Welcome to the seventh edition of ďStanding in the ShadowsĒ for Panama: Exile Island! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods ďstand in the shadowĒ of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
Like, first of all, I said totally wayyy too much last time. I like told you all some secrets of my people and stuff, you know what I'm saying? Well, like, forget I said all that, because I got like a SIGN that I overdid it, with all of this lightning and stuff? So like yeah, just take a deep drag and forget this little firedancer gave away the goods. Like anyway, I totally did not see this merge thing coming! I was like, really really stoked to see some hotties on my new tribe and all. I'm like hoping that Aras and I will become "one with nature" if you know what I'm saying! Like, you know why I like volunteered to carry those snakes? I wanted to show Aras that I knew my way around a "snake". Ah, it's alright now, the goddess Pele, she like understands the carnal needs of the humanly flesh, and there's even like some rituals and stuff that I.......oh man, I'm like saying wayyyy too much again! Oh, yeah, and like I am so going to be in this for the long haul, being in my totally kickin' alliance now....I just need to get working on my "private" shelter.
Mmmmm-mmm!! Nothing like fresh, bamboo flavored rainwater right off of the oleí shelter support. I love it! WaitÖdid I say something? Did someone notice me? Let me tell you a secretÖyou may have noticed that I got muscles on muscles over here. But Iím not just a strong manÖI have brains too...lawyer type brains. I donít think one single strong guy in the history of Survivor has ever played the ďunder the radarĒ strategy. Who would ever think of that? Me, thatís who. Iím just going to hang around, listen quietly, and vote with the majority. And then BAM!! Iíll hit ya!! Shhh!! I gotta remember to keep quiet. For now.
Sure, I worked for NASA, and that might make you think I could engineer a better shelter. So we got wet in that torrential downpour last night. Better than being sucked out into space without a spacesuit on if you ask me. Not that Iíve ever had that happen, but yeah, way better. Shane should think about that before he bitches and moans anymore. What a drama queen. Anyway. So we got new tribes this week. Itís like finding out your mission was scrubbed, but you still get to be with a whole new crew with a whole other mission. I am so glad Terry is still a part of my crew, though. Or am I a part of Terryís crew? Either way, weíre super secret flight buddies. If he was on a different tribe and telling everyone about my advanced knowledge of space and technology, I would be in a bad spot. But heís not, so we can still work together and build us a new crew. Maybe Iíll make us some patches to commemorate this new, solid team.
From exile to the winning tribe just like that. My Fate sure is improving from the Worm Fest Ď06 of last week. My body was oozing with pleasure when we ate our first papaya. Or maybe it was the disfiguring red spots from my fungal infection that were providing the ooze, Iím not sure. It doesnít matter, really, because I am cool and in control. Iím not about to let a few bugs get in my way, nor a few hundred red spots, either. The gross stuff doesnít throw me one bit - itís making it to the real merge that counts. For now, I think Iím in a good spot. I wasnít the first girl to be picked for a tribe, but I wasnít the last one, either. I think I landed in the right tribe with the right folks to take me far.
I know what you're thinking: Yeah, I jumped on that boys head during the immunity challenge, and that wasn't very graceful of Cirie. But you know what I say? If you don't want your head jumped on, get it the hell out of Cirie's way, you know what I'm saying? Okay? I know I made a fuss about being lumped in with the "older women" last week, but I changed my mind. These kids are grade-A crazy. And for the love of GOD, what was that Tommy Lee look-a-like THINKING when he decided to go cold turkey off of 3 packs of cancer sticks a day? Him with his body tattooed with words all over like it's a book. I read some of it, and let me tell you, it ain't no bestseller. As far as I'm concerned, he need to get his scrawny butt offa this island. I mean, if he wants to go home *voice raising to dog-whistle tones* then let the boy go home! Don't go changing your mind back and forth and back again just because you got the DT's. I WANT to stay here, dammit. You don't hear Cirie complaining about leaves anymore, do you? No. I'm working on a therapeutic chest harness constructed from coconut shells and palm fronds, and once I get the girls contained for good, there is gonna be no stopping Cirie.
