Welcome to the third edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Panama: Exile Island! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
Well, hell, how did I end up in Loser Lodge so soon? I knew I had to break up the boys, but I was pretty sure Nick and Austin were feeling my assets, if you get my drift – and liking them. Not everybody can flirt like it’s an art form. You have to like to flirt – and you can’t be taught that, you have to be born with it. Me? Well, let’s just say that flirting is my destiny. What did you guys think “missile engineer” meant, anyways? Here’s a clue: my favorite magazine is the Victoria’s Secret catalog. Hey, if you’ve got the equipment, why not show it off? What I don’t get is why weren’t Nick and Austin swayed by my subtle touching and squeezing. I guess they didn’t buy the “we’re just widdle girls” routine. Maybe my performance during the immunity challenge showed them I can be vicious and tough when a chokehold is needed. I’m still pissed about that challenge. I would have had that bag if Cirie hadn’t outweighed me by several hundred Big Macs. I guess I should have spent less time eating bugs and more time digging for that immunity idol when I had the chance. Anti-fungal cream, here I come!
You know that old saying, “There is no ‘I’ in team?” Well it’s wrong. There is an ‘I’ in team and that ‘I’ is me. The team’s ‘I’ had a great three days. We won the Reward Challenge because I caught four out of the five balls that lead our team to victory including a spectacular and acrobatic catch of the one that sent us to overtime. I’ve always been pretty good at the upside down maneuvers in training. Heck that even impressed Jiffy. The only balls I missed were the one that I passed to Nick and the one that went over my head. It’s really true. White men can’t jump. That’s not all I caught though. I caught Nemo and, not some Walt “Fricking” Disney Nemo. A real live non-poisonous protein source Nemo. I know my buddies are going to make a lot of jokes about catching the little one when I get back home, but who cares? I’ll be able to flaunt my cool million by then. That tarp we won at the reward challenge was huge. A dry tribe is a happy tribe after all. I am a little disappointed in myself though. I really wanted our mission to succeed and our whole tribe to make the merge. I did everything I could at the immunity challenge but in the end we failed. I’m just glad we got rid of Misty. She’s a great girl, but she’s also smarter than me. I have to get rid of the threats when I can.
Damn, can't anyone make Shane shut UP? Dude is like seriously interferring with my karma, and I don't have the right stones here to align my chakras. I'm sure that Aras could use his "stone" to align me, if you know what I mean. Yeah, Shane, he's like, gonna anger my fire goddess, and our whole camp will probably go up in flames! It was pretty cool how we won the immunity challenge! I was so hyped to have my turn running out there at the same time at Aras AND Austin, hoping to grab me some of their cute little rears, but NO, that bitch Ruth Marie wouldn't let go of me! My second time out there, I tried like heck to slide under Nick, because at this point, I'm not really particular. Any straight guy, other than, like Shane, is going to do just fine. No action for me, yet, but on the other hand, I'm still here, so there's time. I'm going to work this puppy for all it's worth, and get me one of those bitchin' Playboy layouts. Crap, I almost forgot...Bruce and his drinking water strained through shirts? Umm, like NO. Leader my ass.
Boy, I could use some chocolate, a bath and a manicure. Have you seen my nails?! Blech. Yesterday during my side confessional, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the camera lens. I look like one of those shrunken head idols found in the South Pacific. I need to get some meat on my bones. I just feel worn down. I feel like I’m not even recognized. I just want to cry. I’m stuck between two alliances. I’m a loner. An outcast. I guess now would be a good time to slide in next to Dan and Terry. Sally could be on her way out. Can’t write any more; just saw a snail craw by. Must eat…
Yo, I know it's hard to figure out which of the thin bikini-clad women I am, so to help everyone out -- I'm just nice like that -- I'm the one whose boobs are really about to bust out of my top. No, not Misty. The other dark-haired boob-y girl who doesn't get much airtime. Yup, that's me. Anyway, as you can see from my yabbos, "under the radar" isn't my style of game-play. I want to be noticed. I want to kick ass. Literally. So this week's physical challenges were right up my alley. I caught one of the balls in that one challege; I wasn't afraid to get down and dirty in the other challenge where we had to dig and wrestle and stuff. So what if my bikini slipped off in a few "strategic" spots? You wanna win, you can't be afraid to throw your tatas in someone's face. Words to live by.
