Welcome, Survivor fans! By now you know that Aras won the big bucks in what was probably one of the most ho-hum finales ever. Did anyone really think Danielle had a chance? Nah. So now that the voting is over and the torches have been snuffed, what about the rest of the Survivors, the ones that didn’t make it? Remember Melinda and Misty? Neither do I. How about Bobby, he of the deuce dropping? Or maybe you recall Space Ghost Dan, or the strangely non-talkative (at least until he got booted) Nick? What have they been up to? It’s all over but the snarking, as the Survivor reunion show gets underway....
Uncle Sam is Watching
Now that Aras is a new millionaire, Jeff makes a funny and tells him to “pay his taxes!” as the crowd laughs. I bet Mr. Hatch isn’t laughing right now. A quick montage of Aras and Terry’s perpetual pissing contest is shown next, as the resident alpha dogs are shown arguing and butting heads during a challenge. Jeff calls it one of the most significant rivalries they’ve had on the show and asks the two how they really felt - Aras says he was glad to have someone like Terry to go up against, and Terry felt the same, saying (and I quote) “two mature guys, getting it on, strapping it on, it was great!” I am so not touching that one. Terry gets some props from Jeff and the audience for winning so many challenges on his own and reveals that he was frustrated near the end, especially after potential ally Shane was voted off. Jeff then pokes fun at Aras and his yoga-inspired exercise at the beginning of the game, when he asked his tribemates to hold their hands over each other’s hands until they “felt the heat.”
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t
Jeff turns to a dejected-looking Danielle and tells her she played a quiet game, and rehashes the trouble she had with figuring out some of the challenges. Asking her how she chose which guy to take to the final two, Danielle replies that she felt a lot of people were getting friendly with Terry at the end and decided on Aras, but she felt that she would have a tough time beating either man. Jeff says “let’s find out” and asks the jury who they would have voted for if it was between Terry and Danielle - only Cirie and Bruce raise their hands for Danielle, and Terry sees just how close he was to the million. Danielle doesn’t look pleased. Before going to break, Jeff just has to ask Aras - how did he keep his hair like that? Aras laughs and credits Cirie mostly, but says all of the women would help him with the goofy hairdo. Thanks for that, ladies.
Get Up Offa That Thing
It’s Cirie’s turn in the spotlight, and Jeff tells her that there were a lot of reasons not to cast her, but it was her spirit that won them over. Cirie gives her trademark giggle and tells him that she was miserable on her first day there, and couldn’t believe her friends and family didn’t talk her out of this! She is happy that she made the effort now, and says that she is “off the couch” and feels like she can accomplish anything. Her husband “HB” gets to stand up and tell us that he has seen a side of Cirie that he’s never seen before, and gets teary-eyed as he says how proud he is of her. Aww, goes the crowd.
I’m Not a Lunatic, I Just Play One on TV
The enigmatic Shane is next, and he tells Jeff that Cirie played the best social game out of everyone. He must have gotten over his anger at being blindsided (either that or it was all just an act) since he goes on at length about the wonder that is Cirie. I’m just trying to figure out what the hell he’s wearing. Jeff turns his attention to Bruce, and goes over the poor guy’s troubles for anyone who didn’t see it. Blocked bowels, blocked bladder - he was pretty well stopped up, and I’m sure he appreciates Jeff rehashing it on national TV. But Bruce tells us that he’s feeling great now, and even had his chipped tooth fixed (it was broken by Nick and his wild machete swing). He also was suspended from his teaching job without pay because of the show, but is back on the job now. Back to Cirie, Terry pulls out a trophy with a fish on top and presents it to her for winning the “Survivor fishing tournament” with her big fish that she drug back to camp.
But wait - we’re not done with Shane yet. We get a clip of his “best” moments: the cigarette cravings, the outbursts, the thinking stump, the wooden “Blackberry”, and the rash down below that wouldn’t go away. Jeff wants to know if Shane was just putting us on, or was he really losing it at the beginning. Shane confirms that yes, he was going nuts at first with no water and no cigs. Jeff then reveals that Shane has been through AA (is nothing private here?), and Shane says this show was the hardest thing he’s ever done. That, and explaining his antics to his son.
Don’t You Forget About Me
Tina gets a moment, as Jeff reminds us that it is Mother’s Day but it’s not a happy day for Tina, who lost her son in an accident. She says that she is doing as well as could be expected, and playfully chides Cirie for orchestrating her boot. Austin gets a minute (and some laughs) as he recalls his time on Exile Island with Danielle and the never-ending rainstorm, and credits the game with renewing his faith. Dan gets some time, too, as Jeff asks how this experience could possibly compare to being in space. He replies that it was incredible to be away from everything, no email, no nothing - just to be in nature. Jeff then asks Courtney if she took anything positive away from the game, and she replies with the standard “I learned a lot about myself.” Too bad she didn’t learn a new hairstyle, as she looks very Medusa-like tonight. Sally gets her dirty laundry aired next as Jeff talks about her divorce and strained relations with her family, and she says that the show helped bring them together a little, and that she is happy with the choices she has made in her life. Nick is asked what we should know about him, and he just replies that “Nick was hungry!” Okay then, Nick. When asked what we should know about him, Bobby says that he was surprisingly cuddly (hey, just ask Bruce - remember the outhouse episode?), while Ruth Marie claims that she got a bad edit because her personality was “way cuter” than was shown. Misty says she smiled through her bug bites, and Melinda gets about 2 seconds to tell us that she can now handle anything thrown her way.
Before we wrap it up, Jeff announces that Cirie has been voted most popular and as such, gets the keys to a brand new GMC Yukon in the color of her choice. She is delighted and turns to hug fellow car winner Terry as her hubby cheers in the audience. I bet he doesn’t get to drive it.
That’s it, Survivor fans. No more Survivor until this fall, when we travel to Cook Islands, home of a former leper colony and visited by Captain Bligh. Arr! And yes, Exile Island will be back. Let’s hope the ugly little idol actually gets used this time.
It's gonna be a long wait until next season...firstname.lastname@example.org