Recap. Ep 4 "The Legend of Clueless Schmo".
We begin the show at the Morgan camp.
In addition to having lost every single challenge so far, they now wake to see the tide washing ashore perilously close to their shelter.
Now, I’m not out there obviously, but it would make sense to me to try and move the shelter. Instead, they decide to try and surround their home with logs and build a moat.
I can’t imagine any other Survivor’s trying this as their first measure to stave off the tide.
Hmmmm, except Ted Rogers Jr. perhaps, but then he thought a canoe that was so heavy it took 6 people to lift, would be perfectly safe tethered by a strand of hair and a Q-tip.
Ryan O confesses that if the tide gets any closer they’ll have to think about moving their shelter. Yes, Ryan, as the water is now lapping within about two inches of the structure now might be a good time to start thinking about moving the shelter, or better yet actually moving the shelter.
Instead they decide to try and dig a deeper moat. Yes, good idea. Perhaps you can get a fair maiden and a dragon delivered too.
Besides, this way is far less work, right Ryan?
Things should be a lot happier over at the Drake tribe, but Jon is bemoaning the fact that he “does all the work around here”, chiefly because he appears to have boiled a couple of pots of water. Shawn is the only one to challenge his comments, the others clearly aware that he’s just bitter at the havoc the heat is playing with his curly perm.
Shawn and Jon’s argument does appear to have a certain “made for T.V.” quality about it.
The snippiness doesn’t end there though. Sandra is annoyed that Shawn and Burton claim to always be the first ones up and working in the mornings, Shawn complains that Christa gets on his “nerve” and Christa tells us that she does not get along with Burton, Shawn and Michelle.
Trish is very vocal this week and also confirms that the Burton/Shawn/Michelle alliance is not popular due to their alienating the others.
A quick shot of the top of Rupert’s arse crack, which Burton and Shawn, the jocks, can’t resist pointing out and we’re off, without warning, to challenge beach.
Unable to even win the race to their respective mats, the Morgan’s file past the Drake’s, and try their best to look chipper.
Jiff tells them that Lill was the last person voted out. Neither knowing nor caring what the Morgan tribe’s names are, the Drake’s note that “Scouty’ is no longer there.
Jiff – How are you doing?
Everyone simultaneously – Great!
Was someone off-screen holding up a card?
Jiff explains that this week’s RC requires the Survivor’s to solve a 16-piece puzzle.
Eight pieces are buried in the sand of challenge beach, the other eight in the water.
Once completed the puzzle will show what can only be three Jolly Roger prototypes.
The first shows three skulls in front of crossed swords, which I find to be a little ostentatious, even for pirates. The second, one large skull in front of four crossed bones in a kind of “the wise men followed that star” type formation. Paired down, yet still a little too showy for me. Also, you have to ask just how wise these men were, “Yeah, this angel told us to follow a star”. Frankly, they could have been being lead anywhere.
The third is another single skull, this time with bones in a diamond formation. Closer, yet still screaming “we’re pirates and its fun, fun, fun”. The simple "skull and crossbones" was clearly the way to go. It says it all.
Only the least observant among us will have failed to notice Jiff has something draped in fabric beside him. Once the Survivor’s confirm that , yes, they do want to see what they’re playing for, he removes the fabric cover with an understated drag rather than the flamboyant swish we are used to seeing, just in case the local wildlife think he’s a magician.
He reveals an old fashioned sewing machine, fabric and a sewing kit.
Rupert’s family and friends get to cross another gem from the “lines we never thought we’d hear Rupert say” list, when he comments, “I can make myself a new dress”.
With Shawn, Michelle and Christa confirming they will be the ones to sit out this challenge, the hunt gets underway on Jiff’s customary “Survivor’s Ready? Go”.
I’m against using nicknames for the Survivor’s, but as Jiff as taken to calling Ryan O, Rhino, that’s good enough for me.
Rhino and Burton don the scuba masks and head into the water.
