Been having sleepless nights wondering what happened to the zillions of ancient toilets that were ripped out and mysteriously disappeared when the old Dallas Cowboys stadium was torn down? Your agony is over: they’re sent to the Survivor props department, painted bilious colors and strapped to the rear ends of hapless contestants. How do I know this? Deductive reasoning. Where else would CBS get a couple-dozen old privy lids? And I’ll bet they were dirt cheap.
DAY 15: “LOOKS LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD”
Yes, that’s the useless Dan whining to Holly. It rains. The food, what there is of it, is lousy. He’s just about ready, he says “to pack it in.” Holly, no stranger herself to “I wanna-quit-itis,” dispenses what would be tough love, if she didn’t dislike Dan so much, and tells him to man up. To the camera, she’s even more disdainful, “You signed up for something. Suck it up and finish.”
Yve joins Holly gathering firewood and asks why she wasn’t clued in on how the tribe was voting the night before. Holly allows as how it’s because they all thought Yve had an alliance with Tyrone. Yve feebly denies it. Trying to distract Yve’s line of questioning, Holly launches into a description of Dan’s complaints and desire to quit the game.
At LaFlor Jill and Marty are in a self-congratulatory mood. Jill thinks the young ones “are starting to appreciate us.” Marty agrees that they’re in control: “I feel like I just fell into Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Apparently Marty’s local video store has a somewhat limited inventory.
Brenda, meanwhile, has an entirely different take, “Even though we’re all called LaFlor, it’s still younger versus older. No, wait, it’s younger plus Jane.” As to Marty and that Immunity Idol he’s holding, her plan at the first opportunity is to split the vote 3-3 between him and Jill and force him to play it.
THE PRIVY CHALLENGE
The tribes arrive for the day’s challenge. Discovering that Tyrone has been eliminated, Marty exclaims, “Awesome!” It’s the word of the day. Host Probst explains the wonders of the upcoming challenge. The tribes will be playing for reward and immunity––group reward but individual immunity, because each tribe will have to attend tribal council and vote out one of their own. The winning tribe will go first, then as the losers meet, get to listen in while feasting on chicken and beef kebabs. I’m hoping the entrees come pre-kebabbed. Last week’s henicide was dreadful.
Initially, the members of each tribe will compete against one another. With a toilet contraption strapped to their rear ends and wielding a ship’s oar as digging and throwing tool, they’ll race out to an individually marked area, where three rope rings are buried in the sand. They must dig out the rings and toss them over their shoulder into their own porta-potty. The winner of that competition gets individual immunity.
The two tribe winners then face off at ring toss (quasi-rhyme intended, thankyouverymuch). First to hook all three rings on their pegs earns the feast for (and exceptional gratitude from, no doubt) for their teammates.
Espada goes first; Holly wins. For LaFlor, it’s Jill. They compete for the feast; Jill gets the victory for LaFlor. Espada tribespeople very nearly turn green about the gills with envy and dismay.
GRAND MASTER PREVARICATES
Jill’s winning individual immunity has thrown a monkey wrench into Brenda’s plan; she tells Sash that now they’ll have to split the vote between KellyB and Marty. KellyB, Brenda thinks, would be likely to get a sympathy vote if she made it to the jury. The problem with this great scheme, Brenda worries, is Fabio (Jud): “You never know what Fabio’s going to do; he’s clueless.”
And right on cue, cut to: Marty and Fabio, having a tête à tête. Marty flatters Fabio by sharing, “I haven’t told anyone this. I’m a Grand Master in Chess. Ever heard of Guillermo Vilas?” Fabio knows he’s supposed to be impressed, but has no idea why, “Huh?” Well, Marty continues, “he’s an Argentine world chess champion. I beat him twice as a kid.” Fabio is confounded, “Marty, you can just him doing all these numbers in his head.” Yeah, like a one and six zeros.
Except for the Homer Simpson hairdo, Marty can now claim me as a fan. Such a brilliant lie! It’s a perfect Survivor ploy, designed to dazzle and confuse. And it doesn’t involve despicable deception like Johnny Fairplay’s dead grandmother or Russell Hantz’s dog drowning in the floodwaters of Hurricane Katrina.
Marty confesses to the viewers that not only does he not play chess, neither did Guillermo Vilas. Though he was Argentine (nicknamed “The Young Bull of the Pampas”), his victories came on the tennis court, not the chessboard.
“ABOUT TO BE WALKIN’ ON THE NUBS”
At Espada, Holly wants everyone to know how badly she feels that she failed to win them the feast. Privately, she’s realistic: the kids have the numbers and she’s voting with them.
Benry, NaOnka, Alina and Chase debate whether they’d rather send home Dan or Yve. Benry doesn’t want to risk taking Yve to the merge, and thinks “Dan is no threat whatsoever.” NaOnka points out that Dan is useless in challenges and a detriment to the tribe, “Dan’s knees are about to collapse. He’s about to be walkin’ on the nubs.”
Chase is torn, “Yve’s kinda close to me. Benry he might could be swayed by Dan to blindside me.” NaOnka warns him, “Do not follow your heart; follow your gut.”
As for Dan, he could care less, “I got a Range Rover; I got a Ferrari. I don’t need the money; why would I be doin’ this?”
Yve makes what could be her fatal mistake. She tries to argue her value to Alina by asserting out her strong alliances on the other tribe. Alina asks pointedly, “If we get you to the merge and you have strong alliances on the other side, what’s to say you won’t turn on us?’ Yve’s answer not revealed.
