Happy Betrayals to You
On ''Survivor,'' loyalties are fraying faster than that rope that Jamie couldn't manage to cut, and Blake pays the price by Dalton Ross
Finally! We've complained about the lack of any breakout characters. We've moaned about the lack of any tribal strife. We've yawned through tribal councils that left us neither shaken nor stirred. Not this week. This episode pretty much had it all. First off, we had two great challenges. In the reward one, I loved watching Jamie futilely attempt to split his rope while Yaxhá rolled by in a cart with Bobby Jon sticking his legs way up in the air. It was made even more entertaining by the incessant eye rolling of a frustrated Stephenie, who even had to tell Jamie, ''The challenge is over!'' after he tried to continue on to stage 2 while Yaxhá was already getting ready to down some margaritas. (More on Steph later. Much more.) The catapult-and-catch immunity challenge was excellent as well, leading to a very rare inter-tribe smack-talking session when Jamie and Bobby Jon starting barking at each other after Nakúm's victory. I honestly couldn't understand what the hell they were yelling, but whatever it was, it was hilarious. (And it only looks to get better next week, according to the promo.)
We also had a good ol' fashioned tribal council shocker when Bobby Jon and Danni flipped out of the majority and joined the former Yaxhá members to vote out Blake. I can't find any strategic advantage whatsoever to doing this, but then again, if I was stuck with a dude bragging about his girlfriend's double D boobs, I might vote his ass off too as well. ''He is just digging himself a hole, and I am gonna do everything I can to make sure he has a shovel,'' said Brian about Blake's bragging. But it's not just Blake digging himself a hole — it's all of the original Nakúm members. Two weeks ago they seemed totally in control, but now that their members keep flipping, the former Yaxhá folks have the numbers advantage. Whoops!
Then again, as Stephenie put it, one of said former Nakúmies (and a former tribemate of hers on Palau) cheers ''like a freakin' girl'' and is ''so gay'' that she can't stand it. (Notice she didn't make these comments in front of Rafe.) What the hell is going on with this woman? Why you gotta dis the Manimal like that? In the spring, Steph was America's sweetheart; now she's making Jerri Manthey seem like a cuddly little kitten. She looked like she was ready to start strangling Jamie during the reward challenge (maybe she could have used the rope if he had ever gotten it cut), and then she went on to offend large portions of the public with her endless whining and unfortunate homophobia. ''I feel like I'm in a really bad dream, and I can't get out no matter what,'' she said about her losing streak just before breaking into tears. Hey, Steph — wanna know how to get out? Mellow out. Stop blaming and bossing around all your teammates, and lay off the gay bashing. That should do it.
Speaking of teammates, it's interesting to hear Judd tell us, ''I don't give a rat's ass what people think of me after this game.'' Great, but what about during the game, Judd? Because right now, you still seem kinda like an idiot. Some people complained I focused a bit too much on you last week, so I'll let you off easy, but dude, chill out a bit with the Mr. Aggro act, and while you're at it...
…We interrupt this column with breaking news. A new dance craze has been sweeping the nation. Youngsters and senior citizens alike have been taking to the streets to perform something known only as ''the pancake.'' Apparently, it inspires immediate giddiness and is best performed after consuming a six-pack of Milwaukee's Best. We now return you to your regularly scheduled column, already in progress….
…and that concludes my theory as to why Jeff Probst and Danni should swap hats. I suppose before I go I should say a few more words about Blake, or Golden Boy (or Puke Boy as he was known the first two weeks). If there's one thing that doesn't play well when you're stuck with other people on an island or something, it's a chatterbox. (Of course, this doesn't explain Jenna Lewis making the final three in All-Stars, but then again, there is a lot about All-Stars that remains unexplainable.) If you can't shut yourself up, people will do it for you. (Also known as the Wanda Rule.) So the Golden Boy got his golden ticket home. He may not win the million, but he still has his two Ds to look forward to, and, truth be told, I think that will keep him happy enough.