Burton retrieves a puzzle piece and decides that the best way to get it back to shore is to throw it ahead of him and swim to meet it. Questionable tactic, but it does prove effective as he is back on the beach before Rhino has even claimed a puzzle piece.
Now, I played this segment back about 17 times, and I think we saw Rhino’s horn when he surged back up to the surface of the water after a successful diving attempt.
I think I saw a very small, fuzzy nudity blob and assume Rhino will be using the standard “cold water” defense.
Burton tags Sandra. They actually touch hands, I can’t remember that being in the rules. Anyway, she runs all of about three feet to the closest of the pieces buried in the sand, pissing off Jon who obviously had his eye on that one.
Sandra tags Rupert, just as Rhino is bringing in the first piece for the Morgan’s.
Rhino tags Andrew who once again blinds us with his leaderships skills by claiming a nearby, beach dwelling puzzle piece.
The Morgan’s aren’t using the hand tag system and frankly it’s anarchy on their side of the beach. Darrah adjusts her masks and makes ready to dive into the water, but when Andrew returns Tijuana races past her and tumbles into the surf.
In her haste to cover her exposed “booty” as Jiff calls it, her wild arm movement causes her buff tube top to roll down over her boobs. She reaches round to replace the top and her skirt rides up exposing her cheeks again. Thankfully she is now deep enough into the water to cover her modesty or this could have gone on all day.
Rupert returns with another piece for Drake and tags Trish who runs for a piece buried on the beach. Without the benefit of the mask, Tijuana is having difficulty locating a puzzle piece in the water. On the shore, Darrah mouths “Oh my God”. Of course, has she said it, it would have been “Oww marrr Gowad”. She’s easier to understand when you read her lips.
Trish on the Drake team has tagged Jon. He breaks the Drake’s alternate water-sand retrieval process by digging for another piece on the beach. Thanks to Trish and Sandra, he has to look for the piece that is third farthest away, He makes a mental note to lord it over them because he ran further when they are back on their own island.
He tags Rupert, who goes back out for a water piece, passing Tijuana who is finally on her way back in.
Just when the challenge was on the verge of becoming incredibly confusing, Jiff helps us out by calling out the score, Drake 7 – Morgan 3.
Osten as we know is a black male. As I discussed in my first recap of the season, this means he has been cast in the role of “guy who cannot swim”.
Much as I would love Osten to tear down one of MB’s staple stereotypes, Osten does the exact opposite by swimming out to the puzzle pieces and promptly starting to quietly drown.
Meanwhile, Jon takes a turn to pick up another piece from the beach, cursing Trish and Sandra for causing him to get his toes wet. Burton goes out into the water yet again; while Osten’s quiet drowning has turned into a noticeable flapping, arousing the attention of Jiff on shore.
Jiff asks Osten if he’s ok and Osten totally over reacts by screaming, “need…help”. Rhino and Andrew are dispatched to save Osten and bring him safely to shore like tug boats to Osten’s tanker, with a “w”.
Rupert has bought in piece number 12, as Osten arrives back on shore and hands the mask to Rhino who has to go straight back out to retrieve another puzzle piece.
Jon decides he’ll settle the “who’s a better swimmer?” debate with Sandra once and for all by actually going into the water. He quickly slides Michelle’s glasses into his sock, just in case his swimming style is a bit crap, which it is, and does a combination stumble/belly flop into the water around the six inches deep mark.
The Morgan’s do manage to close the gap slightly as it takes Trish ages to find the final piece of the puzzle on the beach.
Having finally retrieved all their pieces, the Drake’s make short work of compiling the puzzle. Rupert lets out his customary victory roar, while the Morgan’s faces crease into their now common mixture of defeat and disappointment.
It’s time to put their latest reward to good use, as we see Christa measuring Rupert for a new skirt.
Sandra points out that Rupert could make himself some shorts, but by God the air feels good round his vitals so it’s another skirt for him for sure.
