It was so funny to come back to camp and hear Lisa blame Eliza for how the vote went. I think she actually had people believing it was Eliza’s fault. HA! There was a rainbow the next day, so I announced that seeing it meant we would win the challenge of the day. Of course I was betting on the fact that the others wouldn’t figure out that the guys could probably see it too. I’m surrounded by fools, so obviously they didn’t. I made the first match at the reward challenge, which sent us on a streak. We won a guy named Da… or Duh, or Dah. I really don’t know. He met us back at camp and showed us all the food we’ve been sitting by, but missing all the time. He then gave me crabs. No worries Chrissy, these were the eatable kind. All his help really boosted our morale, so when it came time for the immunity challenge we were full, rested, and ready to rock. We won the immunity, mostly because the guys were too busy fighting over who was boss. I always knew guys were losers. I knew a couple of the girls were actually depressed as winning immunity guarantees that the guys will get more camera time. That’s all cool with me though. One step closer to the million.
You’re not going to believe this…Lisa - you know, the repulsive old fart with the cheapo boob job who thinks she’s part of the cute girl alliance - stabbed me in the back at Tribal Council. She totally lied to my face. And instead of saying she’s sorry, she has the nerve to bitch at me for voting out Dolly! It makes me so mad! See, when I had to take out Dolly, I explained my position clearly and showed the others that I didn’t have a choice. Dolly just couldn’t be trusted because she flip-flopped between alliances. I even apologized my ass off just to make them all feel better. And now Lisa wants to blame her vote on me? Back off, bitch. Oh, I’ll play nice, but the first chance I get, she’s gone. I had to laugh at Lisa during the reward challenge when she did her little skipping dance of victory. She thinks she’s so hot, but she’s just making the guys hate her a little more. I almost wish she makes it to the merge so I can hook up with some hot guys and vote her tired ass off the island. Well, at least we won the reward. That Da was a doll. I’ve never cooked before, so I had no idea it involved so much digging and chopping. I’ll never take Cook’s creations for granted again. I should really have the housekeeper send her a pick-me-up bouquet to thank her when I get home - maybe one for Da, too. *sighing wistfully* My life will be so different once I win the million dollars.
Well, let's just say I'm active. All energy all the time. Like a powder keg. Pow, pow. *punches the air* I mean, I...get..stuff....done. Let's see....I nodded my head, going from an upward motion......to a downward motion; I scratched a bug bite......and...hmmm...I uncovered the second shrimp trap in the matching game. All in the same day. Fwew. I'm beat. My number may be up with Mia gone, stupid Lisa, but at least we won Da. I'm in awe of Da. Besides being incredibly nimble, the man gave us the almighty sugar cane. And shimmied up that coconut tree like a god. A tree climbing, bamboo splitting, fish spearing god. So god-ly, in fact, that my island sisters sang him a hymn upon his departure. *sniff* He'll be missed. And I will be too, soon, if I don't ditch Eliza and slither in good and tight with the older sisters. Time to get a movin'.
Wow, this game is easy! I am taking "under the radar" to the next level, baby. Many past Survivors thought they were under the radar, but just think about how many of those guys actually had their names mentioned by other players. Sometimes, you'd even see them on-screen walking around and stuff like that. I don't play that way. I'm redefining the role, evolving it into an airtight strategy that future generations will always talk about. "Remember that one woman? I can't recall her name. The one with the hair and the face? Anyway, she was great. I think she won." They're going to make a little statue in my honor. It'll be just this wooden platform with nobody on it. And they'll call it the Old What's-Her-Name Award. I'll be almost famous.
I have been waiting for this chance—WAITING, I tell you! The last two days were all that I hoped for in this game. Finally I got the chance to really shine, shine like the shiny, shiny diamond that I am. Sure, things got off to a rough start with Eliza’s mind-boggling hypocrisy, but I’m in the right alliance now; the old broads make me feel so young and limber by comparison. My domination began at the reward challenge, where I got to flaunt my memory game prowess (I didn’t raise six children for nothing). While bringing the win home for Yasur, I was at last able to show off my slammin’ dance moves for both tribes and Jeff Probst…those adorable dimples! I just want to squeeze his wittle cheeks! The Lisa Parade didn’t stop there, no sir. Did you see what I won for Yasur? I won a man! And not just any man. A man who knows where the sugar is! I led the others in song, another showcase of my talents, as that helpful Da set sail from Yasur Beach. I could tell he was just as impressed with us as we were with him. And with all that sugar coursing through our veins, there was no way we were going to lose immunity to the men. Nothing can stop me now. Pass the cane, sister.
