Standing in the Shadows: Episode 7
Here is the latest edition of ďStanding in the ShadowsĒ for Palau. Each season our excellent staff has stood in the shadows of the Survivors just so you can find out what is really going on behind the scenes.
Me and Steph has had had a strong alli-unce all through this game even though me and Ib are both Bama boys. Those other guys think they'r workin' smarta then us, but we have a plan. So what if I kin only ketch them little bitty fish. I dindt see Ib or Steph do eny better. So whut if we only speld out the tribe name fer thet challenge. Probst prolly wanted us to actully put SOS fer an SOS . Whers the spunk there? That Probst guys gotta go . I can't wait til I can whup him. I wuz just gettin' warmed up when I wuz taken out as calla in the last challunge. I wuz just gittin warmed up. We wulda won fer sure. Prolly Probst agin. To bad Ib hadta go, but better him then me. I coulda never lived it down back home if I hada been stuck with another guy. We'll win the next one one fer sure. Whut ? You think Iím Jokin?
I have this love-hate relationship with Tom. I hate how perfect he is, but I love how perfect he is. Of course he doesnít know any of this. Iím usually reduced to schoolgirl giggles and the batting of my eyelashes when he comes within three feet of me. Then he has to go and capture Jaws. My goodness I felt like a teenager on prom night. The giant clam and shark were scrum-deliumptious and I heard that shark contains properties that help with thinking and clarity. Eating it couldnít have come at a perfect time. Gregg, Katie and I chose to do the S.O.S. sign on the beach. Iím sure all the otherís in the tribe thought we didnít have a chance in heck but we surprised them. Gregg couldnít get the fire going but we had that big-ass arrow pointing to our sign which worked well. Katie seems to be mellowing out a bit. We worked really well together. Sheís still useless, donít get me wrong. As long as I can show that I am a factor in winning and not losing, I think I have shot.
So Ian has caught a clam, Tom has caught a shark, I think Iíll get all bloodied up and run out and catch me an octopus to prove Iím a man. Not. Why should I, when I can just kick back with my legs crossed and let these others around me try to out-macho each other? Iím eating good while I can, because once Gregg and I decide to take those two out, we may just have to get used to dining on burnt rope and coconut. Iím glad Gregg won the Reward Challenge for us. Its not as if we need the food, I mean, Iím still burping up shark steak Ė but it will be good to have those meals for later, and Iím thinking that if Ulong goes a few more days without eating anything substantial, Bobby Jon might just lose his shorts. Aw, shucks. Lucky for us, I ruled the Immunity Challenge. I was all over that puzzle and worked it in true Cobemeister fashion. It felt great when Jeff handed me the immunity idol, but since it looks so much like Willard, I got a little choked up. This oneís for you, old buddy.
Things couldnít be better here at camp Koror. Weíre eating good. Weíve got a good shelter. We keep winning. Iím having a good time playing house with Jen, but Iím by no means losing sight of the million dollars. Coby might be a little jealous because itís so obvious that heís got the hots for me, but the others donít seem to mind my ďrelationshipĒ with Jen. Iím playing such a smooth game, that nothing can go wrong. I did try to catch a shark, but good old Tom beat me to it. That mad man just whacked the shark in the head with the machete. He practically made shark-a-bobs right there on the beach. Itís all good, though. I got to show off my skills at the RC. Caryn, Katie, and I built a great rescue sign. I told the girls not to worry about me because I would take care of lighting up the bushels next to the slogan . For some stupid reason, the bushel wouldnít light up so we had no smoke signals. We still won because the people on the plane saw a gleaming light coming from my teeth. Let's see the great white shark hunter beat that!!
Call me Ian. Some weeks ago--never mind how long precisely--having little or no money in my purse, and nothing but my dolphins to interest me on the shore, I thought I would come on Survivor and see another watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation, you know. Now, whenever I find my tribe-mates growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in their souls--then, I account it high time to provide food as soon as I can. With a philosophical flourish Janu throws herself upon the hammock; I quietly go fishing. With swiftness I dove under the sea, where before my eye there appeared a great white clam. I knew if I were to be the provider, this was my chance! With victory in my heart, I emerged from the depths with my prize, and how well we ate that night. But then, Tom, a man of great valor, returned from his own hunt with his own great prize--a shark? Aw, man, what the heck!? Just when I was starting to make an impression with my dramatic narrative here! I suppose the next move I'll have to make will be to bring home the Great White Whale, but then what next? I fear that Tom will plunge into the deep and bring home Cthulhu himself, just to keep one-upping me. *sigh* Nevertheless, a wild, mystical feeling is in me; Tom's quenchless feud seems mine. I grin at thee, thou grinning whale!
Could this tribe BE any more pathetic? I'm happy that Stephenie changed her mind half-way through the last tribal council, but that wasn't very sharp of her. She would have had James' vote, but now she's on her own. She's got to know that Bobby Jon and I are tight. We're both waiters from the same state, so we've got that Alabama Server Connection which she just can't touch.
As James would say "Dab-nabbit" we didn't win the reward challenge. I wonder if we misspelled ULONG? Perhaps it should have been SO-LONG for everyone who has to be part of this pathetic tribe.