Rupert takes control of the sewing machine and runs himself up a khaki knee length A-line skirt, earning Christa’s admiration for not only his willingness to wear a skirt but for the fact that he sewed it himself.
The Drakes also won the final piece of the treasure map yesterday, and after unsuccessful attempts to find it using first one and then two thirds of the map, they feel they’ll have better luck with the full document.
Sandra is hoping for canned fruit, juice, candy, basically anything but rice.
Jon says he has more wet dreams about the treasure than he does about the models in Playboy.
That’s probably because you actually have a chance of bagging some of the treasure, Jon.
Even with the map, they are having some trouble finding the location of the chest.
Eager for the entire show to remain true to the pirate theme, the map is of the type we see on screen each time they play switches between the camps.
Burton is confused. The instructions tell the to find “The Devils Fork”, then take 15 paces South, but he seems to think the map is instructing them to go North.
I don’t think the map would send them in the opposite direction, so feel he must be reading it incorrectly. Besides which, these maps are highly stylized renderings of the area, rather than completely accurate representations. Both tribes might want to bear that in mind and stop being quite so literal when looking at the maps.
The tribe curses their inability to find “The Devils Fork”.
Think outside the box folks. You aren’t literally looking for a fork with a “property of Satan” sticker on it. “If found, please return to Mephistopheles”.
By process of elimination, Shawn decides that the Devil’s fork if a large tree. There is basically nothing else in the area that it could be. Along with Michelle, he walks the required 15 paces and begins to dig. After a couple of minutes the shovel hits the metal of the chest. They call the others over and obviously everyone steps aside so Rupert can do the heavy work. Unable to free the chest, they decide instead to try to pry it open and unleash what Sandra calls the smell of death. Of course had Darrah been there she would have made light work of laying out the body, but thankfully there is no corpse stinking up the joint, just a stray Clay Aiken CD MB threw in there for the hell of it.
Less than impressed with the contents of the chest, the mood lightens considerably once they find a container of chocolates.
Later that day, we head over to the Moran camp to see what chaos lies there.
Andrew and Rhino have decided that all this living on a beach business is doing nothing for their chances of catching fish, so head off into the jungle in search of seafood.
Yes, of course they get lost. Yes, of course they run out of water.
They think the dorsal fins showing on their map indicate sharks in the area, which in turn indicates an abundance of fish. Yes guys, you’re right, the maps really are that accurate.
I’m surprised the Drake’s couldn’t find their treasure. Turn right at the skeleton, carry on past the giant scorpion and the treasure is under the great big red X.
While they are lost, Trish visits the camp to loot an item, the final part of the Drake’s prize for winning the reward challenge. A small town girl, mistrustful of newcomers, Darrah eyes the stranger with her usual cocktail of suspicion and thinly veiled hatred.
Tijuana is far friendlier, as she offers Trish a hug.
Trish wisely plays it political by saying how bad she feels about looting an item form the Drakes. There is precious little to take as Andrew and Rhino have conveniently disappeared with the spear.
She pretends to feel bad about taking the lantern, they pretend to care about her taking it.
Burton seems to think now is a good time to approach Rupert with his masterplan.
It’s so simple that its brilliant…except its not.
Throw the challenge and boot off Christa. You might be able to get Rupert to go along with the first part of the plan if you are able to really sell the idea of losing for the good of the tribe to him. I can’t see him going for the “boot Christa” part though.
Rupert brands Burton a traitor in confessional and adds “if this was a pirate culture he’d already be dead”.
Well, it’s not strictly a pirate culture, but I say keel haul him anyway.
Jon goes to collect the tree mail. He repeatedly calls it “sea mail”, which I would likely have found worthy of adopting had anyone else coined the phrase.
At least he didn’t call himself a “sea man, uh huh huh huh geddit? “ so we have that to be thankful for if nothing else.
He decides to read the poem on the way back to the group, cupping his hand to his ear as he asks the group if they watch wrestling. Is that some kind of wrestling move?