Oh dear, with all the fussin' & fuedin' going on at Yasur, I thought we'd never be at one with our tribe and the land and the culture. Thank goodness for our sharp minds because winning that memory/reward challenge gave us that shot in the arm that we really needed! Winning Da for the day was wonderful. He was so gracious and helpful and just so delightful that even Eliza managed to keep quiet for a few hours. That alone was worth the reward. Twila was just thrilled to meet someone that worked as hard as she did. It was just so nice to have the camp that harmonious that we even managed to pull off the immunity challenge, even under Eliza barking the orders. I'll be, it sure it nice to have the tribe getting along!
I tell you what, after feudin' with Mia last week and gettin' a few votes at tribal council, I was feelin' some heat. Looks like this ol' chicken done stuck her neck out a little too far. So I've yanked it back in for a bit. I'm layin' low, see. Tryin' not to call attention to m'self. In the meantime, I was purely tickled to have that nice native feller come over and show us how to find food. He dug up roots and whacked us down some sugarcane and I don't know what-all. This island's like the dadgum produce section in the A&P. Now, I aint' a bit scared of eatin' a root, or a crab. We'll see how them prissy young'uns take to it, though. I kept a close eye on what he was doin', because he was makin' a lot of use of my machete. Well, it ain't MY machete, exactly. But I'm the only one knows how to sharpen it. Yessiree, I expect these women will find me mighty handy in the comin' days. If I can just keep my mouth shut and keep whackin' down sugarcane, I reckon I'll be sittin' on this beach a long time.
I am starting to worry a little bit about Bubba and a lot about the tribe. I think Bubba just misses his family back home, or the thrill of catching evildoers at WalMart. Yeah, it is probably catching the evildoers that he misses. He gets to tackle them, mace them, and who knows what else goes on. Losing that adrenaline rush can really bring you down. He’s got it made in outside world. I get a bad kid in my classroom, and I can’t even look at him wrong or I will get sued. That’s why I am taking the Stone with me when I leave. Anything stressful happens, and I will merely rely on the Stone to save me. We should have respected the Stone a little more this week. The immunity challenge was a devastating defeat. This tribe though has a lot of problems that even new shoes would not solve. Why we would let Rory lead anything but a nature walk is a complete mystery to me. Oh well. I am still here, the Stone is still here, and so far everyone likes me. Thanks Rocky!
If I've said it once, i've said it a thousand times. It's all about the numbers, baby! It shows you how much that Jeff knows about the game when he's talking about playing an individual game this early on is dangerous. Phooey! The five in our alliance have a clear road to the finals. The women are no competition. Sure, they've beaten us the last few challenges, but we needed to get rid of the physical threats in our team so that worked on our favor. It all boils down to looking out for Numero Uno. I just wish Jeff would leave the strategizing to the experts. Jeff why don't you go play with the natives or something.
What is it with this tribe I'm on? What the hell are they thinking? First they get rid of Brook, and then J.P. That left just Brady and me to carry Lopevi forward. The "Fab Five"? Puhleeze. It's more like the "Fat Five". We certainly can't depend on those guys to carry us to victory. It's bad enough that we had to go to Tribal Council yet again, but then the other guys voted out Brady tonight!?!?! I don't know what they are thinking. Wait a minute…yes, I do. They're all jealous. We're smarter than they are, we're more athletic than they are, and we're certainly better looking than they are. What am I gonna do now that my peeps are gone? How am I gonna survive? God, that merge can't come soon enough…
I have come to the conclusion that the unit I have been assigned to is inferior. I am grateful for my time with Brady , but everyone knows members of the FBI or CIA or any of those civilian branches aren’t real combat brothers. He was just a threat to my authority. I know the men wonder about my campaign plan in regards to soldier Rory. I assigned him temporary command in the immunity detail allowing him the critical role of directing the personnel through the manoeuver. He failed his assignment miserably . He is running out of time to improve, as his substandard performance at the immunity showed little or no promise what so ever.. I am mortified that the females keep kicking our butts, and realize I’m going to be laughed out of the drill sargent brotherhood for this. If we had won the reward to even secure our post properly, it would have been better for the men. I'm not the first man to find command in the south Pacific to be a challenging and lonely job.
