Alternate recap title: Fat Farm Commanders Vs. the Plankton Diet Die Hards. Just okay, but more joyfully militaristic! *claps hands*
Previously on Survivor: Ibreham can’t swim, Stephenie shoots the
shicrap out of some targets, and the Ulongians feast on chips and booze, breaking the no-swimming-after-eating rule by floating amongst the stingless pink blobs of jellyfish lake. Koror ties better knots at the immunity challenge, forcing an Ulong tie breaker. Due to a Steph/Bobby Jon blood pact, James returns home to delight his wife with his sessiality and a little “crane” operation. *nudge, nudge*
Side note: Crossed out word above for joy of smutty alliteration opportunity. Apologies! I have tourette's and am just barely keeping it down. $%&*#@!!!!
Ulong day 16
Stephenie’s embarrassed. She never thought she’d be in a tribe small enough to fit in the teacup ride at Disneyland. Yet here they are, ready for cups. <----(non-jock strap joke. Except for now. He he!) The wee little Ulong tribe hangs out amongst the caves to discuss the bewilderment over continuous losing. Why do we keep losing? They wonder. “Because the other team keeps winning.” <---said to me sarcastically once by a boyfriend whom expressed the reasons our football team kept biting the big banana. *sigh* Oh it’s all so complex! Stephenie tries to boost morale by saying sometimes losers win and fish fly, and maybe, just maybe, Michael Jackson’s career will recover. They all discuss how weird it is to spend this much time with people. Like, dude, Stephenie says, she never even sees her man-ho this often. “And I don’t even like you guys,” she thinks, but doesn’t say. All discuss their cuddly friendships and how the next tribal council will be uber emotional. Ibreham finishes the losing-means-goodness line of thinking by saying that maybe in some weird way, this constant-losing thing can work for them, in the way that constant losing always turns into white hot win streaks. <---same phrase touted by PR team for LA Clippers.
Stephenie approaches Bobby Jon to reassert her certainty that together, they can do anything! *tosses gleeful hand into team-building pile* Bobby Jon, however, is noncommittal and offers up a “you gotta do what you gotta do” non-promise.
Koror day 16
Morning on the Koror beach begins with shots of the beefy hot Tom further ratcheting up his hot factor by doing stomach crunches in the white sand. Other tribemates look on, appropriately agog. Images of hotness soon turn to images of limber ambition, as Ian nimbly pulls a huge mo fo-ing clam up from the bottom of the ocean. Katie appropriately comments on its 100 pound size by referring to it as the birth of Venus. Sadly for the male viewers, inside: no woman, just clam innards. Ian feels appropriately macho and says that the six or seven pounds of clam meat provided half a pound of meat for each little Kororian’s distended belly.
As the bloody, used clam shell sits by the shore of the beach, we soon see sharks start to swarm. Ian and
BortGregg stand at the water’s edge, spears ready to slam into anything that moves. Ian ends up slicing and dicing his mammoth feet by an ill-planned canoe leap, but no matter, as soon Tom comes bounding along with his rippling muscles and machete, suddenly screaming and hacking a shark to bits. The tribe runs over to watch him hack and giggle like a proud, but slow, boy, “I hit it with a machete and cut it in half!” he giggles, a big child-like and simple grin on his face. “And then I like…WHAM! Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about,” he further adeptly describes. I want to hear him say Yuge. Please! Say Yuge! It’s a yuge shark! It just sounds neat. The end.
Everyone’s gleeful about the shark kill, and everyone, including Tom himself, talks about how awesomely powerful he is. Tom says he’s no old dude, and could spin a Pinto like a plate, if he felt like it. Coby calls him the great white shark killer who might be hard to vote off. Ian tucks his tail between his legs and says that in order to one-up Tom, he’s going to have to come back with a humpback whale. Or kill Tom.
Kerosene Soaked Rope won’t Smoke the Dope, but Signs in the Trees are Practically Invisible! <---poor quality mini-poetry
It is reward challenge time, and up to display the clue, are the booty bumper pals of Koror, i.e. Gregg and Jen. The poem has an unusually high amount of rhyming meter. Poem guy must be sick this week.