Man, the past three days have been tough with the tribe, we have hardly anything to eat except for snails that the girls keep catching. I still can’t believe that Sally lost the spear for the fishing equipment, now all we can catch are stupid puffer fish. The immunity challenge was tough for the team today but I definitely pulled my weight by scoring a point for the team, it’s more than I can say for some of the other members. During the immunity challenge today watching the ladies wrestle in the sand was almost too much for me, it was so HOT! After the immunity challenge the girls were definitely courting Nick and I to join up with them in an alliance, Misty even gave me the most wonderful massage. If she keeps up with this massage business I am going to have a hard time saying no to an alliance. I have decided that in order to stay in this game for the long hall I need to team up with the strongest and that means voting with Terry, Dan and Nick. I can’t believe I have to say goodbye to my personal masseuse.
I can’t believe that I am having a hard time persuading Nick and Austin to align with Misty and me. I am such a cute girl they should be lucky to vote with me. I know that I lost the fishing spear and catching fish is really tough now but I am still cute and that is what should matter the most. During the immunity challenge that was so tough wrestling those other girls but I should have won it on my cuteness alone, they really need to reevaluate the rules to that game! Ruth Marie really needs to be voted out tonight, she is weak and really not cute enough for this tribe. How shocked was I after tribal council that those boys played me and voted out my friend Misty and never let me know. I guess the bright side is that I am definitely the cutest girl on the tribe now!
I am so hungry, I can’t even think straight. I remember back in my lean college days how I would eat PB&J and ramen noodles twice a day for months on end… man those were some good times. Austin and I went fishing, but the crap old school equipment we had just didn’t cut it. Am I supposed to catch the fish with my bare hands or what? Oh wait, I did catch a puffer fish- actually that’s all I could catch. They were everywhere. Dude, that immunity challenge was whack, and I can’t believe we lost. I knew all along that I would vote with Dan and Terry, but it was fun making the girls believe there was a chance for an alliance. The massage was especially fun. Mmmm… very fun. It’s almost too bad Misty had to go- she was a total hottie, but I think she was smarter than me, and that’s not cool. Not cool! I wonder if I can fool the girls into thinking I’ll vote with them next time. Maybe it’ll get me a full-body massage.
Child, I've got to catch my breath! *pant pant pant* We won! We won the immunity challenge! This is first time I haven't gone to tribal council, and let me tell you right now, Cirie likes it that way. Oh yes, if I never see Jeff Probst by the light of a campfire again, it will be A-OK with me. He spooks me out with all that talk of "fire represents life", you know what I'm saying? But anyways, I know you all are tired of hearing what spooks Cirie out, so Cirie is just gonna gloat: Woo hoo! Woooo hooooo! We won the immunity challenge! WOO! If there's one thing I can do well, it's throw all of my weight onto a scrawny little body, and I did it super-well today. When Bruce told me to sit on that little girl, it was like divine intervention, because I was just thinking to myself should I sit on this scrawny little girl? and then bam! Bruce says it's okay to. So I did. And we won! Wooooo!
I am so glad I aligned with Terry on the very first day. He is just the everyman out here. He helped put my advanced shelter designs into effect and he caught the only non-poisonous fish for our tribe. He’s my idol! That fish was small, but since Terry caught it, it seems a lot bigger than it looks. He caught all of those balls too. Of course it was because I worked out the perfect parabolic trajectory in my advanced NASA brain and was able to work the launcher like a true NASA rocket scientist. I told you my advanced knowledge of technology would be of use out here. Whoa…that one’s got a deteriorating orbit. I guess I miscalculated meters for yards. Whoops. We won the tarp anyway, and it was lucky for us my advanced shelter architecture called for the tarp. It poured all over us all night, but we stayed nice and dry. Why? My design skills that’s why. Otherwise, I’m just a pasty white old guy with a solid alliance with the other old guy. I can’t help it if punks on a nic fit can toss me like a sack of potatoes. Oh well, we didn’t win, but I’m confident in my guy alliance. I’m not going anywhere fast.