I got three votes last night at tribal council. So what; I have a big enough alliance that the numbers are still on my side. The only thing that I am worried about at this point is some others guys found the fruit. We played match game at the reward challenge and the reward was a brotha. We lost. Can you believe our luck? The women get a guide around the island for twenty four hours. At least he does not speak English. Maybe that will slow them down a little. I am worried about Travis. All that thinking about the family is really getting him down. He seemed to feel better after we talked. I decided to experiment with the Hawaiian sling. I have no idea what I am doing, but I am willing to try. At the immunity challenge the men chose wisely by putting me up on the stand as the eyes for the group, but then they ignored me, so we lost again. Our team performed poorly and I take that on my shoulders. I just hope that I'm not voted off for it. Whew! Brady got the boot instead. I have a little more time.
Well, ma friends, we's fallen on even harder times here at Lopever. Dark days dun befallen us! The day started off well, as th' tray mail a-looded to th' possibil'ty of a mem'ry puzzle challenge. Man, I'm so freakin' good at those! The reward fer winnin' was th' services of a native feller named Da, who would help us out 'round the camp fer twenty-four hours. I was the first t' say "howdy" and wave, continuin' my streak of trend-settin' leadership, and then...it happened. Th' downwards spiral! Jiff mentioned food. Now, I's from the country, and every meal is a celebration...ya eat with yer family! Now, I's startin' t' miss my boys and my wife, but I also miss food. What should be th' first doggoned item I uncover in the memr'y challenge? A grapefruit. I desp'rately wanted t' win, just so I could eat th' dadgum grapefruit! Bubba's gettin' tarred of plantains...they don't even sell those at Wal-Mart Sup'rcenters. Why? Because they're not fit fer human con-sump-shee-un, that's why! Anyways, the sweet mem'ries of food dun drove me t' distraction. Daydreams of eatin' fried catfish instead of these minners that Brady catches, and instead of tryin' t' uncover wooden pigs, of gettin' some snackies at the Piggly-Wiggly! Sweet rev-er-ree. Needless ta say, we lost, because that big dumb idiot Chris just showed the gals right where the shrimp trap was. From then on, th' whole day was just bickering n' ballyhoo...Rory acted as our eyes during th' 'munity challenge, but none of us had any ears. It was pure kay-oss, and a real kick in th' groin when the gals won that one, too. Th' only upside? Lil' John K. guessed that I was the leader of this show, and I told him it was really Sarge. In reality...heck yeah, it's me! If I can stand all this stoopid'ty and starvation fer a while, Bubba's gonna win this thang! Dayunce, puppets, dayunce!
Well, that really sucked!
How did this happen, and how did I get here? What could I have done differently? Well, I suppose I could have fallen off the greasy pole on day 1 to show that I'm no more athletic than some of the couch potato tribemates that are left. Rotten island icon didn't bring me good luck. I could have gained some weight before I left, replaced my 6-pack abs with more of a keg-like figure, and highlighted my hair with gray streaks. I should have done a better job of trying to cause a rift between Sarge and Rory. I could have lobbied for John to go before me...that would have bought me an extra week at least, and apparently then I would have made it to the merge which definitely would have given me a chance. But it is what it is, and now I'm off to sequester land with the other castoffs.
As for what my future holds? Well, I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
The contributers in alphabetical order: Bill, Bravo, cali, eny, Feifer, hepcat, Ilikai, Lobeck, Lucy, Manny, MissF, Paulie, Shazzer, sher, spegs, Stargazer, Wayner, and Zaius