Have you ever sat back in your comfy chair and watched a sporting event and not cared who won?
You’re an aficionado. You watch to see good play rewarded and may the best team win.
No me. I have to have someone to root for, or failing that, against.
I once watched two minutes of the World Poker Tour and despite my complete inability to play the game and total lack of knowledge of the players, I had my favourite picked out within the first ten seconds and cheered him on despite not really knowing what was going on or even if he was all that good.
My rather meandering point is this, now Ami’s “Ovaries Only” policy has deprived me of my Chad, I have to find someone else to cheer for. Before this episode started I would never have thought bearing the burden of my hopes and expectations would have fallen on the sharply protruding shoulder bones of Eliza.
Previously on Survivor:
Chad got voted out.
The Survivor’s are barely back to camp before Chris pulls Julie, Eliza and Leann aside to tell them about Scout and Twila’s failed plan to boot Eliza.
Hey, why not?
He’s packing a set of testicles so he’s on borrowed time anyway, might as well stir the old pot.
Leann decides to confront Twila with Chris’s accusations.
Twila decides to roll with the tried and tested five year olds favourite defense, “it wasn’t me it was her” and blames Scout.
We’re only about three minutes into the show and already we’re at the…
I’ve come to the conclusion I’m just a colossal misery. I must be, because the sight of the massive and obsolete satellite dish that greeted us as the Survivor’s filed into the challenge area caused me to emit an audible groan.
It’s the “love from home” challenge a.k.a. ten minutes of synchronized blubbing and formation “oh my God-ing”.
Jeff explains that whoever answers the most of his former challenge questions correctly will get a 1 hour email session with a loved one of Mark Burnett’s choice.
To whet their appetites they get to talk online for a minute.
“Oh my God’s” of varying intensity abound.
Jeff takes them behind a screen to a waiting laptop and informs Twila that she’ll be first to get a minute with her son James, recently classed-up from the Jimmy-Bob-Billy-Ray he was christened.
The fact that she ain’t up on all that fancy typewriting and stuff will not pose a problem because, ta daaaaaaaa, they have a satellite, remember the satellite?
Jeff has Twila’s son pop up on screen much to her amazement.
He proceeds to talk to her while she wastes her first 30 seconds wondering how he got inside the little screen.
Next up is Leann, who has a minute to talk to her friend Teri. They laugh, they cry, they call each other baby, say they love each other and blow kisses.
In fact, they skirt the boundaries of being a little too friendly.
Not in the “I’m about to jump you in a fit of passion” kind of way, more in the “Oh you’ve got a piece of lint on the boob area of your sweater, let me brush it off for you” kind of way. You know, that way that’s a little uncomfortable to witness. No? Ok, just me then. **cringe**
Eliza is up next and gets to spend a minute in the supposedly satellite provided company of her “mommy” who is mighty close to the screen and in far too low a chair.
Julie’s decides to spend her minute throwing bastardized gang/”I Love You” hand signals to her best friend Justin, while simultaneously mooing “Duuuuddddeeeee” at his bewildered image. The editing team has a field day with condensing her time into a flurry of action involving the direction of the peak on her trucker’s hat.
Scout gets to meet “Annie’ who emits a high-pitched squeak along the lines of “mmmeeeekkkkkeeekkkk” through the gap in her teeth which caused my neighbours dog to scratch at my back door and offer up his best chew toy.
Ami gets to meet Crissy and no offense to the woman, she’s probably very nice and I’m probably very shallow, but Crissy is definitely “dating up”.
Finally, Chris gets to speak to Laurie, or as Jeff calls her his “woman”.
Very prehistoric, Jeff. I guess when you go out clubbing with your girlfriend you really go out clubbing.
Chris has Laurie reveal their intension to marry, which causes spontaneous applause to break out amongst everyone except Scout, who protests silently as the vast heterosexual conspiracy lays waste to another good woman..
So, with Jeff’s promise of a further hour of computer time for the winner they press on with the challenge.
I make no apologies for ducking out of reporting all the questions that were asked and answered. It’s just too. Much. Typing. Annnddd, it was pretty dull.
The questions all involved people that were no longer in the game.
Here’s an example…
Q- Who fell in the water most during the first reward challenge?
A- John K with videotaped confirmation for the home audience.
I was amused when on the mighty tiebreaker question Julie managed to get no correct answers. At least with her still in the game we do not have to endure the abbreviated hi-lights of her arse-showing exploits while Jeff asked the others to estimate how many times it saw the light of day.
Eliza wins and Jeff produces her mother, making it obvious to all (except Twila, who just figured that them there fancy planes must have gotten real fast) that the loved ones are all there.
Jeff grants them each the opportunity to have a quick hug with their visitor.
He claims this is in his gift and he chose to do so simply because he saw how much it would mean to them. So, if the reaction to the loved ones had been a universal “meh” we’d have been spared all this?
