Welcome to another edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Panama: Exile Island! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
So I was sitting there trying to start that damn fire, and I kept getting these mental images of toys. First I saw a Slinky, kind of fuzzy, but definitely a Slinky. Then that faded out, and suddenly I'm looking at a pogo stick, just leaning up against a wall all casual-like. I'm thinking to myself, Cirie, girl you have GOT to focus on this fire and stop thinking about how to spend a million dollars. So I blinked a few times and WHAMMO my fire flares up; it's going like gangbusters! Aw yeah, I'm thinking, I'm GONNA WIN! And then all of a sudden, all I can see is this huge freaking Yo-Yo in my head. The fire's gone. The Yo-Yo is mesmerizing me. Up and down. Up and down. You know I'm completely freaking out at this point. I'm trying to get that fire going again, but every time it starts to burn, the Yo-Yo comes back strong, swinging closer and closer to me. I looked to my boy Aras for some help, hoping he would give me a calm smile and I'd get re-focused, you know. Yoga-think. And...it gives me the shivers just thinking about it...he was sitting there with his eyes kinda rolled back in his head. His lips were moving, but just barely. Weird, huh? Well, you know the rest of the story by now. Danielle built a better fire, and I had to sit on the jury. And now I find out that America freaking loves me! How cool is that? Well, it's not a million dollars worth of cool, but still. I look back on this experience with nothing but good memories. Except I have this nagging urge to buy a Yo-Yo as soon as possible. Fortunately I have a brand new car to drive me to the toy store! *toot toot!* Watch out world, here's comes Cirie: Most Popular Survivor EVER!
Since when do chicken, vegetables, and protein shakes help with balance? Come on Jeff. A big old slab of prime rib with a fully-loaded potato and a keg of beer would have tasted better and been a hell of a lot more satisfying. I’m still disappointed in Danielle. I was so stoked when she won that fire building challenge. In hindsight, I should have been rooting for Cirie. Heck, I should have voted for Danielle to go and told her the hidden immunity idol made me do it. No chance in hell Cirie would have been able to balance on that third platform. What made Danielle think I’d vote for her to win $1,000,000 after she screwed me over for the millionth time? So Aras winked at her and she nodded. So what? She actually agreed to take me to the final 2 while we were on Exile Island. Well, she’ll have a long time to think about the $900,000 she lost by making a stupid choice. In the end, I had a great time proving I can still outplay any 24 year old punk ass kid at 46. At least I have a home and a great life. I haven’t freeloaded off my dad since I was 17. I wonder how much I really could get for that ugly ass little idol on e-bay? I bet I could get more if I sold Danielle along with it. Hmmm.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! !!! I deserved to win! Me! Not that flaky wimpy Aras!! That money is mine! Miiiinnee! I deserved it more! I sat there for 30-some days biting my tongue and avoiding camera time and contact with other players for this. I tried so hard not to make enemies so they'd give me the money. I won that last challenge! Give me the money, Aras. Give it to me! Ow! You elbowed my ear! Give me that .... oh, handing the check off to Probst, are you? Thought I wouldn't see it? God, you have no subtlety. Hand it over, Probst. You think a girl won't kick you? Well, ha! A girl just did! Don't lie there on the ground trying to look pitiful, it won't work. I know you're looking at my boobs. (So are you, Courtney, by the way. Talk after the show, m'kay?) You can stare all you want, but who's holding the check now, huh? That's right, me. Me! It's mine! Get off me, you security buffoon! Arrggghh....
First, a moment of silence. *pause* Now let me just express myself by saying that YOYO TOTALLY *&%@IN’ RULES THIS *@&%IN’ GAME!!! Wooooooooooo!!!!!! *breath* Wooooooooooo! *pant* Woo! Woo! Wooo! Wooo! Woooo! Wooooooooooooo!!!
In...your...FACE all other apparently not-so-omnipotent deities! Who’s the omniscient divine being descended from a cirrus cloud on the wings of a giant duck on the wings of a flying Sea-boar? Who fed the lava back to the Octopus of Doom and then rode him, making all the other gods cry out, "Oh Great One! We bow to your Bendyness!" Who can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and then appear bearing its shape in extremely vivid dreamquests? Huh? Huh? That’s right! DA MAN! Yoyohishnu in the hizzouse! WOOT! WOOOOOOOT! Forgive my outburst, but my joy causes me to act in a manner that I can only relate as “Yoyorific”. Positively...*&@#in’.....YOYORIFIC! Woooo!
Yoyo has asked me to still.
Ahhh. I’m letting the win get to me and this game was meant to tear DOWN my ego, not build it! Ahh..I am still the autumn grasshopper: foolish. Ahhh..but Yoyo never lets me go too far before humbling me, does he? *chuckles* Like my rock tumble! How magnificent! There I am, filled to my third eye with mimosas and power, foolishly celebrating my victory with Danielle, when Yoyo hilariously SLICES OPEN MY SPINE! R.O.F.L.!! It was all I could do to keep from guffawing between muscle spasms. But then I constantly feel Yoyo’s Sweet god-breath licking at me, issuing crazy orders, appearing in even crazier shapes! Take the last challenge and Danielle’s nod. I was staring at her breasts when something told me to look up. WAM! As it turns out, she has EYES to look into! After 39 days, our pupils FINALLY met and I was able to spy a pork-chop shaped cloud behind her head! Some say it was the midday sun, but *I* knew it could only be the spicy chipotle essence of the Great One, whose preference to appear as pork products knows no bounds! His Holy “Chopness” told me, “leap to the water, my son. Leap, and you will be saved.” And I did. And I was! Danielle was the chooser, Danielle was the most hated, Danielle became ALL-THAT-WAS-CRAP-ASS-ABOUT-CASAYA and I..freakin’ WON! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO!!!!
The good news is I never again have to stand downwind from Shane’s genitalia, flapping in the breeze like a pungent, peach-colored wind sock. I hope. But I must now go, as Yoyo awaits His Share of my million. And if I don’t bring it, He warns that tonight’s dreamquest could involve visitation to a strange temple where I will be violated by monkeys. Repeatedly. And I don’t want that. Not now. Not again.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Critical, Dinahann, hepcat, Lucy, Mariner, mrdobolina, Shazzer, speedbump, SueEllenMishke, Suncat7, totoro, waywyrd and Yardgnome77.