Welcome to the fourth edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Palau! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
My tribe is on cruise control now, and all of my plans are working to perfection. Oh sure, Ian and Tom appear to be in control of Koror, but you and I both know that is only due to my ingenious planning. They are so wrapped around my finger that they probably even think by now that they are acting in their own interests. Silly fools. Bwahahahaha! I say again Bwahahahaha! I even got them to begin complimenting everyone in camp. Bwahahahaha! *cough *cough Whew… I am getting tired. It is tough work manipulating everyone and staying the happy go lucky friends with all chatterbox that I am. The best news this week though was getting our very own Home Depot bathroom, with the Home Depot shower, and Home Depot soap dish. After I win this game (and who could argue that I am not the clear front runner at this point?) I am definitely blowing off Disneyland, and going to… Home Depot! Bwahahahaha! Pardon me, I need to use the can.
Our tree mail said a representative should be chosen to make some important decisions for the tribe. I volunteered to be that person...to possibly put myself in harm’s way, even though someone’s fallen down on the job, and the tree mail didn’t rhyme. Apparently my invisible shield is working so well, however, my tribe mates can’t see or hear me even when I want them to. Hmmm…I’ll have to give this some thought. At home, I usually do my best thinking on the royal throne, so it’s too bad we don’t have one here on the island. Oh, here comes Jeff on a barge with Home Depot stickers plastered all over it. Well, what do you know? We’re going to build a bathroom! Things are just getting better and better for me everyday. Now, if only I could sip some ice-cold champagne…and if we have a one-on-one challenge with a member from the other tribe, it would be great if my opponent was that weak, little pansy, Kim. Well, how about that? I can taste that million dollars already...say, will I have to pay taxes on the winnings? I'll have to check with Richard Hatch at the next Survivor Pajama Party, because I'm sure he'd never steer me in the wrong direction.
Wow, I can't believe this! *jumps and clicks heels in glee* After our initial rough start, Tom and I have really turned Koror around. See, I learned from training my dolphins that all it takes is consistency and positive reinforcement to make a difference. Much as I always reward Mr. Bottlenose with a tasty fish whenever he performs a trick, I always make sure to say something nice to Willard whenever he...does anything. "Great shoveling, Willard! You show that dirt who's boss!" The work, as you can see, is paying off. I was honored to be selected as the tribe representative, and even more thrilled when I found out that I got to pick the tools with which to build our jungle-john. Using our unique "Labor & Laud" system, we triumphed yet again and won the most incredible reward ever to appear on Survivor...the production crew came out and built us a veritable palace of a shelter! As we celebrated with champagne and joyous dancing, I wondered if Ulong is having fun with their sewing kit. Hmm. You know, I hate to be mean, but we're obliterating them, man. Why did I, the oh-so-gangly one, sit out the battle challenge, you ask? Well, I'd hate to have to embarrass them more than necessary.
*cough cough* You’ll have to excuse me. I’m feeling really weak…shaky…dizzy. I may pass out at any moment. Don’t worry—it’s just the price I pay for being so damn dainty and feminine. I simply can’t perform the kind of labor that the more robust/generously-configured women are able to handle. Especially while dealing with hypothermia. My sweet cuddwe-umpins Jeffy-poo is no longer here to warm my frail limbs in the night. I think the rest of Ulong ought to be impressed that I was able to move my frozen fingers up and down in a sewing motion during the reward challenge. But they didn’t seem impressed. They acted like they thought I should be able to lift the weight of a hammer or something! Right! That’s like half my body weight. I’m so sick of these work ’till you die, gung-ho freaks. In the sumo thing, they all grunted and sweated and bled, and for what? We still lost. I bet they envied my graceful, effortless leap from the ring at that point. I don’t know why those behemoth girls on my team can’t see that the females have to stick together to win. I suspect Stephenie is abusing testosterone injections—maybe she thinks that makes her one of the guys. Anyway, I really don’t care about getting voted out. I’m sure loser lodge is fully equipped with all kinds of lounging equipment. Not to mention my Jeffy-poo! He’s better than an electric blanket! I feel warm again just thinking about him.
