Standing in the Shadows: Episode Eight
Here is the latest edition of ďStanding in the ShadowsĒ for Palau. Each season our excellent staff has stood in the shadows of the Survivors just so you can find out what is really going on behind the scenes.
My mom always said ďBe careful what you wish for,Ē and now I see what she meant. First, I was wishing that Ibrehem would go home so that I could stay in the game. I am glad that panned out, but living with Bobby Jon alone is a nightmare. Heís like a cavemanÖor Homer Simpson. Seriously, we are talking snot-rockets on the sleeping sand! Then I was wishing that I wouldnít have to eat anymore duck eggsóand I didnít have to, but Bobby Jon couldnít beat Tom (again). No soap for Ulong. And BJ reeks. So I began wishing that I wouldnít have to smell him anymore, and, what do you know, we lost the immunity challenge. We started out okay, but then there was this puzzle, and, well, Ulong doesnít do puzzles. Plus, Jeff ratted me out when he saw me cheating off the Koror word search. Your tab is mounting, Probst. I really wanted to stay in the game, and then I was able to beat Bobby Jon at the tribal challenge. But now what? This cave is sort ofÖspooky. For the longest time Iíve been wanting to face Koror alone. And I really do think I can take them without the dead weight. ButÖwhoís going to gather coconuts and spear whole mouthfuls of fish per day? Itís so quiet here. SoÖeerie. Hello? HelloÖhelloÖ.helloÖ *sniff sniff* I almost miss the sound of the snot-rockets.
Hanging out with Jen is great, but she's starting to reek a little. I know I don't smell like roses either, but I'm a guy. It was a great day, when Tom and Ian won fresh water plus bath products for our team at the reward challenge. My girl was so excited about cleaning up and smelling good for me. Actually, all of us could use a good scrubbing, but Tom would have none of that. Who does he think he is? The Big Cheese? Hmmm...maybe that's why we have all these rats tap dancing on our table. As I was saying, I didn't appreciate Tom telling my girl that she couldn't have her shower. Now is not the time for me to mess up my game, but I'll make him pay later. Smelly and all, my girl, is still the prettiest girl on the island.
*tee hee* This game is so much fun. And to think I thought it would hard. I suppose once we get to every player for themselves itíll get nasty but for now Iím enjoying being waited on hand and foot by the studs who surround us. Heck, even Katie and I can sit at the same table. I love it when Tom offers up his creamy coconut milk, freshly spilt from the tall tree he climbed, making sure my thirst is quenched before he offers up sloppy seconds to the rest of the Tribe. Of course because weíve won so much there isnít much to do but sit around and soak up the sun. Iím getting more blonde each day which is very nice. Iíve even sat out a few challenges. I have to conserve my
mojo energy for when Tom calls me up to the plate. Speaking of challenges, I for one, wanted nothing more than to endulge myself in a shower; lathering up and imitating those Herbal Essence commercials. But nooo, Tom the tough guy had to put a guilt trip on us. Just give me one gallon of water, thatís all I ask. I feel grody to the max and I desperately want to feel sexy, what with my tomboy haircut and all. I need all the edge I can get when Stephenie joins us. Oh great. Another cheerleader with perky ta-ta's for the guys to look at. Canít a girl catch a break! Anyways, Iím done writing for now. Itís time to be fed fish and then nap.
Everywhere I go, people always ask me the same question. "Ian, how can you eat sooooo much when you're sooooo skinny?" Easy. I have a hollow leg! Yuk yuk, isn't that funny? Psssh. I tell ya, you have a high metabolism and people look at you like you're some kind of freak. Speaking of which, did you see Bobby Jon at that challenge today? Dude, last time I checked, jumping up and down and punching yourself in the face doesn't help you out when you're trying to swallow a huge mouthful of "food." Of course, when you're trying to force down the equivalent of five eggs in one gulp, maybe it's all for the better. I, on the other hand, am proud that I was an eatin' force to be reckoned with today. People thought that perhaps I'd have trouble, but I'm fresh out of college. I knew all that live goldfish-swallowing experience would help me some day! Come to think of it, back in those days, we bought Scope when we couldn't afford booze, so I guess things are really coming full circle. More winterfresh, anyone? *hic*
Donít even get me started. I was quiet all this time but I couldnít take it anymore. I ask for one simple thing, a tiny little gallonÖ or tenÖ of water and I look like a crazy person. Tom, the hot yet smelly leader of our tribe, has sealed his fate. No more chances to redeem yourself! Thatís it! All I wanted was to take a shower, to smell good for Gregg, but no, of course, I get scolded like Iím a baby. I wasnít the only one who wanted to wash up. Poor Janu needed a shower so bad, there was a family of rats residing in her hair! I am quite happy with doing nothing around camp. Iím dirty enough as it is, donít they have any sympathy? As I was sitting in the hammock with Gregg, my previous life as a pop princess came right back in my memories. I donít know if it was a dream, but these lyrics just came flowing back in my mind. "I canít stop this feeling, deep inside of me. Gregg you just donít realize, that youíre getting smelly. When you hold me, in your arms so tight, You let me know, you need a bubble bath..." Ooga, ooga, ooga chaka. Thank you.