“THICK AS PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY”
Back at LaFlor, Brenda is solidifying Jane’s allegiance, assuring her that she’s in no danger of being voted out. Jane is pleased with herself. Referring to Marty and Jill, she crows, “They think I’m still with them.” As for her new friends: “I’m as thick as peanut butter and jelly with the younger tribe.”
Meanwhile, Sash is trying his best to explain to Fabio why they need to vote for Marty and out the Hidden Immunity Idol. Fabio’s still star-struck from his time with Marty, “Marty’s a smart guy; he’s let me in on some of his secrets.” Sash quickly realizes Fabio is somewhere in La-La Land.
By himself, Marty too acknowledges Fabio’s flakiness, “I thought maybe with Fabio we could shake things up, but that’s too dangerous.” He wonders whether he should play his Immunity Idol.
Brenda feels confident in her plans for the evening’s eviction, “If Marty plays the idol, KellyB’s going home. If he doesn’t, he’s going home. Why would you want to keep a pissed-off KellyB who could win the whole thing?”
CHARITY CASE CLOSED
LaFlor gathers around the campfire for the first Tribal Council of the evening. Jeff tries to generate controversy by asking about the disparity between the “old” and the “young.” Sash offers that Marty proved his honesty the first day by revealing that he had the immunity idol. Brenda disagrees; she thinks Marty had other motives, “trying to make it look more noble than it is.” Jeff leads Marty into admitting, “it’d be terrible to go home tonight with an idol in my pocket.”
Brenda clearly feels confident in her power. She decides to goad Marty by averring that the only thing Jane has to worry about is Jill and Marty trying to vote her out. Marty, who is of course guilty of having conspired for that very outcome, tries to bluster away from the accusation, “Me are Jill are two; you guys are five.” Brenda counters, “I’m not campaigning for her to be out; you are.”
Steam is rising from the wheat-field sprouted atop Marty’s head. He mouths to Jill, “Vote for Brenda.”
Jane votes. For Marty. “Don’t ever fluff off a Southern woman.” I’m not exactly sure what that particular abjuration means, but I’m betting it’s not a good thing.
Marty, casting his vote for Brenda is ugly-angry, “You’re the Black Widow, King Cobra (and something else I didn’t catch) all in one. You may not be going home tonight, but the lines are drawn.”
Jeff proceeds to the vote count. There are three for Marty, three for KellyB and two (Marty and Jill) for Brenda. That means a revote to break the tie. To my surprise, the loser in the revote is KellyB by a landslide. I’m only speculating, but there had to have been some strategy ahead of time that in case of a tie, the young tribe members planned to get rid of KellyB.
To say that this decision makes no sense is an understatement. It is a truth universally known (except, apparently to participants of Survivor Nicaragua), that when a player has an Immunity Idol, you want to either blindside its owner or force the idol to be played. The younger tribe members may have shot themselves in the foot by taking out one of their number so early. From what we’ve seen, KellyB has been a really strong competitor in all the physical challenges, and a hard worker around camp. As for the fear of KellyB as a “final” competitor, they could vote her out any time in the future when she didn’t hold an immunity idol. Be careful what you wish for, boys and girls.
NaOnka will no doubt be thrilled to learn that the “Charity Case,” as she has repeatedly called KellyB, can no longer threaten her tranquility and happiness.
YVE EXITS EDEN
As Espada files in for their Tribal Council, LaFlor descends on the buffet table like vultures on a carcass. The jealousy is evident on the faces of the deprived. (Be sure to check out the deleted scene on CBS from this episode. NaOnka, furious that she wasn’t getting to feast, dumped almost all her tribe’s rice into the cooking pot. When questioned about the waste, she snarled that she didn’t intend to be hungry while watching others eat.)
Marty motions support to his minion Dan.
Jeff can’t resist a bit of a taunt to the have-not Espadians, asking Fabio if the food is good. His mouth too full to answer, Fabio grins a “yes.” NaOnka is incensed, “You would have to axe him.”
After the drama from LaFlor’s tribal, this one is rather tame. Jeff asks Dan if there are times when he’s wanted to quit. Dan denies it, but Yve, trying to save herself, attacks, “when you hear him around camp every day complaining about the rain and the cold…” Benry, questioned by Jeff, admits, “Yeah, it’s fair to say that Dan’s a liability at challenges.”
Jeff prods Dan, “Dan, do you feel animosity from Yve?” Dan says he does.
Yve feels like the injured party, “I feel like my head’s on the chopping block all the time.”
Dan doesn’t like her, “Yve, she’s arrogant.”
Yve snaps, “I don’t talk about my Ferraris and my three homes and all my cars.”
Dan is cavalier (and confident): “I do.”
The hour is just about over, so we hurry to vote. NaOnka has apparently made a field trip to the local “Sluts R Us” store; she’s wearing a heretofore-unseen pair of bedazzled Daisy Dukes.
To no one’s surprise, the evictee is Yve. Once again, I ask: WHY??? Dan has done nothing around camp but nap. He’s worse than worthless at challenges. On one subject at least, NaOnka is right; the guy can barely walk. Who knows? Perhaps they’re all hoping Dan will be so grateful he’ll pull an Oprah and give them all cars….
About Espada’s vote, I still have one question: how did they all know how to spell Yve’s name (only one person wrote Eve; the rest correctly had Yve with a Y. Not that I’m trying to stir up concerns about a conspiracy or anything….but think about it.
Next week looks like fun. Waywyrd will be here to report as Jane catches a fish and, like the little red hen, cooks and keeps it for herself. Go Jane!