Everybody wants an alliance with good olí Nick- Iím like the big man on campus, even though I got picked fifth for my new tribe. Did you see the way I carried those snakes across the finish line, my bare chest glistening with water and sweat? Man, I was hot! And how about the way I rocked the water challenge? I was awesome. Awesome! It just doesnít get any better than me. I wasnít expecting this merge so soon, but itís nice to have the ladies around- the old tribe was sorely lacking eye candy. Sally and her stockings are s-e-x-x-yÖ sure she lost the fishing spear immediately after we won it, but I just couldnít be mean to that little cutie. Dan and Terry seem pissed at her, but all the ladies know that sweetheart Nick is on their sideÖ at least until we go to Tribal Council.
Yep, that's right. Danielle called me the cool guy with the Boston tattoo. I knew she was checking me out. Even though I miss my
cigaretteskid, I'm glad Aras talked me into sticking it out for another week...this new tribe might have potential. It's a hell of a lot better than being on the old dude's tribe, they were a bunch of bores. Now that we've gotten rid of Melinda, Cirie is next...and she knows it. I don't see anything wrong with telling it like it is. Why keep our new alliance a secret? It's not like they can do anything about it. Pretty soon it'll be just me, Aras, and the two chicks on the beach. All I have to do is keep my ADD under control, get some water and food, and keep these damned sand fleas off me, and I'll be alright.
I thought for sure I was going home when I wasn't picked...til Jeff said I was the only one that was safe! *whew* I'm in no hurry to go back to Exile Island, that place is evil. I used to be an Eagle Scout but couldn't even get a fire started, then my flint broke. Gotta be some of that voodoo stuff floating around here. That's what it is. Then I get back and find out I'm on the tribe with all the crazy people. I don't do all that new-age happy hippie crap. I bet they're wondering if I found the immunity idol...but I'll never tell.
Who would have thought that the tribes would merge this early in the game? I am ecstatic, I am finally on a tribe with some ladies. I was the first male picked for my team by that hot little number Sally, she thought I was fast and wanted me on her tribe. I had to pick Misty for our team because I need to surround myself with as many attractive ladies as I possibly can. The first day back at camp I was approached by two separate groups to make an alliance, two of the older men and two of the fine young ladies, they all want me. I am not sure who I am going to align with, if I stay with the men I will probably be able to dominate but if I stay with the ladies there is the flirting potential. Oh, what should a young, good-looking man do?
Goodbye Casaya, hello La Mina. With no offense to my former tribe mates, Iím much happier with my current position. For one thing, more people means I can coast a little longer. But what is so great is that Iím a girl. And not just any girl, but a fabulous girl. I look good for my age which automatically equates to me having the aura of being a power player. Sorry other older women, but itís true. You shouldíve spent less time at Taco Bell and more time at Ballyís. Itís all about appearance when youíre an older woman. Sad, but so true. So instead of being hateful about it, Iím going embrace it and use it to my advantage. Iím just as perky and cheerful as Misty and Sally. I even have pigtails which drives my hubby (and the pool boy) crazy. The men have the advantage in our tribe since there are only three of us women. I donít think it will be split like that. Thereís really no reason for it to be. Austin will make a play for Misty. Nick and Sally will shack up. That leaves me with Dan and Terry and together we will run the table. Just watch and wait. Youíll see.
Day Four started out great. I used my pole manipulation skills to poke that papaya. I was feeling so good after we shared the fruit that I even decided Courtney wasnít so bad. Then when Jeff dropped the bomb about us becoming two tribes, I was the first woman chosen. Sweet! I was so excited when we got back to the former older menís camp, and it was great. I approached Austin to just cement the obvious that the young, hot people would stick together. No one can resist my fashion sense. Iím so glad Misty and I donít have anything to worry about since Austin and Nick will stick with us. Things turned a little ugly after that. As good as I am with a pole, I donít have a lot of experience with spears. Why didnít I practice with that thing on the beach where it wouldnít have mattered if it slipped? Nick was very sweet about it and I wonít forget that. Iím just so glad we won immunity. Otherwise, I was sure the Probinator was going to grill me at tribal council.
