I have to confess that the previews for episode two left me with the impression that we were careering headfirst into a snoozefest. Two old bats get lost as sea – hardly Titanic is it? One threatens to shoot the other – hardly Reservoir Dogs.
Despite Ghandia’s “big ass” incompetence last week, the Chuay’s decided to boot fun loving, water joshing, rock scaling John – miserable bastards can’t take a joke.
Now, call me a mad, romantic old fool, but I really wouldn’t start a show with a prolonged shot of someone snoring – just doesn’t bode well.
The fact that Clay sounds like a male Rhino looking for some lovin’ is the cause of much hilarity among the Chuay’s.
The pot that called the kettle black – “Our boat is crap” (so are you Ghandia) “it’s heavy” (uh hellllloooo )
There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. In her black shorts and sports bra, hair pulled into a tight bun Helen straddles that line when she leaves the map at camp and treks off to find water.
Helen is the type of woman that would drive round until her gas tank is totally empty rather than ask for directions.
Child # 1 “Can you remember when we went to Disneyland?”
Child # 2 “yeah, we got there just as it was closing”.
Helen and Jan alight at their destination – assuming their destination has become somewhere other than where they originally wanted to go.
It took the massed ranks of the Chuay tribe to originally push the boat into the water, there is no one around for miles, yet somehow Jan assesses that the boat is in such great jeopardy that she needs to guard it.
Hmmmmm, this could start a whole new trend.
Oscar Night, red carpet, here comes Tom Cruise, his crack team of body guards replaced by one super-effective, leathery old lady.
The new James Bond – Phyllis Diller.
The complete lack of water and presence of many digitally added snakes leads Helen to conclude that they are not in the right place – current location, Shit Creek, positive aspect, got two paddles.
A combination used car salesman/porn star is amusing enough, add to the mix and huge computer programmer and a teeny tiny chef playing golf on the sand and you got yourself a sitcom.
Meanwhile back at the boat, Jan and Helen are going even further in the wrong direction.
Helen likes Jan, she thinks she’s a nice lady, but when it comes to upper body strength Helen knows she has Jan licked.
Hmmmm, should have utilized a little of that strength to pick up the freakin’ map Helen.
Over at the Sook’s camp Jake lists their top three priorities, the shelter, the shelter, the shelter.
Despite it having no floor, no roof, and as far as I can see no sides, Ken has installed a drainage system for the hot tub. Penny has collected some palm fronds, which she stores beside the bidet and the others set to work on the in-law suite.
”Team Building” – by Jed and Stephanie.
Lesson 2 – The best way to foster a friendly team spirit is to sit and watch your team mates engage in heavy physical labour.
Be sure to a) laugh at their efforts and b) elevate what little you have done to major importance.
Ken speaks – finally, it’s a gem though, worth waiting for.
Ken “it’s one thing to be lazy, another to be freakin’ lazy”.
When laziness get to “freakin’ proportions you know the scales have been tipped.
Steph cannot “get into” building the shelter. I imagine on any given day she might let your house burn down as she lacked the motivation to unravel the hose.
Robb concludes that Jed has been doing a lot of work (by skateboarding bartender standards) and with Steph providing the tribes’ water Robb is just glad that someone else is getting the drinks.
Back over at Chuay, the golf tournament is over and the guys are bemoaning the absence of the refreshment cart. Helen and Jan having managed to make a three hour round trip last five hours, finally find their water.
They hug and Jan stays with the boat (naturally) while Helen fills up the container.
They finally arrive back at camp much to the amusement of Clay – I sense a little tension here.
Jake has deemed the shelter up to code and decreed that food has replaced shelter on the tribes priority list.
The “freakin’ lazies” (FL’s) have a new recruit in Robb and the three of them decide to stay and guard the camp from fire stealing monkeys while the others search for food.
Erin informs us that there are lots of oysters clinging onto rocks.
She hacks away at them but takes ages for her to get them off – must be losing her touch.
They arrive back at camp to find the other three, no welcoming party, no water boiling, no interest in the food they had found and no intention of eating it.
The FL’s decide the shelter sucks so much ass they’d rather sleep on the beach.
It hasn’t rained yet today, but when Robb forecasts “a clear night dude” we know the monsoon is coming.
Robb and Jed skulk into the shelter when the rains come but Steph stays on the beach. She counteracts the harsh monsoon by pulling her buff over her ear.
On the whole, the Sook’s are happy with the way their shelter performed.
From the moment BB washed his socks in the clean drinking water in Pulau Tiga, there have been Survivor “Cardinal Sins”.
Penny makes her first appearance this episode and commits Cardinal Sin # 2 – mentioning food.
Jake “A couple more layers and we’ll be as dry as toast.”
Penny “ I sure would like some toast”.
I’m sure everyone else would too Penny and I’m sure they thank you for the mental image of hot buttery stacks of bread while they still haven’t crapped out the sea food slime buffet from last night.
Stephanie did indeed sleep on the beach, in the pouring rain last night. (Cardinal sin # 5 – allowing your limited clothing to become intentionally wet when you have no way of drying it).
Ken feel as though Steph sleeping on the beach seemed pig headed.
Uh seemed pig headed? Steph could not have been anymore pig headed if she was laying on your dining room table with an apple in her mouth.
Over at Chuay Brian is playing with his luxury item. He lets go and decides to strum a tune on his guitar instead. The Chuays are bonding beautifully, they even attract an audience in the form of a monkey.
