Standing In the Shadows, Mayan-Style, Episode 6
Welcome to the sixth edition of ďStanding in the ShadowsĒ for Guatemala: The Maya Empire! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods ďstand in the shadowĒ of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
I know,I know...I changed my mind and voted for Blake. I have a few regrets, but Iíll be sure to rationalize why I voted him out to Brandon. You know Iím still sore about Jamieís inability to not be a good winner. That Southern drawl of mine means Iím hot blooded and emotional when I compete. Well alright! Just what I wanted, a face-off with Jamie. Iíll show him how to be a good winner. Crap! We lost! And he just crossed the line and yelled some more. Well, Iíll just show him who has the louder yell and get in his face. Donít worry, weíre just two southern boys with boiling blood. We might yell and scream, but our bark is worse than our bite. Even though both tribes are going to tribal tonight, I know Iím safe. Iím going to stick with the strong performers, and hope we can scratch out some immunities in the next few days.
Wow, were my eyes opened at tribal council! Bobby Jon and Danni both went Judas on the original Nakum and especially Blake. I gotta make sure and get together with the other stronger members of my tribe and form some sort of alliance. Bobby Jon tried to tell me why he voted for Blake, but I donít think he even knows why he did it. I got nothiní but hems and haws from him. Heís not too eloquent, that one. Whoa! That ball is bigger than a tractor! I donít have a lot of heft like Judd does, but Iíll still throw my body into it. Since both tribes are going to tribal tonight, it doesnít really matter that I didnít lead us to victory once again. Well, here we go again. Hopefully Bobby Jon will realize this time that he needs to vote out the weak and stick with the strong. Thatíll get us down to individual immunities, and then we can pick off the left overs.
Jeez, everyone tweaks their ankle now and then, but had Probst called me Injured Amy one more time, I was ready to push him under that damn ball. Well, two can play that game. Iíve got a nickname for you, Jeff. How do you like Prissy Boy Probst, huh? Back at the precinct Iíve worked hawd for my badass reputation, and Iíve been called Annihilator Amy for many years. But now thanks to Prissy Boy Probst, Iím gonna be known forevah as Injured Amy. The boys at the station are nevah gonna let me live this one down. Prissy Boy needs to lay off me, cause ya know, itís dangerous here. Iím not threatening him or anything, but he could get eaten by a croc, or swallowed by an anaconda. What? Iím just sayiní. So if ya know whatís good for you Prissy Boy, youíll #*!@% lay off me, ya heah?
What, do you people think Iím the Nakum tribe mascot? No, seriously. You let me carry the immunity trophy when we win, and you always call out my name immediately when someone has to sit out the tough challenges. I guess you think I should stand around in the background, make sympathetic faces and look all maternal and concerned. Yeah, Iíll play Mama this week, babies. But donít forget Ė the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world. You hear that, Judd? Aw hell no, you donít listen to anyone but yourself, spouting off your silly Iím a sportsman babble. Who you gonna pick on now that Margaretís gone? Better not be me! Dirty beer thief!
How much does Danni weigh? What, 60 or 70 pounds? Yeesh. Yet here I sit dejected once again after the giganta-medicine ball game. Meanwhile, Danni continues to look all perky and hot with her amazing abs and her secret stash of speed she takes before challenges. I hate that bitch. Sheís perfect for Bobby Jon. Theyíre both way too lucky. I am happy, however, that Iím laying slightly under the radar for the next few days. Judd has put the big red, shiny bullís-eye on his hairy back, chest and five oíclock shadowed face. I agree that it was time for Margaret to leave but I think he feels he can bully us around as well. Silly little boy has no clue on how to play the game. Doesnít he know that rocking the boat this early spells doom? *sigh* It isnít easy being the greatest player to ever play the game. ButÖsomebody has to.
Now that weíve been out here 15 days, Iím starting to look a bit like a praying mantis. Iím all wire thin arms and legs. Heck, I may be the first person in recorded history with a negative body fat percentage. People may think Iím this way because I survive on two carrot sticks a day in real life. That couldnít be farther from the truth. I have a great metabolism and a hollow leg. In fact, back home everyone keeps trying to get me to enter one of those eatiní contests. When I saw those burgers and hot dogs that were part of the reward I couldnít talk because I was so excited. All I could do was clasp and unclasp my hands and then give a little golf clap while drooling. Amy and I did our part but the men couldnít come through. Iím a team player though so when Bobby Jon tried to compliment me I told him that we all gave everything and Nakum was just bigger. It was hard to resist pointing out that I weigh the least out of all the remaining Survivors, but I still managed along with Amy to pull off two victories. I hated to have to vote anyone out; especially someone as smart and classy as Brian. Sometimes you got to do what you got to do though. We need to break this losing streak. Iím thinking of turning my Chiefsí hat into a rally cap before the next challenge.
