Standing In the Shadows, Mayan Style, Episode 4
Welcome to the fourth edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Guatemala: The Maya Empire! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
Just when you think you have a game all figured out, something happens to turn it all upside down. I go off for a nice shower and a decent amount of grub and when I get back I find out those idiots in the front office have made a trade. What’s worse? They brought in that annoying sportscaster who knows I was a quarterback. I stuck to my story though. I am just Gary the Landscaper, not a famous ex-QB and heartthrob. I had a great recovery plan to handle Danni in place though. During the immunity challenge I was going to “accidentally” slip and throw the club at her, but who am I kidding, I had more interceptions than touchdowns in my career, I really shouldn’t be throwing anything without padding on. So I just sat it out, and we won, so my strategy was perfect.
This whole jungle thing has been such a journey of self-discovery for me. I learn more about myself each day, more about the "true" Rafe! Today I discovered that I am a finely tuned fishing machine, my lightning-quick reflexes saved those feisty minnows from flopping back into the water. We had a tribe reshuffling, and I have to admit that was pretty disappointing. I mean, the blue buff was so much more flattering on me than this icky yellow one. They may as well paint some red stripes on this one and call me Ronald McDonald! You know what else was disappointing about the new tribe members? No eye candy for me! Out of all four guys from Nakum, we got Judd? Life is so unfair! At least I got to watch Bobby Jon shower, even if it was from a bit of a distance. *sigh*
Well slap my bum and call me Petunia. I can't believe the luck I'm having. First we lose millions upon millions of challenges and now I'm sleeping with four new tribemates under the stars- which is really making it difficult to get in some snuggling from Jamie. Errr...I mean...he's just putting some sunscreen on my back. I was surprised to see how quickly Judd came over to our side. What an idiot. *snort* There's always one sacrificial lamb in every game. He just secured me a spot for a good couple more weeks- which is great because I'm not tan enough and the sun here is wonderful on my bronze and sweaty body.
New team? Meet the new Lydia, same as the old Lydia. I’m a hard worker and I keep my mouth shut. I don’t have Brian to watch my back anymore, but Rafe stepped in to take his place. Hey – I’ll take all the help I can get! Can I trust Judd? He voted against his former teammate, Brooke. *shrug * That just means another week here for me. I’m not ready to go home, but with three votes against me, maybe it’s time to show a new side to Lydia. I’m ready to channel my inner diva and see what happens.
This tribe shakeup is going to be awesome for me. I didn't LIKE my old tribe. Sure, we won challenges and stuff, but they were always whining and puking and lying around. Do real Survivors lie around in the heat? No sir. They put on sweatshirts and go get freakin' wood. So those people can get out of my jungle. I'm with a new tribe now, and I made that clear to my old tribemates right off the bat. Vote one of the new people off? Fugheddaboudit. Vote off the weak, baby. It's all about the 'tosterone now, and I got it in spades. No way can that vote for Brooke come back to haunt me, right?
Daaaaannnnng, it is hotter than dog snot out here. Just when ya think it can't get any hotter, it does. I mean, when it was 104 degrees out, I couldn't imagine it being 105. And when it was 105, I thought - no way, I can't imagine it being 106. What, it's 114 degrees out? That's impossible, I heard your brain starts to melt when it gets to 110. I'm just gonna to go play in that nice cold swimming pool over there. What swimming pool, you ask? That one right over there, next to the cabana boy holding the drinks with the umbrellas in them. You can't see them? Look closely, I'm sure they are there. *rubs eyes* Huh, that's weird, I coulda sworn...Don't worry, the monkeys told me there is a cold front coming, soon, soon. Right after they take care of Judd, that double-crossing lump of lard. He had already gotten on their bad side with all of his complaining, and I can tell you they didn't appreciate his lame-o King Kong impression one bit. Plus, I know they are looking out for me - Cindy, Queen of the Jungle. Since the other Survivors seem to be trying to get rid of all the young hot chicks, I know I'm a target - but I'm not worried. I've got friends in high places.
This change in tribe has me all worried. Judd is acting like it’s not a big deal, but my stomach is telling me, “Danger Margaret Nightingale! Danger!” I know Judd doesn’t like me much, but I told him that he would be making a mistake if he aligned himself with Jamie and Stephenie. Our original tribe must stick together. That idiot didn’t listen to a word I said, and he turned on Brooke. That’s okay. Let’s see how he manages to bandage himself up when that monkey attacks him.
So apparently I'm not only sickly looking, but also SMELLY to my tribe. I'd take another dip in the lake to spiff up a bit...but there are creatures out there, man. I saw that croc out there, and I swear to God, man, it was a hundred feet long. No dude can survive that kind of raw power. They're just gonna have to deal with my smell. Screw them. That reminds me- I decided that Steph isn't so bad after all, and kinda buddied up to her after we got traded to Nakum. Me and her and Judd have got one of those alliance things going now, which is A-OK with me. I've got the brains, he's got the brawn, and she's got the rack. Now that's what I call a winning combination.
