*slamming hand on bony knee* What did I tell you? Once again, Eliza's the target. It happens every time I'm in a group of women - they all start to get jealous because I'm petite and cute and smart. And yet, I'm the one left smiling...again. At first, I thought Chris was trying to pull some scam on me by asking me to vote with him. Then I thought, Twila's playing him. I've never trusted that man-troll Twila. She looks at me funny sometimes when she's sharpening that machete of hers. But it turns out, Twila was backstabbing her own little coffee klatsch. Not only am I safe for one more week, but I don't have to take all the blame about it. Ask Twila! I'll tell 'em, while I laugh myself silly.
Now that I can relax a little, let me tell you about the reward challenge. It was a memory quiz, so naturally, the one with the most smarts won - me! I was so happy when my mom walked out. They had me fooled with that big satellite parked there. She told me I looked thin (thanks mom) and it was so great to finally talk to someone at my speed. Mom said she worries that I'm not flossing enough. Sheesh, mom, everyone could hear you. But it was great, and then she left me her shirt, which I totally needed because I'm so sick of all my other clothes that I'm forced to wear a bikini all the time. She didn't need the shirt as much as I did, so I didn't mind sending her off in her bra. I'd do the same for her. Well, if she were a size zero like I am.
So when Ami won immunity, I just assumed we were sticking together like rice for another week, but then I hear that Chris is looking for a little hookup. Sure, I was against it. But all those weeks where I barely escaped with my life are starting to wear me down. I didn't want to turn on Leann, but what if she really were trying to get rid of me? And you know what? It turns out Chris was right. *sucking in stomach* Time to buddy up with the old bags again...surely they would keep me over Chris. Um, wouldn't they? *eyes popping for umpteenth time*
What the hell happened? I’m going to go over this to see if I can figure it out. It sure didn’t take Chris long to nark out Twila and Scout. What a typical guy he’s turning out to be. Since he’s so ready to kiss my butt, it can’t be anything he did.
The reward challenge was a good one. I’d finally get to see Chrissy. Too bad she looked so awful on the computer. If she’d done something to look better I’d have tried harder at the challenge. Who the hell knew the people would actually be there. Stupid Jeff. I think that’s where it went down hill. I got all confused and flustered when I actually got to hug Chrissy. Jeff had lied.
So, I win Immunity. Of course at that point it was just showing off for Chrissy, I was sure I didn’t have to win. Then Leanne’s name gets read over and over. What about Elyza? It was HER turn. I had made that decision. A head will roll for this…And yes, that’s exactly the type of head I mean.
Ooo, howdy! Where I come from, we got a word for what I did this week: "lyin'." (We got colorful 'spressions for everything!) Do I feel bad about it? Helll no!
Jeff told us whoever won reward would get a one-hour chat with a loved one. He teased us with a one-minute chat on the "computer" and let me go first. Then that damn Yankee asked if I knew how to work the typing-TV. Well, hell no I don't! But Jeff is all right for a Yankee 'cause on accountin' he put up a tiny little video camera so that I could talk to my son, James. And whoo-ee! Ain't CBS fancy! This is stuff like Mr. James Bond got or sumpthin'!
Now, later on, Ami and Leann came to me and asked if they could still count on me. I spun a whole bunch of stories and swore on my son's name. And it seemed like they et it right up! For the immunity challenge, they brought my little James back to play on my side! Now, we didn't win, on account of James didn't inherit my brains (but at least the Lord saw fit to give him my good looks).
When we got back to camp, some of the womens got together and decided to let Chris stay and vote Eliza out. Well, Chris was all happy so I went to him and got him to talk to Eliza and make a new pact with Scout, me, him and Eliza. Then we voted out Miss Fancy Oh-I'm-Safe-Tonight Leann. And wasn't the look on her face priceless! HEE!
*sniff, sniff* Do you smell that? It's the sweet smell of assured victory. This is perfect, Survivor fans. The dynasty of women is sure to hold strong now . . . there is but one manling left, and I don't think he looks intelligent enough to instigate a rebellion. No, no. Definitely not . . . have you ever seen an intellectual-type with a mustache such as that? All is quite safe. Yes, a slight change was tossed into our plans when Miss Mouthy Mouth Eliza won the reward challenge and her equally mouthy mother came back to stay with us at camp. For the love . . . never have I heard such babbling in my life. It would have been so much better if my best friend Teri had come to stay . . . not only does she look just like me, but she would have been nice and quiet, much like I am. Me, times two. Hee hee! Unfortunately, this was not the case, and we had to spend the day convincing Doolittle senior that there was no Ebola in the coconuts and that the bugs will not, in fact, pick you up and fly away because they are the size of Buicks. Silly old bat.