Look at me! *walks six yards, stops, pivots, winks over shoulder, walks back to original spot* Isn't this immunity necklace great? I admit, I love to accessorize, and am thrilled to be sporting this the first time, even if it IS a bit clunky. No Jeff! NOOO don't take it yet! Okay, fine. Well, at least I had that first honor. Wasn't I amazing getting that answer so quickly? It was just like a divine voice was telling me the answer, the way it popped into my head. I didn't think that divine voices were usually accompanied by such pungent odors, so that was a revelation. I'm not just a wilderness guide, I'm a wilderness wonder. Plus, I really know how to rock that immunity necklace.
GrrrrrrrrrRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWW WWRRRRRRRR! Huh? Huh? Wanna piece of me, Bobby Jon? Didn't think so. Huh. Yeah, so I can get a bit riled up sometimes, but that don't mean I'm gonna throw any punches or nothing. I mean, you can take the boy outta the South, but you can't take the South outta the boy. When Bobby Jon got in my face, it made me think of growing up with my twin brother Ramie. Man, we used to yell at each other like that for hours! One time, Ramie must've ran out of breath 'cause he passed out cold. So then I stuffed him in the old chiffarobe stored in the barn and when he woke up, he thought he had died and been buried. What a hoot! When he finally got out, we just started up yellin' all over again. Good times. Speaking of good times, dude, how awesome was the BBQ and beer reward? Judd is so frikkin cool- he's like the big brother I never had. I think we might be bros forever.
I'm writing to you from Central Park - I arrived in the States this morning and it is ever so nice to be home again. The first thing I did was take a shower, and then I went to the nearest steakhouse and had a medium rare Porterhouse and a mashed potato with the works...and beer. Lots of beer. Oh, it was so delicious...it just melted in my mouth. Then I walked over to Park and 57th; you know the area, right? It's where you work as a doorman. Well, you'll never guess who I met! Your boss, Tony. He is such a charmer, honestly, I can barely keep my hands off him! Well, I haven't really tried that hard. *giggle* I told him how you were so mean to me back in the jungle, and he promised to defend my honor...something about taking a contract out? I don't know, I was too busy eating a slice from John's Pizzeria on West 44th. And drinking beer. Like I said, I'm writing to you from Central Park, and it is so beautiful this time of year. The air is crisp and cool, and there are absolutely no mosquitos. Anyways, send my love to Cindy. I've enclosed some monkey nip for her - she can use it to lure the howlers closer to the camp- that way you guys won't be lonely now that I'm gone.
Uh-oh. Now that Margaret is gone, I'm the last original Nakum member on my tribe. Aside from <s>Benedict Arnold</s> Judd, that is. I really hated to vote out ol' Maggie, but I didn't want to be the odd man out, and it sure seems like the rest of these morons think Judd is just hunky-dory. It must be his charming demeanor and gentlemanly ways. Yeah, right. Good God, Rafe practically had stars in his eyes after Judd helped him win immunity.Hellooooo, Rafe, don't get too excited, buddy - Judd isn't sweet on ya, he just didn't want Margaret to have a chance to escape getting voted out. I just hope the howler monkeys come through for me and "dispose" of Judd like they promised. I'll do anything to help them. I even managed to sneak off into the jungle with one of the beers we won to offer it as a show of my simian devotion.
Am I the King or what? I dominated the reward challenge and won some damn wieners for the entire damn tribe. Trampling over a fallen Amy and kicking her swollen ankled ass to the damn floor was a piece of damned tasty cake. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some damn delicious elongated wieners, but beer? Screw Oscar damned Mayer wiener, I need my beer. Cindy and the rest of those damn people that hold my million dollar fate in their hands need to shut up. I won them those sausages, and I can take all the damn extra beer I want. Mhmmm Beer....delicious yeasty fermented hoppy goodness in a bottle. Even better if stolen from a fellow tribe mate! Buahaha!....ha! Margadamn can kiss my ass too. You readers can all kiss my damn ass. If it weren't for me...oh look, a hummingbird!
OMG, that did not just happen. Another possible winner and master strategist downed by a lame tribe switch. I swear, the people left on the show seem to be content with just making the jury. They are all just a bunch of morons just like Blake. Bobby Jon and Jamie parade around like a bunch of prehistoric cave dwellers. I think we all saw a glimpse of our ancestors during their embarrassing spat at the challenge today. (Beat that Discovery Channel) Then you've got Judd...well, his name says it all. I'm allright though, I am. They have mosquitoes and Juddhead in their futures, while I can go home and play with my little pony. No one can take my little pony. NO ONE! *brushes pink pony hair with tiny pony brush.*
I am beginning to doubt my decision to lie about my job. I mean come on, landscaper? Seasonal Halloween actor would have worked a lot better. When Hollywood needs a Frankenstein, mummy, or a zombie, they call Gary Spookenboom. I like Spookenboom too. That clever name change will totally not blow my cover.
Anyways, I have been laying pretty low lately if you haven't noticed. It's because I found a new to waste my time in Guatemala thanks to my creation of a real life version of Hungry Hungry Hippos! What? What is that you say? There are no Hippopotamus in Guatemala? It's Geographically impossible? I pulled their wee tails, and they ate coconut marbles, dammit! I'm not crazy!
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Burntcrow, Dinahann, Mariner, mrdobolina, oneTVslave, Roseskid, Speedbump, Suncat7, and Totoro.