One by one the loved ones run out from the mock studio where Jeff had them housed.
Twila and Julie both decide to leap at their visitors, a move that causes Julie’s micro shorts to ride up until she is displaying a quarter cheek left and right. In a sudden fit of appropriateness she takes immediate steps to correct the impending wedgie.
Leanne greets Teri with hugs and kisses. No tongue, I double-checked.
Crissy runs out with the arm muscles and gait of a champion triathlete.
Just as I am prepared to be impressed by her overall upper body musculature, the camera feeds us a full length shot and it is revealed that Crissy has decided to sport the single most offensive garment in the history of couture, the cut off jean shorts.
It’s literally as though she is mocking my God, the God of fashion.
I pray for a rogue hermit crab to cause her to stumble and sprain her ankle to serve as a warning to any of you that has ever approached your tired old jeans with a pair of scissors.
I hereby issue a fashion violation.
No, I don’t know what else happened during that segment, I was too horrorstruck to concentrate.
They somehow end up back and camp and Eliza’s mother is with them so I guess she’s staying the night.
Cut off jeans, I feel dizzy.
While Eliza talks to her mother, Ami and Leann decide they ain’t done confrontin’ and move to grill Scout. I imagine Scout meat is on the leathery side.
There are few traits more inexcusable in a Survivor than arrogance, so when Leann tells Scout she has been replaced in the final four plan by Julie, I go from wanting rid of the granola old bat with the bum knee to wanting her to win, or at least come second… or third perhaps. Anyway, I’m in Scout’s corner is what I’m trying to say. I want Leann and Ami gone more than ever.
You don’t tell someone where they’ll finish up.
That’s a schoolboy, season 1 error and should be punishable by
deathinstant booting at the next available opportunity.
You promise them the earth then fail to make good on your promise.
That’s how this is done.
Eliza’s mother bids the group farewell and leaves in nothing more on top than her rather substantial four-fastener white lace bra, having given her blouse to her daughter.
I think we can safely file mommy under “trooper”.
Leann and Ami decide the time is ripe to take Twila into the forest and get heavy with her about the whole “Chad and Chris” thing, as Leann tells us in confessional.
She throws in an eye-roll to illustrate just how tiring it is to have to deal with societies plebs when she’s trying to march unchallenged to the final two.
She reluctantly decides to take Twila at her word, after hearing that she is so behind the master plan she’s willing to swear on her son’s name.
What does that mean?
If she’s not telling the truth her son has to change his name… again?
Chris guarantees us he’ll win immunity.
I so want to believe it could be true.
I know, I’m a dreamer.
Julie collects tree mail, which consists of a poem that rhymes “jury” with “hurry” and I sense it’ll be all down hill from here.
Jeff informs them that they’ll run the challenge in pairs, which of course tips us off that the loved ones are about to be rolled back out.
Sure enough, they come bounding into view and I note, with a deep sense of dread that Crissy is wearing cut off jean shorts again.
The same pair as two days ago? I know not. I’m not prepared to wind back the disk drive and look at those abominations any more often than I need to.
When you have one pair you’re on a slippery slope to fashion oblivion, two pairs and you’re almost beyond all help.
One of the other loved ones should make a citizens arrest.
The woman needs saving from herself.
So, we have this season’s version of the blindfold challenge ahead of us.
The producer’s bid to throw the audience a bone and make it remotely interesting results in the minor shake-up of having the loved ones wear the blindfolds. What creative minds we have at play here.
The object – Guide your blindfolded partner to recover three bags of puzzle pieces. Once you have all three bags complete the puzzle.
The reality – tedium.
Leann’s partner is apparently hard of hearing, or hard of understanding. Couple that with Leann’s wild directions, that actually saw her advise her friend to climb over a rope divide instead of going round it and we see them give up when it’s clear they don’t have a prayer.
Eliza’s mother wanders aimlessly, ending up almost as close to Eliza as she was when the challenge started, a result of pretty much doing the exact opposite of what Eliza is instructing her to do.
I bet she’s really good at mirror writing to.
The upshot is, while Chris and Laurie give it a great shot, Ami and Crissy win and Chris has to repeatedly inform Laurie that he’s “going home”.
What’s that, Foreshadowing? I can barely hear you.
Sometimes just ignoring foreshadowing and his boorish behaviour is the best way to go.
With the plan to vote off the men one by one apparently set in stone, is there really any need to scramble at all this week?
Surely the ladies would be better served gathering any suitable substance to form into testicular units to be ceremonially burned post TC.
But no, they have decided that the combination of a “vote off the men” plan and one remaining man necessitates further discussion.
With immense subtlety, Ami, Scout, Twila, Julie and that tall gawky one who never says anything, excuse themselves on some trumped up manioc collecting mission so they can complicate the plan.
