Here is the latest edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Palau. Each season our excellent staff has stood in the shadows of the Survivors just so you can find out what is really going on behind the scenes.
Janu's is really bringing everyone down with her Dawn of the Dead attitude. If I wasn't playing for a million dollars, I would vote her out in a minute. But, the fact is that this is a game, and it's not about who deserves to be here. It's about who will help me win mucho dinero. Janu wants to be voted out, but that's not going to happen. I need a loser like her around me so that I can get further into the game. Tonight, should be a piece a cake, since I convinced the others to vote out Stephanie. That girl can't kick all of the guys' butts and that just doesn't bode well in Gregg's world. Stephanie boo-hooed and all, but I know that my alliance will keep true to their word. Oooh nooo, she didn't! That big-eyed skeleton girl, Janu, just threw a wrench in my plans by quitting the game. Well, I guess I should look on the bright side. I won't have to keep one eye open at night wondering if Janu was getting ready to eat my brains out!!
All this time, I really thought Jeff Probst had it in for me. What with the tauntings and the “nyah, nyah, nyah, you’re a loser” stuff. I thought he was getting a huge kick out of all of our suffering at Ulong. He sure fooled me. How could I not have realized? He’s just like my old track coach, Ms. Vole, who used to drive us five miles out of town, pour Tabasco on our tongues, and make us run back in for water. *sigh* Good times. See, it was all just tough love from Probst, too. He really proved himself at tribal council. As soon as the water covered my end of the grill in the immunity challenge (and don’t think I didn’t notice that the guys got the shallow end! *shakes fist*) I had this feeling that the drowning sensation was both literal and figurative. I could sense that the open arms of Koror were about to shift into a choke hold around my throat. The pre-tribal chat was maddening. Here’s Janu: “I hate you all and I want to go home.” Here’s me: “Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleas epleaseplease!” From Tom’s lame “I’d give you a fire truck anytime but this is Survivor” crap, I knew I was toast. And then Jeff Probst stepped in like my personal guardian angel. He completely manipulated Janu into quitting! I couldn’t believe it—at first I thought all the eye-rolling had made me dizzy. But here I am, good for another few days! I owe you one, Jeff!
Oh who am I kidding. I’m riding the coattails of the stronger tribe mates. I could’ve ridden them during the immunity challenge if it hadn’t been for that meddling Janu. No, she has to help after the second scaffolding is in place. Damn her! I was enjoying resting on the wooden dock-thingy and watching Tom and Gregg do all the work. Their glistening wet bodies, writhing with intensity. To heck with the money. I want water challenges everyday! The reward was just divine. Here we were, stuffing our faces and I was waiting for the right moment to bring up an alliance. But…Janu has to screw it up again. Drats! She went tossing her cookies and it buzz killed everything. I’ve got to figure a way into Tom and Ian’s alliance. I mean, I’m sure he likes me and he likes the way I flaunt my boy-body at him. I just need confirmation. I just want to save my energy for the final four.
What a weird week. I thought for sure that my team would win the reward challenge, since it was Steph and me leading our four. Well, that would have the case, I'm sure, but you can only go as fast as your slowest teammate, which in our case was Katie. Yeah, you see what I mean. Oh well, I didn't need a feast, anyway. *wipes away tear* At the Immunity Challenge--surprise surprise, another underwater challenge--I nearly won, but Tom's nose must be just longer than mine or something. Bah! For bailing first, Janu had to spend the night all alone on a different island with meager supplies, but I knew she'd be just fine. She went to college for 20 years; she's no dummy. Finally, Gregg decides to declare it "Ruin Ian's Day Day" and make the executive decision to vote out Stephenie. Whoa, hold on there, little man! Who put you in charge? Since when did this become The Adventures of Hairyman? Why can't we vote out your girlfriend instead? What a hypocrite. Jenn is a threat, too; he just feels inadequate around a nice-lookin' threat that can also beat the living daylights out of him. I couldn't go through with it . . . it wasn't right . . . so when we were all having the usual tribal council talk, and Janu mentioned she didn't want to be here, I subtly suggested, "Well, you have the freedom to lay your torch down. . . ." Jeff and Janu both jumped on the idea, and voila! Steph's still in the game, ha! Don't mess with a man who wears glasses underwater.