You’ll never pin this loser tribe on me! No, sir. James totally tried to appoint me Ulong Representative before the reward challenge. As if I’d agree to represent such a pitiful group of weaklings. And who does James think he is anyway? While we were building the commode, he was all over us with the “This is how you staple” and “Let me show you how to drive a nail” crap. Much as he was irritating me, though, it was nothing to the red cloud of rage that fogged my eyes every time I caught a glimpse of that pathetic sack of meat, Kim. Did she ever see this show before signing up? Did she think she was applying for The Bachelor: Island Edition? Still, I might have been able to save us from another trip to loser’s circle if it weren’t for Probst’s stupid, sexist “women vs. women” rule at the immunity challenge. I so could have taken Coby! And maybe, just maybe, James might have been able to toss Jen off the brink. Oh well. At least we get to unload Kim. Maybe we’ll perform better without the dead weight.
When our company gathered round to decide who to send as our representative, I felt like it was my responsibility to speak up and offer up Gregg’s name. After all, he’s been our steady man. Once Ian spoke up and said he wanted to go, I had to support him. Heck, I even tried to sell the idea that Ian is our leader and not me. I’m not sure anyone, even Ian bought it. It turned out
Iwe made a great choice. I have let Ian in on my secret motto, “A compliment a day, keeps the torch snuffing away.” As usual, I was in the middle of the action nailing things here and offering encouragement there as we finished constructing our shower and commode. I am beginning to wonder if it’s Caryn’s “time of the month.” She seems to be a little touchy no matter what I do or how nice I am to her. It’s not like I was ordering her not to put a stick in the fire. When Jesse arrived to judge our camp, I used the same communication skills that earned me my promotion to lieutenant to give him the deluxe tour of our new facilities. When we saw the Home Depot boat chugging back to our camp, I gave my guy, Ian a high five. Heck, I even turned a cartwheel. I usually reserve those for when my daughter tells me she loves me. Jesse and the guys gave us a couple bottles of champagne as a shelter-warming present. After a few swigs, Janu tried to convince us all to form a line and do some Rockette high kicks. I preferred to do a more traditional swing dance with Ian. Think anyone suspects we are close? At the immunity challenge, I was a little bloodied but I beat that young punk Bobby Jon twice. I love doing the same thing to the rookies at the firehouse. I may have to rethink who is our steady man though. The Cobster really came through. I made sure he got the Immunity Idol to acknowledge his contribution.
Well we were supposed to pick a rep-re-sen-tative for our tribe , but we couldn't tell whethur they were a stayin' or goin' so none of us knew what to do. I mean that's really hard and Jeff didn't have to be so mean when we didn't bother ta do it. Luckily James stepped up at the last minute and it was a construction thing. I think James could build just about anything. He's so smart and all. We got to build a toilet and a shower for the challenge, and the only reason we lost was because Jeff didn't like our little joke. What does he know? He's a datin' that nekid yankee girl from the last show or so I heard. That lazy Kim did nothing at all to help. Everyone was workin' away and she was layin' around. Maybe she's tryin to snuggle up ta Jeff now that the other Jeff's gone. In the immunity challenge my hero Tom took me out twice , but that's ok. I don't like those New Yorkers , but even I know those firefighters are supermen. The only good thing about that challenge was it finally gave us the chance to get rid of that dead wood, lazy butt, good fer nothin Kim. Good riddance. James says we'll win em all now.
