Exile Files is a weekly look at the political intrigue and alliance related trends occurring on the Panamanian beaches and on Exile Island. Who is wheeling? Who is dealing? And of course, who is reeling? This article is a purely subjective analysis, and we cannot be held accountable for your rankings in your office Survivor pool.
Er…what am I doing here? *laughs nervously* I’m sorry, I was looking for nudes of Jeff Probst (Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!!) and I ended up mysteriously signed up for this article. This is going to be the cocktail-weenie version of the analysis article. I.e. much smaller than the original. Because there are only four people left, and “this is all ah’ve got to say ‘bout tha-yat.” <----”Forest, Forest Gump” voice.
In a Nutshell™: EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE DANIELLE TO THE FINAL TWO. Except for Danielle, who can’t. But if she could, she would kick her own ass! “EAT fire, beyatch!” <--D1 forcefeeding her torch to D2. Lacking the ability to asexually bud off a giant-choppered duplication of herself, Danielle has to choose someone other than her clone. She should pick Aras. Why? Because.
Let me tell you how I feel about the whole matter: I want everyone to take Cirie to the finale. (If possible. Please, baby, make fire!) She giggles delightfully, she’s charming, she’s smart, and I want to hold her at night TOO. So what they all should do to secure themselves some serious ka-chingaty bling bling, versus what I personally want them to do again, seems diametrically opposed. Sigh.
The let’s-farque-with-people’s-alliances reward challenge this time involved a big win for The A-bomb (Aras). Aras got a yacht trip, Supreme Taunting Rights over Terry, (“My torch is bigger than YOUR torch!”) and a big-ass meal to share with the only person who won’t be totally pissed at him. Was it a mistake to take Cirie? Eh. Some might say “shyeah!” Those who utter in such ways. But really, the fact is, this is about food, and whomever would be left behind is gonna be enraged at lack of access to filet mignon. Anybody in a choosing role this close to end-game is semi-screwed. Beef: it’s what’s for dinner. And can apparently separate you from a million dollars. (As Oprah knows too well.*)
*legal disclaimer: I heart beef. Beef = love! I’m eating some right now. Pleasebuymorebeef. *cue Aaron Copeland*
Anyhoodles, if Aras left Cirie behind, I don’t know that she’d necessarily align with Terry, but “C’mon, naw!” stranger things have happened.
The Power Quad, in order of Best Singing Voice to Most Cuddly Nightime Companion
Aras: Yes, he leaps to numero uno! Only because he won the most recent challenge, and has a belly full of food. Can he start kicking Terry’s ass in the final 3 challenge, whatever that may be? If they’re hanging from monkey cages or scaling a scorpion encrusted cliff face, the answer is YES. Maybe. The point is, he could win the last immunity and be the chooser. Terry’s getting weak. The brain is atrophying. And did you see him next to Aras? Simian.
Terry Why? Duh. He’s number two mainly for the reasons stated above. And unlike many people, I think a Terry/Aras final two might have quite a split jury vote. Or maybe I’m just talking out of my ass.
Cirie If she somehow manages to make fire and be chosen by the final two, girlfriend has a shot at the gold! Woo hoo! *does butter churn* Obviously, this makes me happy. Butter-churn happy. But the likelihood of the precursors above happening are…eh…49/51. <--random, made-up odds. <--Call Vegas NOW!
Danielle Not a prayer to win it all. Her best bet is to bring Aras to the final two. Where she will lose. Badly. She’s screwed! Wheeee!
A Last Note:
This game is 80% luck, 15% strategy, and 5% “best smile”. Anybody who doesn’t think that luck comes into play in this game, I have this to say to you: “Beyatch, please.”
In love with butter. firstname.lastname@example.org