I donít have a clue as to what my game plan is going to be at this point Ė all I know is I barely survived the last Tribal Council. Iíve got to find a way to get in tight with this tribe Ė and quick. Iíve been brainstorming and I think so far Iím going to try working some partial nudity into my strategy. I mean, hey, it worked for Jenna Morasca and Richard Hatch Ė albeit not for the same reasons. Iím just going to wear as little clothes as possible, and if something slips Ė well, maybe the guys wonít be so quick to vote me off. I sure am glad I wore these tiny panties. When it came time for the reward challenge I decided I was going to show the rest of my tribe exactly what Iím made of (literally), and managed to expose both breasts while totally kicking ass! Sweet! My tribe was totally impressed and told me how much I rocked, kissing and hugging on me Ė Ashlee even grabbed my butt. It looks like everyone got a little fired up over us winning the flint Ė hehe Ė or maybe my strategy is already working. Since Iím in like flynn now, it is time to turn the attention to someone else for the chopping block. I noticed that Kim and Jeff were starting to get really cozy, and I started pointing it out to the other tribemates. We canít let these two go all Romber on us and win the whole thing. Not if I can help it.
This Survivor stuff is hard. I'm a tough girl, but that obstacle course was just too much. Koror was actually throwing stuff at us and trying to knock us down, ON PURPOSE. They were just mad because we won, I'm sure. Later, the guys managed to go fishing and caught some fish. I wasn't eating any because I don't like fish, but they made a big deal about it. The only meat I'll eat is chicken. Why can't they go catch a chicken and fry it or something. I wasn't really surprised to be voted out, though. They're all nice, but I'm tired and I want to go home. It wasn't as fun as I thought it would be.
Well it was rough at first without Jo and no one knowin' what do and all. Then James told us we were Americans and it didn't matter if we knew what we were doin'. That girl Angie sure kicked everyones hind end in the reward challenge. The folks back home wouldn't approve of someone that looked like that , but I tell ya my eyes were sure opened. I got clobbered and bloody too. I hope there ain't no scars. Everyone likes me because I'm so purty. I'd hate to ruin that. Then when the other challenge came it sure was a disaster. All these other purty folks can't swim or dive. Everyone knows ya don't go in the water. Ya just look purty next to it. Then everyone was arguing over who to get rid of. I didn't much care as long they were talking and it wasn't me. I just sit back and take orders just like I do back home.
When I think something is wrong, you can bet your sweet patootie Iím going to voice my opinion. Thatís why I had to confront Tom regarding his decision to pick the new tribe location. Ugh! I hate rats and I hate being in new places, especially when itís a knee jerk reaction. I loved how he tried to say other people wanted to move as well. Yeah right! If we were back in the States, I would have his ass in court so fast. I donít know what for, but I would think of something. It sure wouldíve been nice to win the fishing gear but our main concern was finding the flint. Whew! We found it which was a good thing. I think the minimal tensions going on were because of lack of fire. We have a strong team so far. I can look past any personality conflicts as long as weíre winning. Besides, the longer I stay in the game, the sexier my abs become.
Our first night on the new island was a real buzzkill. Everyone was down in the dumps over losing the flint and having no fire. Gregg seemed particularly bummed so I tried to console him. I said, ďLook man, itís a bummer, but we have to think of it as a car accident. Once the shock wears off, weíll get through it.Ē Together. When some of the members of my tribe went out in the boat to look for the flint, I thought it would be smart for me to stay behind with Caryn. I believe Iíll be keeping my eye on her Ė she seems like she could turn out to be trouble, and that may not be so good for Coby. I was sure the boat was way off course and those guys would never find the flint, but they did! Now weíve got our flint and weíre flaminí, baby! I was so proud of my tribe, I just couldnít wait for them to get back so I could hug Gregg and the others. At the reward challenge, I didnít do so hot, even though I tried to use my Tai Chi skills to stay balanced on the barrels. I donít know why that didnít work. Stupid barrels. At least I did great at the immunity challenge, when it really counted. Iím really smart with learning stuff like Morse code, so I got all up in that puzzle and we nailed it before the young hotties from Ulong were even halfway to shore. Ha! Thatíll show Ďem.
People look to me for leadership just because of my good looks. But you know, I'm so tired of that gig. Besides, everyone knows that in this game, strong leaders usually get a big target on their backs. Already Carin was aiming for Tom since she said it was his idea choosing to come to a new island. I don't want any of that mess right now. Tom and Aquaman are doing a good job at carrying this team. I'll just stand in the background and look pretty......for now.
