I'm in trouble. My life on the island is in clear and present danger. According to gathered intelligence, my affiliation with the "younger guys" has been affirmed, and it's only a matter of time until I'm the next victim. This week I tried to infiltrate the enemy camp and convert one of the men into a coalition where I would be safe. Mission failed. Now my only hope is that there's a shake-up involving the split-tails. In that scenario my strength would not be perceived as a negative. However, right now it looks like my goose is cooked. And basically, that's the sum of all (my) fears.
The Stone is still here, I am still here. Itís no coincidence. My plan to continually respect the Stone is working to perfection. Oh sure, it would have been nice to win that immunity challenge, and I came close, but I have to accept the fact that I have a significant handicap in relation to my tribe mates, and it showed itself during that challenge. These darn cheap shoes just kept slipping off the ladder rungs. Why God? Why did this happen to me? Why didn't I remember to buy good shoes? Clearly my only hope of survival is the Stone.
That Jeff sure threw us a curve with that double eviction doozie. We won the IC, no thanks to my subtle leadership. Even though we had to vote out one of our team members, I wasn't worried. My alliance already has a plan laid out on who to vote for. But noooooo! Sarge had a moment of weakness, and he came to me boo-hooing about not liking Rory. Listen here, Brother! I don't like that orange-picking whiny baby, either, but this is not the time to get rid of him. We need to have the numbers first. Think first, Dude! Since I'm really the one in charge of the alliance, I easily convinced Sarge to stand down. We'll take care of Rory soon enough. Our plan went as I expected. JP is ouuuuuuut! The guy was just too strong physically, but I, of course, am stronger mentally. Oh, who am I kidding? I want my mommy.
We finally have a challenge that doesn't involve a frickin' balance beamÖthank God! Naturally, Lopevi won, and we can now have something to eat besides fruit and berries. Winning the fishing gear was great, but me winning that individual immunity challenge was definitely the best part of the day! I mean, I knew I was going to win--there was no balance beam involved, and I didn't have to worry about Bubba thinking I was trying to do the Tennessee Waltz with himóbut I don't think any of the other Lopevis thought I would come out on top. Then, my plan to separate the Yasurs and create friction within their own tribeÖbrilliant! Let my fellow tribemates think I was doing it for them; the truth is that it's all about me, baby! Jeff might think I'm not that bright, but I'm definitely the exception to the ruleóI'm a mechanical bull operator with a brain.
I spent half of my time this week wondering where that paper pusher from Des Moines was. There isn't an ďIĒ in Team people. I don't care if you are off gathering limes.
Thank goodness with my leadership the soldiers are getting really good at obstacle courses. My training is beginning to pay off. We won the reward and even one of the pretty boys won the individual contest. Probst sent him off to the females where he belonged. Too bad he had to come back. Since the remaining pretty boy saw me and office boy in battle of wits earlier, he thought he'd talk me into sending him for Court Marshal. Wrong, I want that little punk to taste a little retribution from me for his insubordination first. I sent the pretty boy home instead. Don't tell the Sarge who the patsy is. I'm the commander here. I wouldn't hesitate to crush any of them like a flea at the end, but now we are the unit to beat.
Iím a grown man and won't have some big dumb guy telling me what I can and cannot do. If I want to wander off and take a walk, while the rest of those lemmings do whatever Sarge barks out for them to do, then Iím going to do it. Besides, I know that Iím contributing just as much as the next guy. While they all waste their time perfectly placing palm fronds on the shelter, Iím doing something important like finding the almighty vitamin C! And when I find stuff like food, Iím going to always always make sure I get mine before I share with the rest of the group. They didn't find it so don't deserve to get first dibs. Itís first come first served, as far as Iím concerned Ė and Iím all about serving myself. I donít care if these losers like me or not. Iím not here to make friends. And Iím going to do my damnedest to stand out and oppose everything that dictator Sarge says, all the while pretending to Jeff that I love them like brothers. Yeah, sure I do. I love them like my long lost white brothers. Plus, in tribal council, you see that only the young guys are voting against me, and theyíre all too stupid to realize that Iím untouchable. Iím in a strong and safe alliance and who would never vote me out. How can they? Iím the only one that knows where the good fruit is.
Well howdy again, ya'll! I's proud t' 'nounce that Lopever is stronger than ever, thanks t' my fine leadership by example. Even Jiff says we's lookin' good, and by gollygeetarnation, we's feelin' good, too! Now, I's watched this game before, and I's seen many very successful players try a strat'gy they call "under th' Raider." (Because, y'see, the Raiders wear big black uny-forms that make good camerflage, and if y' was under one of 'em, nobody would see y'.) I tried bein' under th' Raider this week, n' it served me well. I appeared only a couple o' sweet dogwood minutes, in which I near-successfully roped one o' thems keys in th' challenge. It slipped off at th' last moment, n' JP got credit fir it. Th' one that got away. I also tried t' see if I could find some burried treasure in th' sand as an added bonus in the 'munity challenge, but a-las, thar 'twas none. *sah* Oh well, I's not worried, I's still dictatin' the game's pace, as we voted out ol' JP at tribal council. He was a good feller, and I felt a lil' sorry fir havin' t' do it, but he was just too big of a threat, man! I still consid'r him a fahn, upstandin' cit'zen, however, and I was th' first t' give 'em a hearty far-well wave. Far thee well, John P!
