Standing in the Shadows: Episode Twelve
Here is the latest edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Palau. Each season our excellent staff has stood in the shadows of the Survivors just so you can find out what is really going on behind the scenes.
Man, good thing I can do other stuff, like eating half-formed duck embryos and solving jigsaw puzzles, because I can't hit the broad side of a barn from 10 ft. away with a paintball gun. What a crazy couple of days, I tells ya. I must be nearsighted or something, because even when the writing's on the wall, even when all the signs were pointing at Gregg being my numero uno threat, I refused to see it until Ian and Caryn approached me about it. And when Caryn's pointing out something you've missed, you know you're in trouble, brother. Gregg's been the little terrier nipping at the heels of me, the Big Dawg, for a while now. I thought that sooner or later, I would have to swat him on the nose with a rolled-up New York Post, but who knew that I would have to take him behind the barn so soon? If it comes down to shooting, though, I think I'll let Ian handle it. Moving target? Fuhgeddaboutit!
Oh. my. God. These clowns are going to pay. They had the nerve to vote out my puppet? They had the audacity to crush my plan to pieces? All of this happening while I was enjoying the company of cuddly dolphins with my sis? Ooooh, mortal fools, you’re going to get what’s coming to you! *Thunder strikes* If you thought my evil stare at Tribal Council was something, you just wait. I'm going to show them all who's the greatest UTR player of all-time! Gregg played it safe at the reward challenge, asking my permission to execute his next move. Good thing he listened to me and not Katie. Wrong choice, however, to bring her on the reward trip. That cost him the game. Poor Gregg with too many G’s, he’s going to have to sit on the jury and look at me win this whole game all by myself. It’s going to be tough, since I had complete control over him for so many days. I must rethink my plan of attack; either I go with Katie who’s anything but trustworthy, go with Caryn who has no fashion sense, go with Tom who’s quite handsome but I can’t control him…yet or go with Ian, who has no redeeming quality except for his job. In his final words, Gregg said he was eager to hang out with me after the game. Good thing I conveniently forgot to tell him that I have a boyfriend back home. His name is Ken, if you must know. Gregg did give me his roller blades before leaving. With this new weapon, I’m skating my way through the finals, baby!
Kyuk-kuk-click-kyuk-kyuk-kuk-click-kuk! Oh ho, what news do you bring me of the treacherous three, my dolphin friends? Katie has joined in Gregg and Jenn's plan to off us, eh? Good work, you all. A fish for each of you! (You know, in a way, I'm glad I didn't get selected to go on this reward trip. It would be just like another day at work!) You see, the suspicion that things weren't all as they seemed popped into my mind while we were playing the classic reward challenge "Answer Trivia and Snuff Out Your Friends" game. Katie, my friend, with whom I swore I'd take to the reward with me if I won, betrayed me! That scorpion woman! I knew if she'd sell me out for a night on the yacht, she'd certainly sell me out for a million dollars. All the control of the game was quickly spiraling out of Tom's and my hands! Thus, the plan was hatched to crush this rebellion, and it was quite the delicate operation. Like stealing a bag of potato chips from a fat man--which I have done often. As it all turned out, Tom and I, with Caryn's Oscar-worthy performance to aid us, pulled it off flawlessly, and ol' Gregg was shell-shocked to see his name written down so many times! As for Katie, well, I'm still in the denial phase of this breakup, so I talked with her before TC and told her all about the new plan. That couldn't come back to haunt me, could it?
I was just reading through my old journal entries and I must say that if this lawyer gig doesn’t work out, I can saddle up next to Dionne Warwick. I called it two weeks ago and I’ll say it again. I’m in this game to w-i-n! I squished my way into Tom’s alliance with minimal feather ruffling, which is more than I can say about Miss “git in ma bell-ay” Katie over there. The one or two times a day I have to look at her, I swear I see two buckets of chicken in her eyes. But she’s insignificant in this game. She’s like the annoying housefly bothering me while I suntan my taut, creamy body in my backyard. Eventually she’ll get swatted into a mushy mess. I don’t want it to seem like I am Wonder Woman, but I’m glad I was knocked out of the reward challenge. I’m not here to get a bikini wax on a yacht with a potential visit from my darling husband. No…I’m here to sweat and glisten in the sun so Tom can have some eye candy to look at. Damn people, get your priorities straight. *snicker* I’m starting to see a possible rift between Tom and Ian. I’ll just keep puckering my pouting lips and batting my puppy dog eyes when the time arises. Or play dumb…either one will work.
I’ve been flipping back and forth so much between Tom and Ian, and Gregg and his Pet Poodle, I feel like a newly-caught fish in the bottom of the outrigger flopping around. Gregg came up with an excellent bribe, though, by taking me on his overnight reward, even though I had to share him with that little Blonde Gnat. But I soon forgot all about her, once I realized we were going to be joined on the yacht by our loved ones. My sister can’t travel right now (at least that’s what she told Jeff), but my brother-in-law pretended to be my favorite loved one. I don’t want anyone to realize I don’t have any friends, so I tried to make a big deal about him being there. I’m sure I pulled it off, because no one on the island is as good an actress as me. I know Caryn could never be convincing enough to fool anyone, ha! I’ve heard that Tom refers to me as the Shady Lady Katie…hey, the saying is ‘Slim Shady,’ bucko. It’s not my fault every piece of food I eat settles for life on my hips, thighs, arms, tummy, butt…grrrr. In the end, I decided it was to my benefit to stick with my buddies, Ian and Tom, if for no other reason than to see that Blonde Skirt’s shocked expression at TB. Now that was a hoot! Let’s see how our Blonde Princess does without her Snuggly Bear to protect and cuddle her, heheh. But I’ve got some tough decisions ahead of me now, because I know if I’m in the F2 with Ian or Tom, I’ll never win, because as we all know, people don’t like us beautiful and funny women (just ask Sarah W. from The Bachelor). But I’m tough, powerful, and manipulative deep inside…why, if I wanted to, I could even make a boy cry…
And finally. . . .
Okay. What just happened here? How come I have 4 votes and Caryn only has 2? That was NOT the plan! How did this happen? My plan and my alliance were solid. Jenn told me so. Let‘s see. Stephenie was a strong player, and I could have persuaded her to join my alliance, but Jenn didn‘t like her. So the right thing to do was to get rid of Stephenie. At today’s RC, I snuffed out the 3 that were not in my circle of trust. Ian is a smart guy, but even with his dolphin mind-melt, there was no way he could have figured out who all was in my alliance. I promised Katie I wouldn’t dunk her torch, but it was between her and Jenn. The only logical thing for me to do was to ask Jenn what she thought I should do. She discreetly made the the international sign ‘slit throat’ while looking at Katie. Those outside my circle of trust are not cultured enough to even understand what that sign meant. When I won, I decided to take my entire alliance with me on the reward. I could have taken Ian or Tom and left Jenn behind so she could make sure that no revolt rose up against us. But she wanted to come so bad, that I just couldn't say no to my Jenn. Anyway, Tom and Ian are always busy fishing so they would not have had time to plot against anyone. Hmmm… or did they? Whatever it was, those guys got me good. I was totally ambushed. Meh…I had a wonderful experience, and an experience like this is nothing when you don’t have people that you love around to share it with. I love you guys. Ugh...No. Not in that way, Coby. What I do know is that I can’t wait to see my girl Jenn again and be part of her Barbie world. I hear life in plastic is so fantastic!
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Cali, Eny, Feifer, Ilikai, John, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Miss Filangi, oneTVslave, Phat32, Roseskid, Shazzer, Silverstar, Spegs, Speedbump, Texicana, and Wolf.