Bruce is the man! And I don’t mean that like he’s ”The Man” and he’s coming down on me. I mean he’s cool, he knows what the hell he’s doing out here, and he’s getting me water that’s at least 90% bacteria free! Yesterday I was drinking bamboo water straight offa the shelter supports, and now I’m drinking water filtered through 3 of our t-shirts. Naw, it doesn’t taste like sweaty bodies at all. Anyway, now that I have some usable liquid, I’m just going to let Shane self-destruct and tear his silly little alliance to pieces. He’s lucky he’s not a skinny girl that I can just pick up and throw around like I did to Ruth Marie. Silly girl thought she could outrun me? No way, man. I’ll run you down and toss you like a rag doll…if it means I’ll get in good with my tribe, then hell yeah I’ll toss ya! I don’t even mind giving Shane another 3 days out here. He can keep me entertained with his mood swings and argumentative style.
Oh Powerful Yoyo God, why hast thou forsaken me??? Forgive me for complaining, for I am grateful that my Proud Warrior is the paper that covers the rock in the "paper, scissors, rock" game that IS the Yoga World of Greater Los Angeles. For I know it is like being blessed with the finest yurt in all of Ulan Bator. I.e., It is worth it's weight in maral deers. And Beloved, I am indeed grateful. But at times.....at times....I'm afraid to say....oh may I be deprived of edamame for one hundred quatrains for saying so! But...sometimes....sometimes.. ..Oh Beloved, I question your guidance.. B-b-but not often! On. My. Honor! Yes, it is true my hand hesitated before I went on that one, toxic-mushroom-induced Dream Quest in '04, and it is true that I uttered a curse word in conjunction with your Holy Name when I vomited up something that looked like a tree stump afterwards, but did I not also beg to You to not let me die as I embraced my toilet? Did I not profusely thank You when I managed to miss the Ikea bath mat? And the toilet brush? And my roommate's hair crimper? And my vintage copies of Naturist-colony photos? I am loyal. But I must now emphatically voice my concerns over your guidance in this game! For you have alligned me with the most volatile of all the energies in this realm! The crazy tattooed Shane, who could seriously use some patchouli and a roundhouse kick in his fifth chakra! And then there's Courtney, whose constant chatter makes it very hard to allign with You in Holy Meditation! And Danielle, whom I can just tell will abandon me for a more balanced alliance! Oh Yoyo, I need your help more now than ever. But I will hold my hematite beads good and tight, and remain with my current alliance. For now.
These people are un-freaking-believable. I can't even have five minutes to myself over here to think on my stump without Courtney and the rest of those lunatics bothering me. I mean, damn, how hard is it to boil a pot of water? Figure it out! And don't ask my advice about something then tell me how to do it. That girl just pisses me off. Then they start joking about Shane's thinking stump. I just want something of my own around here, is that so much to ask?! I don't want anyone sitting on my stump. It's mine. Hey. HEY!! Get the hell off my stump!! *twitching* These people are going to drive me insane. What the...I must be hallucinating. I could have sworn I just saw two guys in long white coats back in the trees there...I really need to get off this damned island.
I think I'm going to change the name of Exile Island to Bruce's Place. I've spent more time on that awful island than I have with any tribe! And this last time was the worst...it rained so much that I couldn't look for the idol. All I could do was lay in the mud and wait for my time to be up. Good thing I have so much training in wilderness survival. That's why La Mina sent me there, they knew my tribe couldn't make it without me. I am the most valuable person in the game, I know how to do everything! They are lucky to have me. They didn't believe that you could purify water by straining it through five layers of dirty t-shirts. Just as good as Evian! It gets all the bacteria out. Well, most of them, anyway. A few can't hurt you, right?
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Dinahann, hepcat, lucy, Mariner, mrdobolina, shazzer, speedbump, SueEllenMishke, Suncat7, totoro, wayward and Yardgnome77