I felt shocked and betrayed when Coby was voted off, and I was furious when I realized Katie was running around talking about me behind my scrawny back. What is this…high school? She thinks she’s some Saturday Night Live comedian, or something. But I showed her what Survivor is all about at the Reward Challenge. I’ve been saving all my energy, and I rocked! Then when I saw all the epicurean delights at the Palauan feast, I forgot all about her. The food was so good, as a matter of fact, I found a way to taste it twice, although it was much better going down, than coming up. *burp* At the IC, when I heard Jeff say the first person to bail would be exiled to their own island, I thought, hell yeah, that’s for me. Once there, I found I really like having my own island. I had a little trouble getting a fire going, but once it was going strong, I danced the I Have My Own Island dance, and sang the It’s All Mine, I’ve Got the Moon, the Stars, the Water, and the Fire song. Who needs people? Not me. Who needs food? Not me. Island owners Johnny Depp and Mel Gibson have nothing on me, baby. I was happy as a Palauan clam alone on that island, but I know I'm going to have to go back to Koror, and I don't want to be around them anymore. I wish I could just quit this game. Eh? What’s that, Jeff? I can? I’m completely satisfied with my time spent here. I have already received what I need from this whole experience…camera exposure, weight loss, a good tan, and a nice vacation from Vegas tourists. Hmmm, the others think they have everything all planned out, but with me quitting, I can really mess with their heads, so see ya suckers. One last thought...I'll be on the jury you smucks. Who's laughing now, huh? Yoo hoo! Here I come, Coby!
When Coby was voted out, Janu looked like a crazy
Jack-of-all-Trades, Jack-in-the-Beanstalk, Jack-O-Lantern, Jack-in-the-Box person so much so that she scares me. She’s creepy, and it’s my job to make sure everyone around camp knows how I feel. Janu is especially creepy when she’s impersonating herself, being impersonated, by impersonating herself, ack. See? She’s so creepy she’s got me all confused. I hate that she performed so much better than me at the RC, too. I hate that she’s lost so much weight, and I've actually gained weight. Damn her! *shakes fist* To top that off, I couldn’t believe it when they came back from their feast, and she proceeded to eat some of the food they brought us…just because she had been puking, or some such nonsense. The nerve! Then Caryn did it, too. I’m a powerful chick here at Palau High, though, and I’ll see they pay for that. But first I’ve got to do something about Jeff. He’s been sticking his neck into areas he just doesn’t belong in this Survivor game. During the IC, I was just trying to keep everyone entertained, when Jeff said I was poking fun at Janu quitting the challenge. I was laughing with her, not at her. It’s not my fault she wasn’t laughing, too. These people love me because I’m funny, and hey, I’m no threat, so they’ll be keeping me around, and that suits me just fine. Bwuahahaha.
For the record, I knew that Janu was going to quit. When Katie made fun of her, it was like when I take care of my kids and they gang up on each other. How am I supposed to take care of my perfect body when people are arguing and thinking about something as insignificant as strategy? I need peace and quiet. I actually thought about throwing the Immunity Challenge to get some alone time with possibly a mirror, but my competitive side got the best of me. You all know that I simply cannot let Stephanie do better than me. In anything. So it was down to me and her (the guys don’t count) and I, of course, let her win. I am so superior to her in every way around this island that it would’ve been mean of me to show it to her yet again. While waiting to win the million dollars, I just brush my hair, look around, make sure Gregg is giving out my orders to the other puppets and enjoy a nice tanning session. Life is sure grand on Koror. Another good point, now that Janu is gone, I can fully get back to my throne. Well, you folks may call it a simple hammock but it is in fact Jennifer's Palace.
I stayed as far away from the Janu/Katie confrontation as possible. I’ll enter a burning building without a second thought, but there is no way I’m trying to break up a cat fight. I made that mistake once when my wife and her sister were having a spat at Thanksgiving over whose dressing was better. It was great to win the reward and all. I don’t like losing at anything. I would have been more excited at the beginning if Jeff had said the beer was Guinness though. Gregg and I carried our team with a little assist from Janu. One of the things I like about both Caryn and Janu is that they are no threat in the challenges. Despite the lack of a good Irish draft, the reward turned out to be awesome. We got to meet some inhabitants of Palau other than the rats and show respect and be respected. It is an experience I’ll never forget. The feast rocked. I haven’t had corn on the cob that good since I used to go to Coney Island with my family as a kid. I couldn’t believe that Janu and Caryn ate part of the food we brought back for the others. Discipline ladies. Discipline. When Jeff told us the immunity challenge was about the ability to stay calm and overcome fear, I knew I had it in the bag. That’s what I do every day back home. I cracked a few jokes and used my patented two-handed snorkel technique and voila, victory again. I do feel a little bad about smirking when Janu dropped out. As much as I respect Stephenie and would be proud to have her on my fire truck, Gregg convinced me she’s a threat to my win streak. I hope Steph and I can be buddies after this Survivor thing is over. Frankly, I was relieved when Janu quit. I was dreading having to decide whether to betray a worthy player or enlarge the already huge target on my back.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Cali, Eny, Feifer, Ilikai, John, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Miss Filangi, oneTVslave, Phat32, Roseskid, Shazzer, Silverstar, Spegs, Speedbump, Texicana, and Wolf.