Welcome to another edition of ďStanding in the ShadowsĒ for Survivor: Cook Islands! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods ďstand in the shadowĒ of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
After the merge today I had quite a discussion with Jonathan about hypothetically bringing him back into our fold. I told him if, hypothetically speaking, I have the idol, heíd be smarter to align back with our hypothetical original tribe, than to hypothetically remain with Raro. Hypothetically, if I can convince Jonathan to flip back to our original team alliance, we could end up hypothetically being the Final Four. Of course having that bond actually last until the end of the game is kind of like seeing a hypothetical pig fly, or a hypothetical elephant climb a tree. But at least for now, he went along with my hypothetical plan, and my sweet little Hidden Immunity Idol (and my little sweet ass) are still alive, baby, and there ainĎt nothing hypothetical about that!
Not to be too dramatic or punny, but wasnít THAT a fine kettle of fish I found myself in? I bust my ass and manage to survive three votes after I rashly followed Candice on her
booty callmutiny figuring the original Raro tribe will stick together to the end and what happens? I end up with a bunch of lazy Gen X or Y or whatever slackers. I mean the numbskulls were sleeping until noon and couldnít even manage to build a fire or fetch water while I was off finding fish to put in the kettle. Cripes, my kids are more mature. Not to mention that we didnít win a single challenge after the mutiny. So I was really relieved when we merged. Well, I was relieved until the kids decided to act like college freshmen and drink and puke and drink and puke ad nauseum. I want that million so bad that I can taste it. But damn. I may have over thought and over played already. At least Iíve lasted. Once Yul showed me the hidden immunity idol, I tried to talk the kidiots into targeting someone else, but they wouldnít even consider that Yul might have it. In the end, I had to make a deal to vote out Nate or go home. Now that Iíve betrayed everyone, Iím not sure how Iím going to get that money. Iíll work on that after I get Jeff to let me hang out on Exile Island again. I wonder if anyone bought my comment about big feet during the immunity challenge. I needed an excuse to drop out. Well, maybe those pictures havenít made the Ďnet.
OK, I donít want to sound conceited but I really am the best player to ever appear on Survivor. The immunity challenge was so simple I didnít even consider NOT winning it. I sat up on that pole like a monkey hanging from a limb on a tree. When it started to rain I did not worry, I actually celebrated, that meant my hair would get even fluffier. See the secret to my Survivor success is keeping my hair as large as possible to distract the other players. While they were all worrying about staying at the top of the log, I was catching birds in my hair and having a lovely snack. This game is almost too easy for me. I am ready for anything. I am the best swimmer, runner, climber, fisher, and breather. I hope the next challenge is to walk on water because I know I could ace that as well. If I donít win this show I will shave my head in shameÖor not.
That dirty dog Adam must have been crazy if he thought I wanted to make out with him in the shelter like that. I mean, who wants to kiss a guy that's been barfing over the side of a boat all afternoon? Ew. Though it might have been worth it just to make Candice jealous. She thinks she's all that because she stayed on that pole longer than I did. So what? Hey, if there's one thing I know about, it's hanging on poles. *giggle* Speaking of, now that my snuggle buddy Nate is gone, I need to find someone else to keep warm with - and that Yul guy is looking pretty good. He's like, all smart and stuff. Did you hear him during the challenge, talking about mass, or math, or whatever that was? Something about elephants, too. I didn't even know we had elephants on the island! I bet he went to one of those big genius schools, like Hale, or Yarvard. I'm thinking this merge thing might not be so bad after all...
Jonathan called us traitors? Heís the traitor, I merely rejoined my friends. *yawn* Who donít like him so much, by the way. Freak. I told him that Parvati and I wanted Yul out of the game and he said Yul may have the idol. I donít have it, and I know Adam doesnít have it. I also know what color underwear Adam is wearing. Mmmm, AdamÖ *shakes head* I guess Freakathon doesnít have it either, so that just leaves Yul. Could he have the idol? I donít have a clue either way, but so what? *giggle* Parvi and I want him out of here next anyway. Heís too smart, and so focused on playing the game, probably because he and Becky arenít in love like Adam and I. Heís a freak, too. Anyway, I donít have time to worry about stuff like that right now. I saw the way Parvati cuddled up to Adam when we got back from the merge feast. She is such a Whore! I called her on it at tribal council and she said Adam didnít cuddle with her. Damn right, bitch. Iím gonna have his babies, so youíd best back off right now. Go do something useful, like flirt with Yul and make him forget he has the immunity idol. If he has it.
