Standing In The Shadows, Mayan Style, Epsiode 9
Welcome to the 8th edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Guatemala: The Maya Empire! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
Did you see how much chicken was on my plate? Did you? *squeals with glee* Back home, I don't eat that much food in a week. But man, it sure was tasty. Of course, I would have liked to have won that clue, but 2nd place was pretty dang good, and I'd rather not have that target on me. The best part about Judd winning first place was that I didn't have to sit beside him as he got wasted. Thank God. That would have ruined my appetite for sure. It was bad enough that he patted me on the head during the challenge - it was all I could do not to punch him in the gut. These people are killing me with their "I don't lie" schtick. That is absurd, everyone in this game will be a liar before this is over. Like me, when they find Judd bludgeoned to death by howler monkeys and ask if anyone saw anything.......*wink*
Hi, my name is Lydia and I’m going to win this little game of Survivor. Jamie was such an idiot for giving up his place in line at the dart slinging challenge. Ha! I knew I was going to come in last, so it was nothing but good for me. *Rolls eyes* Yeah, eat those nuts, baby! *giggle* The testosterone level around this camp is just unbelievable. Between the rednecks and the drunks, we girls just need to sit back and watch the guys pick each other off. Umph. Jamie asked me if he was going to be in trouble at this week’s tribal council. Why are you asking little old Lydia? Oh yeah, ‘cause Steph and I are closerthanthis. I told him the truth when I said he didn’t need to worry about being voted out, but next time, who knows? *laughs* I’m satisfied for now, but sooner or later the others will see who’s really running the show – and it isn’t Stephenie, hint, hint.
Wasn't that magnanima...magnimoto....magni anos...real nice of me to give up that burger? Yo, my feelings were hurt when Bobby Jon said I had no class, because if I don't have no class that means I'm white trash. Calling a good-old Southern boy like me white trash is like calling Oprah a Nigerian: it just don't fly, and it pisses us off no end. But I can recognize when I'm outnumbered, and since I clearly pissed everybody off last tribal council I wanted to make amends. But don't think for a hot second that I would have done the same thing had I known I would win immunity this week! Like my granddaddy always used to say, "you got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away... and know when it's time to make another fried baloney sandwich for dinner because Grandma sure as heck ain't gonna cook for my gambling butt tonight." He was also fond of saying, "here's a quarter, call someone who cares!"...but he would never actually give me the dang quarter! That reminds me: Grandpa said he was gonna vote against me. I need to go spread the word. First, Grandpa's out, then the bugs the bugs! There are bugs crawling all over me! I think I'm cracking up.
Why, it has been my lifelong dream to become a member of the jury on Survivor…I guess I owe some southern hospitality to Mark Burnett for giving me a second chance. But why the heck did you have to put a guy like Jamie on the show with me? I’m the hard workin’ southern boy with charm. You knew we were gonna butt heads, didn’t you? Jamie did finally earn some respect from me by giving up his 4th place meal so everyone else could move up. And, boy, did I move up—but thanks to Judd not Jamie. When he chose me to come up and share his meal, well I couldna been happier than…well, me in a roomful of nekkid ladies. My strategy at this point is simple…either find that hidden immunity idol, or win immunity. It’s either that, or I’m pretty sure I’m heading back to Alabama. Don’t get me wrong…I’m gonna try to put the hex on Stephenie…mostly because I know her the best and know she’ll do what she’s gotta do to win this time. Wait…I’m not going home tonight?!?! According to my new bro Jamie, I think it’s Gary not me!! Well darn that Grandpa Gary anyways! It’s almost as if he’s a former C-grade celebrity that Burnett wants to use to garner ratings, too. How’d he find that darn idol, anyway? Well, that’s it for me, I may be dumb but I’m not stupid, and at least I finally achieved my lifelong dream and made the jury. Ladies, how cool is that?!?