When I first got to the island, I knew I would do anything to get my showgirl hands on that million dollars. I mean, we see lots of money exchanging hands in Vegas, but I never get to see more than $100 at a time. With the poor conditions weíve been putting up with, though, this is turning out to be a lot harder than I expected. We have the great shelter, sure, but itís not carpeted. We have lots of food, but itís not served buffet-style, and we do have time for sunbathing, but there arenít any cabana boys putting Pina Coladas in my hand. And, letís face it, thereís nothing like hearing a big band announce your entrance, too. I think I miss that most of all. I guess Iíll have to settle for the boys serving me fish and coconut milk at a picnic table, and be satisfied with Ianís singing and dancing to entertain me. Now, if youíll excuse me, Iím going to take a nap in the hammock and dream of all the sexy men I left behind at the craps tables.
I donít know what Cobyís problem is. I kind of like watching the rats play around camp. In fact, I think Iíll get my boys a pet rat when I get home. The reward challenge was fun; nothing like a competition that allows for a little trash talking and good natured joshing. I wonder if I can convince people to play stickball back at the beach with one of those coconuts we have lying around. It was even better because I got to do the competition with my boy Ian. That Stephenie is one tough woman. Iíd love to have her in my ladder company back home. When Bobby Jon and I had the eat-off to see who would win the water and hygiene products, I was determined to beat him yet again. I used my patented two-hand technique and managed to swallow that last beak just in the nick of time. The only problem is Iím going to have to explain to my eight year old daughter why daddy was eating baby ducklings. Hmmm, I better come up with a way to distract her when that episode is aired. When we got back to camp, I asserted my leadership skills to make a decision in everyoneís best interests just like I do as a lieutenant. Now that Ulong is extinct, Ian, Katie, and I are looking forward to reuniting with Stephenie. Iíve got my eye on Gregg and Jenn to make sure they donít start a mutiny.
What can I say? Life is good at Koror. We still have so many members on our tribe, it allows for a lot of time lounging and eating. Iíve got a great deal going here. Ian and Tom have included me in their alliance, and so far all Iíve had to do is put on a puppet show now and then. The men provide all the food, and proceed to serve us. Now that weíve got soap and shampoo, it will be even easier to get them to do our bidding for us. They wonít be able to resist our clean, seductive ways. *gives knowing wink* But change is in the wind (along with a stench coming from Ulongís beach), and things are going to be shaken up soon enough. Weíre entering the phase of the game known as Individual Immunity, and then watch out. There will be no more playful wroar's coming from us. No sirree, itís going to be WROAR from now on, as we disintegrate into eating our own. I'm well-rested, and well-fed, and I say, bring it on!
Iíve always said, Iím a feminist. And by that I mean a person who hates lazy bitches who sit on their ass all day and get waited on hand and foot. Iíve had it up to here with Jen, Katie and Janu. Theyíre not good for anything but wasting air and attracting rats, and if something really hot and painful and accidental, of course, were to happen to them...*wink*Öwell, I wouldnít lose any sleep over it. What I am losing sleep over is the nasty state of Camp Koror! These people are pigs! Theyíre all - oh, gee, I wonder where all the rats are coming from? I guess Iíll throw some more food on the ground while I think about it. Get real, people. If you have to mount the head of your kill and hang it up for everyone to see what a man you are, well Ė we all know what youíre trying to compensate for, ya get my drift? These fools may not notice me working my speedo-clad tail off for them around camp, but at least Iím finally getting some respect for bringing home <strike>Little Willard</strike> the immunity idol week after week. You think Iím a winner now? Iíll show you a winner, Iíll show all of you! Buwahaha!
And finally. . . .
Once ah say sumpthin itís over an done , Even when I have dead birds stuffed in mah mouth. Donít go telling me I shouldníta stuffed em all in there at once neither. Thatís how Sunday suppers go back home. At least they did befer ah moved ta El-lay . Ihím really sick of that Tom feller , Hero or no. Then we git back ta camp and Stephs belleriní about snot rockets en such. Ya gotta clear the brain ta think fer stratugy says I. If that challenge wusnít a durn puzzle agin , weída won. When I got mah dimploma fer journalizm from the Uncle Jesse Hazzard Memorial skule , theyíre werenít no dang word puzzles involved. Ah have ta say Jeff tried to give me the advantage by making the challenge a fire lightiní one. That Steph never lit one durn fire the whole time we were there. Ah canít bílieve she smoked me, and I might have justa won had I minded my own business. I just couldnít take mah eyes away. At least Jeff was decent and let me walk away like man , and didnít give me no lip. I woulda smoked his hide if he hada.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Cali, Eny, Feifer, Ilikai, John, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Miss Filangi, oneTVslave, Phat32, Roseskid, Shazzer, Silverstar, Spegs, Speedbump, Texicana, and Wolf.