I can't believe it, I only lasted seven days. How could they vote me off instead of Rory? And speaking of that annoying freak, why doesn't his name sound the way it's spelled?
Hopefully all my preparation wasn't in vain. The years of physical training. The extensive education. Charm school. Grappling hook throwing. With any luck, all those years won't have been wasted. I've kept my real reason for wanting to be on Survivor a secret from everyone, but it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise to those who realize how great looking I am; I want to be a movie star. Why else do you think I made that "Dead Man Walking" comment? I was, of course, referring to the 1995 film of that name written and directed by the talented Tim Robbins.
Timmer is going to be so impressed with my screen presence - and the fact that I gave his film a boost in Blockbuster rentals - that he's certain to make me the next Sean Penn. Unless...oh crap! You don't suppose he'll think I'm talking about the 1988 "Dead Man Walking" directed by some nobody director, do you? Oh no: I'm going to be the next Wings Hauser! The horror. Maybe it isn't too late to withdraw my resignation from Home Depot.
Darn that little John boy. Darn him! I was doing so well attracting absolutely no attention! I kept my mouth shut, I hid in the shelter during Twila and Mia's fight, I was virtually invisible during the challenge -- I did everything I could to ensure that when my tribe members looked around for someone to vote off, they wouldn't see me at all. And then John goes and puts the immunity necklace on me! Everyone looked at me! They *saw* me! He might as well have painted a target on my back! Well, that's one strategy ruined. I had to regroup quickly, since obviously now that they've seen me I can't blend into the palm fronds anymore. But I didn't have much time to think, so I foolishly opened my mouth and made things even worse -- I suggested that Twila get her hair french-braided by one of us young girls. What was I thinking? If her hair is braided, it's no longer hiding her trollish face! Oh, everything is just ruined now. Ruined!
Okay, I admit it...I was pretty nervous after last night's Tribal Council vote. I had to act fast to make it straight with my girls, so I explained it to them on the walk home. They just have to understand. I mean, you can't trust someone who goes back and forth between alliances! Lucky for me, Mia and Twila got into huge shouting match in the morning. I let them duke it out while I just slipped quietly behind a palm frond. *snort* Those losers couldn't survive their way out of a paper bag. But then Mia pointed her finger in my face and told me not to switch. She's really starting to get on my nerves when she implies that I'm not trustworthy.
I knew it was critical to convince John K. that I wasn't in an alliance with the old women, and I think I made my case. I don't know why he kept walking away from me, though. He must not be very smart, so it's a good thing I stated the facts several times.
Before Tribal Council, I told the others that Scout is a detriment in the challenges, but they all wanted Twila out, just because bigmouth Mia is sick of her. I knew I had to stick with my alliance to get their trust back, so even though I disagreed with their choice, I played along. I don't even know why I bothered, because one of my alliance members voted for Mia! I'm so furious right now I don't even think I can go through my nightly affirmations for success. *breathing deeply* "Eliza is smart. Eliza is confident. Eliza is beautiful."
Oh yeah...Mia's a whacko. Crazy girl yelled at me when I was actually on her side. Pffft. A rotation system for work, my idea, is clearly brilliant. If she had only stayed calm, I could have kept her. Now I'm missing my best bud, and we're stuck with that caustic Twila. I know one thing for sure: I won't be braiding that woman's hair. Unless I can give her corn rows....or a miniature hair Stone Henge. Then..okay. But no matter, I'm still totally leading my entire tribe because let's face it: I'm the only rational one. Everybody take a deep breath *sniff* come on....*sniiiiif*....oh yeah...*sniiiiifff*...ahhhh. Thaaat's better. Now. The plan: let Eliza sink herself the way she did when cocky John K. came to Yasur town. That's right, chickie, keep onnn talkin' and yappin' and digging yourself a hole. I'll be fine. I can bend and move and shape-shift my way through the ups and downs of this tribe. Just watch. I'm winning this whole thing.
Boo! Scared you, didn't I? Yeah, I've been scaring a lot of people lately. That's what happens when you're trying to stay hidden and you wind up saying something or stepping on someone's foot. But for the most part, my plan to completely disappear is working flawlessly. Here's how I do it. I make sure to wake up before everyone else, and I build up the fire to keep them happy and warm and (most importantly) asleep. I stuff my pockets with food and fill my canteen with water. Then I drag in some palm branches and stuff, lay them right next to Eliza's pile of "to be chopped" fronds, and crawl underneath. And I just spend the whole day there, listening to them yap at each other and complain. I eat my food and drink a small gulp of water every half-hour or so. If we don't have any Challenges, I just stay put until nightfall, then sneak into the shelter after everyone's asleep, and get some sleep myself. On Challenge days, I hop out and compete, then disappear before anyone has a chance to ask who that woman was that threw the grappling hooks out there and scored two keys for us. What do they care, right? As long as she's snaring keys with the hook, she's welcome. At least she's not Scout, who can't do anything right in the Challenges. Just 32 more days of total invisibility, and I've got this baby won!