I would think that would be pretty easy to defend yourself against. I’m not even sure if the comment about wrestling was part of the poem. I find it a little hard to concentrate when Jon is on screen because he appears to be slowly morphing into Jan Gridley…without the charisma.
The poem makes mention of chess and checkers and Michelle makes the leap to conclude they’ll be playing “full contact chess”. Is there such a thing? I have to wonder how many games of “strip snap” Michelle has been conned into playing at the local frat house.
She confesses that her alliance wants Christa gone, and is willing to not give the challenge 100%. Now I know there is no such thing as “semi-contact chess”.
Rupert and Trish do a little pre-challenge pot washing.
Rupert tells her that, even though he gave Burton the political answer that he saw the tribe as boys v girls, he actually wants Burton gone first.
Rupert then counteracts Michelle’s comment by confessing that his alliance is willing to throw the challenge so they can kick out Burton.
He’s willing to throw the challenge because everyone else wants to, but thinks it’s the stupidest thing a tribe can do. I agree Rupe.
The tribes arrive at challenge beach in their boats, to be greeted by Jiff as always.
He has completed phase one of his “sell out” by proudly donning a Survivor baseball cap.
Once again, the challenge this week will be pirate related. This will no doubt please Rupert who has embraced the pirate theme in the kind of big old bear hug one would expect a guy who looks like him to dish out liberally.
Basically, if you encounter pirates, they will want to board your ship and you need to engage in combat to stop them.
A lattice pattern course has been constructed, that the survivors must cross, battling any opposition who decide to challenge them by moving onto a spot that blocks their path.
If you fall into the water, you have to go back to the start of the course.
First team with everyone across the course and into their boat wins immunity and a mystery prize.
Jiff holds up a mini scroll to illustrate the mystery prize.
For the same of the Survivor’s I hope the prize is written on the scroll and isn’t the scroll itself. A) that would not be a mystery and B) it would just be a really crap prize.
Okay, so not full contact chess then?
There is an apparent coin toss, which Drake obviously wins, so after deciding to sit out Trish, Burton and Rupert, Sandra makes the first move.
Each of the Survivor’s takes their turn to move until they are all standing on a disc on a part of the course. The final player to move is Jon, who decides the best way to proceed to his chosen station, is by dancing a kind of Sammy Davis Jr. shuffle…he’s wrong.
The first showdown is Osten versus Michelle.
Even if the Drake’s were not trying to throw the competition, this would appear to be a battle that was only ever going to have one winner.
Whether spurred on by his desire to finally win an immunity challenge, or the overwhelming fear of looking like a big ole wuss if he goes into the water again, Osten makes short work of Michelle’s challenge and dispatches her into the drink.
Next up, Rhino v Shawn. Jiff calls him Shawn, NYC; I shall not be following his lead on this one. Shawn wins, and we move on to the Osten/Jon match up, which everyone seems to find hilarious. Osten duly wins and makes his way across the course and safely into the Morgan boat.
Shawn is the first Drake player across and goes to join his non-participating tribe mates in their boat. Jiff eyes the group with suspicion, and asks if there is any particular reason their two strongest players are sitting this one out. Rupert’s responds that, “it wasn’t my choice”, and underlines his opposition to the challenge throwing decision.
Rhino easily dunks Michelle and Tijuana defeats Jon, allowing both the victors to move into the Morgan boat.
Only Darrah is still to cross for the Morgan’s, with Jon and Christa remaining on the course for the Drakes. I guess Michelle and Sandra found their way across at some point.
Hey this challenge was boring and thrown, so I saw no need to watch it all that closely.
Jon and Christa both clearly move out of Darrah’s path on their turns, giving her a clear route to the Morgan boat and handing them the victory.
Rupert doesn’t look too happy, Jon and Burton do.
Jiff unrolls the mini scroll and we learn that Morgan as winners, get to select one Drake to be a member of their tribe, until the next immunity challenge.