Aaaargh!! I’m so irritated over losing so many times in a row, especially since I’ve been dominating in the challenges every chance I get. We really should have won the reward challenge considering how hard we worked on our bathroom. I was all over the place with the hammers and nails doing the best that I could. I mean – I don’t want to be the leader, but I sure as hell don’t need some redneck ordering me around either. He’s like, “this is how you hold a hammer, honey” and stuff. Hey, buddy – I know how to nail, okay? At home, I nail everything in sight! I use a staple gun every day at work, like any good bartender. Why don’t you just shoot a staple in your eye, okay James? I’m a perfectly capable woman –it’s not like I’m Princess Kim or something. At the immunity challenge, things were looking bad for us, and then we made a great comeback – for a while. I was like, “Yeah! Let’s show those bitches how it feels to go to jail, I mean, group therapy, I mean Tribal Council! Ugh!” But in typical Ulong fashion, the guys let us down and we ended up at Tribal Council yet again. This is getting old. I’m ready to kick some Koror butt.
What do you have to do to get noticed around here? When we had to pick an ambassador for our tribe, I volunteered right away, but my words fell on deaf ears. If your name isn’t Tom, Ian, or Gregg, you don’t exist on this tribe. Those three are so up each other’s butts and not in a good way. I realized they’d never let me be the top dog, so I backed off and figured I’d find a way to prove myself later. It was a pretty great reward challenge. I never thought I’d be so excited to see a tool – well, not that kind – but it is great having a real shower now, and even better having this awesome shelter! Even though I sat out the challenge (not like I had a choice in the matter), I kicked back in the hammock for a bit before we cracked open the champagne. That Caryn is something else. She was blitzed and laughing like a hyena after two sips, and I had to keep my eye on her to be sure she didn’t start blabbing to everyone about my secret plan to go from underdog to top dog. Luckily, she had one more sip and then passed out. I knew we would win immunity again when I saw that I was paired up with that weasel, James. The first time we tussled, he practically jumped in the water just to get away from me. The second time, with immunity on the line, I wrestled him to the ground and got on top of him before shoving him off the platform. He acted upset, but I think he kind of enjoyed it. I know that the other men in my tribe noticed me then, for sure. Maybe now they’ll show the Cobemeister some respect!
I tell you what, man, I can't ever hold my head up in Georgia ever again, man. I got my ass whupped by a dang homosexual. On TV. That come as a surprise, it did. He looked pretty dang soft around the middle. How you reckon I'm gonna explain that at dollar Bud night? Ever' redneck in a three-county area's gonna think he can take me now. It's just purely embarrassin', man.
But other'n that, I had a damn good coupla days. That outhouse challenge? Right up my alley, man. I opened up that big ol' toolbox and thought I was back at the house. Can't nobody build an outhouse better'n me, I been doin' that in Georgia for years. Made me homesick. And that ol' Jesse can just meet the wrong end of a nail gun for all I care, if he can't see our toilet set-up was better. So losin' that challenge was a disappointment. But it was all made up for at tribal council. Givin' Kim a kick in the behind she's been sittin' on for two weeks made up for just about ever'thin'. 'Cept maybe gettin' whupped by the hairdresser. Couldn't he at least have looked strong? Then I could have played it off, said he was on steroids or somethin'. As it is, I better be on this island for a damn long time, man, 'cause I sure as hell can't show my face at home.
Well, well… if it’s a slap Stephenie wants, that’s what she’ll get! How dare she defy and barely defeat me twice on that platform? She thinks she’s so cool with her tough chick attitude but she’s, in fact, scared of me! That’s right; bring it on, sista! I must say that I think some of my teammates have discovered the secret to make me talk. But, a-ha! I can outsmart them all with one of my super-powers. What they do to amuse themselves is kidnap Gregg for a few minutes and they wait for me to ask where he has gone and later, panic. Ian once pointed at the shark circling in the water, to shake me up and make me talk. It did not even come close to working. As my revenge, I then told him telepathically that one of his dolphins didn’t love him. He left me alone for the rest of the day and I think I saw him crying on Tom’s shoulder. Don’t mess with Jenn, that’s the new sayin’ around here. My strategy seems to be working just fine. It’s such a complex and new strategy never used before on this show. You’ll see that it consists on telepathically control Mark Burnett and his editing crew to make me 100% invisible at the right times. For example, when we lose a challenge, I disappear. When we’ll eventually go to tribal council, in 10 episodes, I will make them forget how to write my name. I can smell the million from here…
Well now I can finally crap in peace. I’ve been holding it in since we got here. The dynamics seem to be changing over the last couple of days. I thought I would align with Tom, but I’m slowly starting to see that he is more than a power player. He’s a hunk, an idol and can do no wrong among the eyes of the other tribe members. I think he’s letting that get to his head. Or maybe I’m harboring a secret lustful desire to have him ravish me on the beach like Burt Lancaster did to Deborah Kerr in From Here To Eternity. I’m so confused. I just need someone to massage my aching, sore, lithe body. Angie gave me a beating today and I’m trying not to show it. I’ll admit it…she kicked my ass. But that’s what you get when you pit a she-man against a tiny petite woman. Too bad we didn’t build a massage table as part of our RC. There have been some rumblings about a merge coming soon. After all, we are kicking some serious booty. I only hope I’ll still be on Tom’s team so I can keep an eye on him.