You're lost in the wild
There's no one around
You find yourself thinking
You'll never be found
Use all your resources
Because when push comes to shove
Build a signal on the beach
To be seen from above
Then a plane will fly by
And within the next hour
If your signals' the best
He'll drop supplies to devour
So put your brains together
You can use only three
Creativity will reign victorious
Which tribe will it be
At Ulong, Steph wants to burn the hell out of their entire camp. “Set it ablaze!” she fictitiously roars into the jungle, Roman Emporer style. They tear every last structure on the beach down, burning their outhouse, the shower, and Probst (in effigy, for being a smart ass in the future). Steph says what sucks the most about being outnumbered: nobody to force feed them chicken nuggets and tiny rhubarb tartlets. Because you KNOW that’s what Koror is having. (Seriously.) Bobby Jon insults himself and his entire tribe by speculating that the other tribe might be working smarter. Sadly, he is correct.
At Koror, Gregg, Katie and Caryn are selected for the challenge. Coby says Gregg has the muscle, Katie has the creativity, and Caryn always works it like the runtiest poodle struggling to nab a teat. I.e. she works hard. The team has very little shoreline to work with, so all decide to move it down the beach away from camp, which means they have to carry all the bamboo etc. that much farther. It’s tough work, and Caryn sweats profusely while Tom sweats just for being so smokin' hot, and apparently, anxious, metaphorically biting the nails of his sausage-like man fingers. He’s upset that he can’t leap in at any time and turn the challenge into an All Tom Extravaganza™, and has zero faith that his fellow tribemates can (literally) smoke out the competition. Even more nervous is Coby, who’s freaking out about the lack of visible smoke, and wonders if his peeps might be waiting too long to light their coconut-lined bamboo sign ablaze.
Soon, Jeff flies overhead with some dude named Bob, a certified drop master, whose job it is to judge which tribe has the most visible signage. Bob first flies over Ulong’s spelling of the clever phrase: Ulong, wedged far too close to the tree line. For their part, the Ulongians run after the plane like a hobo after a freight car, yet far less successfully. All sweat and wave at the sky pointlessly. The sweatiest runner is Bobby Jon, who spazzes again by running desperately into the water, nearly drowning himself, in the chance that drowning = visibility. Even David Hasselhoff (The Hoff to me….for no reason) would find his desperation pointless, and we just look on sadly. Ibreham weakly waves his tribe’s flag as the plane keeps on truckin’. And/or planin’. <---sorry.
As the plane flies near Koror, the entire tribe freaks the hell out about the non-lit fire. But no matter, as Drop Master Bob sees the “Got Food” campaign set far away from the trees with an enormous arrow pointing to itself, finding it highly impressive. Bob decides: Koror wins. Again. Dangit! They get everything. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!
As the box falls down to the undefeated, ever chubbier Kororians, I think to myself that this might mark the first season of Survivor where people actually need Jenny Craig post show. They all grab the box and tear it open. Inside: sand, three bottles of wine, military rations, and inexplicably…….floor mats for a ’63 Camaro. The Kororians soon pack their pie holes full of glorious, gluttony delights, patting their rotund tummies and chuckling that they’re the winningest winners of them all! *gem studded goblets clink together* They all submit that their victories are no accident, they are simply favored by the gods. Soon the clouds part, and a herd of flying unicorns put on a Cirque du Soleil show for the chunky tribe.
The losing team, however, does not get rations. They get firebombed. “Incoming!!!!” Bobby Jon yells, while running in slow mo, Ride of the Valkyries playing passionately in the backdrop. Other than the fictitious, smoldering jungle, the Ulongians catch on that they’ve been defeated again when the little plane continues to fly by, never slowing down even long enough to drop a fictitious, inflatable middle finger. All are appropriately saddened. The finger would have made a sweet ride. Bobby Jon further displays the hang-dog feel of the tribe by saying, “they werked smarter, knowin’ thayem.” *sigh* Poor little, poodle-like BJ.
He’s Just Not Into You, He’s Into the Game
We’re back at Koror, where we see a flash of shark head remnants before the camera stops on all the stuffed Korors, laying about and sleeping off their gorge-fest. The scuttlebutt in camp is the relationship between Gregg and Jen, which Coby says doesn’t bother him, as long as they’re on his side.
