Courtesy and Goodwill
Standing in the Shadows: Episode Eleven
Here is the latest edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Palau. Each season our excellent staff has stood in the shadows of the Survivors just so you can find out what is really going on behind the scenes.
*looks up at moon* Hmmm. We appear to be approaching the summer solstice. You know what that means . . . time for the ol' yearly bath. Here's the caveat--I cannot reach my lower back. It's true, but I know what you're thinking. "Ian, your arms are six feet long. That doesn't make sense." Well, I know, but it's just a scientific fact. Gregg happened to be the closest person around, so I very platonically asked him to help me wash my back. NOTHING FUNNY, people. We're all mature adults here. Excepting Katie. Anyway, he agreed, as any good buddy would, and immediately all the ladies started giggling. "Hee hee! The boys are washing each other! Hee hee!" Well, you know if I'd asked any of them to help me, they'd have just said, "Eww, Ian, you stink! I'm not washing you! Take off!" *sigh* Women. You just can't win, man. So that was the highlight of Ian's week. I'm clean. The cleanest I've been. I also won a scrumptious plate of spaghetti and a brewsky in an auction that Jeff held. People were surprised that I'd spend money on food over a letter from mom and dad, but let's face it, kid--I'm a gamblin' man. I'm after the big, fat prize this time, and it's starting to pay off with this pointy thing 'round my neck. *looks up at moon* Don't leave me, Lady Luck. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes. And shorts.
Sundae, happy sundae. I did really well this week with the auction. It could’ve been perfect with some cheese and crackers, but no, of course not, Jeff is out to get me every time he can! At last, I have defeated my #1 enemy, Stephenie. She tried to get an all-girl alliance, and you may have thought that I agreed. If you are observant, though, you’ll see that I simply made a sound. I never agreed to anything! *evil giggle* Caryn took the heat for it, and while all of this was going down, I simply brushed my perfect looking hair. Now that Steph has been Jen-minated, I have a new enemy. His name is Ian, and he is smelly. He looked so innocent, washing himself after 2 months, but he tried to steal my Gregg away. If he thought he was subtle with his back washing demands, he better think again! I thought it was rather comical, because if Ian wanted to hide his feelings for Gregg, he could’ve just asked a girl to help him out. The most logical thing of all would’ve been to stretch-out his Inspector Gadget arms and wash his back himself. After Ian cleaned up, a new smell filled the air... the smell of a million dollars being awarded to me!
Ian's stench was at dangerous levels. Even Jeff made some comments when he got a wiff of Ian's Chernobyl scent. And here Jeff thought I was exaggerating when I asked for a hazmat suit. In the interest of the island's safety, I volunteered to take a bath with Ian. His odor was unbeareable, so I said 'What the heck!" It's not like people would think I had a thing for dophin boy. I didn't shy away when Ian asked me to scrub his cruddy back. The girls got a good laugh about that, but little did they know that I saved them from certain death by Dolphin-boy stench. My heroics didn't stop there. I told the others that I would be hulk-mad if they didn't vote for Stephenie. She's gone now. Man, I've got so much power, it's scary. Now, if I can get my girl, Jenn, to feed me some grapes, all will be well in Gregg's world.
It is sooo obvious that Caryn was never in a sorority or she would have known that my girls' alliance plan was sheer genius. But noooooo, she had to run off and tattle to Big Daddy Tom. Those boys are so gross anyway, I just want to vote them off so it will smell better around here. And it's not like we need them to provide food for us anymore - heck, I've eaten so much the whole time I've been here, that it is time for me to start watching my girlish figure again. Although I almost died of jealousy when Jenn got that ice cream sundae in the food auction. I was smiling on the outside, but I wanted to leap off the bench and claw her eyes out! Anyway, that traitor Caryn had better watch her back from now on. If you cross the sisterhood, you'd better be prepared for the consequences. Caryn, don't be surprised if you wake up with your hand in a glass of water, or even worse - with Ian's nasty socks on your pillow. Ewwww!
One time, while I was out shopping, I saw a CD called "Power Ballads." I picked it up, intrigued, and found the following message on the back, "Every bad boy has his soft side." I didn't buy the CD--I was never a fan of Winger--but I never forgot those words of wisdom. Plus, like my old grandpappy said, "the bigger they are, the harder they fall." I don't think he made that one up entirely on his own. Nevertheless, I drew upon all this wisdom this week, because everyone knows that I have such a huge target on my back that it rivals many crop circles. Rather than continue on my path of full-tilt domination, I showed that I can be a sensitive guy, too. At the auction, I let my little buddy Ian have the beer, even though it brought a tear to my eye, and I spent my money on a letter from home. It was well worth it, though, as I got some drawings from my kids, and I don't think that brew was even a Guinness. I also gave a stirring, heart-rending speech about loyalty, dedication, and not voting out Tom because he's a good guy. I feel that it went over well, though I am beginning to question the tribe's unity. We are primarily talking, after all, about people who run out of burning buildings. I hope showing the softer side of Tom ultimately works out in my best interests and encourages the tribe to really think about things. But I'm not going completely soft on them--heck, there's no way I'm ever washing Ian's back.
The game really changed after Janu left. That old bag of skin and bones quit and she somehow gets to stay on the jury?! Hopefully she took note of how well I was playing the game. What was once a game of Candyland has now turned into a game of Dodgeball. I’m juking and jiving and trying to slip in to an alliance that will take me far. Don’t let my cute, petite, diamond hard body fool you. I’m a tiger inside and it’s about to unleash. Grrrr! I could see right through Stephenie when she mentioned an all-girl alliance. Sounded good in theory but she forgot about
SupermanTom and his powers. Plus, I wasn’t going to let Katie have an edge over me in the all-girl alliance. So naturally I let Tom in on all of this and now I am in his alliance. I knew the casual caressing of his arms, my subtle gaze as I looked up from playing in the sand. The way I would lick shark juice off my fingers. It all worked. It was risky, but this was the time to make my move. I became a power player. I could’ve swung either way, but the only way I’m swinging is with Tom around my arm. *snicker*
And finally. . . .
I have to admit it--I am really pissed. Honestly, can these people not count? Caryn, can you say "four to three"? What part of that is too difficult? Tom, try using your fingers: Gregg, Jen and Katie. That's three. That's all it's gonna take to sent your butt packing out to loser lodge. I was a prime vote, ready to be utilized. *shakes head slowly* You know, I was really starting to think I was invulnerable. I mean, everyone around me was dropping like flies killed off by Ian's stench, yet I remained untouched (except by the stench--that touched us all!). Though I knew my head was on the block, I thought maybe the axe would miss. Like maybe Jeff could talk Jenn into quitting--promise her a spot on the next bachelor or something. But my survivor luck finally wasn't strong enough. Why, why did I skip that elective course in college? Coconut Lobbing 101--who'd've thought THAT would ever come in handy? Well, I played as hard as I could, and I'm proud of how far I came despite all the odds stacked against me. I know Jeff was proud of me too. I could see that twinkle in his eye as he snuffed my torch. I thought I might get a hug there, but, you know, can't make the others feel left out.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Cali, Eny, Feifer, Ilikai, John, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Miss Filangi, oneTVslave, Phat32, Roseskid, Shazzer, Silverstar, Spegs, Speedbump, Texicana, and Wolf.
Great Shadows, so funny! Too many great quotes to point out. You all had a field day with Ian's stench, I laughed so hard, the tears came down! Fantastic!
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