It was a calling, I tell you. Not an option, but a necessity. Koror's morale was low after our amazing death-spiral swirly while paddling to the new island, and something had to be done to turn the team back around. Thinking a win at the reward challenge would surely do the trick, I knew I had to try my best to inspire and lead the tribe to victory. Honestly, I think I was expected to cross the obstacle course in about two steps, but what my tribe-mates failed to see was that I was also a pretty easy target for the sandbag-swingers. Oomph! Still feelin' that one. So with that challenge a completely pointless blowout, I knew what I had to do. The currents were strong, the wind was strong...I had to be strong. Though my gangly limbs were assailed by the ocean's mighty tide, I fought to the bottom, wrangled the rope around our sunken treasure, and recovered the flint. Huzzah! With such a tremendous turnaround and the power of fire on our side, we bowled over Ulong in the immunity challenge. I'm not sure if this is more a compliment to us or another example of their astounding lack of common sense and general ineptitude. If they keep up their current state of cluelessness, maybe one day I won't have to keep being the big hero! And speaking of heroes...boy howdy, I'm hungry.
When I first applied for Survivor, I started preparing. I practiced making fire, even though that just ain't happening without a flint. Seriously, have you ever gotten a fire started with just some twigs and a rock? That's crazy talk. I practiced for physical challenges, making sure that I'm in super-hawt shape for the cameras. I practiced eating terrible stuff by hanging out at my friend Joe's house, as Joe's wife makes the worst burritos you've ever eaten in your life. Damn, I hope Joe's wife isn't reading this. What I never practiced for was the sheer boredom and loneliness of being with this freaky group of strangers with nothing to do but stare at each other while we're starving. You know what would really pass the time . . . if I started snuggling up with one of the young ladies here. It seems to be working well for some of my other tribemates. Too bad Ashlee just got voted out, as she's been eyeing me up as a potential bunk-mate for a couple days now.
Because of a stupid, rash decision, we are sitting on our new beach in the dark, with no shelter and no fire. Iím so cold my teeth are chattering, but at least weíve got coconuts to gnaw on. Speaking of gnawing, as I walked off into the darkness, several rats jumped out at me, and freaked me out. Suddenly I had a flashback to when I was a little girl, and my mother would be brushing my exotic, curly locks. As sheíd be trying to get the snarls out of my unruly mane, sheíd refer to my hair as a Ďratís nestí. Oh I wish I hadnít remembered thatÖwill the rats nest in my hair? Now Iíll never be able to sleep tonight. I have to keep reminding myself that it's Ďmind over matter,í but with the rats, I do mind and it does matter. Oh well, tomorrowís another day. Weíre all up early, and as we prepare for our current challenge. Iím glad that some of my hobbies are scuba diving, surfing, and rock climbingÖsurely these will help us out today. Oh no, an obstacle course, with no scuba tanks, surfboards or rocks involved. Rats! OooohhhÖthereís that word again. No sleeping again tonightÖ
I tell you what, man, gettin' rid of that ol' bossy Jolanda was a great idea. We ain't livin' under a dictator, man. We ain't commies. We're Americans, we don't need no direction. We're gonna do democracy. Live and let live, and all that. We don't need nobody tellin' us what to do, man.
We went into that first challenge, and I tell you what, when ol' Jeff held up that fishin' gear, I thought I'd up and died and gone to heaven. I just about live for fishin'. Well, and Nascar. But mostly fishin'. Back home, my idea of a perfect Saturday is me, my bass boat and a whole mess of bait. So soon as Jeff said "fishin' gear" I knew it was ON. I bet this place has got some awesome catfish, man.
We didn't do so hot in the immunity challenge. And I blame that ol' blonde girl, whatever her name is. She just floated around like a dang fishin' lure. You know what I do with lures that don't catch nothin'? I throw 'em out, man. But no, she's done found her a boytoy, and he saved her lazy hide this time. I tell you what, man, this democracy thing, the way it emphasizes votin' and all, it ain't all it's cracked up to be.
When we met up with Koror on the beach I was so happy to find out that they lost their flint. During the challenge it was fun knocking people off the course. Angie really showed what she was made of on this one and came through with flag after flag. Everyone seemed to come together this time and we dominated. Kim brought in the winning flag and she looked really good our there. Kim looks good everywhere, but I am not going to let that cloud my judgement. As soon as we got the fire started at camp I went fishing. The first fish was tiny, but it was better than nothing. Then I found a giant clam and that should give us a little more to chew on. I sure hope that Koror does not find their flint because I like having the advantage. For the first time we have something besides coconut to eat and Ashlee didnít want any. We need to work hard as a team and we donít need anyone slowing us down. It sure is nice to have someone to keep you warm at night. My bed buddy Kim sure does the trick. We lost the immunity challenge and now we have to send another person home. Talk around camp is that it is going to be Kim or Ashlee. I say Kim is going nowhere. Ashlee is the one slowing us down. She is hardly even part of the group. Who cares what that hillbilly thinks. I donít take orders from him. As far as I am concerned Ashlee is out.
Talk about a rough night. The rats, the cold and losing the flint were just some of the things that went wrong. I had no problem with the reward challenge but that slowpoke Katie really did us in. My fluffy, cuddly and cutie Gregg kept me warm that night and protected me from the rats of Godzilla-like proportions. I wouldíve asked Ian since I figured his incredibly long and giggly arms could protect me, but, alas, he said that I was too young for him! Iím 32 years old, dang it! Donít make me use my super-secret Gerber-Pampers© attack on y'all!