Soon we see the lovebirds in play, when Jen decides to get water and Gregg playfully volunteers to go with her. He tells us how much it sucks rocks that he can’t talk intimately with her about snuggle bunnyness and kissy smoochyness because he’s always worried that people will be suspicious they’re talking strategy. At the water hole, he asks her what she thinks about their relationship and how it impacts the game, i.e. is it a non-issue, or what? Jen says it’s a non-issue because he’s rather stand-offish. Surprised, Gregg asks if his stand-offishness is annoying. A ha ha ha ha. Silly little Bort. Jen’s answer: “Sometimes,” which in women-speak means, “hell yes, you mo fo!”
Gregg tells us how tough it is to play the game and still create the sizzling atmosphere necessary for oily coconut massages and octopus-like grab fests. He asks Jen to give him a time when he’s been a dirtball, and when she refuses, he wants to know if it’s because she doesn’t remember a time, or if it’s because she just doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. According to him, their love fire lit itself instantly, but the game keeps rearing it’s ugly, reminding head. He asks Jen if she understands his aloof poo-headedness. She sort of does, (which means…not really) but I’m thinking she still wants to spank him. And not in the good way.
Jen’s side is that she and Gregg totally dig each other mucho, but he’s just wayyy focused on the game, and sometimes it’s all his little kissable lips yammer on about. Apparently there have been many days where he’s just been “off”, and she can’t tell wtf is going on. Meaning: he has been an ass, and she doesn’t know what to think. Like, does he still want to rub her the right way? I.e. counter-clockwise? Did he still want to feed her little MRE peanut butter coated crackers? Were they just an alliance, or more? She says now she knows there’s still that peanut-buttery good romantic connection, and she’ll see if he loosens up a bit.
Tom says he’s concerned with the little Gregg and Jen alliance, and wonders what kind of crazy stuff will go down when they tell one half of G &J incorporated that the other half is gettin’ downsized. He says the romance adds another emotion in at that point, and envisions one or the other roaring back on their haunches like an angry T-rex, and potentially chewing the heads off the teammates in a bitter fight to the death.
In Ulongville, it’s fishin’ time. They catch an enormous, Koror-sized clam, and a teeny, tiny little Oreo-sized black fish that thrills Bobby Jon. Bobby Jon says that getting that little fish felt like winning an extra point in the game, and made him feel like he’d “scored”. *insert your own joke here* All three chow down on clam, coconut, and black fish, with Stephenie commenting that it’s nice to be full for a change.
This time, Bobby Jon gets the challenge mail. More poemy-goodness.
The way to lose this one
Is to be just plain lazy
If you don't think you need to practice
Then you're just crazy
Keep the tribe together
Slide the pieces into place
Fail to heed this warning
And you'll be out of the race
The poem is accompanied by a puzzle to practice with. The Ulongians decide that this is their time to shine, and end up practicing all afternoon while sitting huddled together on logs . Will this work? Buwhaahaha!<---really not that satisfying this time.
The gods Smile Again
It’s Immunity challenge time, and Koror gets their first glimpse of the wee little Ulongians, now with 100% more Jameslessness. Jeff evilly baits the Ulongians by asking them how their fishing trip went, knowing full well they caught Nemo while the Kororians gorged on Jaws.
After the Ulongians blindly discuss their proud, Oreo-sized fish, Jeff coyly asks, “how about YOU Koror, any luck for you?” <---said in fictitious sing-song voice. Tom immediately grins in that, “I’m chock-full-of-fish” way, and talks of how he managed to drag in a sperm whale with his pinky, while solving a rubik’s cube with the other hand. Katie calls Tom the Beastmaster, while Tom details how his team rolled the tasty meat in truffle oil and gold shavings and ate until they were sick. Ha! <----the taunty laugh of smug satiation.
The Ulongians listen to their fatter opponents and look appropriately bitch slapped by the news. Jeff is the bitch behind the slap, and continues to spank away by prolonging the discussion of the Koror feast beyond what’s necessary. He tantalizes them with thick shark steak descriptions, and seems this close to summoning a sizzling fajita pan full of shark meat to pluck and pop into his tossed back, carefree, open mouth. His point: Koror caught a lot of food. Yeah, WE GET IT. *sigh* Let’s move on. Oh but wait, we must have the obligatory pain display of the other team. Jeff asks Steph: suck to lose? Steph: sure does. Annnnd red bottoms all around.
