Welcome to the 10th edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Guatemala: The Maya Empire! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . .
I sure wish I could have disappeared into that mud just as well as I have been blending into the background lately. Man, a fish monger is made for the water, not the muck. I should apologize…I’ll tell the boys how sorry I am that we all missed out on a bath, and a bed, and pancakes with syrup and coffee in the morning and oooooohhhhhhh a helicopter ride too!! All because I lost their lead for them not once, but twice! See? It just doesn’t matter…I’m the weakling that everyone can beat when it gets down to 3 or 4 tribemembers left. They’re not going to vote me out…hell, I’ll probably be the deciding vote tonight. Rafe and Steph will only blindside Jamie if I say yes. Yeah, you heard it here first last week…I’m the GodMonger here. I’m that deciding vote that ensures the vote goes to whosever side treats me the nicest. I have arrived.
You know, I love having hedgehog hair. According to Cindy, I have the wild type coloration. OMG, speaking of pie, last time, at tribal council, my immunity idol was poking out of my pocket and Cindy looked over and asked me where I found it. I just played it off of course....no, no...that's my penis, he's a landscaper...Penile Hawkins. Anyways, it appears that I dodged another bullet this week thanks to Jamie going all crazy. I think the night terrors finally got to him. Next week, I just need to convince Stephenie to let me stay again. Ugh, why does she hold all the power? Screw you Steph! Screw you and your wavy hat!
What the hell is going on, man? I thought we had us a tight little alliance! I thought we were peeps. And then we get to tribal council, and everything changes! No one told me Jamie was out! They've voted against my back! What the hell, man? It's MY jungle! This ain't cool. It's Gary's fault, isn't it? He must have got to everyone with those Jedi mind-tricks of his! Well, Gary, this is one doorman you're not fooling. I'm on to you, man. Just because we won reward together, and we showered together and we slept sort of near each other, and I saw your family, that doesn't mean nothing, man. I know you and your sneaky mind-reading ways. You might have got to Stephenie, but you're not getting to me, man. I'm going to regroup, I'm going to tell my alliance about your tricks, and you WILL be gone. And you know what else? You look funny in the shower, man. So there.
After Jeff showed all those votes that said Jamie at tribal council, I felt like the Chiefs had just pulled off a road victory at Denver to keep their playoff hopes alive. I took my cues from Gary and tried to remain outwardly calm. It was all I could do not to clench my fists and scrunch up my face in celebration. Inside I was doing a happy dance. Maybe the two of us can keep moving up in the standings after all. I won’t ever make the mistake of giving up before the final gun goes off at the end of the game again. And here I thought things couldn’t get any better after Steph and I hauled ass to key our team’s victory in the reward challenge. Just getting away from camp was awesome. Getting to ride in a helicopter and stuff my face with real food was even better. I can hardly tell you how good that coffee smelled the next morning even if it was Folgers. Hell, anything that didn’t smell like a howler monkey’s wet butt was an improvement over life at camp. Steph and I took a shower together and had such a good time bonding that even the sight of Judd buck naked couldn’t spoil our mood. I am such a sap. The second I saw my boys on videotape I started blubbering. Of course, I also blubbered when I looked in the mirror and realized just how skinny I’ve gotten. I hope my dogs don’t think I’m a chew toy when I get home.
Mmmm…I feel as clean as the summer breeze. You can’t even tell me that my mud bogging team wasn’t stacked. Works for me. Having that incredible night’s sleep did wonders for my taught and supple body. The way my bronzed skin contrasted to the Egyptian cotton. My god, I was in heaven. I wasn’t surprised that Gary asked Judd and I if we were comfortable with the alliance we have now. I’m not, but I didn’t want to get all giddy at the prospect of the four of us who won reward becoming an alliance. I have to keep up some sort of façade. But yeah, Gary does have a point. Only the strongest deserve to win. I would be one pissed mofo if Lydia made it all the way to the final. Oh sure she’s all cute and innocent but c’mon I’m not losing to her. I bet Judd is going to be a little shocked when he learns that I voted for Jamie. He’s just another pawn in the game. And besides, how many season’s of Survivor is it going to take that those types of personalities don’t win? He reminds me of the last twenty or thirty boyfriends I had- gorgeous eyes but nothing behind them. I’m sure he’s great in the sack but when I win a million buckaroos, I’ll be able to buy all the boy toys I want.
Ah, it's hard to let the pretty ones go, isn't it? I'll admit, I was flattered when Jamie suggested a threesome. I didn't mind being tied to the guy, and a sleepover may have had its charm- but when he started talking murder, I was like, "oh no, he di-in't!" I'm not into that kinky stuff. I know I promised him I wasn't voting for him, but what-ever, the guy had to go. I think he might have been a little kooky-la-la, if you know what I mean. Plus, I've had it up to here with Mancala. What's that around my neck, you ask? Why, the immunity necklace, of course. I'm thinking about making it part of my permanent wardrobe. I know, I look great in it - it really plays up my eyes.
*singing* "The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup..." Can I just say one thing? Ohmigodiwassoexcitedtogetsomec offeeee!!!! I mean, the reason I've hardlysaidanythingsincewe'vebe enhere is because I was so deprivedofcaffeine!!! Not anymore, babeee! I was so close to the finish line I could taste it! Aaaaaaagggghhhhhh!!!! Did you see me navigiating that obstacle course? Monkey power!! Next time, immunity will be mine. Oh, it will be mine. Whoaaa----! Did you see Bobby Jon? Hubba, hubba! He cleans up good! Whoooeeeee! I'm glad I let my hair down for Tribal Council. Who knows, maybe getting voted out and being sent to Loser Lodge wouldn't be that bad after all...
I'm not worried. Jambali told me not to. And I believe him, man, I really do. At first I was a little weirded out when he jumped out of the tree and told me he was my Mayan Spirit Guide. But after he showed me my past life as a blood warrior, I'm convinced. He lives inside the little mancala corn pieces, and I talk to him at least once every day. So far, Rafe hasn't seen him yet...but he will. Rafe doesn't know it yet, but he was a busty bar maiden in his former life and I was the sea captain of her heart. I know he feels it deep down inside. Just give him time. He proved his integrity earlier when I asked to swear like a man, and he said he couldn't. Jambali told me that the next luxury challenge will be for a padded white room to sleep in, with a firehose shower. I'm in it to win it, baby. Maybe I'll take Rafe with me, ya know, throw him a bone.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Burntcrow, Lucy, Mariner, mrdobolina, oneTVslave, Speedbump, and Totoro.