as the two least useful people there. This earns him an eat-crap-and-die look from Lisi, while Cass looks nonplussed. The others pretty much blow Dreamz off, saying that they have to think about it first.
Liliana approaches Cassandra afterwards, and basically tells her that while she thinks Cass is a great person, she won’t go against the others if they want to vote Cass off. We then get a rather disgusting clip of a snake regurgitating something very long and slimy. Mmm, I’m so glad I chose to eat dinner during the program tonight. Lisi and Stacy want Liliana gone, but the guys are very opposed to that. Alex thinks Cass should go since she’s weaker. And she doesn’t give him backrubs at night.
If They Didn’t Get Me Out Now, I Was Gonna Beat Them
Off to Tribal Council. Jeff asks about everyone’s reaction to Gary leaving, then asks Dreamz how he’s doing bonding with the others. Dreamz says that only Cass and Papa Smurf were close to him, and the others ignore him. Not so, says Lisi. Dreamz is the one who “went on a soliloquy” about who should be voted off, pointing fingers and alienating people. He tries to argue, but can’t spit out the word soliloquy and everyone snickers. The vote is taken, and Liliana is voted off. She gasps at the vote, not expecting to be the target and admonishing her tribemates for voting off one of the stronger members. Her torch gets doused, and off she goes.
Join us next week when Rocky throws another fit, Moto gets a jacuzzi and cable tv, and the boys turn against the girls. Hopefully they’ll spare us the upchucking critters this time.
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