Standing In The Shadows, Mayan Style: Episode 3
Welcome to the fourth edition of ďStanding in the ShadowsĒ for Guatemala: The Maya Empire! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods ďstand in the shadowĒ of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
God, it's hot out here. I tried to hide it but Brianna really got on my nerves. She was a useless excuse for a tribal member - I couldn't even look at her without showing my disgust, so I just ignored her. And I couldn't believe the way she just stood there during the reward challenge! I know absolutely nothing about basketball, but at least I didn't stand there taking it easy while my teammates were trying to win the challenge! Geez, I'm glad she's gone! Get rid of the dead weight and we'll whip Nakum butt next time!
Hell, itís so hot, I donít even care about the alligators! Iíll go swimming as if Iím at the oleí swimming hole! What? They arenít alligators? Theyíre crocodiles? Heck, Iím from Kansas, all I know is that theyíre dangerous! But I donít care, get busy living or get busy dyiní I always say. Or was that in a movie I once saw? It donít matter anyway. Iím liviní on the edge! Iím glad I can continue to help my team win too. It just gets me closer to that million dollars. Do you have any idea how many cool hats I can buy then?
I am really liking this Nakum tribe. We are way better than that silly tribe I was on with Stephenie. See?!? I wasnít the jinx on that Ulong tribe. I just wanna keep close to that immunity idol. Itís everything I heard it was! Whatís that? Stop giving me orders, Margaret. For Peteís sakeÖIím 33 years old and (arguably) the hardest working Survivor ever(Take that Matt from Amazon!). I can put up a tarp to make it look like a circus tent with the best of them. Geesh! Now make me look like a Borg for the immunity challenge, please.
Oh, those boys are setting up the tarp all wrong. I couldn't take it anymore and I just had to give them simple step-by-step directions on how to set up the shelter. Bobby Jon didn't seem to comprehend what I was saying. Sorry, Bobby Jon. I don't speak Neanderthal. The rest of the boys didn't like it that I was telling them what to do, but someone had to take leadership. Needless to say, the boys ended up with a sorry-looking shelter. It looked like a messed-up circus came to town. I'm so upset that I don't even want to comment on it anymore.
I didnít get a chance to keep calling Gary out on his super secret identity this time because I was too busy trying to keep the brain damage to a minimum during the reward challenge. Geesh, I know Iím tall for a chick but was it necessary to whap me in the head every time we picked up a pole for the tent? I love a good underdog story, so I was so excited when we came from behind and finished putting our tent together first that I started barking orders for everyone to get on the mat. Next time, Iíll try to cool it a little. I wasnít going to let the guys take the boat out by themselves and cool off in the water or discuss strategy without me so I tagged along. I figured crocs couldnít be worse than some of the asses I deal with at work. Besides, if I turn sideways, no one and no thing, including crocodiles, can see me. I know when to compete and when to back off. Thatís why I stayed out of The Great Nakum Tarp Debate. I loved helping my tribe prepare for the immunity challenge. Face painting and decoratiní reminded me of getting ready to watch my beloved Chiefs. At the immunity challenge, I was psyched to kick Stephís butt. Scoring the winning bucket and then accepting the immunity idol from Jeff was sweet. The only thing better would be the Chiefs winning the Super Bowl or me winning the million.
Howler monkeys? Yeehaw! Being woken up by one of those fellers is worth every bug bite I've gotten out here. I just felt so bad for that little guy all alone in the jungle, I wanted to shimmy up that tree and give him a hug. I started to holler back at him until I felt a rock hit me in the back of the head. I turned around to see ol' Yankee Judd standing there looking guilty, but he swore he saw that rock fall out of a tree. Rocks fallin' out of trees, my ass. Just wait until I tell my alligator friends about him, he'll be sorry.
Dang, it's hot. It's like... Guatemala hot. Unlike Brianna. That butterface totally screwed us during the immunity challenge. She was, like, just standing there, leaning up against a pole! Like she was waiting for her Orange Julius to be ready or something. I want that jinx Stephenie gone A-SAP, but it was time this week for Brianna to get back to the mall and stock up on some Stridex. First things first. Now that she's gone, I'm gonna work on my hypnosis skills... look into my eyes look into my eyes not around the eyes look directly into my eyes ... you will vote off Stephenie ... and 3-2-1 you're back!
Shhhh. Keep your voice down, will you? We don't want to wake them. Argh! Argh! Too late! Can't you hear that horrible sound?! That throbbing yell that reverberates through the jungle, shaking stone temples to their foundations and KEEPING ME AWAKE?!! It's the monkeys! My god, the monkeys! They're awful! I haven't slept in eight days! I see monkeys dancing in my peripheral vision ALL THE TIME! Ok, admittedly that could be Cindy. She's all, like, ONE with the monkeys. I caught her trying to pick something out of my back hair the other day. But she doesn't howl. I don't think. Wait! What if she's communicating with the monkeys?! Calling them into camp and making them howl so I never sleep! It could be strategy! An evil, evil strategy. Well, I'll get her. Margaret's bossy but Cindy is a monkey, and I hate monkeys. MONKEYS!!! They're howling again! Make them stop!! *sob*
Did you see me out there? Wow, it was just like the old days. I was barking out orders, calling audibleís, watching for blitzes. Blue 42! Five steps to the right! Hot route! Hot route! I was so involved with the game I almost slipped up and tried to tell Jamie to hike me the ball. At least Jamie knew how to play. Brianna kept trying this stand in the corner and do nothing strategy that never works. I should know, I tried it against the Rams one time. Coach Landry was hopping mad that day. Then Amy was shaken up on a play and things started going downhill. We didnít have to call the trainer out or get the little stretcher cart, but it still looked serious. So our game plan fell apart, and that happens sometimes, but this group didnít respond to the challenge. I think it is time for some extra practice sessions. I do miss the old days though. I could throw a pigskin over a quarter mile. We would have won too if coach had put me in for the fourth quarter.