Caryn is so annoying. She just keeps going on and on about how miserable our new beach is and how not everyone wanted to come here in the first place. Well, get over it Caryn. There is no going back now.
Man! Tarzan I am not. Swinging during the reward challenge was difficult but I kept trying. Too bad I was too tuckered out to get back across.
The entire tribe did a happy dance on the beach once the flint was recovered from the deep. Warm fire and safe water here we come!
It was so nerve racking watching everyone struggle with the immunity challenge. I did my part by cheering them on from the beach. It worked quite well.
Pfffft. Like my hum....per...cuddliness with Jeff's leg/thigh/kissable chest has ANYTHING to do with the GAME. He just keeps me WARM. Duh! Stupid team. *sigh* If I knew they wanted me to stop, well then I would definitely be considerate of their feelings and immediately, immediately cease....... cuddling near them and go ahead and move it under a mound of sand or under the canoe or under Ashlee's enormous bra. The beach is cold. That's all that's going on. Who cares if our nimble fingers trace our carved young bodies...you need friction for warmth! Ever see two sticks rubbed together to make fire? I'm the stick. Physics, people, PHYSICS! I plan to earn my way through this entire game, even if I have to just sit and float there and provide completely silent, strong, chihuahua support during the challenges. They couldn't hear me, but I was holding onto that raft with a big, "Go team!" pulsing in my little toy-breed heart! *sniff* I DO love all of these people. It's.....*lip quivers*...it's amazing how close you get to people-especially-Jeff in a short six days. I mean I love them all/Jeff. *sniff* They almost voted me out, but I'll prove my worth to them soon! I swear it! *holds victory paw in air*
Iím feeling pretty good about the game. Not that the Ulong tribe doesnít suck giant clams, but I can overcome that. Sooner or later, this game is going to be individual, and nobody deserves the win more than me. I do it all. Iím awake at the crack of dawn, keeping up my personal hygiene (and let me tell you, this would be a more pleasant island if others would follow my example). Iím setting the island fashion trendsónote how my Sue Ellen Mishke homage is all the rage now. I could give Tarzan a run for his money on the rope swing, and I run a balance beam like a minx! Youíd think I was worried about immunity the way I hauled at that submerged chest, but even I canít win these things single-handed. Then add to all this my game savvy because, boy howdy, do I strategize! They all come to me, begging for my opinion. I get this game. I see the Romber potential inherent in Ulongís own little cuddle bunnies, even if no one else does. Kim is the threat, but I submerged under the radar and helped take out Ashlee to protect myself. Finally, the icing on the cake: my glorious honesty. Iím the one who let Kim and Ashlee have it straight and told them they were on the chopping block. Such integrity is sure to be rewarded in this game. Iíve got it in the bag.
My wife told me not to let myself get thrust into the role of leader. Sorry about that hon. Itís what I do every day as a lieutenant. I feel a great deal of responsibility for the men and women under my command, and I guess it showed. I didnít feel too good about my decision to move to a new island after my instincts let me and our fire supplies down. The women seemed to be freaked by the rats at our new beach. Crap, I see bigger rodents than that at every fire site I visit. Caryn tried to confront me about my rash decision to take Koror to a new beach. Lucky for me, I went to that management training seminar a week before I left for Palau. I used the techniques I learned there to act like I cared what she thought, take some responsibility, and defuse a potentially divisive situation. I made another decision I second guessed before the reward challenge. I chose to swing the sandbags because I thought I could knock people off. Turned out, I should have been running the course. We got spanked. I wonít make that mistake again. Things really picked up for us when Ian managed to retrieve the fire supplies from the bottom of the ocean. Iíd run into a burning building with that boy anytime. Once we got the flint back to our camp, Ian and I started a fire. There was no way we were losing that immunity challenge. I used my scuba breathing training to stay underwater as long as possible and mostly with Ianís help, we willed ourselves to victory. Once we got to the beach with the mess kits, we were a well-oiled machine spelling out immunity. I feel like my unit is unstoppable now. If we happen to lose to those hapless, leaderless Ulongs, weíll figure out who we need to sacrifice for the good of the unit.
Once again I proved my incredible value to this tribe. Sure, there is a time and place for the physical types to take over, and yes, I too like my eye candy, but letís face it, I completely saved us this week. You doubt me? Consider this: When Katie couldnít negotiate the first rope swing in the reward challenge, who calmly observed from the sidelines and told her to keep her knees up? Thatís right, it was me. Then after we returned to camp so Ian could go hunting for our flint box, who led the all important cheerleading section from the beach? Yup, me again. Most importantly, during the immunity challenge, only I had the foresight to slowly swim out to the platform, allowing me to completely take in all the implications of the challenge ahead of us, and frankly, you saw the end result. I think I have made my point. I hope the folks at home watching realize that I am the key to success for Koror, as clearly Ian would not be the superstar that he is if I were not around.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Cali, Eny, Feifer, Ilikai, John, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Miss Filangi, oneTVslave, Phat32, Roseskid, Shazzer, Silverstar, Spegs, Speedbump, Texicana, and Wolf