Jiff asks Andrew, whom he has taken to calling “Savage”, who he wants to join his tribe. Savage mulls over the decision for 0.0000001 seconds before responding, “Rupert”.
Rupert makes his way over to the Morgan boat and is greeted by universal smiles from his new temporary tribe mates.
Rupert is not wearing his shoes, so now I have to spend the rest of the show wondering how he’ll manage shoeless. Were his shoes in the Drake boat and hurled over to him?
If so, did he catch them or did they land in the water? What if the RC is something that makes the wearing of shoes an absolute necessity, like a “who is wearing the best shoes” contest? And most importantly, if I’m really this obsessive why am I wasting my time thinking about this when I should be washing my hands?
After the break, we make our very first post IC visit to the Drake camp.
Sandra and Christa are crushing coffee beans with a rock.
Now I know “needs must when the devil drives” as it were, but how good a drink is coffee beans crushed with a dirty rock going to make…and do that have a non-fat soy latte version?
Christa confesses that she is shocked to lose Rupert to the other tribe and thinks she might be voted out. That, of course, remains to be seen.
Jon is holding court among the other younger members of the Drake tribe.
His “comedy” repertoire appears to consist entirely of wrestling references, for which he gets very few laughs. Graph that Dat Phan.
Shawn, Burton, Jon and Michelle appear to have decided that they are an alliance and do not care who the others vote for. They will be sinking their ship if they don’t vote for Christa, but who cares, because their votes don’t matter.
Burton confesses that he is confident Jon wants Christa gone. As we cut to a shot of Jon walking along the beach discussing strategy with Christa and Trish, once again we refer back to Survivor 4 – Marquesas for a contestant comparison, Burton is this season’s overconfident, unsuspecting, John Carroll.
Jon reminds us in “confessional”, that he is Jonny Fairplay. Cast your mind back to the first episode, he’s Jonny Fairplay, he doesn’t play fair.
It doesn’t matter how many times he says that, it still doesn’t make sense.
Besides which, no one else calls him that. Perhaps he’s just trying it on for size before unleashing it on them. Oh, oh, perhaps it’s his wrestling name.
After telling us he is currently the lynch pin in three alliances and foolishly thinking he can continue to run all three without anyone noticing, he attaches much more importance to his role in the camp than he should really command, by telling us he is “freakin’ puppet-master”.
He tops off this display of idiocy with a nude run along the beach.
The glare of the sun bouncing off his dazzlingly white arse causes galactic chaos.
Planets shift alignment and over at the Morgan camp, the tide breaks through their defenses.
He finishes his run with a flourish by jumping into Burton’s arms, who seems inexplicably willing to receive him.
As this is the first TC visit for the Drakes, Jiff has to ask them to light their torches.
For the benefit of the contestants that were recruited by casting agents and haven’t seen the show before, Jiff gives his “fire equals life” spiel as they take their seats.
Jiff soon notes that Jon has been drinking. Jon is still at the level of maturity where he thinks he’s even funnier drunk than he is sober. He’s wrong on both counts.
Jiff moves on to Burton, giving him the chance to bang on about the game and how little control you can have when you just keep on winning. Tiresome eh?
Christa insists that the decision to sit out Burton and Rupert from the last challenge was entirely down to their strict adherence to their rota. As she has sat out at least one challenge in each of the last three episodes, apparently her own name rotates a lot faster than Rupert’s.
Jiff gives one final chance to Jon to make an ass of himself, by asking him how he intends to vote.
He will vote according to what the astrological signs tell him.
The Milky Way is in disarray after his earlier flashing though, so God knows how this will play out.
We only get to see Christa’s vote for Burton and Burton’s vote for Christa.
Jiff only has to read six votes for us to find out the first Drake ousted is Burton, much to his and Michelle’s obvious surprise.
Yep, that plan worked like a charm Burton. You actually engineered your own dismissal, which makes you dumber than Jon…but with better hair.
Next week on Survivor.
Shawn is outed.
Rupert saves the Morgans.