Man, I thought the humidity and heat of the jungles of Bahston was high in the month of July, but itís nothiní compared to Guatemala. Hey, Iím a city girl all the way. I only sent in my audition tape because my boys on the force dared meÖI didnít really think Iíd get picked. Gah, Iíve been wearing the same shirt and underwear for seven days now, and Iím beginning to reek as badly as some of the guys on skid row. In addition, things got a little rough today, and my ankle is as swollen as a pregnant womanís belly. But I ainít quittiní. Let them stick needles in my eyes, or even braid my hair, nothiní is going to slow me down. Iím just gettiní started. You can mark my words.
My ultimate goal is to become a judge, so I leaped at the chance to direct my tribe in the reward challenge. I learned to project my voice in trial advocacy class and ordering people around is a lot of fun. Just yelling at Bobby Jon and Margaret to stop was a rush. I can only imagine how much fun itís going to be to tell other lawyers to sit down. Maybe Iíll try telling the howler monkeys back at camp to stop. Besides, Iím no dummy. Iíve seen the challenges on previous Survivors where people are blindfolded. Someone always ends up getting the crap beaten out of them. I wanted to stay far away from that action. Itís so hot here that we can hardly get anything done at camp. Well anything other than lazing about in bikinis and barfing. I had fun during the immunity challenge trying to tackle Stephenie. Danniís not the only strong woman on our tribe.
Dear Santa: I know itís early but throw me a bone, would ya? I mean come on, itís me- Stephenie, Queen of the Jungle. Iím tired, hungry and ready to kick some ass. Iím stuck in this cluster mess and just once Iíd like to win a few challenges in a row. Iím beginning to think that perhaps voting Brianna out was a bad move. It shouldíve been Lydia. Sheís nice and all. She even makes a mean corn pie, but take the pot out of her hands and she turns into a spaz. She ruined it for us in the reward challenge. Apparently she still had some fish gills in her ears when Jeff explicitly said ďno running with the ballĒ. I couldíve crapped my tiny bikini right then and there. Iím having a hard time maintaining the niceness. Pretty soon I might have to get nasty which might cost me the game.
I sat out while some of my teammates went for a dip in the river. Those alligators would like nothing better than to get ahold of a lean piece of meat like me, baby! If one of the others makes a nice alli-snack, so be it, it puts me closer to the big payday. We got some body-paint to play with before the immunity challenge, and Margaret was taking her sweeeet time painting my torso. Why aren't the younger chicks paying any attention to me? I just don't get it!
I scored a point! I scored a point! Did you all see that? In the immunity challenge I scored a point! I'm sure that my protein fix from the termites I ate had something to do with it. I haven't been in a delicious pile of sweaty men like that since.....oh wait, my Mother might read this! Never mind.
Well #@$% you and your little dog too. Voted out? Day 7? What the #$@%??!! Yeah, I curse. I also play the lute, smoke stoagies, and run a Guatemalan cock fighting ring in the jungle between takes, but you all didn't bother to get to know me, did you? Plus, you'd think with all these guys on the tribe, somebody'd be able to pitch a tent. Nope. $#%@in' softies. But then, I always expect the guys to do all the work. And by guys, I mean Stephenie. I don't know what a kickstand..kickstart..doohicke y is. Whatever, Rambette. So I opted to become one with the pole. Did it cost me? Maybe. But I've got kick-ass braids, and damnit, no one can take that away from me. I'm gonna take out my aggressions in the ring. Tonight, Lillified Lydia goes up against Chi Chi, the Rampaging Rooster. Yeehaw! *strums lute*
The ousting of Polly Pocket Morgan? Yup, that was all me. I must say it feels great to be in the know and in control. I am freaking Batman, and Lydia is my Robin. Together, we will rid Guatemala of super villains like E. Coli and El Mosquitor! Now if only we can get some immunity wins it would be great. I mean, I tried to hype up the tribe before the challenge, but we still managed to lose thanks to Brianna, pretty much guaranteeing her eviction. Right now, I am right in the middle of the power players in my tribe, so I think I will be here for a while. I have no rivals because I have inside me blood of kings. I am the princess of the universe, so step off fools!
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Burntcrow, Dinahann, Lucy, Mariner, mrdobolina, oneTVslave, Roseskid, Shazzer, Speedbump, Suncat7, Totoro and Wolf