So, then, the immunity challenge. Teri wasn't much help to me at all, so we just gave up and hung out while everyone else scurried about fussing and screaming at their loved ones. Is that what it's like when doves cry? No big deal, though--it's not like I needed immunity anyway. The group consensus was made to vote out Eliza instead of the manling, because the manling screamed his voice raw in his futile attempt to win immunity. At least we won't have to hear his groveling for the next three days. We went to Tribal Council, and much as we expected, voted out Leann. WHAT!?!?!? ME? How? Why? When? WHO!? Oh my gosh . . . who would do such a thing!? Someone lied to my face and went against the will of the team!! That's so despicable . . . I am freakin' floored, flabbergasted, and fuh-lustered! I'm just . . . waaaaaaaah!
I can't believe I got to see Annie this week! I've missed her so much since I've been here, it was just wonderful to see her. I am going to have to talk to her about all that jumping, though. I mean, it's just so special that she was excited to see me and all, but landing on Mother Earth so roughly just isn't how we choose to live our lives.
Speaking of Mother Earth, I can't believe that Ami and Leann bought it when I lied and told them the plan last week to get rid of Eliza was Chad's idea and not mine. For goodness sakes - I swore to God on it, and they didn't pick up on that. I'm not about God, I'm about Mother Earth, but they didn't notice. I hope Mother Earth will forgive me for even bringing up that other diety's name.
Twila got Chris to vote with us, and Chris got Eliza to vote with us, and we voted Leann out, even though I said I'd vote out Eliza. I just couldn't stand how smug she and Ami have been getting.
I swore coming into this game that I'd play with integrity, honesty, and truth. But if that didn't work, I swore that I'd lie, cheat, and steal. Some might say that attitude means I only value fine qualities like honesty and integrity when they suit me, but they're wrong. Now, if I can just interpret the meaning of that dream I had last night. We were still in the barnyard, but I wasn't a chicken; this time I was a weasel with two faces.
I tried stirring things up, but nothing worked. The girl power is just too strong. The ONLY way for me to stay in the game is to win the immunity challenge. I'll tell you right now that I WILL win immunity, and that's a fact, Jack!
Oh hell! My sweetie made me lose the IC. I'll make sure to remind her of that at our budget wedding. I've exhausted all my options in trying to stay afloat, so the only thing to do is to throw in the towel.
Well, what do you know. My little informant, Julie, tells me that the women want to boot Eliza tonight. I feel like a tornado of happiness. Is there such a thing? No, you say. Well now there is!
I must be dreaming because Twila, (yes the same Twila that needs me to do the strategizing for her), wants me to get Eliza to vote with us against Leanne. Just between you and me, it was actually my plan, but I let Twila think she was the one that came up with it. She's as dumb as a rock, so I just wanted to build up her self-esteem.
It was a thing of beauty watching that idiot Leanne getting her torch snuffed. Look out Ami because this Grand Master Strategist is back, and I will enjoy kicking your man-hater butt!
Duh-hude!! Holy *censored*!! I cannot believe how totally rad it was to see my best friend Justin! It was like.....rad!! I mean, totally, totally, rad! Just when I thought I was only going to get to see him and talk to him via the computer...he totally popped out of the bushes! Like a cheesecake out of a spring form pan!! I was like...whoah...and he was like...whoah...and we were like....totally, totally, like....whoah. I just hopped right into his arms and wrapped my legs around him and I was like, wow…I missed him so much and like, he accidentally yanked my shorts kind of up and off my hiney and I just started cryin’ cuz I thought….why is he only my best friend? Pffft. Do I not see him? Am I high? He’s like, totally tall and lean and hot and stuff. We need to like…be like….more than best friends, dude. If only I’d remembered even one tiki or pig statue and our night would have been sooo different *censored unspoken thoughts* With best friends like Justin…who needs
the coast guardSarge?
But Justin didn’t get to stay. I lost immunity again and he was whisked away on that wicked white speed boat. It was so sad. I almost cried, but I just turned and looked at Chris instead and thought, well, that’s a man right there. He needs to stay. I talked to my honey schnookums, Leeann, and me and Ami and her all were totally about chucking Eliza off the island and keeping Chris, and it was all I could do to not jump up and down and squeal like our cleverly named pet, "Piggy". I had to run right on over to my Chris baby and tell him what the mcdeal was. I told him he wasn’t goin’ home and he was like.....psyched, dudes, psyched. It’s like he almost couldn’t believe it. But yep, he was stayin’, even though Eliza’s like a baby sister to me. But get this, man. Listen. Like, we were all at tribal council and stuff, and suddenly, they voted off Leeann!! What the *censored*? My mouth hit the sand, and Leeann naturally squeezed me emotionally on her way out. I can’t believe it. Who will I have tickle fights with now? Who? *sniff*
Thank you to the following for contributing to the shadows this season: Bill, Bravo, cali, eny, Feifer, hepcat, Ilikai, Lobeck, Lucy, Manny, Miss F, Paulie, Shazzer, sher, spegs, Stargazer, Wayner, Wolf and Zaius.