It has suddenly occurred to Stretch that it would be unfair to boot Chris while Eliza is still there. We viewers are not privy to the forces that at work to cause this epiphany, but as she’s shown herself more than capable of tripping over thin air, the inner-workings of Leann’s mind is not somewhere I care to linger.
On completion of some grotty-fingered team handshake, the decision is made to stray from the simplest plan in Survivor history.
Julie rushes back to the camp to inform Chris that he’s going nowhere.
Eliza has annoyed them to the point that their penis embargo will be temporarily lifted ** please place Viagra joke here**
This sudden turn of events is music to the ears of our final male participant.
He’s still in the game and hasn’t wheeled, dealed, allianced-up or promised anything to anyone to ensure he stays that way.
Aaaah, women, what crazy fools we are.
Now, a departure from the predictable this season should be cause enough to celebrate, but have we all reckoned without Twila?
I confessed that I probably had. Particularly after she was so easily duped by “The Butt Cheek Kid” a couple weeks back.
So, unhappy with the new plan, which clearly did not afford her the opportunity to elevate her position in the boot list, Twila decides to approach Chris with a plan of her own. Vote off Leann.
Oh yes. Me likey.
She plays it like a champ, claiming that rather than being vulnerable, he actually holds the key to the game, all he has to do is talk to one person.
After his guesses of Scout and “you” are shot down by Twila, he eventually settles on Eliza although seems slightly confused as to why Twila would send him off to be talk at by her. Is she just ensuring all his free time until TC will be consumed by Eliza vocalizing her every thought?
He ponders and realizes that if he can get Eliza on board to vote with him Twila and Scout they have the chance to turn the tide.
It hinges on two, uh, hinges, getting Eliza on board and trusting Twila.
We know how well the latter worked out for the guys last time, eh Sarge?
Chris decides to approach Eliza, who is unsure of the wisdom of this move.
Chris has tripped her paranoia booster sending her protests into fast jabber mode.
Can she trust Twila and Scout?
She’s right to question their word. Firstly, they have not given their word directly to her and secondly, after the lies they’ve told, their credibility has more holes than a prozzies fishnets.
But, every once in a while you have to take a risk and in order to cement her position as my new favourite Eliza must do just that.
The idea that this plan might work leaves me borderline giddy.
There’s a new plan and it might just work.
Vote off Leann, it’s so simple it’s beautiful.
This almost makes up for the cut off jeans.
I haven’t been this excited since Butch made charcoal delights of Morasca’s assorted sorority sh1t.
Who knew “zeta” was Greek for “highly flammable”?
Yes, they chatted, yes they discussed how great it was to have their loved ones there. Leann didn’t think that winning was life or death for her.
Oh now the plan has to work.
Let’s just get to the voting can we?
Thanks, you guys rock.
Ok, but first I’d just like to comment on Ami’s writing.
Cut the stylized crap, it’s barely readable.
Her vote for Eliza spelled incorrectly and with the addition of a sad face guy looked like a call to boot “elyzan”. Just write properly. No one will think any less of you Ami…most of us couldn’t anyway.
Jiff returns to the voting area with the urn.
Vote 1 – Eliza.
She throws Ami a look and nods gently as if to say, “I know you’ve betrayed me”.
Although her look did kind of say that, it really wasn’t quite as biblical as I just made it sound.
Ami returns the nod. Her own says, “Yes, it has been degreed that today you shall go from this place”. She actually was that biblical. Overtones of King Herrod.
Vote 2 – Leann.
Vote 3 – Eliza.
Vote 4 – Leann. Ami’s brow furrows slightly, but it is just possible that Chris and Eliza teamed up and both voted for Leann, so no major cause for concern.
Vote 5 – Eliza. All going nice and smoothly for Ami.
Vote 6 – Leann. Huh? What was that? Leann? Julie pulls the kind of horror struck face generally reserved for when the latest man she’s thrown herself at declines her offer of a night of passion.
One vote left.
Do not do this to me people. Do not bring me this >< close to becoming interested in the show only to pull the rug out from under me like some demented magician.
Vote 7 – Leann.
I whoop. Before I know it I’m on my feet and come perilously close to punching the air with glee. Why the hell do I give a crap/ I don’t know, I only know that I do and my faith that this series won’t be quite as big a washout as Rupert’s last shelter, is finally restored.
Leann exits, while Chad and Sarge giggle on the sidelines.
That my friends is a classic.
Remember where you were when these women finally started playing the game and remember that the lynch pin was my new favourite, Eliza.
What a gal.
The boot the guys plan crumbles spectacularly and the only remaining guy doesn’t pick up one single vote.
I’m beginning to love these crazy bitches… until next week.
Next time on Survivor:
Let’s just bask in the glow of the TC.
We can be bored by next week, next week.