Welcome to the 11th edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Guatemala: The Maya Empire! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . .
Well lookie here, it’s another reward challenge and guess what? Ahm hongry, too, and this is my chance to eat! There’s Judd standing over there with his beer gut hanging out. Do he need food? Naw! And Stephenie, just smiling – she thinks she’s got it in the bag because everyone lo-oves her. Hey Steph, you want to know what I think of you? Aye yie yie yie yie! Yeah! You don’t know Lydia! *bares teeth * I’ll do the pancake dance on your belly, fool. Every time I hit that pot of corn with your name on it I picture you hanging in that tree like a piñata. Whap! Take that you big old overgrown behemoth! You eat three times as much as me, and you win all the reward challenges. Thud! How you like that? The gloves is off now, missy, and I’m telling you like it issss. Splat! Just look at all that corn come pouring out of you! Yea, you are full of it , Miss I’m- Queen- of- the- jungle. I always knew that, but there’s safety in numbers, and as long as I played the loyal foot-licker you kept me safe. Now that you don’t need me anymore you’re all like “say it to my face.” Beyotch. How ‘bout I say it with a bat.
Well, I hated to do it but with Gary’s contract coming to an end, I had to take off my lucky Chiefs’ hat (I wish my mother would quit trying to throw it away every time I go home) and put on my general manager’s hat. Gary tried too hard to negotiate a new deal, so I had to release him from Team Yaxha. I did it for the good of the organization which is now me; just me. I feel like I’m back in junior high school trying to figure out how to get in with the cool kids. In those days, they all hung out at a certain table in the cafeteria during lunch. In the jungle, they sit on top of a fake ruin drinking coffee and looking down at us. When Steph gets really bored, she orders Lydia to make a noise like a howler monkey. It reminds me of Cathy Hooper from my eighth grade class trying to humiliate the other kids. Boy did it feel great the first time I kicked Cathy’s ass in a pageant. While I’m grinding corn for meals, I keep imagining smashing Steph’s face in a pit of mud. Not that it would be personal mind you. It’d be strategic just like telling Cathy’s best friend Angela that Cathy was flirting with Angela’s boyfriend. I’m working on my new game plan which I hope to implement before the next immunity challenge. Unfortunately, the only free agent that seems to be available is Lydia. I’ve seen how well she fairs in physical challenges. I wonder if I can convince Jeff to let me pick up a few howler monkeys.
Mama always thought that my majoring in zoology was a waste of time, but if I hadn't studied my behind off in Crocodiles 101, I never would have gotten the opportunity to stuff myself silly on kabobs annnnd get groped by a gay Mormon in a waterfall. See Mama, I told you - accounting is for dweebs, anyways. If you're hot like me, you belong in the zoo. Man, I am so full of kabobby goodness, I don't know if I have room for my fifteenth cup of coffee today. I guess I could let Lydia have it; anything to get her to shut her trap. Hey Lydia, I have an idea - if you want a reward, why don't you win one? I could have eaten and showered last week if I wasn't stuck dragging your useless butt through the mud. Quit your whining and just drink on your fish and dirt soup while I tell you about our meal. Shrimp kabobs, beef kabobs, veggie kabobs, melon kabobs, mojito kabobs, kabob sandwiches, kabob soup, kabob salad, kabob po'boys...
F*%! yeah I like to eat! I hated having to turn it in to no big deal with Lydia. Apparently she doesn’t know that when you maintain six pack abs and an ass that you could bounce a quarter off of, you need some extra calories. Not to mention I’ll be the cover girl in next years Girls Who Pretend To Be In Pharmaceutical Sales But Are Really Aspiring Actresses calendar. Who gave her the right to get mouthy on us? She needs to go back to being quiet and be a good little sheep. And just like in the real world, there is a pecking order with Lydia being the girl that gave me lunch money whenever I needed it. You want to bring it on?! Oh…it was brought! But anyways, I’m sooo in control of this game. Judd is my little bitch, Rafe is too giddy over his immunity win to even think three minutes ahead and Cindy is just stocking stuffer. Now Danni on the other hand…yummy. Opps…err…she’s cool and all. I wouldn’t mind giving Cindy the heave-ho and bringing Danni in on our little orgy-like alliance. We’ll see how things go after Cindy and Rafe confront Judd about the immunity idol debacle. One thing’s for sure: his little lie will be used against him at the final two.
*sings* "I'm the immunity Queen, just look at me, winning everything in sight, I'm the immunity queeeeeen....oops I mean kiiiiing" Well, look at me, why don't you? I did it AGAIN, won immunity! *takes off immunity necklace, twirls it around finger* That's right, I am a force to be RECKONED with...and I reckon I have shown everyone that just because I'm paler than a crocodile's underbelly and the most feminine creature out here, I STILL can whip everyone! Well okay, technically I didn't win the reward challenge, but what you all don't know is that I LET Cindy win, because I knew she'd take me. It's my little scheme, you see...to make everyone like me, make everyone think "oh, that Rafe is SOOOO nice". Nice guys finish last? I don't think so! Everyone else can kiss my white hairless rear as I "nice" my way to a cool million.
Damn, man, I didn’t expect that damn outcome. I’ll pretend I’m fine with it, man, even though I’m damn pissed. I just wish I knew that these damn people were going to stab Jamie and me in the back, man. I thought I was in control, and that damn Gary was going home. Now he’s lying even more than usual by trying to ally with the players he said didn’t even deserve to be in the game. He’s working Lydia like I work the doors of my building. All of these damn liars are starting to bug the hell out of me, man. I haven’t lied once in the game that I can think of. I’m a damn fine player if you ask me, man. I have my coffee drinking, ruin-sitting alliance, and I’m heading to the final four, I think man. I guess I’ll have to see, man, since that damn Rafe keeps winning rewards and immunities, and I’m not even in the damn running. That damn lying Gary is really driving me nuts, though. He’s a damn lunatic, and he’s really grasping at damn straws trying to get anyone on his damn side. I’ll try to expose his damn lies at tribal council, man. He told me that Lydia and Cindy don’t deserve to be here, and I’m going to call him on that. All of these people are damn liars, so I guess I’m going to have to start lying too—even though I am a damn bad liar. See? Gary called me on my damn idol lie—I couldn’t even lie about where the damn idol wasn’t without everyone seeing through me. Damn, man. Damn.
Heeeeey Budeee! You know, out of all the remaining survivors, you smell the least like week old crotch. Thank you so much for not voting me out! God bless you child! *hug* So....what is the deal, and who is going next? The only people I trust are you and Danni......Rafe, Cindy, Lydia, Judd, the howler monkey that does Cindy's hair, and the various species of birds nesting in Lydia's hair. I think there was an endangered titmouse in there yesterday. Yeah, I know I look like the pink panther but there is nothing I can do about it. *wakes up* What the steph? Where am I? OMG, I have been voted out! Jamie! Why do your eyebrows look like boomerangs? Stephy Jon? What are you doing man? Take off that wavy hat! Stephenie is everywhere! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo !
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Burntcrow, Dinahann, Mariner, mrdobolina, oneTVslave, Speedbump, Suncat7 and Totoro.