Itís just a game. Nothing is sacred, right? The eternal bonds of youth and beautyÖwell, you saw how easily Eliza disregarded that at the last tribal council! Apparently thatís an honor code that only applies in the real world. So my choice to side with the leathery-er of the females does not mean that I have turned my back on the ideals that make me who I am. Like the ideal of fair and just exclusivity based on oneís genetic gifts (or oneís ability to afford to have said gifts enhanced by the surgical arts)óthis is not a creed I am abandoning. Iím onlyÖsetting it briefly aside so that I can progress in this game. And please donít suppose that my choice was in any way affected by that pretty little boy putting the primitive jewelry around Amiís neck! Iím sure heís a smart boy, and he wouldnít dream of basing his choice on beauty alone. So if you think that I decided to vote with the industrious hags in order to ensure that I was the last pretty girl on the islandÖwell, okay, the thought did cross my mind. But my vote was about playing the game. Period.
I swear, that Mia has some more mouth on her. Sheís not a motormouth like Eliza, but she sure does have a chip on her shoulder and sheís not afraid to tell anyone about it. Now, Iím all for outspoken, but that girl is disrupting the girl-power harmony we are trying to keep around here. Iím happy she was here this week, though. If she hadnít of gotten into it with Twila, they might have paid more attention to how badly I perform in the challenges. Iím just hoping thereís always a hot potato like Mia to keep me afloat until the group challenges are over. I wasnít sad to see her go though. Iím also pretty happy with how things are looking now. Thank god that Lisa finally realized that big boobs donít automatically make you young and cute and joined our alliance. We should have the young eye candy voted out in no time.
Yee-haw! Them little sorority girls seen what's what and who's who when little miss loudmouth Mia got the boot. The rest of 'em better learn a lesson -- don't be coming at me with your bitchin' when I'm sharpenin' my machete. I will kick your behind all around this here beach. Lordy, I wish I wasn't stuck on a tribe of all women. I can't talk to women. They don't never want to talk about car parts, or Nascar, or layin' asphalt, or how to gut a deer (see, you gotta take it apart right soon after ya shoot it, or the blood from where you shot it will spread out and spoil the meat). No, they just want to giggle about french braids and manny-cures. What the hell was that Ami chick smokin' last night, suggestin' I get one of them girls to braid my hair? Braidin's for sissies. And if I want my nails done, I'll just trim 'em up with that machete. I didn't come here to make friends, and I sure as all damn didn't come here to make friends with idiots. I don't gotta get 'em to braid nothing -- MY alliance is the one winnin'.
I never told anyone this, but my giftÖ the one thing I can do better than anyone elseÖ I can completely roll my eyes around a full 360 degrees. Seriously. I know people can roll their eyes where you canít see anything but the whites. But me Ė mine seriously roll all the way around! In fact, itís somewhat involuntary, now that I think about it. All that eye rolling you see me doing on TV? Yeah, thatís my eyes doing their thing. I think Twyla took it personallyÖ as if I would waste my energy rolling my eyes at her. And Eliza? Sheís a stupid bitch. How could she vote against the alliance?! And Twyla gets my blood boiling! How dare she go to tribal council and tell Jeff that we do nothing to contribute!?! Iíve had enough of her crap, so I told her what a fat old frumpy manlike person she is, with her truck fixing, knife sharpening and shelter building. And I told her that I donít need her in this tribe in order to have food, water and shelter. After losing the challenge and finding out we had to go to TC again, I got the young girls to rally and vote against Twyla. I bullied loudmouth Eliza into promising she wouldnít break the alliance again. And she promised. I knew that the oldies were going to put my head on the chopping block, but hell if I was going down without taking that shemale with me! When the votes were read, I was shocked when it turned out that I had bullied the wrong person. Freakiní Lisa jumped ship and left me out there to drown! It just kills me that I was voted off!! I mean, who in their right mind could prefer Twyla over me!? If itís the last thing I do, Iím going to ruin Twyla. She will have to spend the rest of her days looking over her shoulder, because sheís going down. Mark my words, Twyla! When you least expect it, expect it! You havenít seen the last of me! I dedicate the rest of my life to making sure everyone knows how much I hate you. My last breath will be used to tell the world that Twyla is a bitch! Iím outta here. Screw you all.
Thank you to the following for contributing to the shadows this season: Bill, Bravo, cali, eny, Feifer, hepcat, Ilikai, Lobeck, Lucy, Manny, MissF, Paulie, Shazzer, sher, spegs, Stargazer, Wayner, Wolf and Zaius.