Good grief, Charlie Brown, I thought I was going to drown trying to move around those tiles for hours in the water while Bobby Jon and then Steph had no clue how to make the star design. Well at least it wasn't my fault. And Bobby Jon and I are so tight, there is no way I'm leaving tonight.
Say what, Jeff? Dayam! Good luck Steph and BJ. I'll see one of you next week.
Pound for pound, I am one of the best Survivor contestants--ever. Unfortunately, I weigh only -70 lbs. No, I didn't lose 70 lbs. while I've been on the island. I weigh negative 70 lbs. now, as in, if I stepped on a scale, it would go west of the zero. I don't know how things got this bad for me. One moment, I'm dancing topless in a Vegas revue, my boobies out there for any high-roller with a comp for a free show (and two free drinks) to ogle, and bang!, the next second, I'm sitting around a campfire, discussing the best way to cook shark. I thought that my skills as a Las Vegas showgirl would translate directly to living on an island. Where did I go wrong? As I continue to become even more obscure and irrelevant, I hang on to Tom's promise that I'll make the jury. Well, that's a lofty goal worth pursuing. Maybe I'll just continue fading into the background. Better yet, I'll just stand behind this baby palm tree and disappear from sight. Boo-hoo-hoo!
It feels so good to be invincible. I won that immunity challenge by myself! You donít believe me? Letís get real. Janu could collapse at any second so that makes me look real good. I had to work with Coby, even if he was being annoying today. Jen and Gregg sitting in a hammock, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! Please. Gregg is standoffish with me. How dare he think even for one second about the game and not me, me, me, 24 hours a day? Of course, he doesnít realize that my powers automatically make me win the game. If I told him the truth, then he could spend less time thinking and more time praising me. Sheesh, is that too much to ask? He even had the nerve to ask me if he should put on his date clothes. If thatís his idea of a joke, Iím not laughing. Or speaking! Nuh uh. See, I look at this game like my job; itís my playground and these survivors are the kids I take care of. I even get to invite over my boyfriend when I want to. All I know is if I were really stranded on a deserted island, I would not bring Gregg with me. Dude canít even start a fire to make a proper SOS signal! Iíll just call up Ianís dolphin, Isidor, and he will rescue me.
Look upon my cellulite and tremble, mere mortals! When I learned I had been accepted for Survivor, I sighed and thought I suppose I'm the token sexy character for that season. So to appease my millions of male fans (not to mention my secret admirers on the island), I wear my French-cut bikini panties to all the challenges. The sight of me inspires Koroar to win, I bet, and it's also why Ulong men do so poorly. They stand around with their mouths open, staring at me. Sometimes, I think those are looks of disgust, but I'm sure they're just trying to cover their infatuation. Tee hee. When I'm not "getting jiggy with it," I like to put on sock-puppet shows for my tribe mates. They laugh at my zany antics, but little do they know I'm laughing behind their backs--I'm the puppetmaster, you see, but not when I put a sock on my hand...er, wait. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a puppet master with a sock on my hand, but I'm also the puppet master at camp...or so I think. BWA HA HA HA! (That's my evil laughter I'm practicing.)
No, Iím not sunburned (that would be impossible with my incredibly deep tan). Iím blushing. Being on Ulong is sooooo embarrassing. Every week we set a new record for losing. Weíre going to be named on those stupid Pringlesí trivia chips for our unsurpassed incompetence. Will there be a foot note revealing how well I did individually at every challenge? How I out-shot the great Tom? How I wrestled every Koror woman into submission? How I was the only woman to carry my sand to the end of the ring-around-the-rosy thing? Nope. It will just say: Name the last female member of the losing-est tribe in Survivor history. And then the answer will spell my name wrong. At this point, I donít even want to mergeóI just want redemption. Please, Burnett! Please let me take on Koror by myself! Mano a mano. That would be sweet. Then the chip will say: Name the only one-member tribe to make it to the finals by means of an astounding streak of immunity wins. ÖAnd then the answer will spell my name wrong.
At my age, you have to work hard to maintain your physical edge. Now that itís too late to fool anyone into thinking Iím a harmless older man, I decided to carry out my rigorous exercise routine on the beach where the others can see me. I was so proud of my boy Ian when he brought in that clam. I couldnít let him outdo me though. Just like I wonít be able to let my kids beat me at horse until they are really better than me. To show Ian who is the man, I went after that shark like a madman with a machete and then dove on it. Once the adrenaline wore off and I noticed the blood on my shoulder, I realized that the guys at the firehouse are going to love it and my wifeís going to make me sleep on the couch for being so foolish. Iím pretty sure I can charm my way back into her good graces fast. Even though I know it is too late to get the enormous target off my back, I decided to sit out both challenges with Ian. Boy was that hard for me. Iím not very good at sitting passively by while others take care of business. Ask my wife. She threw me out of the delivery room when each of our three kids was born. Something about me complaining that wished I could just give birth myself. Iím starting to see that Iím going to be in trouble once it is individual immunity at stake. I need to keep my eye on Gregg and Jenn. They are a lot too close for comfort. Hopefully my hint about the consequences of taunting me got through to my tribe mates
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Cali, Eny, Feifer, Ilikai, John, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Miss Filangi, oneTVslave, Phat32, Roseskid, Shazzer, Silverstar, Spegs, Speedbump, Texicana, and Wolf.