Last week on Survivor: the 16 contestants were divided into 4 tribes based on gender and age, Misty was sent off to Exile Island, and Tina got the dishonor of being the first person voted off this season.
It's Raining, It's Pouring, Shane Won't Quit Bitching
We open to a torrential downpour at the campsites. The older men are getting soaked, as their shelter is leaking. Shane almost gets struck by lightning as he complains that Panama breeds bad luck. Too bad he didn't complain a little more, I really wouldn't mind seeing him get cooked right then and there. They probably wouldn't show it, due to FCC regulations, but that would be one extra-crispy asshat, hold the mayo.
The younger men seem slightly shocked that they are getting wet. Ah, the arrogance of youth. The next morning, the older women (what's left of them) are having trouble lighting a fire. Well, you all got rid of the most useful person in your tribe, you are getting what you deserve.
Over at the younger women's camp, Sally and Courtney knock a piece of fruit out of a very tall tree. I read somewhere about the staggering number of deaths that occur from objects falling from trees, but unfortunately Courtney is still with us. I'm not sure what it says about this season if I'm already wishing death (or at least a decent maiming) upon some of the castaways only two shows in. I mean, It's got to be the show and not my own demented mind, right? right?
I have no idea what kind of fruit that is they have...a papaya maybe? They cut it open and start eating, making sounds you normally only hear on late-night Cinemax. While they're carrying on, I notice some creeping-crud rash all over Misty's arms. It's really freaky looking. If the NEXT exiled person comes back with it, I will call it "exile excema".
Older man Shane is whining around the camp about missing his child, and how he has no idea why he's even doing this as he makes more than enough money. Normally I don't mind if a guy has a tattoo or two, but shirtless Shane is covered in them, at weird angles just haphazardly slapped on him. One of them is "Boston" over one of his nipples. I've seen guys have names of cities tattooed on them before, like "Boston" or "Chicago", but I wonder why you never see guys with say, "Poughkeepsie" or "Butte" tattoos. Well, at any rate, I like to think that maybe, just maybe, Shane's tattoos are warning labels. Like one might say "don't allow this person to have more than two beers" or "this person is highly defective, back away slowly." I've always thought that guys should come with warning labels, although I'd really like to know these warnings before I get their shirts off. *but I'm getting a little too personal right there, aren't I?*
But why didn't they use real snakes?
The tribes all meet for the reward challenge, and Jeff has them all step on discs, men on light discs, women on dark discs. They all turn them over, and they're a buff under one disc on each side. Terry gets the one for the men, Danielle gets the one for the women. It's a merge, people! It's going to be a schoolyard pick, just like back in dodgeball. A woman has to pick a man, and vice versa. Danielle's new tribe is called Casaya, with purple buffs, and Terry's is La Mina, with orange buffs. Danielle picks first, saying she wants "the cool guy with the Boston tattoo". She has no idea what she's in for, but Shane is thrilled to be called the "cool guy". Terry picks Sally. Shane picks Courtney. Sally picks Austin. Courtney picks Aras. Austin picks Misty. Aras picks Cerie. Misty picks Nick. Cerie picks Bobby. Nick picks Ruth Marie. Bobby picks Melinda, as she's the only woman left.
Now it's down to Dan and Bruce, and it's Ruth Marie's choice. She picks Dan, and poor Bruce is the one no one wants. But, as the odd man out, Bruce gets automatic immunity for the next tribal council. He has to spend the next 3 days on Exile Island, but when he returns, he'll sit in on tribal council, and replace whoever gets voted out. He goes to get on the boat to take him over to Exile Island, but at least he'll get a flint.
*The tribes are now*:
Casaya: Danielle, Shane, Courtney, Aras, Cerie, Bobby, Melinda
La Mina: Terry, Sally, Austin, Misty, Nick, Ruth Marie, Dan
Finally it's time for the reward challenge, and it's a race through an obstacle course. They have to collect 6 wooden snakes along the way, and one tribe member is responsible for carrying all 6 snakes throughout the course. At the first station they'll collect 2 snakes, then they'll crawl under a fence and over a wall. From there it's crawling under some bamboo, and collecting two more snakes, then across a wooden ladder bridge, and if you fall off, you have to start the bridge over. Finally, it's under some bamboo where you're in water, and then into a pit of leaves where you'll find two more snakes. The first tribe that crosses the finish line with all 6 snakes wins reward, which is fishing gear, and a raft with 4 paddles.
When Jeff tells them to go, it's a mad scramble. They're both pretty much tied after they get the first snakes down, and I notice on the La Mina side, Nick cracks Austin in the back of the head with one of the snakes. I've heard of being pistol whipped, but never snake-whipped. Nick's going to be their snake-wrangler, and on Casaya, Courtney is handling the snakes. By the time they're to the second set of snakes, they're still pretty even. At the ladder bridge, Shane falls over and has to start over, putting Casaya a bit behind. As Casaya rushes to catch up, Cerie's huge chest lands on Bobby's head, almost drowning him. I'm sure after this experience, he'll be cancelling his subscription to "Big Busty Mamas." The teams even up again at the leaves, but La Mina finds the last two snakes first, and wins reward.
Casaya is to go back to what was the older women's camp, while La Mina takes over what was the older men's camp.