Burnett side note: look for a Koror Clam and Shark Hut™ to open at a location near you, fall of ‘05.
And finally, after the feasty description, the actual challenge. What’s up: both tribes have enormous floating puzzles in the water. Three people will head to each puzzle. One person will call directions, while the other two will float in the water and move the pieces as instructed. The tribe that fails to solve their puzzle…will be fire bombed. Again. <---forshadowing.
Annd they’re off! Coby gets off to a fluid and blissful start with precise, maestro-like hand gestures for his little stable of women. Jen adeptly moves the pieces with ease, while Janu floats about weakly, looking like she took one too many bong hits. Throughout the challenge, she limply floats pointlessly under the puzzle pieces, barely blinking the ocean water off her leathery face.
Ulong, on the other hand, has mucho difficulty with Bobby in the lead, whose facial expression continuously looks like he’s trying to solve Pi with an abacus. Steph tries to suggest movements from the water, but the enormous foamy pieces are more difficult to see, and inevitably, an overhead shot, and Jeff’s snide comments, point out the fact that their puzzle ends up more jacked up then when they started. Their puzzle looks less like the star it’s supposed to look like, and more like they’re going for Tippy the Turtle and a fall ’05 art school entry. Midway through the challenge, Coby’s kicking serious ass, and Bobby Jon and Steph decide to switch places. As soon as Steph takes over, they make massive progress, but in the end, it’s not enough to win, and Coby and his babes win it for Koror. Again. Bobby Jon looks punched in the face, and Coby celebrates by waving the little monkey. <---surprisingly not a euphemism.
One Less Hoo In Hooville
It’s nearly tribal council time, but first up is the strategery necessary to decide who goes home. Steph says it is sooo not her time, and approaches Bobby Jon to force a promise. Bobby Jon doesn’t want to talk about it, and says that he doesn’t know what will happen until the final torch is snuffed. Steph ends up adrift, ticked that she’s left with the two people with the most in common: i.e. state, age......and testicles. *sigh* She can’t win. Figuring she has no other choice, she approaches Ibreham and says, hey, why do we have to let Bobby Jon decide, eh? I mean…why should he get to stay? Why should we be the patsies? Perhaps BJ should go. Ibreham’s honest, and just says that he flat out doesn’t know what to do, and can’t make any promises. Thereby sealing his fate forever…ever…ever. *echo*
Jeff suddenly has a froggy, musty voice. We do not know why. But this doesn’t stop him from cramming the Ulongians full of his flavorful, pointed questions.
Jeff to BJ: who decided on who to be the caller? He did, he says he made a mess.
Jeff to Steph: Did BJ bite the big banana? No, in many ways, we all had a bite of that banana.
To Steph: Frustrating? Yes. <----(very deep exchange.)
Jeff to all: Why do you all suck so much? Why didn’t you write “loser” on your applications? We set you against every possible combo, and you blew it. Heck, we could have set you against a team of eight chickens, and they would have kicked your non-poultry asses. BJ wimpers that they don’t plan to lose, but maybe he’s just cursed. Jeff doesn’t blink.
To all: You must all be tight? BJ, are you surprised at how close you all are? Yep. He gets no coconuts without Ib’s say so, and no water without Steph’s hand on the goblet. Camp life is like a blissful little fairy tale.
To all: what are you basing your vote on? Bj has no idea until his pen hits the paper.
To BJ: why steph? She’s threatening.
To Ib: If you knew you were going, what would you say to change their minds? He says he’s loyal and does what he says.
To Steph: Are you voting on loyalty and friendship, or voting out the toughest dude? She’s voting on what will take her the furthest. Are you worried tonight? Um…duh.
To BJ: are you worried, or are you safe? He says it’s like putting that puzzle together, it’s all wacky. There’s no reason he should stay over either of his tribe mates.
And the vote:
First vote: Ib
And the last person voted out of Ulong…………….....Ib
Is it just me, or is it the coolest thing ever that they’re letting this tribe remain an itty bitty tribe of two? Ahh…viva la difference! Jeff rubs it in by saying that despite the fact that they’ve been completely decimated, they somehow, somehow, still believe in themselves. *evilly cackles, slaps knee* Have fun, "tribe".
Next week: Rats move in to Koror, Coby hates the girls, and BJ can out-burp Barney on the Simpsons. Lovely.
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