Brian successfully fights the urge to spank it. Today is Helen’s 20th wedding anniversary and the others kindly decide to mark to occasion. We are told by Tanya that, “it’s a secret, she doesn’t know about it”,
Which I would think is probably the most vital element of any secret.
The tree mail arrives.
It’s a scroll bearing one of the usual poorly scanning poems.
Brian feels super-confident when the poem reveals the challenge will involve “running round the bush”.
Despite being told that the teams will be blindfolded, Ghandia feels a good tactic would be to flash her cleavage at them. The Sook’s have Erin in their team so I doubt they would be that interested in Ghandia’s cleavage, although it might solve their shelter problems once and for all
The RC is yet another “all new” challenge that borrows heavily from previous challenges.
The reward is a lantern, fishing hooks, line and a big net.
The real challenge is to carry a lightweight member of the tribe in a sedan chair type contraption. The carriers are blindfolded and the lightweight guides them to stations and unties bags in their tribe colors.
Sounds boring huh?
It was, very.
More interesting was the “sub-challenge” of seeing which guide could smack their tribe mates face first into trees and obstacles along the route the greatest number of times. Penny smashes for the Sooks and Tanya for the Chuay’s.
Jed, hits a tree, Jake hits a pole, Jed hits a tree and Jake hits a pole.
Brian hits a tree, the tribes smash into each other, the Sooks drop their carriage, Jed hits a tree and Jake hits a pole. Fascinating.
Sook Jai wins both competitions.
The Chuay’s realize they need to smarten up and start winning but interrupt their pity party long enough to have a touching anniversary ceremony and Helen’s crusty exterior is finally (albeit temporarily) broken down.
Mother nature intervenes the following morning by presenting the Chuay’s with a beach full of sacrificial squid. Helen obviously knows all about seafood preparation and butts heads with Clay the restauranteur.
Clay claims Helen is like an encyclopedia, he has a point, but he strikes me as being very similar to that himself, only smaller. An Encyclopedia on CD perhaps.
Over at the Sook Jai camp the tribe have found the tree mail.
Immunity is now at stake
so build a pretty flower
Erin’s boobs are very fake
But give her added power.
Tethered to the ocean bed
Your petals need collecting
We know you’ll beat the Chuay’s
Coz Tanya’s vomit’s still projecting.
The teams start on separate giant lilies. One by one they have to swim out to and retrieve six petals tethered to the ocean floor. First team back with their petals in place wins.
The challenge starts. As always when boys gather in numbers the studly ones have to prove themselves first, so Jed and Brian swim off to retrieve their petals.
It’s a pretty even race. Next is Jake and Helen, again pretty even. The third pairing is Jan and Robb. We know Robb is an old lady hater, so perhaps he jinxed her in some way as Jan takes ages to complete her leg of the race. Penny has done very little this episode other than commit the aforementioned Cardinal Sin.
When she fails miserably to retrieve her petal she has to swim back and tag Jed to take over her turn.
Jed’s teeth cut through the water like a sharks fin and he’s back at the flower soon enough to stop the Sook’s from falling behind.
Reading Jeff’s mind.
Multiple choice question.
When Erin flops off the edge of the flower Jeff is seen pursing his lips and sucking the air in over his teeth.
Is Jeff thinking….?
a) What an extremely poor example of a dive.
b) Ouch, that looks as though it was painful.
c) Look at that ass.
The final leg sees sicky Steph taking on Clay. It’s important to note that sicky Steph did beat Clay.
So immunity goes to Sook Jai again.
The sad Chuay’s go back to camp where Ghandia decides in would be a really good idea for her husband to see her laying with her hand on Ted’s thigh. High up on his thigh. High up on his inner thigh.
Ted decides it would be really good for his wife to see him letting her.
Sniff…sniff…. can you smell something? Smells like trouble.
Clay laments the dumb ass mistakes that cost the Chuay’s the IC. He doesn’t list them specifically as that would mean having to mention his own loss to a female who slept out in a monsoon all night.
Any Survivor watcher worthy of the name will know that whenever all signs point to a certain person getting booted that person is safe.
So we know the negative comments about Helen will ensure her “safety” for another week at least.
So to TC.
Jiff Ted, is that fact that you guys suck getting you down?
Ted Yeah, but I’m safe so I’m not that bothered. We’re still a family.
Jiff Ghandia, is Ted lying?
Ghandia Of course not. Ted is a very honest person and we can believe everything he says.
(that would be what is known as foreshadowing)
We round off a boring episode with a boring TC.
Helen has been instructed not to cry or baby seals will club her to death (or something like that).
Clay thinks the Sooks will be coming to TC soon enough. They will just as soon as the Chuay’s have been voted off, poisoned by manky seafood or hit the Bermuda Triangle in their quest for water.
The tribe goes off to vote. Ghandia votes for Helen because she doesn’t think she’s emotional enough. When judged against the trainwreck that is Ghandia that can almost certainly be viewed as a compliment.
Brian votes for Tanya because he’s protecting her like a brother would protect a little sister.
Brian’s protection generally comes in a pack of three and he hasn’t shown this much interest in his “little sister” since “Brotherly Love – Sex among the Siblings Vol.2”
So, it’s goodbye Tanya.
Her tribe mates had affectionately nicknamed her Tennessee, having rejected the equally accurate “Barf Bag”.
Next week on Survivor.
Ted and Ghandia get it on.