Lucky me…I’m in the ‘in’ crowd of Koror. Yessiree, we rule Survivor, just like my crowd ruled in high school. For example, we’ve got Tom, Most Likely To Succeed, Ian, Friendliest, and me, Most Likely To Cheer. When I heard we were getting a bathroom, I immediately started jumping and down. And then when I heard the winners would get a shelter built, I couldn’t hold myself back anymore and had to throw in a few hand-whirly things…if only I had brought my pom-poms with me. Woo, hoo! I also took a safety class in high school, and I know most accidents happen at home, so I knew it was important to carve a ‘watch yo step’ sign for the path to the bathroom. I’m hoping that Crazy Caryn doesn’t see it, though, that chick annoys me. Maybe I can start a vicious rumor about her behind her back later today, just like I did to that witch back in the day. When the champagne was opened, it reminded me of those wild keg parties we’d have on Friday nights after the football games. No more Rat City, USA…life is good. It was tough giving our mascot back to Jeff at the IC, but I was confident he’d be back with us soon. I sat out the challenge, because the best way for me to help my tribe is by cheering them on. Our team is really getting the spirit now! I’ve taught Tom how to do a cartwheel, and taught Coby how to do the cat growl cheer. There is no stopping us now! Ashes and ashes and dust to dust, we hate to beat you but we must, we must. Yayyyyyyyy, team!
I know it's hard for an athletic-looking guy like me to go unnoticed, but my plan of flying under the radar has been working pretty good so far. I don’t even think everyone in my team knows my name yet. There is a cute girl on my team that knows more than my name, but that's another story. As I was saying, Ian had to mess up my plan. He put a big old spotlight on me when he nominated me to be the team’s representative for the reward challenge. Thanks, aquaman. Why don’t you go find some dolphins to play with, and leave me alone! It all worked well in the end. Ian led us to victory. With such an awesome house as a reward, I'll be able to snuggle up at night with that certain special someone. No, you smart-alecks. I'm not talking about Coby. The IC was a little tougher. I pushed Ibrehem off the platform in the blink of an eye, but he kicked my butt off during the rematch. I don‘t know why he had to be so rude, and yell at me when he won. I‘ll forgive him this time. He’s probably mad that he has to see Freakzilla day in and day out with her body parts hanging out of her clothes, not to mention that nasty armpit hair flailing all over the place. **shudder**
Once again my pathetic team can't seem to outmaneuver a bunch of saggy old folks. I thought that we had the King of Commodes when we built our bathroom, but apparently those guys over at Koror really do know their s*$@. Our performance in the Immunity Challenge was Ug-Lee, and I'm not just talking about James in those transparent-when-wet white boxers he was wearing while Coby was tossing him around like a bouffant. I got caught off guard a little bit in my first head-to-head sumo challenge, but didn't let that happen again. If I ever go on Survivor again, I'm definitely angling to be on the tribe with all the old people.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Cali, Eny, Feifer, Ilikai, John, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Miss Filangi, oneTVslave, Phat32, Roseskid, Shazzer, Silverstar, Spegs, Speedbump, Texicana, and Wolf