Yo! Man, I have no idea how the Maya developed such a strong civilization out here. This place changes you, what with the starvation, the heat, the mosquitos, and did I mention the heat? All I can do is just lay around with my tribe and try not to move so as not to generate any body heat. We’re definitely not in Kansas anymore. At least there I can swim without fearing crocodiles chewing on my skinny butt. Mostly, I am going to just stay behind the scenes and prove my worth through physical challenges. Even in a new tribe, I’m still an alpha male. Did you see me toss those Mayan war hammers? I won that challenge for us. The strong and the skillful will survive…as long as I keep winning immunity.
What the heck? Hey, Burnett…I agreed to do this season of Survivor! with the understanding that I would get top billing as the hardest working, most handsome survivor ever, and have my mug plastered all over the TV screen so all the lovely ladies of America could hope to some day bask in all my glory? I mean, I hardly saw me this episode, and the few times you did show me, it was to illustrate the extremity of the mosquito problem down here or to point out how bad I stink after 9 days of no shower, toothpaste, or foot powder. That shower was great. I did get to show off my awesome bod and smell nice for the ladies of Nakum. Or am I Yaxha now? Damn you Burnett, you confused me!! I can’t keep myself straight. I don’t even know what tribe I’m on anymore. You promised there would be nothing too challenging for my tiny brain. Where is my contract? Anyway, I’ll just stick with the familiar faces and continue to help my tribe win immunity. Yeah, that’s right Stephenie! I am not a loser!
Abs. Arms. Back. Buttock. Chest. Buttock again. All steele. *slaps own hiney* Move over
bacon Tony Little, I've got your next Gazelle™ spokesmodel right here! Woot! *boxes air* I'm hotter than a howler monkey. And I should know, I used to be screechy and fur-coated until I Naired myself into Ricky Martinville. Yeah, sure, I talked to Bobby Jon about a final four pact, but who wants to talk about pacts when we could talk about pecs, eh? *nudge* Nobody's asked me to go commando yet....but they will. Just a matter of time. So I've outfitted all my swim trunks with velcro, in case anybody wants me to tear it all away. *fwooosh* And we all know that my fuzzy dot will totally kick the ass of Ricard Hatch's fuzzy dot. And ladies? FYI: my dot is HUGE.
A swollen ankle? What? That ain't no swollen ankle, that's just herpes of the foot. I swear, a girl rubs her foot in the wrong place ONE time, and she pays dearly for the rest of her life!
*scampers off into the bushes* Phew, I am so glad I got away from the tribe. My ankle is killin' me! I have tried everything! I ran around, climbed ancient stairs, jumped on a wobbly boat for the immunity challenge, and even played a little papaya ball with the boys. I don't understand why it doesn't heal faster. Anyways, I am glad my new tribe won immunity this week, or I would of been toast. My only chance to stay here is to keep winning!
Well, we got switched up tonight. I wish I could be enthusiastic and give a woo, but dammit, I can't. This is what I get for having the most tribe spirit I guess. Now we are outnumbered, and I am on a tribe with a bunch of guys who like to talk strategy on their pee breaks. "So, uhmm *whips it out*...I guess Amy tonight?" It really sucks. On my old tribe, my only competition was Gary really. Lydia, Amy, and Rafard Simmons were just sitting ducks. I will miss Rafard's workouts though. OMG, his step, reach, and release routine with those baby flying squirrel skulls as weights was incredible!
Anyways, so know I am one of the weakest links, as you could probably see at the immunity challenge. I am just not built to throw a football, let alone a large metal thingy. Did you see me out there? I looked like a freaking Gary Hogenboom. *cries*
Coming off of last week’s winning bucket in the immunity challenge I was feeling good about our tribe but really tired. All I could really do for hours was lounge about and swat lazily at the skeeters between taking sips of water. Break from challenges my ass Jeff. So my tribe votes me as most in need of nourishment and I get an APPLE. What the hell? Meanwhile fat ole Judd and Margaret get to go on a picnic that reminds me of tailgating before Chiefs’ games. At least there was more fruit and some wine when we got to the Yaxha camp. My babe, err Blake, even fed me. There’s nothing between us just like Gary’s not an ex-NFL quarterback. At the immunity challenge, I took over for that tool Brian and knocked out a tile in a snap. I noticed Mr. Not A Quarterback didn’t take a turn. I was so psyched when Brandon pulled it out for us. It was like a well executed two minute drill. I’m going to work on a winning game plan with my new tribe.
Well hell! I guess my under the radar strategy that I thought was working so well backfired on me. Stephenie couldn’t even remember my name for god’s sake and kept calling me the law girl. When we were picking buffs during the reshuffle, I should have known it was foreshadowing when Jeff said to choose your fate. Judd is a conceited fool. I can’t wait until he joins me at Loser’s Lodge. I was feeling okay until I heard him and Stephenie discussing me. I tried to go over and break up that conversation but it was too late. You’d think Judd could have at least spelled my name right while he was stabbing me in the back. I may be from Hood River, but I’m not a stream and I certainly don’t babble. Anyone who watches the show can attest to that. All I can say is that I hope one of the original Nakum women wins this whole thing and rubs the money in Judd’s face.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Burntcrow, Dinahann, Lucy, Mariner, mrdobolina, oneTVslave, Roseskid, Shazzer, Speedbump, Suncat7, Totoro and Wolf.