Things weren’t looking much better for me and my former Yaxha mates when we got back to camp after those swine booted my bro’ Brandon. I was getting a little tired of the male chest beating so I tried to diffuse the situation between Bobby Jon and that little peckerhead Jamie. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have encouraged them to go a few rounds. My lucky hat came through at the reward challenge, and I even threw better than that former NFL hack, Gary. Oops, I mean that long time NFL quarterback, Gary Hogeboom. After all, I want him to be a guest on my show when we get back home and I gain back that
five pounds ten percent of my body weight I’ve lost out here. I couldn’t believe I won spaghetti with meat. Sweet! I’d been wandering around camp and in the jungle singing “On top of Old Smokey all covered with cheese . . . “for days. I could have done without Judd snoring and barfing in our shelter. In fact, I blame him for me losing in the first round of the immunity challenge despite practicing my balancing. You know how much I hate losing. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to listen to Judd’s lies about the location of the immunity idol. If I’d followed my gut and kept looking in the trees, I might have found it before Gary. Unless Gary and I can pull off a Hail Mary soon, I’m going to be taking a shower and eating some more spaghetti faster than you can say I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you.
How the hell did Gary find that immunity idol, man? I know no one saw through my line about it being on the ground. I lie like a rock, man. Solid. I should be an actor, man. That's the kind of skill that's gonna take me far in this game. But Gary, man. Gary either lucked out, or he's got some kind of freaky mind voodoo going on, man. Can you hear my thoughts, Gary? Can you? 'Cause if you can, I think you're a tall scrawny doofus, man. I know you're not a NFLer 'cause you're weak-looking, man. Huh? Like that? How does it feel to read those thoughts, man? "Oh, look at me, I'm Gary, I can reach into a tree and find the immunity idol because I'm tall and I stole Judd's thoughts." Whatever, man. I'm going to drum your freaky skeletal mind-reading ass out of this game. And then I'll get drunk, and I'll find your shelter, and I'll puke in it, man. So consider yourself warned.
Well shiver me timbers. I got a little buzz-on the other night at the reward dinner. Sweet! Too bad there were no frat boys to act all cocky and wear their baseball caps real low across their heads and then act like an ass to me which then makes me all hot and bothered because I think I can change them. *sigh* We should’ve kept Blake after all. The interesting aspect of sitting at the head table was why? Does Judd think I’m that much of a threat that he has to keep me next to him? Or does he just like the way my funk happens to smell like roses? Either way it doesn’t bother me. These people are so stupid, it hurts. They had the numbers to boot me off weeks ago. Yet through the magic of me being the greatest Survivor ever, the other’s have shifted focus on to the weaklings. I’ll just kick back and relax for the next few eliminations. Top four here I come!
Well, last week we lost the eye candy Brandon, and this week it was the eye candy Bobby Jon. The way things are going, I'm not going to have anyone to look at besides Skeletor Gary. Anyway, at least Jamie is still here! Sure I don't trust him at all, but he IS mighty cute. He keeps having these talks with me about not voting against him, and my heart almost stopped today when he said "Don't screw me..." but then he added "over", so I still have a shot with him! I'm sooo elated! I wish wish I could find a stone sharp enough to shave off this beard of mine, I'm not used to looking so manly. *shudder* Didn't I do GREAT in the immunity challenge? I have to admit, I even surprised myself. It was no surprise to me, however, when I did that head-first plunge into the water, I'm such a klutz. I think I'm proving though, that this wilderness guide is nothing to sneeze at! I might be a little un-coordinated, but I have what it takes to win that million dollars. Which I'm going to need since I want all-over laser hair removal, so I can be clean and smooth, silky, sexy........wait, where was I going with this?
Gary throw like Lydia the girly whoremonger. Yes, Gary lose to several guhrl-lee girls. Gary scoffs at stupid Judd behavior...but secretly wants the lobster bootay too. Gary sinks in pain....he sinks in pain....Sinks. In. PAIN! Must do something...something now! Gary heads to monkey forest, and looks for immunity idol...sees stupidity idol Judd instead...looking in the trees. Gary looks in the trees and hides the find. Yes hides the find. So Gary heads to tribal council, no doesn't tell a soul. He springs it up out of nowhere, haha all are shocked. I lied again. I'm not a landscaper. I had the idol. I'm really Optimus Prime, robot in disguise. I lied again. Then Gary goes and votes for Cindy. I hate her ponytails. I hate those doo-doo braids. Yes I do, Gary goes insane. Now Cindy mad, tribe is mad, monkeys mad, but Jeff Probst and producers happy. G is for the groin punch to my thinking brain parts. A is for the apple I will eat at the jury house. R is for the roid-rageously painful game I am playing. Y is for Yeah, I don't stand a chance. Gary! All root for Gary! Gary!!!!!
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Burntcrow, Dinahann, Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, mrdobolina, oneTVslave, Roseskid, Shazzer, Speedbump, Suncat7, Totoro and Wolf.