Shane is thrilled to be with younger people and wastes no time in telling his new tribemates that he's not an older guy, he's "34 going on 12!" If the 12 year old in question has a 3 pack a day smoking habit and looks like an extra from that old HBO prison show "OZ", that is. In confessional, Shane says when he was with the older men's tribe every second he thought about when he was going to be leaving, but in the 5 seconds he's been in Casaya, he hasn't thought about leaving.
The thing about Casaya is...Courtney won't shut up, and Bobby never talks, except to talk to Courtney, who tells him that she's "gangsta Hollywood." I have nothing else to say about that, since I think Courtney is a waste of space.
Shane quickly takes an opportunity to make an alliance with Courtney, Danielle and Aras, which leave Bobby, Cerie and Melinda out in the cold. He THEN does the whole "I swear to you on my son's life that it's us four." Gee, that's a new one on Survivor. He then threatens to hunt down and kill anyone who screws with him. (that's probably one of his warning tattoos...."homicidal stalker")
At La Mina, Terry and Dan are trying to make an alliance with Nick and Austin. Nick thinks it makes sense in the short term. Then Sally approaches Austin, wanting an alliance with him, Nick and Misty. Looks like Austin and Nick are going to play both sides early on, but why doesn't anyone want Danielle? If I was going to leave somebody out, I'd leave out Misty, as that creepy rash looks contagious.
"Mind if we call you Bruce to keep it clear?"
On Exile Island, Bruce is not yet showing any sign of "exile excema", so I may have to drop that line of thinking. He has untied a parchment with clues to the immunity idol. They are as follows "you also have a lot of time to think about 'why' fate chose you to be the first one out here" and "it is up above the tide line." There's also a map with a section marked where the idol is NOT. He then breaks the flint trying to start the fire, and practices his karate.
Sally and Nick decide to take the raft out to catch some fish. Sally promptly loses the spear, on the very first shot. When they get back to the shore, and tell everyone else, they act like it's no big deal. I have a feeling that if Sally didn't prance around in kneesocks and bikini bottoms trying to pull off some naughty schoolgirl look, they'd verbalize their disappointment a lot more.
Pin the Head on the Zombie
Immunity challenge time, and Jeff asks Misty how La Mina is doing. She puts a positive spin on things. He asks the same question of Casaya, and Shane babbles on about how they're in a dire situation, and wrecked physically. Everyone looks at him like they want to drown him.
Each tribe has a zombie head and a boat, which is anchored to the ocean floor by a large wooden box. Each boat has 6 holes filled with rubber plugs. Five tribe members have to pull out the plugs and start bailing out water, while the other two tribe members are to start pulling the boat forward by pulling the anchor. When they get to shore, they're to clip their boat to the hitching post, and move the anchor to their finish mat. They're to then put their zombie head on the zombie body, and first tribe to do so wins immunity.
Casaya is off to a bad start, going backwards at one point. La Mina works together well, moving ahead some. Jeff points out that when Shane makes an attempt at the anchor, he makes zero progress. Snarky Jeff then says that La Mina is leading, but "only because Casaya is absolutely inept." Way to instill confidence there, Jeff! The insult works a bit, and Casays closes the gap a bit. La Mina hits the beach first, and puts the head on their zombie, winning immunity.
A Quitter Never Wins, But They Always Whine
Over on Casaya's beach, Shane is whining about losing. He's beat, he's wiped out, he wants coffee, he wants to call his son, his wants a cigarette. He says this show was the stupidest thing he ever did in his whole life. I know I'm making a snap judgement here, but he looks like he's done plenty of stupider things in his life. I will say that his devotion to his child is nice, though.
Shane saunters down near the water, and tells Danielle and Courtney to vote him out. They start to tell him not to be that way, to stay instead. This is a game of competition, if one of your competitors wants to quit, it ups your chances, so why don't they tell him, "okay, fine, will do! I'll be happy to vote you out!" But nooooo, they give him exactly what he wants, a little ego boost, "oh no, crazy-ass Shane, don't quit, we want your whining pathetic carcass around here!" Melinda and Aras join the group, then Melinda scurries off to tell Bobby and Cerie the happenings. Cerie has the right idea, "let him quit!!" What I want to know is.....how does Shane wanting to quit affect his swearing on his son's life? None of his alliance brings that up.
Aras talks Shane into staying, although I think this was all just a ploy for attention on Shane's part. They go back to the rest of the tribe, and inform them that Shane wants to stay. Aras, who apparently is a fan of brutal honesty, then tells Cerie and Melinda that he's voting for one of them. Shane, endearing himself to all, then follows with "I don't care which one of you goes, because which one of you doesn't go now, is going next." This is the jackass that wanted to quit 5 seconds ago. Courtney is annoyed that Aras and Shane pointed out their alliance. Later, in another confessional, Shane says there's still a part of him that wants to get voted out tonight.
A Big Surprise, Only Not Really
Tribal council, and there's Bruce, none the worse for wear. Jeff questions what Shane said at the immunity challenge, about them being miserable. Shane then goes into a huge speech about not having cigarettes, how he almost quit, and calls it a "psychotic, bad idea detox." Cerie brings up how she was told about the alliance, and Melinda says how much it bothers her that anyone even had the thought to quit. They vote, and Jeff reads them off: Shane, Shane, Melinda, Melinda, Melinda, Melinda - no need to read the last vote. Melinda is the 2nd person voted off of Exile Island.
Next time on Survivor...Misty massages Nick, Shane body slams Dan, there's some girl wrestling, and Shane acts like a raving lunatic again. I can hardly wait.
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