Iím not sure what went wrong with our shelter. Iím sure weíll figure it out during our mission debriefing. Iím going to make sure it never happens again. The next morning, Shane started bucking for a dishonorable discharge. What the hell? Singing about fleas? I hated the fact that I had to choose a woman when we learned we were going to become two tribes; at least that freak Shane didnít end up in my new unit. Once we got back to our old camp, Dan and I made sure we bonded with the two new men. I hate that PC crap.
Chicks, Girls,Women have no place in the militaryon Survivor. Sally proved that by losing our hard won spear. If she hadnít, weíd all have full bellies right now. Shane demonstrated what a useless piece of flesh he is at the beginning of the immunity challenge. Even if you are down to your last rations, you donít admit you are getting desperate. Iím going to keep working hard and bonding with my men. Hopefully, weíll be successful in our mission.
On the fourth day, I was awoken from a dream. A dream where the blazing orange sky split open and the giant eye of Yoyohishnu, the God of flexibility, descended over my perfect, agile form. It pulsated and spoke, "Embrace change. You must leave behind the Tiger and the Wolverine and embrace the flighty energy of two fair ones and an angry, simmering, tattooed Warrior. You will go far. Yoyo takes care of his beloved." And the sky closed and before I knew it, I was awake and at a beach, blinking at a brand new tribe. Yoyo is wise. Frequently his eye pulsates and tells me to eat two pans of brownies and a sack of Funyuns, but only after I've had a few smokes off my dark, two-toned mohagany bong, with the most bendy of the kama sutra moves carved into it's exterior. And I hadn't had a hit for.......*counts*...four days at that point. So, I will behave as the wind, and float towards my destiny. And I feel very strongly that convincing Shane to remain a powerful anchor in my power-quad was part of my destiny. He is meant to be here. I am meant to be here. So I instructed him as I do my students when they're heading into downward dog and other, challenging, balloon animal shapes, "Only a little bit at a time. You can handle a little at a time." And it worked. Yoyo will be pleased.
Aras is a friggin' tool. He totally blew the cover on our alliance. Now Cirie and Melinda know the deal. Well, you know what the deal is, Yoga boy? See this nice wave? *waves hand* Well, four, three, two, one *leaves middle finger*...buh-bye. First rule of Survivor: don't show your hand. It doesn't mattah that Melinda and Cirie got no chance. The fact that they knows, means they can talk. And God knows we don't need more of that. We've got Courtney. Which I guess is mistake number two. Mistake number three: Shane. Shane who *I* hand picked because I thought his tattoos meant he was a hard-ass playah. Wow, am I impressionable. I guess tattoos don't automatically equal strength, money doesn't grow on trees, and alligning yourself with a detoxing loose cannon isn't the best strategy. I'm totally screwed. Unless I can harnass that detox-energy and work him like my own, pet, skittish chipmunk. Either that, or it's time to let this pink bikini do my negotiating. *shifts yabbos upwards*
Oooh, I'm so mad I could just spit! Who do these punk kids think they are, with their "yo, cool, dude" and their meditations and their LET'S VOTE OFF THE OLDER CHICKS?! Did I do anything to them? Hell, no. This is a case of the "cool kids" wanting to rule the roost. Just like that summer I worked in Dollywood, and all the blonde girls with big boobs got to work the good shifts. Oh, wait, that worked in my favor that time. Well, anyway, it's still not fair. They should have let that crazy-as-a-crackhead Shane go on home when he wanted to. Maybe Cirie will have better luck saving herself. Shoot, all she's gotta do is make Shane go a little crazier. Surely even those fools can see that having a pure freak like that around is more dangerous than it's worth. As for me, at least I get a shower now -- maybe it'll make my hair not look like a bee's nest. And I'll just hope that those four, who believe in karma, will recognize it when it comes back to bite them.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Dinahann, hepcat, lucy, Mariner, mrdobolina, shazzer, speedbump, SueEllenMishke, Suncat7, totoro, wayward and Yardgnome77