Dayummm. I am trippin something serious. I was loyal to the tribe. I worked my ass off. I pulled my weight (and even more) during competitions. And dammit, I look good. That sleezy scum ball Jonathan left his comfortable tribe because he knew he was a gonner and we kept him around. This is the payback that we get? Oh, and letís not even get started about Pavarti and Yul. Heís the new flavor of the week and once she knew I was outta here she moved right in. Thereís gonna be a menage a trios going on in the hut. Becky better get used to playing second fiddle. Pavarti is sleeping her way to the final two.
Me Adam. Oog Oog Uh! Adam have Big Fun. Make Grey Beard Man work. Is funny! Then Aitu come Raro beach. Me no like! Primal oogh. Nate say - Aitu Raro One Love. Say we Aitutonga. Adam head hurt. It bananas! All go Magic Boat. Hear many drum. Many girl dance. Adam drink drink. Adam King of Island! Adam lie down. Pobartee like Adam tent. Lay by Adam. Touch Adam chest. (This make baby.) Aah aah ahh! Make bird baby like tattoo Adam back. Adam make Grey Beard dig holes in sand. Pobartee lay egg in. Adam see. Candice Adam go water. This make fish baby. Adam puke water. Feed fish. Turtle, bird, fish - all Island have Adam baby soon. Ooh ooh ah.
Adam sad. Jeff make Adam touch long big pole. Adam no like! Adam drop sand, quick quick. Monkey boy Ozzy stay on pole long time, win necklace. Monkey boy bananas! Jeff smile big. Ooogh! Grey beard Talk Talk Man say Adam Candice - Yul have idol. Adam Candice Pobartee laugh laugh. Adam King. Adam is idol. Yul no have Adam! Grey man stupid! Nate say "Yul think too much. Think about game". Adam no like think. Is bananas. Like song! B-A... B-A-N...N...? Game crazy. Like bananas! B-A-A...Ooog oogh ugh?? No!! Nate go home? Why go? No like Adam bananas?
WowÖ merge time already. I am so not ready to let new members into our happy Aitu family, and Iím especially not ready to let those backstabbers Jonathan and Candice back into the fold. Iím not pleased to be with Nate again, because that didnít work out so well last time. I just hope he remembers what kind of power I have in this game and doesnít dare to cross me. I was looking forward to being on the same tribe as my girl Rebecca again, but those Raro jokers sent her packing at the last Tribal Council. I canít believe that Yul has the hidden immunity idol, and that I let him talk me into another alliance with Jonathan. I donít feel like I can trust that smarmy bastard, but Iím willing to keep him around just so that we can vote the rest of those Raros off one by one. Iím especially looking forward to sending Candice off the island, and out of Adamís bed. Finally, I hope everyone noticed how long I stayed on the pole during the Immunity Challenge- I knew my Carmen Electra Aerobic Striptease DVD would help prepare me for a challenge exactly like this one!
The inevitable has finally happened: someone called out Yul and I for our obvious devotion to each other. As much as I love the fact that our adoration is obvious to outsiders, I am so embarassed that someone might think we are cavorting around like Benedict Candice and that Caveman of hers. I DO NOT lay about in Yul's lap... at least not yet. And when I finally get around to that kind of display, it will NOT be in front of TV cameras. One thing is for certain: I have Pavarti's number. She thinks she is going to steal Yul away from me with that comment about smart is sexy?! She might have the sex appeal, but I actually understood every word of Yul's response. She probably just heard a series of wahs and bleeps while looking at his big feet. Guess who's next on my hit list?
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Dinahann, mrdobolina, Brandy, Mariner, Yardgnome, AJane, waywyrd, Lucy, SueEllenMishke, speedbump, suncat7, roseskid and totoro.